What has Inchcock learnt? Words of Wisdom for Whippersnappers to digest

Here They Are:

GC (6)* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!

* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!

* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as in the top ten!

GC blue f03* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around me!

* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who get bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog that attacked us!

GC* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!

* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, me or the poor bus cleaner!

* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!

GC2cut08* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, bus-passes, medications, mobile phones, keys, clothing, hats, and even spoons!

* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette on every visit!

* The ability to take me 6 morning medications at night, and your 8 evening medications in the morning!

GC blueface02* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what you went into that room for!

* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!

* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank IMG_0038queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, Pub queues, Council Benefits qeues and by the general public at large!

* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from me anus!

* The ability to scare people horrendously when I smile and say ‘Good Morning’ to them!

GCbustop* The ability to lipread wrongly!

* The ability to get on the wrong bus!

* The ability to maintain me life of sorts, despite your constant failings and depression!

* The ability to tell the truth – this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!

Medicated* The ability to want to help others – a futile quality!

* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!

* The ability to almost see me feet looking down passed me ever expanding bouncy belly!

IMG_0044* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices!

* The ability to remember things from years ago!

* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!

* The ability to enjoy using carbolic soap!

* The ability to realise that the adage ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ is valid!

GCcell1* The ability to realise that ‘Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem’!

* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!

GCsat* The ability to realise that: When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.

* The ability to understand what W. Somerset Maugham meant by ‘An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones’

* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

GCfall* The excellently honed and perfected ability to have the hospital staff in tears of laughter!

* An ability to present myself as a target for Pavement Cyclist and mobility scooter drivers everytime I venture out.

If you are lucky enough to live long enough, many of these attributes will come to you, wanted or not.

So make the best of things now kids, and good luck!

Inchcock Views High-Rise Council Pensioners Flat on the 16th Floor

Woodthorpe

The other day I went to view an warden aided flat,

To get there I had to be strong and an acrobat,

Top of a hill, it was windy, glad I had me hat,

I found the City Councils Commissariat.

We went to look at the flat, on the 16th floor,

I noticed the kicked in panel on the front door,

The place was in a right state, very poor,

Electrics hanging off the wall down to the bare floor,

A smell lingered everywhere, a sweet sickly odour,

Noises from the Romanians living next door.

A distinct feeling of gloom lingered in the air,

I decided I didn’t want to live there,

Although the view from the window was fair,

I turned on a tap, the water was brown… I despair!

I caught the wall and the plaster shred,

A lick of paint will sort that, the Commissariat said,

That only made me cringe and exacerbate,

Then under the sink an insect zoo did await!

The light switch hung off the wall by its wire,

In the front room a non-working electric fire,

The ceiling peeling, electric needing a rewire,

For living here I could not aspire!

I told the Commissariat Thanks but I don’t think so,

She took it like a mortal lethal blow,

She scowled at me, and don’t you know…

She didn’t speak to me again and let me go.

Hey-ho!

Wed 17 June 2015: Inchcock Today – Housebound Again! Tsk!

04hWednesday 17th June 2015

Got a decent kip in last night – which is good ’cause I was well shattered!

I realised I’d missed off one of me Whoopsiedangleplops from yesterdays diary, here it is:

CityRain

f1The Orange X is where I caught the L 8 bus at the flats thinking it went to the City Centre, it is also where I got off the bus after it did its anti-clockwise circular route back to the flats!

So I walked back to Carrington instead.

Later I found out there was another bus, an L9 that does go to town from the flats, but only one an hour, Mon to Fri from 0933 t0 1633hrs, Saturdays only four buses between 1031 and 1630hrs and none on s Sunday – not very good for getting about then from these flats?

Took me medications with some orange juice and did a bit of Facebooking.

The shoulder/back is still sore but I think less so than yesterday.

Got to stay in today, in case Steve from Age UK calls with any news about the Colville Court flats, and I can make me way to meet him quicklyish if viewing possible today – if I go out sometimes I cannot hear the mobile ringing with traffic or any noise about me.

Started this diary off on the new laptop when I got down, and made a cuppa.

Thought of feeding the pigeons but they were outnumbered by the preying cats under all the cars.

Did some graphicalisationing – the Steve rang.

He’s kindly arranged for us to go to see the flats tomorrow – he’ll ring about 1200hrs to let me know the time to meet him there.

Now I can get missen washed and brushed up and go to Morrison’s see if they have owt appealing, must not buy owt I don”t need though. (Oh yes you say, we’ve heard that before?)

So, no longer housebound – I abluted and set off for the bus to town and get another bus out to Morrison’s.

IMG_0159The City centre was busy when I arrived.

Walked around the corner and waited for a number 5 or 8 bus out to Gamston’s Morrison shop.

I love me free pensioners bus-pass!

The wind was getting up a tad on the way as I noticed the trees a-blowing in it like.

IMG_0160twisted wrongly or moved – Tsk!

Arrived at the store and set off to look for the Walls BBQ sausages on offer from £2.50 down to £1.

Found them and took the last four packs from the freezer.

As I came out the wind was even worse, and just managed to miss the bus.

Still one came along 15 minutes later.

I’d bought only light stuff along with the sausages so as not to risk pulling on me wound. Marmite Crisps and Oddities bikkies.

Back to ttown and caught bus to Carrington.

Enroute me phone made a noise and I checked it – a message from the Surgery confirming me 15.45 appointment tomorrow to have me wound cleaned and re-IMG_0162plastered. This caused me some concern, because the hand written note on me card looked like 13.45… oh dear.

So I called in the GP surgery (Getting like a second home this is – wonder if they might put me up? Hehe!) to confirm the time. It is 1545hrs.

When I came out the wind was really belting at a pace.

IMG_0163Back to the pit and changed the time of this appointment on me diary.

Decided tonight would be sausages in tomatoes that I added oregano, basil and Rosemary too.

Hope it tastes alright?

It were grand it was. Rated it 8.5/10.

Them new sausages are marvellous!

Bit of bother with the haemorrhoids bleeding when I woke up after 15 minutes kip. Soon cleaned missen up and nodded off again.

TTFN all.