Tag: Satire

Inchcock Today: Sat 27th Sept 14

05F001

Saturday 20th September 2014

Up at 0430hrs, WC, tended to the sore bulbous red Inch. No blood this morning thank heavens.

While doing so I remembered some of a dream I’d had, so wrote bits of the memory down to put on here, cause it was an odd one. (Aren’t they all though?)

I was in command of the German Kriegsmarine, and I realised that Germany would not win this war, so I hid U-boats under seashore locations, to use later, and stocked up with ammunition food, and Nazi Youth members.

It became the current time, and our unterseeboots were sinking all the ferries travelling from Europe to the UK.

Then we blew up France’s part of the channel tunnel.

I think we shot down some planes on their way to England as well.

That’s about all I can recall though.

After I get me food delivery, I’ll have to think about going into town and checking out the prices and availability of cameras I suppose. Might try Jessops methinks.

Food delivery arrived an hour late, 3 substitutes and two items missing. Tsk!

WC.

Went up to beautified myself; managing to acquire another nick on me mush.

Used me Colgate ‘Herbal’ toothpaste today, if you were considering using it, be warned it tastes horrible!

Set off on me hobble into Sherwood.

It’s getting harder and more painful by the day this walking lark!

Dropped me stuff off at the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop.

Then I went out and to the bus-stop to catch bus into City.

It was an all-around the place bus, so I managed to get some reading on me football book done.

Dropped off in the city on Parliament Street.

Very busy today, that was when I realised it was a Saturday.

Took a walk around, and dropped into Jessops photography shop. A bloke talked me into buying a Sony DSC HX50 Camera, with a free carrying case, an Intergral Multi-Card reader, and a Sandisk Extreme HD SDHC 8GB 705268387.

I managed to resist his attempts at selling me a 3 year extended warranty, pointing out I expect not being here in three years according to the doctors.

I’d sooner not think about how much I had spent.

Un-bemused at how I got conned into spending so much, I waddled through the crowds to the County Contact Point in the library.

Where I asked about the Meals at Home delivery day, because I thought it might on me hospital days, Monday or a Tuesday. The kind lady said they were closed there at the weekends. But if I could call on Tuesday as I go through to the Queens medical centre, she would call them for me. That was nice of her.

What are the odds that something will happen that causes me forget to do just that?

I hobbled up the arcade stairs to see if the second hand record man has had any luck with finding me ‘Acker Bilks Gotta see mama tonight’ recording on CD. He was closed. Huh!

I wandered painfully to Victoria Market for a look around. I asked at two book stall if they had any memories of Stalingrad book, no luck.

The market was almost abandoned, very sad.

I limped along and down the escalator, and out into the streets of my beloved Nottingham. (Cough cough!)

I popped into Waitrose to have a look around, but decided against it when I saw the queue winding down the shop.

I started walking towards Kings Walk that led to me bus-stop home, but ended up taking the long route to it after seeing a fight starting near the cafe there.

I got back to the dumping ground (house) and made a cuppa.

Updated this diary – then somehow managed to put the new camera on charge – I hope I did at least. I can’t find anything that tells me it is actually charging. The manual tell me it need a 24hr charge for the first one, so I can check in the morning I suppose?

I took a photo of the new camera on charge with me old faithful but dying a death old camera.

Back to the laptop, with another cuppa wot I made.

WC.

Remembered I’d forgotten to get some spread. So no sarnies tonight for me. Good job I’ve got some microwave sausages left to nosh.

I’ll watch New Tricks DVD later tonight methinks.

Take care all!

Inchcock Today: Thurs 25th September 2014

Up at 0545hrs.

All through the night the porcelain was visited for both activations, bit worrying that.

Bit of blood from the ‘Inch’.

Down and started laptop, kettle on, did the pots, back up to the WC.

I am feeling nervous for some reason this morning, left knee giving gip again.

Updated this diary, then spent 4 hours finishing graphics for the ‘Inchy causes Nottingham Job Centre Disruption – by smiling’ post and posted it. Reacting to four calls to the porcelain during its creation.

Went (slowly) up the stairs, and did me ablutions…

At this point, I was weary of stubbing me toes like wot I‘ve been doing recently. Shame I hit me head of the cupboard door.

Everything assembled (I hope) I set off on me limp into Sherwood, to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop first.

Then I caught the bus into town. Called into Tesco and got a Cornish pasty and some bread for the ducks in Derby.

Then caught bus into Derby. Had a walk along the Riverside, fed the ducks and dicky-birds.

