Having owned many different types of motorbikes for many years, I thought it a good idea to buy a three-wheeler car that I could drive with legally, on my motorbike licence.
I eventually got a Reliant Robin (brown), W reg. Apart from still wanting to put on my gloves, boots and crash helmet before I drove it, I loved it, and named her Wilhelmina.
After a few years, I met an actual female called Wilhelmina, and decided that it was time to move up to a larger vehicle to facilitate easier snuggling snogging and groping between us.
The problem was a lack of funds to enable such a move – so I drove around looking for a cheap 4-door vehicle I could part exchange the Robin for.
There was nothing to be found, until I came across small car sales in Basford, Nottingham. The owner not only acted like Arthur Daley, he looked a bit like him too. Anyway, we decided after he’s looked at my three-wheeler, to do a straight swap for a Skoda Estelle!
Pleased as punch I was. He said he’d have a new battery fitted before I collected it.
A few days later, I was driving away in my ‘new’ car.
The first thing I noticed was that it appeared to be running on petrol fumes as the fuel indicator showed empty! I found a petrol station and filled her up.
Eventually I Christened her ‘Wilhelmina Maybe’, you know? “Maybe it’ll start this time!”
It was the start of Skoda experience, as any used Skoda Estelle owner will tell you, included the many trips to the scrap-yard to get spare parts to repair it. Alternator/starter motor, door window wires, speedometer, U-bends, locks, valves, and other little things. At least then, the parts were cheap, with so many Estelle’s being in the scrap yards.
The female Wilhelmina left me for a Ford Capri owning git.
I had to get many tows, over the time I had her, and joined the RAC. On one occasion, I’d parked in the multi-storey car park, and had to call the RAC as she would not start (again!). The RAC said for me to meet the patrolman at the entrance, as he was in a high van. So I did that.
When the chap arrived, he first confirmed with me that it was a Skoda Estelle I had, and the problem – then he opened his van, took out a great big hammer, closed the door, and we proceeded to the car on the third floor. With me feeling a little concerned.
He got me to sit in the driver’s seat, and turn the key as he belted the alternator/starter motor with the hammer. It worked a treat. He told me to get a new alternator ASAP. So I did.
About 6 months later, I was cruising (spluttering more like) down the ring-road in Nottingham, glancing in the rear-view mirror at the exhaust smoke, and wondering what the new rattle might be being caused by, and it suddenly dawned on me, I was driving the car illegally on my motorbike licence!
Started laptop, made a cuppa, Grape-nut Flakes and took medications.
Worked on preparing Woes 24, graphic creating was a problem, due to the high memory needed.
Went up and did me ablutions (No blood, very little pain, looking good).
Mansfield Road on me walk into town.
About 1215hrs, set off on me walk into town. Nice weather.
I called in the launderette to see Mandy as I passed. Well, she idolises me yer know… (Well she spoke to me anyway.)
I went into Tesco to get me wholemeal wraps.
Took this photograph from the bus as we passed me hospital. (Yer can see me camera reflection… all planned of course. [Ahem])Caught bus to Derby. Fed the pigeons, quick walk around, then caught bus to Mansfield. (Gawd bless the free bus pass!)
At Mansfield, I had a walk around the market.
Then nipped into B and M stores, got some curried beans on offer at 3 for a quid, and some porridge pots at 39p each. (By gum I live well!)
Mansfield – Arghh!
Noticed a new Mobility Scooter shop had opened (Or it has always been there but Inchcock didn’t notice?)
Started to get a bit dark, rain threatening.
Caught the bus back to Carrington and the hovel. Traffic very bad and slow, driver thought there must have been an accident somewhere in the road-works.
Mansfield – Gerrin dark now!
Just before I alighted the bus, the heavens opened.
A very soaked Inchcock got in about 1750hrs.
Started the laptop, made a cuppa (Thompson’s excellent strong brew), and started sneezing a lot?
Updated this tosh.
Made a second cuppa, and dropped the milk while doing so. Tsk!
Inchcock gets Soaked!
Noticed letter had been delivered (No I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before) Got to make appointment to go see the GP? Dang dang dang dang… what now methinks!)
