Virgin Media Goes Down Again. An ode from the Nottingham Pensioner

The Virgin Internet has gone down again.

So, feeling a tad sad and depressed,

The Nottingham Pensioner wrote in rhyme about life. Oh yes!

Why has his Virgin Internet gone down he did bemoan?

His frustration and infuriation had now grown,

Inchcock thought he’d do a poetic verbal moan,

Why when born his mother wanted to him disown?

Why so ugly, and doesn’t he know the meaning of homophone?

Why at five into the canal he was intimidatingly thrown?

Why is he Whoopsiedangleplop and accident-prone?

Why Mummy ran away leaving him and Dad alone?

Why his brother went into the army, his sister went off to Rome?

Why his Dad always refused to buy him a gramophone?

Why is romance to him, almost unbeknown?

Why since 1970, has his hair never grown?

Why in later years he never tried methadone?

Why he didn’t know, what was a pheromone?

Why does his deafness make other folks tut and groan?

Why he likes the sound of the clarinet and saxophone?

Despite his musical ignorance he seemed to like the tone,

Why he never got fed food that was home grown?

Why he didn’t realise he’d no garden just grey stones?

Why his falling in love Cupid had to postpone?

Why he did he not understand what is the ozone?

Why didn’t he like tripe, cow-heel and any currant scone?

Why was it him that always grazed his shin bone?

Why does he look like a weasel and not Stallone?

Why others used him as a stepping stone?

Why is he short on testosterone?

Why for misery, he’d make a perfect cicerone?

Why he had no spare cash, pounds, dollars or krone?

Why for morbidity and depression he’d become best-known?

Why, how has he become the perfect boring drone?

Why he had become pathetic and he hadn’t known?

Why he’s no longer the girl-pulling cyclone?

Why is he in pain from knees, fingers, shoulders & hip bone?

Why could he not have realised and foreknown?

Why can he not resist a chunter and miserable groan?

Why doesn’t he swear like others instead he says, ‘I’ll be blown’?

Why self-survival skills the idiot couldn’t hone?

Why when deaf does he have an old basic mobile phone?

Why does he live a solitary zombie-like life alone?

Why has his maturity just never grown?

Why in an aeroplane has he never flown?

Why is he a wimp without any backbone?

Why does he think he’ll one day be well known?

Why, unlike Galileo, he will remain forever unknown,

Why he isn’t destined to fame or to sit on a throne,

Why has he never tried and tasted zabaglione?

Why his emissions of wind are so very well known?

Why for his past failures he cannot atone?

Why confidence and ability, he does not own?

Why he fears reincarnation or someone making him a clone?

Why he lacks social skills and has no backbone?

Why he seeks a social outlet microphone?

Why he wants someone to adopt him or take him on loan?

Why do they keep attaching him to an Osteophone?

Why cyclist on pavements he just cannot condone?

But, why he’s cheered up now is not known… Yes, it is!

Virgin Internet’s back working & he’s on his WordPress Zone!!!

3 thoughts on “Virgin Media Goes Down Again. An ode from the Nottingham Pensioner

  1. The Virgin going down got a lot of words out of you. And so many sad words at that. But it’s quit a clever piece, and I applaud your wordsmith skills. You need an honorary degree for your wordsmithing. I’m thinking about nominating you for an honorary degree at the University of Nottingham. Below is the criteria from their web page at The checks are what I think meet the criteria.

    The following indicative criteria, when considering a nomination, may be of help:
    •  Has a strong Nottingham connection ✓✓✓✓
    •  Has a close University connection – as a student or alumnus/a, visiting staff member or through some form of collaboration ?? (maybe the girl in your dreams is a student at U of N)
    •  Demonstrates exceptional academic achievement ✓
    •  Show extraordinary public/civic achievement ✓✓
    •  By receiving a degree she/he adds to our reputation ✓✓✓✓
    •  She/he is not a current serving politician ✓
    •  The award offers long term relationship/development possibilities ✓
    • The individual is not politically controversial ✓✓
    •  The individual is more than “just” a celebrity, ie can demonstrate achievements which are intellectual, cultural or sporting ✓✓✓✓
    •  The person has not already collected numerous honorary degrees from others ✓
    •  They likely to add value to a ceremony, give a good speech or otherwise bring
    something to the University and the graduation experience. ✓✓✓✓

  2. By golly, “An honorary degree for my Wordsmithing”, that sounds reet grand, Tim. What a lovely kind thought.
    Whether they would consider someone who left education at 14 years of age to earn £3.3.0 ($2.29) a week as the Van Lad and Goffer, would be suitable. Hehe! But I feel honoured at the original thought of it.
    Merci mon ami.
    Some clever people on the listing. I see there is no one Honoured for being an Expert Whoopsiedangleplop Survivor? Haha! Two this morning already to add to the broken tooth from yesterday. Clouted my head coming back in from leaning out of the window to photograph the balconies, then prising off a plastic lid from a Soy Sauce bottle, I decided to try and get it off by cutting it with the steak knife. Say No more.
    You have to laugh.
    Cheers Sir, taketh care.

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