Suddenly feeling drained again, I caught the bus back into Nottingham. Took the scenic routed bus.

A few lurking in Derby

Once the bus got into Beeston, it slowed to a crawl due to the Tram works, which let me have a good read of me book, and nibble me nosh.

In town, the place seemed busy, but I could not see any mobility scooters; skateboarders and cyclist on the pavements yes.

Walked up passing Brain Clough’s statue, where some yobs were fighting with each other, no signs of the constabulary about.

Caught bus back to Carrington, limped back to the flea-pit, just made the WC in time again.

Started laptop, made cuppa and updated this tosh.

Yobboes lurking on the street…

Inchy Causes Nottingham Job Centre Disruption (From 2010)

Chaos erupted earlier today at the Nottingham Job Centre on Upper Parliament Street, reports coming in from Nottingham Evening Liar Gazette correspondent Mike Steeden. Now released from prison on a the technicality that he was fitted-up.

Juan Inchcock. claimed he was not smiling at all!

Juan Inchcock, a plain living but highly confused 65 year old (then) claimant, made redundant through no fault of his own, was spotted on the CCTV smiling while waiting for his JCP investigators interrogation.

Emergency action was taken, and the JCP management placed the entire office immediately into Defcon-One status.

This involved:

An emergency call made to the local investigative unit.

Who responded with great alacrity arriving on site within 6 minutes of the call.

The local constabulary were informed but took a while to arrive due to lack of officers available.

Group4 security asked their control room to increase the number of officers without delay.

The centre was evacuated, and staff removed to the safe room.

This left the 65 year claimant alone in the offices, apart from two armed police officers with their dogs and a supply of tear-gas and two members of the investigative team.

Both sets of officers were being given cover by Police snipers from across the road at the Chinese restaurant.

Artists impression of the kerfuffle when Juan Inchcock was arrested

Unfortunately the simple and indeed non-aggressive natured duck feeding 65 year old claimant was unaware of what was going on, as he had removed his hearing aids in an effort not to look so unemployable at his interview.

The investigators, covered by the armed police officers, approached the 65 year old, and the officers spread eagled the short portly-built Juan Inchcock on the floor – causing him much consternation and fear for his angina, stomach ulcer, and arthritic knees… Juan became confused his biggest mistake was greeting them with a Nazi salute that he thought they would appreciate.

They searched his carrier bag and person for any offensive weapons, they were suspicious of his ear-wax-remover-spray and his tube of full-strength painkiller gel, and both were taken away for forensic testing.

They confiscated his walking stick, and removed his packet of seaweed.

They interrogated him about his reason for the unacceptable actions of appearing happy within the confines of a job-centre-plus establishment… and demanded to know why he had carried out this sacrilege.

He explained that he was not actually smiling, but he was suffering from tooth-ache, and this might have distorted his face somewhat.

He accepted a verbal warning from the authorities, passed wind and was allowed home. But it being so late, he could not use his bus-pass so had to walk all the way.

The alert status was returned to Defcon 3, and the emergency services retired, leaving a warning that the 65 year old if the ear-wax-remover-spray or pain gel turned out to be anything dodgy, they would return.

The 65 year old, now a 69 year old is no longer looking for work today in 2014, but still develops a nervous tic when he hobbles passed the Job Centre Plus, and thinks he can still see Firearm officers in the Chinese Restaurant across the road when he hobbled by?

Inchcock Today; Tue/Wed 23/4th Sept 2014

Tuesday 23rd September 2014

Awake at 0410hrs, chest pains rampant.

WC.

Down at 0505hrs. Laptop went through same procedure as yesterday; When it was supposed to have been loaded fully, a blank white screen. I cried a bit. Then ran the mouse over the screen, and as I did, the stuff came back on as I ran it over where the icons should be?

I fear I’m going to lose everything soon.

I must remember to put the camera batteries on charge.

Made a cuppa and took medications.

I wrote down some notes for an idea I had for a humorous post – but was not so sure it would work. I’ll take another gander after I get back from the launderette this morning.

Did me ablutions, and set off with me bag of washing. (With me knees twinging rather persistently).

Bought a very interesting ‘Nottingham Bygones’ paper to read on the way. There was many articles worthy of a good read in it.

The big Polish gal was on duty at the launderette, I can’t pronounce her name, so I’ve Christened her Bertha.

Big John arrived to do his laundry. Had a good natter about his holiday in Cornwall.