I’ll nip there in the morning… oh that’ll be Saturday… do they open then? I’ll go Monday.
Sorry this issue of Inchcock Today is a bit bland, but even I can’t be having disasters every day… can I?
Mobility Scooter – Light Blue TGA Breeze 4 Ultimate
Dear Driver of Light Blue TGA Breeze 4 Ultimate Mobility Scooter,
I would like to offer some advice/tips suggestions, for you, if you are the owner of the Light Blue TGA Breeze 4 Ultimate Mobility Scooter driving in Victoria shopping centre; that I unthinkingly attacked as it ran over me last week.
During a shopping expedition, I was stood, carrier bags by my side, resting my arthritic knee, and coping with the sternum pains from my cardiac operation, leant on my walking stick – and was knobbled from behind by the driver and this mobility scooter referred to above.
As I fell to the floor, and my walking stick broke, I took the route via the nearby pillar, to the floor, assaulting it with my head.
The head wound seemed worse than it really was, as I lost a lot of blood due to the anticoagulation tablets I’m on, and took a while to stem the flow.
Just in case you might have been concerned.
A nearby lady shouted after you, the formula one inspired driver, with an “Ooi!”
Your verbal answer was just one word, descriptive of the male collective reproductive organs, beginning with a ‘B’.
I thought that was out of order under the circumstances.
You naughty man!
I would like to offer you some Mobility Scooter driving lessons (I know, they are not required by law!), I would be more than willing to give you some myself at no cost to you (Mr Button senior?)
In my younger days I was an instructor with the Star Motorbike Driver Training School, in Nottingham, so feel sure I could put you in the right direction, for you to become less of an arsehole and danger to other pedestrians and drivers.
If you would like to meet with me, let me know. I’d really like to meet with you again.
Inchcock looking a lot more cheerful today after his morning medications
As we at the Inchy’s True Tales of Woe Corn-plaster Appreciation Society move temporarily into Inchcock’s Security Career Woes, let’s take a moment to reflect for a moment on the earlier true masterpieces formulated from the memory of the insanitary, bald old chap’s tormented mind.
We know he was born a bloodied Park Drive cigarette ash covered unwanted little 3lb 3oz mite. Let’s face it, his mother and the mid-wife told him it was so.
But did it discourage our little hero? Well apart from the suicide attempt, and the rampant depression like.
Today in his twilight years, as he searches and hopes to find anyone other than Benefit office staff, bus drivers and shopkeepers who will talk to him, he has (He tells me), found a minuscule but certain iota of acceptance of his fate and Woes. How did he manage this you might ask? (If you don’t ask, please proceed to the main body of this True Tales of Woe Part 23)
Inchcock himself explains:
“Well, yer see midduck, I thought if I don’t not expect owt good to happen, I cud accept the things that ain’t good like, yer see?”
Security Guard Inchy – Has to call for backup
I was working as a static security guard in Nottingham, at a furniture making factory.
The company had asked for a security officer, as an end wall to the factory, had been hit by a fork lift, and it had collapsed. So security was well and truly compromised, and they required cover over the night until it could be repaired or rebuilt.
I was summoned from my first night off in fourteen days to attend.
The night manager met me there, and took me on a quick walk around the site, as it started to pour down with rain.
Bad signal
He warned me that the RT (Radio Transmitter) did not work well in that area, nor did the mobile phone.
I was based in an old dilapidated office near the entrance gates, with a land-line phone that did not work. A cold outside tap and an electric kettle that leaked and a holed roof.
The unit was at the end of a cul-de-sac, they had sensor lights in the lorry yard, as I found out on my first patrol, I also discovered that in the centre of the yard, the RT worked a little better, so decided I’d make my check calls through the night from that spot.
The night manager called at the site about 0030hrs for a sit-rep, and kindly freed me of the problem I was having of whether to eat my shortcake biscuits now or later, by consuming them himself.
Off he shot into the night, it began to rain again, I relocked the gates, and realised I was a little late with my regular check call to the control room – so I walked into the centre of the lorry park yard to make the call. While doing so, the sensor lights came on, and lit up the sight of two male bodies at the far end of the site near the damaged wall!
