This weeks helpful advice accrued for fellow Senior Dodderers

Without any questionisationing, the last few days happenings at Inchcock’s Mansion in the Sky, have proven to be of infinitesimal benefit for him, in his quest to be of use as the WordPress Senior Bloggers Doddery Advisory Editor for Whippersnappers, and what they can anticipate and expect to be having to cope with in their later years.

No nonsensical airy-fairy Namby-Pamby these may or may not be applicable to all of the young shoplifters and drugged muggers in future years.

Each actual incident is described, and real advice offered. So that those nearing the Coffin-Waiting time of life can face it with the certain knowledge that they are about to tackle their final challenges, and can do so, knowing how Inchcock managed. (Fair enough he failed, but there you are!)


Incident One

The support-gloved removal of fodder from the oven:

You will find it easy to do this and singe your gloves and fingers. The pain will not bother you too much, however, because you’ll be suffering from the Angina, and this will probably what caused you to forget to use the oven glove in the first place.


Incident Two

Removing the new milk jug from the refrigerator:

Reaching in and getting some milk for your strong cup of tea, no doubt used to be an easy task?

Inchcock advises you do not use a paper coaster in an effort to keep the glass shelf clean in the fridge, like what he did.

You will find as you remove the jug, the coaster will fall off. You will naturally make a failed grab in an effort to try and catch the paper disc before it lands on the floor, where you will be in great pain from your arthritis and pulled leg muscle in retrieving it from.

Unfortunately, you will miss the coaster and drop the milk jug at the same time. Also, you’ll bang your head on the fridge door in your efforts.

Cleaning up the mess up, will prompt your backache and swollen knees to start giving you some stick, pain-wise.

You may well invent a new curse word like Inchy did, ‘Schramblackgustit!’

A new jug will cost you £3 from Asda.


Incident three

The bathroom Heater Costs:

Taking your bath and ablutions will be painful enough just getting into, and especially so, out of the tub.

Not forgetting to turn off the heater, then going back in two hours later to find you didn’t turn it off, can and will damage your finances.

On the plus side, it’ll be nice and warm in there next time you use the throne but beware of falling asleep on it like what Inchy did. Falling off of it can cause medical problems, and getting back up will be no picnic either! Remember to keep your Health Alert panic button wristlet on, but not when you are in the bath – this has also proved costly to the Editor in the passed. Tsk!


Incident Four

The battery operated dab radio in the bathroom:

What a good idea thought Inchcock, he could listen to his beloved Radio Nottingham whilst taking a bath or using the porcelain now he’s bought a battery operated unit.

He found the reception crap, and the volume available not high enough for him to hear it. The batteries don’t last long either. He also has adopted a regular habit of not turning it off after using the bathroom. He recommends if you take this route, keep a good stock of AA batteries in… and try to remember where you stored them too, important this bit!

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Incident Five

Housework One:

Failure to remember where the sharp corners are on the furniture, particularly the electric fireplace that always attracts dust even though he has never used it.It makes such a mess

It also makes such a mess when he tries to help himself back up after cleaning the thing, it’s amazing how many times the truncheon, photo frame, and clock, have along with Inchcock tumble to the floor while carrying out this simple cleaning task. He’s alright now thanks, the bleeding on his ear-hole tab has stopped.

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Incident Six

Mobile Phone charging calamity:

When charging the mobile phone, it is best not to forget you’ve put it on charge for two days.

Lack of incoming calls (Though understandable), could be avoided, thus, you will be reminded that the phone is still on charge when you eventually find it as it rings. If as with Inchy, you do not get any incoming calls much, you might try setting the alarm on the mobile to remind you of when it is fully charged? Of course being deaf, you may not hear it anyway. Still, it keeps the EE phone shop happy selling me the replacement batteries regularly.

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Incident Seven

Cooking and Traditional Wood Dye:

A good bit of advice here for those few whippersnappers that may still be capable of cooking their own fodder in the later years.