I departed with me now clean laundry back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Laptop started, kettle on, up and put the togs away, WC again, came down and made a cuppa, took me midday medications… then the laptop had loaded itself at last.

Had a look at the notes wot I made earlier about a post idea, and decided to work on it, then create some graphics to support it.

Wednesday 24th September 2014

WC visits more regular overnight, and have continued this morning.

Inch bleeding again. Tended to, sorry I forgot to mention this to Dr Vindla yesterday now.

Left ear-hole blocked, I must have slept a bit on it. Dropped some olive oil in both lug-holes as usual and pain-gel applied to knees and hands.

Down at 0525hrs. Took rubbish out to bins, checking for any yobs about first.

Laptop on, and made cuppa and porridge with added honey. (By gum I live well!) Took me morning medications.

WC.

Updated this diary.

Received my Anticoagulation Therapy Record dosage from the hospital.

Apparently my target is NRI 3.5 but I’ve never got that yet. I’m on 5.0 this time. So that explains why I’ve been feeling so cold lately? Or does it? I think the higher the IHR is, the thinner the blood is.

Better try not to cut myself! I might bleed to death, but at least I shouldn’t get a blood clot taking me out. Hehehe, you’ve got to laugh yer know.

Remembered to take me card today

I must get me things ready to take to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop later. I’ll do it now; back in a bit…

I’m back… oh dear, WC beckons, I’m off again…

Must get myself beautified for me walk, and hope it isn’t too painful today.

0840hrs: Back later folks…

1205hrs: I’m back, and it was painful; but not too bad it would stop me hobbling about today.

Walked into Sherwood and dropped me stuff off at the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop. I asked the lay there if she knew where I could get a “Reacher/picker” from. She told me to try the Mobility Scooter shop about half a mile up the road. So I did.

As I approached the shop, I was nervous in case any of the deadly mobility scooter drivers appeared out of nowhere… as they do tend to do to me yer know.

None about so I went in. They only had short ones in, so I got one for £10.

Walked back into Sherwood and caught a bus to town.

Limped to the second hand music shop to see if he had managed to get me Acker Bilk’s ‘Gotta see mama tonight’, but he hadn’t.

Walked down through the arcade and went into the Library Contact point and asked them if they knew where I could get details of the Meals at home service. A very nice lady called them for me, and handed me the phone. They are going to send me details through the post.

I wondered through the Slab Square, where I noted, that they had now got G4 security doing the mobile cameras.

I saw two people of the many people sat around the square, were not using a mobile or ipod thingamajig.

Took a picture of the Council house.

Hobbled up and through Victoria, and came out the other end and went into PC World/Curry’s to have a look at their portable DVD players, but they have stopped selling them?

Took an extra painkiller with me midday medications, cause the left knee had started to get worse again.

Staggered to the bus stop and caught bus back to Carrington.

Called in the local Co-op to get some of their special prices Warburton Thins, but the queue was so long, I decided not to bother.

I painfully limped the last leg of the journey home.

Got in, and rushed to the WC. (Just in time) Unfortunately in the rush, I banged me knee on the side of the bath… I believe I said something like; “Well fancy that!”

It’s still stinging now. (Tsk!)

Got the laptop going and updated this tosh.

Aye up… WC.

Started work on graphics for the posts.

Inchcock Today: Monday 22nd September 2014

Monday 22nd September 2014

Got up about 0445hrs.

WC.

Been dreaming about something that must have been good, ‘cause me stiffy Inch was sore and bleeding again. Tsk! Still, there were plenty of bandages and pure dermatological creams at hand and were put to use. I must tell the doctor about this when I go later.

Now what have i got to tell her I thought, so wrote the things down there and then so as not to forget later.

* About me new chest pains that are very sharp when i sneeze or cough vigorously.

* Arthritis in me left knee very much worse, so much so I mo longer look forward to me walks.

*My Inch bleeding overnight.

* My right ear-hole bleeding.

Gingerly I tackled the going down the stairs bit, and started the laptop and made a cuppa.

WC.

The poor old laptop played up this morning. I had when it was supposed to have loaded fully, a blank white screen. I cried a bit. Then ran the mouse over the screen, and as I did, the stuff came back on as i ran it over where they should be?

Help?

When I started the BT web and WordPress, it was mighty twitchy and slow. So I closed it and re started it, and it seemed okay…

Then I posted me Monday’s LOMM stuff in case it conked out later.

Did some graphics on Coreldraw9, but it was hard work, it kept freezing.