I asked for back up, as the two bodies went in different directions, one I saw jump over the fencing.
I waited near the gate, and the back-up arrived in the form of Mick, a mobile patrol officer along with his white Alsatian bitch dog, named ‘Belle’.
I opened the gate to let them in, then relocked it, and joined them as he was letting the bitch out of the van. I gave him a quick explanation of events, and the three of us were walking down the yard to the area where I’d last seen the missing intruder.
It was at that point that I realised the dog was chewing on my right ankle as we walked! Mick laughed, I cursed ‘Belle’, and she just growled a bit in my direction and looked at me with a puzzled expression!
We moved on to where they had placed stacks of pallets in place of the wall. I moved towards the pallets, to see if I could find any rain made footprints on them, to identify whether the intruder had or had not climbed or tried to climb over the pallets into the factory.
There were no footprints, but as I was returning into the yard, I noticed a large drain cover was dislodged in the yard. I pointed this out to Mick, who also thought it possible that the intruder had hid himself under the drain cover – so I bent down, and as I shone my torchlight into the depths… ‘Belle’ decided to chew on my left hand this time!
More laughter from Mick. More cursing from me. Oh, and tail wagging from Belle as she gnawed away at me limb ensued.’
There were no signs of the intruder in the drains.
At this point I told Mick top get the ‘…king dog back in his van.
A visual check of the site brought no signs of the intruder, and we walked back to the vehicle at the gates, to find that the night manager was sat outside trying to get our attention to offer further support.
Mick and ‘Belle’ departed, and the boss came in.
He looked at my leg and hand, and went to get the first-aid kit out of his van. I followed him out of the office and down the steps towards the gate where he’d parked, and slipped on a wet step, going arse-over-tit onto the concrete path, cutting and bruising my right knee!
I was really concerned that the Night Manager might do himself an injury – because he laughed so load and much!
By then, I was genuinely concerned for the health of the night manager, as he was laughing so much!
The boss managed to contain his merriment long enough to treat the wounds, and as he was about to leave site, two police officers arrived and they all came in for a cuppa, and finished off me shortcakes whilst laughing energetically at my downfall!
It was an awfully long time before for the other lads stopped the jibes. You’d be amazed at the ingenious ways they brought ‘bite’, ‘dog’, ‘bell’, ‘Wood-Would’ and ‘blood’ into the conversations!
When they had all gone, I secured the gates and started on a patrol of the site, as it started to thunder and lightning… guess who got hit my the lightning?
Inchcock is going (Hopefully) to visit his Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete today. As you can see, Pete is not a fan of shavers, razors or Gillette at all. Inchcock is excited about his trip out, and looking forward to it with great enthusiasm and trepidation. The ‘Trepidation’ comes via his dream last night about wild mobility scooters on the rampage, and his excruciatingly agonising harrowing death at the hands of one of them!
1600hrs Tuesday11th August
Yobs on street. WC. Moved upstairs, read book, watched DVD, and had nibbles.
Wednesday 13th August:
More bad dreams. Up at 0500hrs. WC.
Started the laptop. Had breakfast (Medications) and a cuppa.
Blogged and emailed for a while.
Arthur Itis, angina and lower regions not feeling too bad at the moment. The reflux valve a bit bothersome like.
WC, glad to report all well in this activity this morning – No blood, No pain.
Updated this load of true baloney.
Got ready and set out to go to Jane’s house. Very busy in city centre. Caught 2nd bus out, and had a natter with Jane and Pete.
Said I was wanting to take their photo, but I lost the plot and forgot to take it. Tsk!
Caught bus back after an hour or so, and had a walk around town, then caught bus to Derby. I had a poddle about in the Eagle Centre Market. Noticed there wus a lot lot Disabled Scooter folk about – and today they were in twos!
Folk didn’t seem too happy today, but then there were plenty of yobs around acting in an intimidating fashion.
Fed the pigeons, avoiding the skateboarders belting around – bloody school holidays!
