It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part 1 – Prosed pathetically by Inchcock


I was born in late August nineteen fourty-eight,

The midwife handed me to Mam, for us to interrelate,

Mam wasn’t to happy, she was in a right two-and-eight,

Her fag ash dropped on me, as she did state,

Something the midwife to me did later relate.

I don’t want it, throw it in the Trent!”,

If I keep it, I’ll not afford the rent!

Later she said my birth was an accident,

And I was not exactly heaven sent,

She lyingly said she ‘took’ to me later to her amazement.

She left home when I was three, leaving me and Dad,

I can’t claim this made me really sad,

She left leaving debts, that made Dad not glad,

Her leaving home became a bit of a fad,

The longest spell was four years, I wasn’t mad,

Mad and sad when she returned I was, poor lad!

At school, a rough one I was bullied and quite thick,

Did the shopping and cleaning, no time to get sick,

When Mam returned, I’d be cut to the quick,

She’d moan and argue giving us some verbal stick,

Another crime, and she’d do another disappearing trick.

She returned when I started earning ready cash,

She dipped into me pockets, leaving me abash,

Nowhere was safe to hide me stash,

She flogged off me LPs, that made me teeth gnash,

At conning folk Mother had no match!

The last time she absconded and ran away,

She was on the Police’s wanted list that day,

Leaving a trail of victims every which way,

Will they ever catch her people would say,

Reports came in she was in San Francisco Bay?

Or Mablethorpe, Lincoln, France or Torbay?

For many months she eluded police, kept em at bay,

Eventually she had her day in court after much delay,

My Sister well remembers that infamous day!

The court packed with character referers would you believe?

Mother falsly crying upon her shoplifted sleeve,

They read out the charges, it was hard to concieve,

One hundred and nineteen, twas hard to preconceive,

A tangle web of conning and stealing they did weave.

The man who read out the charge got fatigued after a while,

The Magistrates even raised a sneaky smile,

Court spectators nodded-off for a while,

She charmed the officials in her own conning style,

It took several days to complete the trial.

Found guilty, what did the Mother suckered Magistrates give?

They gave her a furnished rent paid flat in which to live,

Increased Benefits to help her pay the fine, very allevative!

This suited Mother, her being so aquisitive…

More to follow…

7 thoughts on “It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part 1 – Prosed pathetically by Inchcock

  1. Blimey, what a tale. Your mother sounds decidedly Narcissistic to me (hope you don’t mind me saying this) – I recognise some of the behaviours from Narcs I have met. xxx

    • She was a bit of a one-off. Amazingly many of her victims gave her a character reference in court – honestly! She conned and robbed people nicely! Including me and Dad, who being the big softy he was, took her back repeatedly. Bad time, but hey-ho. TTFN gal.

    • Golly gosh thanks Sir Mike. Off to the Age UK in a bit to get the number of the man who was supposed to be helping me search for and get ready to move to a flat. I’ve got it in me new fancy windows mobile but can’t work out how to add the callers name to it – Tsk… well, I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications, not easy that yer know. Hehehe! TTFN

      • Fortunately my son put all the names in my new mobile thing. The oddest thing though (this is 100% true) when I had an incoming call for the first time I had no idea what to do and seemingly the whole cafe were bellowing ‘swipe it’ at me so I did yet it seems I swiped in the wrong direction! I heard one punter at a distant table mumble the ‘c’ word!

Leave a Reply