WC.

Went back up and beautified missen as best I could, the right ear-hole was bleeding again, I stubbed me flaming toe on the sink pedestal, and me gums started bleeding when I did me taggies.

Had a feeling this was not going to be one of my better days like.

I made the treat/nibbles bags up for the GP staff, girls at the Nottingham hospice shop and the nurses at the Warfarin check at the QMC. Remembering to put the stuff to donate in one of me two bags. Then made sure I’d got me hearing aids in, bus-pass in pocket, attack alarm in jacket pocket, and mobile phone with me.

Then I struggled with the bags, as I set off from the flea-pit to the GP surgery.

As I arrived at the doctors, I realised I’d forgotten me camera to record me adventures. Double Tsk!

I reported to the receptionist, Frau Goebbels I think her name is. Sat down and got comfortable to wait, and three seconds later Dr Vindla appeared calling out my name to go in to see her! (Perhaps I’d got the time of the appointment wrong? Not like me… cough cough!)

She greeted me cheerfully, and told me how well I was looking? Then asked what she could do for me.

After an embarrassing few minutes searching me pockets and bags for the list I’d made and left in the bathroom back at the dump, I managed to remember some of them.

She had a peep in me right lug-hole, and informed me the skin on the outer bit had ruptured. If I left me right hearing aid out for a few days, it should heal on its own. (How long before I get ran over due to not hearing traffic or the deadly motorbility scooters coming I thought?)

The different pains in the chest she said was not due to my angina, but the wounds from the heart operation? (After all this time… I said nothing to her in response… me being a born coward like)

She had a good look at me left knee, and seemed to enjoy manipulating it. She would make an appointment for an E-ray to be done on it, but there is a long waiting list.

I forgot to tell her about me Inch problems… Tsk!

She asked about the yobs and housing situation bless her.

Then she took me BP, and as concerned at how high it was. I explained about me getting agitated over the BT Internet treatment I had to go through.

She then told me to make an appointment for my Flu jab, as I am high priority/risk for them.

So I offered me thanks to her, and approached the receptionists to make the urgent appointment.  Wednesday 8th October booked.

I left the surgery, and hobbled, and I mean hobbled painfully into Sherwood, to leave me stuff at the Hospice Shop. I forgot to give em me number though… huh!

I caught the bus into town.

Typical, just when I forget me camera, there was a fight going on between three alcho’s that I could have recorded. Never mind, better to forget me camera than medications I thought.

Then I realised me midday one’s were due, so with the help of a little bottle of orange juice, I took em.

While on the bus to the hospital, a kind lady banged into left knee with her shopping trolley, hey-ho she didn’t mean to.

No fire-alarms at the hospital today. As I approached the entrance it dawned on me, I had forgotten me Anticoagulation Therapy Record log, do had to walk up two flights of stairs to the Anticoagulation Unit and get another copy – they were very nice about it.

Worrying me a bit you know; the Doctor was very nice to me, the ladies in the Charity shop were very nice to me and now the staff at the Anticoagulation Unit were very nice to me. When I asked her about where I could get a new Emergency card to carry, as the one I had was wearing out – she just said, “I’ll do that for you!” And did too. Mmm?

I wobbled gently down the stairs to the Haematology Dept, and there was a big queue, but no bother for me, I took a ticket and had a go at me crossword book.

When I got into the room, there were many new faces to me, but they all knew who I was; “The man who brought nibbles for them every week” Fame at last. The girl who tended to me was very nice to me…

Afterwards I caught the bus to town, the limped to the bus to Arnold, where I tried to obtain some more microwave sausages, but they had none, and did not expect any-more to come in stock.

I almost cried.

Despondently I caught the bus back to Carrington. Taking the long route back to the hovel, to avoid some ‘Right ‘Erbert’ looking youths lurking near the Church.

I got in, WC. And the laptop started first time, the new BT Infinity wasn’t too keen on starting and took a good while.

Feeling very tired again now, so I’ll microwave me box of chips in gravy along with me tin of cocktail sausages and get misssen summat to eat.

Might watch me Das Boot DVD tonight.

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today: Sat 20th Sept 14

Saturday 20th September 2014

What a state I was in this morning when I woke up at 0430hrs – double suffering!

WC.

The legs were in agony – perhaps I’d been having cramps in the night? Applied some pain gel.

And as for me Inch – it was so painful, sore and swollen. I washed the little mite and put some cream on it. Mind you, with the swelling it had grown considerably, unfortunately so had the pain. It reminded me of a very tender mini Olympic torch.