Caught bus back to Nottingham, then bus to the hovel.
Would you believe it, straight outside the house, 6 yobs swearing threatening and kicking a football about.
I brought me laptop up to the bathroom, where I’m doing this.
Didn’t want to call the police, as last time when I did, the clot of a Constable came straight to the house and knocked on the door, while they were looking – so they knew who called em. The next day I was attacked as I went out for a walk to the chemist. I didn’t see the youths as they came from behind, but I reckon it was them.
I’d spotted a job for an American Delivery Company just starting up in Stapleford, Nottinghamshire, England, for Telephone Advisor’s. The money on offer was fenomon… phunomin.. very good.
I contacted the number given, and it was arranged for me to go on a three day assessment course, where the successful candidates would be forwarded for an actual interview.
I genned up as much as possible on the requirements for the job, and then on the day, went to the training centre where it was held on Stoney Street, and joined about 18 other hopeful applicants.
It was explained to us that the first day would be filling in forms about ourselves in great detail, and answering personal questions. The second day would be an IQ test in general. The third day, would be a language test, followed by a break, and then we would each be called into an office to be given the results, along with a computer generated ‘Personal report’, that we could use in any future job applications if we failed this one.
The IQ test, demanded an answer to each of the 200 questions. Which in my case was a little difficult as I didn’t understand half of the questions.
Still I stumble through it as best I could. After which I realised I would not be being picked to go through to the interview stage.
The second day’s test, demanded that we only answer the questions we were sure we knew the answer to. This didn’t take me long at all; I think I only knew about 20% of them, if that.
The third day we all filled in the personal answers required, and I managed to convince myself that my smattering of German might be enough, then we were sent out to have a meal, to return for our assessments in two hours.
We duly sat waiting, some nervously, awaiting our names to be called summoning us into the office. I was not concerned in the least bit: I knew for certain I’d failed.
I was the last one to be called into the office. The two chaps and one lady behind the desk were Americans, and seemed very nice and chatty.
They asked if I minded some of the (company name) bosses coming in to see me. I replied “No not at all, why please?”
The chap said that part of the (company name) policy, was to carry out an EQ level test on all applicants, they have been doing it in America for years, this was the first time it had been applied in the UK, and I was the highest level of EQ ever recorded.
Some people came in and shook my hand as if I had just won something. Then smiled and left?
Part of the Assessment report was recommended career paths for me. The top one was as a Police Officer? I’d have thought that whoever created that career might have noticed I was only 5’3″ tall to start with!
So I left the premises a might confused… no job advancement, lowest IQ test level result, highest EQ level result, and with congratulation ringing in my ear from the company bosses?
We’re a bit worried about Inchy today folks. He seems in a reasonable mood. Never mind, something is bound to bring him back down to earth with a bump. Talking of bumps, he had the one near his.. on his.. the one that appeared last month. The clinic surgically removed it last week, but he didn’t tell you about it because he was a bit embarrassed do you see. Well… the last few days really, nowt exciting enough to write about yer see…
Saturday 9th August
Oh, dear, WC visits throughout the night.
Woke up 0510hrs with cramps and fears from the nightmares I’d had..
Trundled down and put laptop on, then kettle on, then made cuppa and porridge, then took me medications… then waited for the laptop to finish booting up! Oh dear, I’m lost without me internet yer know.
Had to reboot laptop again, to get the internet going and letting me load wordpress with top bar on screen. By now, me cuppa and porridge were cold, so made another brew… While pouring it out, I had a dizzy spell, and managed to pour boiling water over me fingers. Applied water then olive oil to the tender red patches on me digits… oh, I think I swore a bit as well.
Posted Inchcock Today’s, then worked on graphics for another post.
Spent the whole day internetting on blogs and making graphics, it were grand it were.
Come early evening, I was drained mentally. (Poor old devil/thing).
Sunday 10th August
Up at 0430hrs. WC.
Laptop booted, kettle on, medications taken, WC, bowl of Grape-nut Flakes… then waited a further few minutes for the laptop to finish loading. I’m gerrin’ worried the old gal is about to conk-out… oh, lost without me internet yer know. Mind you, I might beat her to it yet.
