Fort Thomas News Exclusive!
After several years of collecting scientifically challenging reference books, Professor Billum and his partner HRH Lisa, who are now stuck indoors due to the snow, are tackling the job of reducing the number of books in his basement library. He hopes to make room to expand his laboratory and thus, make more room for his medical experiments. Inchcock (rear) said; the task is phenomenal.
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Inchies Friday Diary
Jollities, Festivities, Gaiety and other fibs!
I fang you! A decent kip for once; I reckon I only jumped awake about six times overnight. Not good, of course, but better than the preceding three evenings efforts.
By the time I’d clambered tottering dangerously out of the £300, second-hand, c1968, cringingly-beige-coloured, not-working, haemorrhoid-testing, rickety recliner and caught my balance, I realised how evil the eyes were this morning. So, first job the drops, let them settle, then put some of the sprays on them. After this, they were no worse, and maybe I imagined it but seemed a little better than when I woke.
The ablutionalisationing was tackled first, even before thinking of making a brew of Glengettie tea (Worrying that?). It might be the fact that each time I woke up during the night, spongy emissions of wind were evacuating out of the rear end, and Reflux Valve Roger was sticking a bit, then bursting forth, painfully for a minute or two? But, I felt a little stinky, I thought – mayhaps the rear end emissions were going on while I was asleep?
I got inside the wet room, and the mind meandered off on its own. I got the shower going! Boing! I totally forgot what the time was, and after getting the teeth done and shaving with only two tiny minor nicks, thus assuming a Smug-Mode… I still didn’t recognise what I’d done at that time, and I merrily whistled (Which is getting harder each time I lose another tooth) and sang gayly to myself as I started doing the medicationalisationings.
Which soon put an end to the Smug-Moding, whistling and singing! As usual, I got the potentially most painful job of cleaning and creaming Little Inchies fungal lesion out of the way first. Agony! There are no pain or problems with the Saccades eye drops, Harold’s Haemorrhoids cleaning and creaming, ears oiling, or Arthur Itis Phorpain gelling.
As I was about to increase my level of smugness, it dawned on what time it was… and I’d just used the noisy shower – Guilt overerflowethed!
A Carer arrived, name? Erm… Gorrit, Cassie! She was to take the laundry for me on Fridays, starting today. I had got the bag and capsules softener all ready for her. She did the medicationings, and I treated her to some nibbles and a drink, and off she went.
Onto the computer to finalise yesterdays blog and post it. A message came in on the mobile, it was from Iceland Foods… Ah, I hear you now asking – Why did the pillock have another order from Iceland? The silly old goat had one yesterday?
Ahem! Well, that would be due to my Wednesday and Thursday’s Whoopsiedangleplopping. I made some cheesy potatoes for Richard and got his visiting day wrong. So, I gave them to Valerie, who came. Then Thursday, when Richard was calling, I made another dollop of cheesy potatoes for Richard again – then, I had no potatoes left. Hahaha! So I made a minimum order for today to get some more spuds for myself to have. That’s about right, I think.
The rain started to fall, but not too heavily. Then began to get a little threateningly darker out there.
I took this picture from inside the balcony, too wet to open a window.
Shortly, the Intercom rangeth. The Iceland delivery had arrived. I pressed him in, and I hoped it would not be the same driver as yesterday, or he might think me a bit of an idiot having a dirty-great big order, then another on the following day. He’d be right if he did, by the way!
He carried the bag of spuds separately, only two carrier bags, and he took them into the kitchen for me. Haha! I wish the bloke yesterday had taken the eight bags into the kitchenette for me.
I thanked him and let him choose which can of plonk he fancied, and off he trotted with a cheery farewell.
I’m glad I remembered to get the drain-unblocker. Not a lot to sort out this time. I got some cheapo Beef Jerky to go with the freebies to make the minimum order. Oh, and some Cadbury mini rolls.
Sister Jane rang, or did I ring her? One or the other. Dementia Doreen again. Total blank on what we spoke of… indeed am I thinking of yesterday? Sad, innit?
I then rang Obergruppenfürheress, Warden and Ballet Dancer, Deana. Not seen her for a while. The gal was at home. She’d tested positive for SARS-CoV-2 and had been isolating. She hopes to be back on Monday. I said I was ringing to let you know you hadn’t collected your treat bag this week – now I knew why! Said they would keep until Monday. Haha! Nobody tells us owt, do they?
And an hour or so later, the door chime rang out its’ ♫Oh, Susana♫ chime, and in walked Carer Valerie. She had collected my washing for me, and she’d brought it up to me. Bless her cotton socks! She said she’s made sure they were dry 
enough for me.
So, I got off of the blogging and sorted out the clothes. By gum, that bag holds a lot of stuff. Hehe!
I got in a pickle, found the coat hangers, put some on the door, and spent a good while faffing about. Then realised I was not doing this in a planned, smooth way… Hahaha!