0529hrs: Came down without ablutionising and started laptop, made a cuppa and took medications.

Found a message on me mobile from EE informing me I was near the end of my allowance – I can thank the money grabbing BT for that with all the time I spent waiting on the line for their so called advisor’s. Huh!

Noticed some cones and a wheelie bin in the road opposite the flea-pit. Vandals or work to take place today?

Windows downloads arrived; I hope they do not stop me saving graphics in colour in Coreldraw9 later?

I’ll make a start on drafting this and doing graphics for it, then get missen ready for a walk (hobble) into town to have a look at the War Life display in the slab square. Oh… and have a look for a hearing aid suitable phone.

Pain Report Update:

My Inch is easing a bit now, not so tender or bleeding. But of course I’m bound to catch it, knock it, squash it or bang it when I dress or bend…

Angina starting to get a bit bothersome, knees (Especially the  left one) giving me gip still. Had a shave, strip wash, applied me gels, creams and deodorants then changed into me walking togs.

As I was carefully coming down the stairs safely, I could not remember if I’d turned off the taps properly, so hobbled back up and checked. I had. But on me second trip down the stairs I had a little dizzy, and closed my legs sharpishly as I held onto the banister rail – I felt the blood running down me legs. And I said; “Well fancy that!” Or something similar.

Waited a while into the spell had cleared and went back up to change the bandage.

I very gently made my way back the stairs afterwards, and got me things ready for me hobble into town.

Remembering for once, just what I had to do on my ‘outing’.

Call at the BBC War display in town – Go to the Chinese shop to see if they had any plain seaweed – Call into the hearing shop to see if they had an assisted hearing telephone then go to Broad Marsh Centre to see if they had any cheapo DVDs I might like, cause then I could give em to the Nottingham Hospice shop on Monday.

Rather pleased with myself for remembering all this, I wrote a list to remind meself later. Good stuff this yer know.

I set off, fed a few pigeons on the green belt of Carrington (A patch of weeds near Mugger’s walk through to Mansfield Road).

As I turned right, I noticed the plastic box with the flowers in, and Carrington moulded on the side, had been cleaned up. Gone were the condoms, crushed empty beer cans and babies rattle from yesterday.

I was going to call in the launderette to see the gal there, but it was really busy, so I didn’t call in the launderette to see the gal there.

Near the Forest ground i noted they had painted the wooden goose that advertises Nottingham’s upcoming Goose fair.

Photo of last years Goose Fair

They reckon that last year was the lowest for donkey’s years for arresting pick-pockets according to Radio Nottingham.

They didn’t mention the three stabbings, three muggings or the firearm incident on the Boulevard though.

I considered for a fleeting moment if I should attend it this year, as it might be me last chance like. But at my age I couldn’t get a mortgage to afford it.

I pressed painfully on, stopping a while to watch two alcoholics having an argument outside the shop that sells the high alcohol content ales of some sort… at ten in the morning like?

Onward and into the City Centre to see the BBC display, but it had not opened yet.

So, avoiding an erratically driven disability scooter rather niftily for me I thought, I made my way to the Chinese food shop. But unfortunately they didn’t have the seaweed I wanted in stock. Shame.

Up Friar Lane and to the Hearing Centre shop – it was closed. Tsk!

I poddled through the narrow back streets and came out at the doors of Broad Marsh shopping centre.

I had a good wander through the cheapo DVD shop, ending up getting six DVDs for £10. (3 for a fiver like) Then I went to the 99p shop, where I got a neck cushion and some plates suitable for the microwave.

Out of the centre, down Bridlesmith Gate and down to the BBC War display thingy.

I was very disappointed with that, very much so.

Everything was being run from monitors and the sound so echo like, I couldn’t hear much at all.

Took a few photos, and got away quickly.

As I walked up King Street, two blokes dressed as chefs on blooming great stilts passed me going down the street.

By the time I got me camera out, they were way down the hill.

Got to bus stop, and caught one back to the flea-pit.

Dropped off at the Co-op to get some bread-thins, ‘cause I knew they had them on offer price.

Noticed a skip had been placed opposite the dump where the cones and bin were earlier. Took a photo (Higher up on page). Much to the displeasure of the bloke working there

I did some blogging, then opened the draw in the freezer, and it collapsed in me hand.

Hell of a job collecting the sausages, out of date microwave chips and dozens of ice lollies that dispersed themselves all over the floor and in every nook and cranny!