When using  your wood dye on your walking stick scratches, always, I say always! Put the can and micro-duster away out of view. Why? Well, you might copy Inchcock, and while you are setting out your food on the plate then realise you’ve left the open can of dye out on the work surface. Decide to screw back the cap on it and put it away securely. It is best not to let the thing slip from your arthritic hands as you screw the cap back on and as you make determined but futile lunge for the falling can, the contents spill right onto your lamb stew on your plate you’ve just served up for yourself! Humph!


Incident Eight

So, you want to read some of your book, called Leningrad:

A great idea comes to you, you’ve got an hour and a bit to wait for the bus, not long enough to do anything on the laptop, so decide to have a read of your book?

You peruse the bookshelf and can’t see it there? You will try to recall when you last had a read of it, was it in the bathroom, a search in there will prove worthless. You spent the two hours searching, getting annoyed with yourself. You’ll check your shopping bag, bedroom, kitchen and cupboards. You give up and set off on the bus to your doctors appointment. You get back four hours later, make a cuppa and look at the bookshelf again – and there it is, Leningrad, top right of the shelf? Annoying this will be!


Incident Nine

Another bathroom Cock-up to avoid:

You find out that Bicarbonate of Soda granules will work perfectly as a bath tub cleaner.

Just make sure you keep the packet away from your bath salts!

Mind you, if you too get them mixed up, you will get a good clean, but tingling sensation after your bath! Hehe!

Inchcock Today Wed 17 Feb 16: Started slow, then got slower!

A lawyer was making his case in a crowded courtroom when he noticed four gentlemen in the back of the room on tip-toes and trying to get a better view.

So the lawyer stood up on a chair and asked if they could see him now, the four men, an Englishman, a Frenchmen, a Spaniard and a German, answer the lawyer in order:

“Yes!” “Oui!” “Sí” “Ja!”!

With thanks to Timothy Price, for forwarding this joke for me to use.


Wednesday 17th February 2016

Gave up trying to sleep and got up around 0110hrs. Had a painful tinkle, made a cuppa and laptop on.

Got on with finishing the Monday diary.

Doing a lot of sneezing this morning, hang on I’ll check the thermometer in the kitchen… 57°f, not good that.G

Did some Facebooking. For a long time.

Checked the emails. Two of the gals that are concerned about my pamphagous eating habits offered advice. Bless their cotton socks.

Then got the bath running and perfumed.

Good soak, during which I listened to the local radio, snow forecast for high ground today. Not a lot it said.

Dried off well, medicated the sickly parts of my immense blubbery body that were in need. Checked the taps were not left on, put the towels in the airing cupboard, cleaned the bath, sink and taps, then adorned my Titanic torso with the day clothes.

JaneOld 01

A young Sister Jane

Rang Sister Jane while I was making a cuppa. Had a natter. Told her I’d doctored and sent a photograph of her earlier, and sent it to her via email, from when she was about two years of age.

I hope that cheers her up a bit.

Got the laptop out of sleep mode and checked the rest of the emails.

Realised I’d left my bob-cap in the WC, went to retrieve it and found I’d left the heater on again. Lovely and warm in there now, Tsk!

I got CorelDraw opened, and started a graphicalisation I’d been hoping to start for ages.

NCCwalk01I was checking some old stuff for graphics that I did years ago and found a word I’d not used for even longer. Phlyarologist! That describes me to a tee!

The graphicalisationing took me the whole day – and a bit of guilt at getting nowt else done or sorted!

BJ rang me, to confirm he’s coming in the morning to go to the Coffee tenant 01W02meeting with me. no idea what to expect from it.

I got to the WC and no blood from Little Inchy, rare but good that.

Had four Soda bread slices toasted, two with Marmite, Two with Blackcurrant Jam.

Collapsed in the chair and occasionally dozed for short periods, kept waking up with ideas to get something done, but nodded off again each time. Tsk!

So, managed to wake long enough to take me medications, and the odd trip to the bathroom. Things are getting a bit hard in passing again. If it’s the same in the morning, I’ll take a Senna tablet with my morning medications.

Put the A-Team DVD in the telly thingy, and that did the trick.

Nodded off nicely!