Storms, rain and hibernation wus the order of things today.
Got no-end of blogging done again.
Monday 11th August
Up at 0400hrs, WC. (Bit of blood) A new twinge today to join me compilation of complications – stomach ache (Not the ulcer or reflux valve this time).
Laptop started.
WC visit, had to change me bandage.
Down, made a cuppa and took me medications.
Finally got me graphics finished for me ‘Inchcock’s Tips/Advice for those Approaching Old Age’ post, by gum it took ages.
I’ve been having a few more dizzy spells recently, and last night, I forgot to take me medications – this morning, no dizzies at all? Perhaps this is indicationistcal that one of me night medications might have been causing the problem – but which one? (See what a keen diagnostic mind I have today?)
Went up and dun me teggies, washed me tootsies, had a good shave, washed me horrendous torso, applied me Dermatological cream in the require places, changed me bandage, applied me ear-hole spray and took me midday medications.
Another cuppa, and I set off for the hospital. Got the bus today to town, then out to the QMC.
I wus seen to quickly, and out in half an hour or so. (No prodding or groping today – Drat!)
It wus piss.. pouring down when I got out, so instead of walking to town, I caught the bus there.
I remembered I wanted to have a look in the library for a book what Antony Beever had used for reference hen he wrote ‘Stalingrad’.
It was called ‘They Never Came Back’ by Siegfried Muhler. I hobbled up three flights of stairs and asked at the desk. The nice lady eventually told me it might be out of print. I should try a book store. So I did.
First I limped to Wesley Owen Books & Music, on Castle Gate. No luck.
Then to Waterstone’s on Bridlesmith Gate. They think it’s out of print.
Then WHSmith in Victoria Centre. No luck.
Along I staggered to Mary & Tony’s Books also in Victoria Centre – the nice lady there said she may be able to get me a copy in Romanian if I wanted?
I gave up.
Pottered around the City Centre a bit, and took a photo of the Council House – and very nearly copped it again with a Disabled Scooter nearly hitting me as I took the photo! Tsk!
Then into Tesco and got some Wholemeal bread wraps and a pack of Hunter’s sausage, and Torunska sauage. Then, after I’d paid the very weary looking chap on the checkout for them, I remembered I’d ordered a pack of Silesian sausage for delivery from Morrison’s. Well, at least I won’t have to buy any meat for the rest of the week, or even longer.
I wandered gingerly up to the bus stop, and caught the bus back to the hovel.
As I dropped off the bus, I remembered I’d not made an appointment for next week with the hospital. Ah well, it’ll give me run out another day.
I got in.
Got the laptop on, and updated this tosh.
I did some graphics in readiness for later blogs.
Went up and changed me shoes fer me slippers – the stubbed me toes on the way down stairs.
Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age
Inchcock, just before his last arrest
This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.
Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!
Things wot you will miss and why!
You Will Miss:
Kicking the cat.
The Reason/Why:
She’s just too quick for you nowadays!
You Will Miss:
Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.
The Reason/Why:
Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?
You Will Miss:
Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.
The Reason/Why:
They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!
You Will Miss:
On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!
The Reason/Why:
Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!
You Will Miss:
The attention of the opposite sex!
The Reason/Why:
Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?
You Will Miss:
Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!
The Reason/Why:
It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!
You Will Miss:
Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.
The Reason/Why:
No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!
You Will Miss:
Making financial donations without flinching!
The Reason/Why:
Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!
You Will Miss:
The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!
The Reason/Why:
The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!
You Will Miss:
Taking a drive out in the countryside.
The Reason/Why:
They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.
You Will Miss:
The odd Politician you could believe.
The Reason/Why:
They no longer exist!
You Will Miss:
Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.
The Reason/Why:
There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?
You Will Miss:
The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!
The Reason/Why:
So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.
You Will Miss:
Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.
The Reason/Why:
You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.
You Will Miss:
Having a pint and your pipe.
The Reason/Why:
The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!
Juan Inchcock, our 68 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the today.