Gave up trying to mend front cover assembly from the drawer, and just crammed them all back into the freezer.

Well tired out now… kip beckoning…

Inchcock Today: Thur 18th Sept 14

Thursday 18th September 2014

Up at 0530hrs, attention needed to the bleeding ‘Inch’ again, on me last bandage as well. Still I remembered I’d got me Asda delivery coming, ‘cause I’d set me alarm on mobile to remind me – mind you, I can’t remember setting the alarm on me mobile to remind me? And there was some ordered on it. Both types I have to use.

Started to finish me Tuesdays Diary post for Inchcock, and I was not allowed to change me font colour. When I clicked on the font colour selection button, nothing happened? I closed and opened wordpress twice to try again. Then closed Google Chrome and tried again, and the option came back to life. Anyone else had the same thing happen to them please?

Inch started bleeding again. Tsk!

Asda order arrived… and guess what I ordered in mistake for the foam bandage? – Ladies towels! I took a photo on top of me medications for yer to see.

After spending two and a half hours constructing a graphic to use ont web – Coreldraw9 crashed, and I lost it all! Bother!

Decided to get me things ready for Hospice shop, polish missen up a bit, and talk a walk into Sherwood with the togs for em.

Made sure I applied pain gel in larger quantity than usual. Daren’t take any extra painkillers, ‘cause I’m on me limit already. Tsk!

I walked/limped into Sherwood: Keeping a weary out for mobility scooters and skateboarders.

Donated me stuff at the Nottingham Hospice shop, then caught a bus into Mansfield.

< Photo of the retail premises closed down as I left the B&M store. Had a walk around, got some bits of nosh for the nurses from B&M stores.

Caught the bus back to Nottingham. Feeling drained yet again, I got me head down, and for once soon nodded off – even if I kept waking-up in need of the WC.

Friday 19th September 2014

Up at 0130hrs Confused with why I’d got up at 0130hrs!

BT fibre connection coming on line today. I’ve got me new modem ready with instructions on how to set it up when they have connected it. Just hope it works.

Started the laptop, made a cuppa.

0145hrs: When I tried to get into Google everything froze.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted in safe mode with web.

Selected ‘System Restore option.

0245hrs: Got laptop going, didn’t go into Google first, but updated this diary in case I lost everything again when I try the web.

Then I tried Google… it was very very slow (everything on the laptop).

When I tried to open Coreldraw9, a message came up telling me that certain filed for Coreldraw8 were not on the system? I could not gain access at all.

&@~?@*!

So, I had to remove Coreldraw9 from the laptop, and reinstall it again!

By now it is 0505hrs, and still nowt done, and I’ve got the problem of the new modem to contend with later today – cor blimey am I uptight.

I’m now going to try and open Coreldraw9 again…

It took three minutes, but it’s opened.

I fear I may lose the laptop soon, she’s lasted well…

Now to try Google…

Slow, but it opened and let me get into Inchcock to finalise and post this load of tosh.

And it only took me around four hours of hassle! (Good job I did get up early innit?).

Took me medications in celebration!

Oh, by the way, some good news – Coreldraw9 now working (slowly) again, and letting me post in colour! For now anyway…

Laptop, BT internet and death permitting, I’ll be back!

Inchcock Today: Wed 17th Sept 14

Wednesday 17th September 2014

I was up and treating me Inch bleeding by 0245hrs. Got some more cheapo bandages coming with me Asda order tomorrow, just in time.

Down and laptop on and cuppa made by 0314hrs.

WC

Yobs walking down the middle of the street at this hour. Slightly inebriated methinks?

I tried the site that Duncan advised me to again, but I couldn’t work out how to get me graphics onto it, let alone save em. Again! Thick? Me?…

Finished and posted me Inchcock Today for Tuesday, and did work on “Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens” post.

Being as I hit the Publish button by mistake for the Preview button, I had to make sure I finished it then by updating. Tsk! Never mind, it took me yonks but I really enjoyed doing the graphic for it.

WC.

Morrison’s delivery came at 0819hrs – all there, no substitutions, and a very nice lady delivering it too!

WC.

I managed to drop me things I was taking upstairs, and twisted me knee trying to stop em falling – now Arthur Itis is toying with me again. Hello, a police car just went passed. A rare sight that.

Came down and sat on me reading glasses.

Laptop a little slow this morning… oh dear.

I put in an Asda order, cause I needed bandages, Cheesey curls and cheapo bleach.

WC.

