It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part 1 – Prosed pathetically by Inchcock


I was born in late August nineteen fourty-eight,

The midwife handed me to Mam, for us to interrelate,

Mam wasn’t to happy, she was in a right two-and-eight,

Her fag ash dropped on me, as she did state,

Something the midwife to me did later relate.

I don’t want it, throw it in the Trent!”,

If I keep it, I’ll not afford the rent!

Later she said my birth was an accident,

And I was not exactly heaven sent,

She lyingly said she ‘took’ to me later to her amazement.

She left home when I was three, leaving me and Dad,

I can’t claim this made me really sad,

She left leaving debts, that made Dad not glad,

Her leaving home became a bit of a fad,

The longest spell was four years, I wasn’t mad,

Mad and sad when she returned I was, poor lad!

At school, a rough one I was bullied and quite thick,

Did the shopping and cleaning, no time to get sick,

When Mam returned, I’d be cut to the quick,

She’d moan and argue giving us some verbal stick,

Another crime, and she’d do another disappearing trick.

She returned when I started earning ready cash,

She dipped into me pockets, leaving me abash,

Nowhere was safe to hide me stash,

She flogged off me LPs, that made me teeth gnash,

At conning folk Mother had no match!

The last time she absconded and ran away,

She was on the Police’s wanted list that day,

Leaving a trail of victims every which way,

Will they ever catch her people would say,

Reports came in she was in San Francisco Bay?

Or Mablethorpe, Lincoln, France or Torbay?

For many months she eluded police, kept em at bay,

Eventually she had her day in court after much delay,

My Sister well remembers that infamous day!

The court packed with character referers would you believe?

Mother falsly crying upon her shoplifted sleeve,

They read out the charges, it was hard to concieve,

One hundred and nineteen, twas hard to preconceive,

A tangle web of conning and stealing they did weave.

The man who read out the charge got fatigued after a while,

The Magistrates even raised a sneaky smile,

Court spectators nodded-off for a while,

She charmed the officials in her own conning style,

It took several days to complete the trial.

Found guilty, what did the Mother suckered Magistrates give?

They gave her a furnished rent paid flat in which to live,

Increased Benefits to help her pay the fine, very allevative!

This suited Mother, her being so aquisitive…

More to follow…