Partly due to his arthritis, angina, losing his free-bus-pass and walking stick, the flapping holed sole of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather.
He was straining a thrice-used Asda Smartprice tea bag, when he thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful walks through his beloved Nottingham.
He takes up the story… no hang on, he’ll take up the story when he returns from the loo.
(Whistle whistle…)
Ah here he comes….
Inchcock explains all
I feel rather sad really, realising the many things I had come to expect to see and enjoy on my daily hobble into Nottingham and by bus-ride back home again.
The things I miss most
* The skills I’ve acquired over the years in avoiding the dog phoo and broken bottles on the way to the main road.
* Checking for the gangs of yobs, and taking a different route.
* The skilful way I avoid the stones thrown at me, and ignore having my parentage questioned by the little mites in the playground as I pass the Junior school.
* Passing the many Pay-Day loan outlets is a bit depressing though. Not often I see any customers in them, but they always seem to be someone smoking, with a pram with toddler and beer cans in it, and a few kids with them. The kids are usually trying their best to destroy the furniture in the office.
* The pleasure of guessing to myself, where the next road blocked off while the police investigate the murder, stabbing, or fire-bombing that took place the previous night will be situated.
* Using my vast experience and skills in spotting and avoiding the beggars, Big Issue sellers, and pickpockets as I approach the city centre.
* Observing the playful way in which the shoplifters are occasionally removed from the stores into the police vehicles.
* Popping into the 99p store to be short-changed, sneered at and overcharged, I have to appreciate their consistency.
* Moving along to the Pound shop and getting out without physical injury is very rewarding – reminds me of jumble sales in the 1960’s.
* The St Peter’s Church area. Where one can find Jehovah’s witnesses, Muslims’ and of odd Christian spouting their beliefs.
* The clever way in which I take the routes less likely to be shat on by the pigeons, not always successfully I admit… all this experience is invaluable.
* To stand and watch Himmler, the parking attendant, with his chest out, and weighed down with all his pouches, machines, and tackle around his midriff, strutting up and down Mansfield Road, as he totally ignores cars parked on the pavement, and in the disabled bay. I often wondered if his ticket machine actually works, I’ve never seen him use it yet this year (or last year come to that!).
* The lunchtime drunks falling out of the pubs can be entertaining too.
* I often wonder if I am the only person to see the drug dealing going on in the city library and McDonald’s.
* Avoiding the gangs of lager swilling pot smoking scary looking gentlemen who gather outside of the three benefit offices in the city centre is an essential part of surviving a walk through town. But I have to take care not to trip over any of empty strong lager cans.
* The gentle whiff of rotting decay rising from the canal, as the ducks try to navigate around the shopping trolleys, condoms, empty cider bottles, and bicycles to get to the bread I’ve thrown in for them is always worth a look.
* The constant melodious sound of intruder alarms, car, and emergency vehicle sirens and klaxon’s, mingle with voices and curses of people being arrested, the children swearing, and the many different languages being spoken, all blend together to create a distinctively Nottingham sound that should be appreciated.
* A quick check on the many Charity shops – but they cannot help me!
* I might pop into the Arboretum to feed the ducks, get mugged, on my way to a meeting with my financial advisor (Social Security Benefits Office).
* An essential part of my strolls through the City Centre is to count the many and ever increasing number of retail premises closed down, for sale, lease, or rent. I do a report each month for the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society’s newsletter, although they have never printed one yet.
* I’ll often stand outside Starbucks, Caffe Nero or Costa Coffee, and sniff in the aroma, watching the people inside who can afford £2.99 for a cup of the horrible stuff.
* The pleasant group of youths who congregate in the slab square near the fountains are worth a watch while I rest me weary feet and legs and eat me seaweed. I think the one with four ear-rings, a nose ring, smudged tattoos on his neck and green dyed hair is the best of them at seeing hoe far they can spit into the paddling pool area.
* Having been hit four times my Mobility Scooters (Or the people supposedly driving them) I am on tenterhooks when in the city centre. So I have to try and keep an eye out for them while trying to keep me balance walking, and watching for potential muggers. (I’ve been mugged twice as well).