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice shop and hobbled off out of the house without forgetting anything (I hope).

Called in the GP surgery and booked appointment for 1040hrs next Monday. I could have taken one for Friday, but that’s the day me new modem is to be delivered from BT.

Knees bad again as I struggled into Sherwood and dropped me stuff off at the Hospice.

Mobility Scooters were rampant!

Caught bus into town, had a limp around and called in the library, to work out how to use their computers cause me bus-pass allows me a free hour each week, and with me laptop on its last legs, I could let everyone know by using their email. But no, they were closed down for servicing.

Took me midday medications in the slab-square, thought about giving one to the pigeons… not really like.

They’re erecting the buildings on the square ready for the World War show and display – telling fold how the Nottingham people coped and hat they had to put up with.

I heard on the radio (Headphones yer know), that in 1916 the council made it illegal for anyone to buy a round of drinks in a pub! You were not allowed to even buy your spouse a drink apparently? They interviewed a landlady of the pub who’s landlady was prosecuted for allowing a man to buy a drink for him and his wife.

I hope to get down and have a gander when it starts. I think it’s part of the BBC series: a link here if you’re interested:

http://www.experiencenottinghamshire.com/whats-on/bbc-world-war-one-at-home-tour-p612681

Frid Sat and Sun it’s on. I’ll try to get some photos if I can get there okay.

Caught the bus back, dropped off at Lidl and got some bits – I nearly fell asleep in the queue at the checkout. Good job those behind kept pushing me.

Walked back to the flea-pit and collapsed in pain with me knee and weariness. Put some extra pain gel on em.

WC.

Poor old devil.

Made some microwave sausage sarnies, and took me medications with em.

Inchcock Today: Tue 16th Sept 14

Tuesday 16th September 2014

Up at 0430hrs. No kip much last night, I’m getting irritable now. And that’s not a good idea when you live alone, cause it’s only yourself you can take it out on.

Gawd I hate missen!

Between WC visits I got the laptop going, made a cuppa and took me medications.

Still no luck with getting colour graphics to me posts.

I tried the site that Ratty advised me to, but couldn’t work out how to get me graphic onto it, let alone save em. Thick? Me?…

Got me laundry ready and set off. As I was hobbling along, Arthur Itis stabbed me up me left knee – the worst single pain ever shot through me limbs, and I said: “Well fancy that!” Not exactly but…

Got me laundry done, but I wasn’t in good spirits.

Came back to the flea-pit, and tried again at sorting out what was wrong with me laptop or Coreldraw9 package, waste of me time that was.

Updated me Lochmaben post for the Inchcock site. Mononchrome graphics of cause. But I did a decent one of me at the van with me tackle. (Fishing tackle I might add!)

Decided around 1315hrs, I’d get some more stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and take a hobble to Sherwood with it. I just hope the left knee ain’t too painful, if it is still, I’ll have to go see the GP in the morning… well, go get an appointment.

That is if I remember.

Yobs lurking about outside as I left the hovel.

Hobbled with Arthur Itis in my left knee rampant, up to Sherwood’s Nottingham Hospice shop with the bits for them.

Crossed the road and caught bus into Arnold.

I managed to get the last pack of cheapo microwave sausages in Fulton’s foods, then waddled into Iceland and got some lollies.

Managed to avoid yet another mobility scooter seemingly, driven by a drugged or drunk driver as it forced its way through the fleeing pedestrians.

Limped to the bus stop and caught bus back to Carrington. I intended when I got off the bus, to call at the GP surgery to book an appointment, but I stopped to empty me bag of some rubbish into a roadside bin, as I was doing so a car ran into the back of a parked van. The van driver sitting behind his wheel banged his head on it, no air-bag? Anyway, I called the emergency services and went to see if he was alright.

He was fine, but I think he would have liked to have beheaded the driver of the Mistubishi that hit him. Gave details to the police when they arrived, then hobbled home, well tired again.

Not up to doing owt when I got in, so got me head down to try and get some sleep.

Inchcock’s Angling Holidays – No. 1 – To Lockerbie (Updated)

I hope the Ale tastes better than it did

Robin Hood (Lousy ale) Angling Club

The mates I used to go on holiday with were: Bill Bates, and Jock Kirkpatrick, and Mad Ken.

We’d rented a cottage in Lockerbie for the week, feeling assured that Jock would be able to show us the places to find the best fishing.

We filled up the Austin J4 van with the fishing tackle, baits, and fodder we thought we’d need and set off in the van, the box that Ken dropped on me foot didn’t cause too much bruising.

Ken was driving first, then I did for a bit, then Ken took over again. We got just over the English/Scotland border before we got lost.

We used to have a little bet between each other each day we fished, £1 for the biggest fish caught, £1 for the most fish caught, and £1 for the biggest weight of fish caught. In the event of a draw or no fish caught, we used to donate the bet money to the NSPCC.

We arrived (2 hours after the ETA), found the owner, and ensconced ourselves in the cottage.

We agreed I’d do the breakfasts and snap, Jock would do the evening meals, Bill would do the cleaning, and Mad Ken would do the driving. Nothing if not democratic we were.

Next morning, after breakfast, we went on a recce to find Lochmaben to suss out the fishing.

We asked a local resident, sat on the verge with a bottle of Iron Brew, which direction the Loch was in, and we think he said, “Right straight up the hill, carry on, it’ll be on your left!”

After about five miles, with no sight of Lochmaben we thought we must have passed it somewhere, and spotted a chap ambling along the lane, we stopped and asked him.

His reply was double-dutch to Bill, Ken and I.

As we drove off none the wiser, and asked Jock for a translation, and he said he’s no idea what he was talking about either, he was born in the Outer Hebrides and couldn’t understand what the man was saying any more than we three Sassenachs could!

Something that none of us caught all week! Huh!

We got the map out, and decided to carry on to Motherwell instead. A further ten or so miles on, we saw the sign for the Loch!

After five days fishing the four of us had yet to get a bite, let alone a fish, and was out of pocket on the bets.

We found a pub called the Midland Hotel out in the wilds, and visited for a pint and a game of dominoes. The landlord came from Derby. At ten o’clock, he told us to go into the bar side and drinking will continue in the cellar!

And he was serious.

Sure enough, at ten o’clock we went into the absolutely packed out bar, and within a few minutes, everyone was filing through behind the bar, and down the steps into the cellar, which proved to be a fully equipped bar, with tables chairs, and piped music!

Around about midnight a pair of legs appeared walking down the steps from above, they were wearing black boots, and a black pair of trousers… as it came down, it revealed the bottom of his tunic, his torch, and the shiny buttons on his uniform – yes it was a police officer.

I thought “Bloomin’ ‘eck, we’re for it now.

But no, he spoke to no one, just walked to the bar and grasped the pint that had been poured in silence for him, belched, turned and disappeared up the steps. Amazing!

The electrics played up on the van, and with Mad Ken the only one with any knowledge of the engine and mechanics of vehicles, he toyed with it for ages, and sure enough, he got the lights back on. No indicators, but at least we could see where we were going.

My turn to drive us back to the cottage, and I tried to followed the three sets of verbal directions being given me, while attempting to read the map and drive the van.

We set off, and in the middle of the wilds… splutter, jump, jerk.. stop! We had ran out of petrol, but the fuel gauge read half full, the electrics playing up again?

The lads kindly elected me to walk to the village or whatever it was we could see in the distance. It took me about an hour to get there, there was three cottages, a big house, and thank heavens a garage! I enquired if he could assist us, and judging by his body language (I could not tell clearly what he was actually saying with his accent), he wanted me to join him on his Land Rover, and we went to the lads waiting in the van.

We wus fed well at any-rate!

We were towed to the village, and the chap had a look at the van, and decided spare parts were needed and told us he could get them in a few hours, and then it would take about 2 hours to sort the panel out.

He kindly said we could pay his missus, and she’d provide a meal for us while we waited, and led us to one of the cottages. As we walked down the path to the house, the door opened, and the man’s wife ducked to get through the door, and came out to greet us.

She was about 6’5″ tall, muscular, wide, and scared the shit out of us. But needs must and we went in and settled in the front room, while she conjured up a meal for us.

She came back in with a massive plate for each of us, fully filled with fodder. The only thing I could recognise in the offerings, were the tatty-scones, as for the other nourishment on the plate, well I’ve no idea, but it tasted okay to me.

That cost us nearly all of the money we had left, still we were going home now.

We were away in our now working van by about 1900hrs, and by 1925hrs on our way home… we were lost again.

When we eventually arrived back in Nottingham, I dropped Bill and Mad Ken off, then took Jock and myself back home. (Jock and I lived in the same terrace of two-up two-down hovels)

The house had been burgled in my absence, and there was three bills lying at the foot of the letter box than needed paying!

A disappointing holiday to say the least.

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