I meant to put all the rousers together on a rack and jumpers shirts on the other.
Which seemed like a logical thing to do.
However, Dementia Doreen had other ideas for me. I ended up with a mixture of trews and jammies on one rack and trews, jumpers and shirts on the other. Ah, well, at least I got them hung so the creases can fall out a bit.
The toploftical, unforthcoming, ascetic, eremitic, aloof, sniffy attituded Herbert had been giving me some tapping on and off for an hour or so. Now, he’s just gone into Turbo-Tapping and Banging mode! What a Git! Mind you, let’s not forget my Whoopsiedangleplop with using the shower early in the day? The difference, I think, is snot-bag superior Herbert enjoys doing it on purpose?
I made a rare mug of Thompsons Punjana tea. As the rain stopped and the sun fought its way through to shine on Inchcock Towers… well, Woodthorpe Court then. Hehehe! I grabbed the Canon camera and took this photograph of the view.
Then the hungers-pangs began, and my desire for some more cheesy baked potatoes overcame me. I got up some steam (I was starting to feel a bit weary) and started to prepare the third on the trot (4th Counting Carers Richards and Valerie’s) Cheesy Baked Potatoes meal!
Cheesy Potato Nosh – Flavour Rating 9.3/10!
Note: Only the four half spuds? No, not self-control; I made eight and kept three to cool and have later on (Cunning?). I would have had four, but I dropped one when putting it from oven to pot – it splattered onto the floor and a slipper, which both needed attention, cleaning sorting out. I may have muttered something along the lines of “Oh, bother?” Then, I feasted on the meal, put the tray on the Ottoman, passed wind and belched… and Flake-Out-Time!
Herbert started clanking and clunking away again, and I woke to his mechanical overture. Hehe! Pig!
Luckily it didn’t last too long this time. And I drifted off again. To be woken by the tune of “♫ Oh, Susana… ♫ chiming out. The evening Carer had arrived. She was in a rush, so no chinwagging was permitted on this occasion. Off she trotted, bless her.
I spotted the meal things on the Ottoman, and I took them to be washed and put away. Noticing the lack of wonderful sun-setting after three days of gorgeous one, I stood and had a perusing of the evening sky. I realised that even with 
the absence of the usually vivid colours for the last few days anyway, there was still a beauty to be beheld.
Getting daft or soft on my old age, or not?
I went onto the computer to work on the blog and visited Facebook, the TFZ and Winwood Heights sites.
Went on CorelDrawing; Herbert was doing the odd banging about, so it was not until gone midnight before I got my head down; off I went and slept a bit better, only about five shooting awakes.
ODE OF THE DAY
Wants (Peace) & Not Wants (Herbert)
Cataract operation, before it’s too late – appealing!
A friend with time for long chinwagging,
Someone who doesn’t hate or finds me appalling…
But I don’t blame them, and that’s a bit galling!
One tablet to stop my shaking and trembling…
The ability to once more try cartwheeling?
The willpower for me to stop earwigging,
A better than Warfarin pill, stop the haemorrhaging,
But most of all, I’d want, after some deep thinking…
The end of people, domineering,
And those who go around sneering,
Those who cannot care have empathy are non-obliging…
The know-alls who go around rubbishing…
Rushing, superior in outlook, verbally scathing…
Compassionless animals, one lives above me,
Above my little independent living flat, you see…
I nicknamed him Herbert, and he’s not trouble-free…
He makes noise at all hours, sometimes the whole day,
He’ll start again today, I guarantee…
He acts superior, and nonchalantly,
But, the things he’s roisterously making go to charity…
The housing officer says no cause to moan, apparently,
So I won’t, or might lose the flat, alackaday!
So untouchable Herbert will carry on noisily…
He’ll keep waking me at night, arbitrarily,
I must resist responding early morningly…
What can be done redeemingly?
Two wrongs don’t make a right, seemingly…
KEEP SAFE IN THE SNOW
Keep safe all of you, affected by the snowstorms please,
If you can, avoid driving and soirees,
Polish your ottomans and tallboys?
And for even more joys…
Try canned beans and saveloys?
Sew the missing button on your corduroys?
Have warming wine delivered by Pomeroys?
Play great music, possibly by the Beachboys?
But don’t contact the killjoys!
What do you do on a snowy day. Reduce books? We reduced our library years ago. You got rain. We all got snow and a lot of cold. 1ºF yesterday morning and 4ºF this morning. It’s simply cold enough to frost my monkey when I take a leak outdoors. Although I do keep a good distance from the frostbitten pole I pee on. That would be mighty embarrassing to get my dick stuck on a frosted pole. Speaking of getting things stuck on cold steel, I read an about an incident with a couple stuck in traffic on a snow packed roadway. The woman had to pee really bad, so her boyfriend told her to squat by the rear wheel and no one would notice. She got her bare butt too close to the hubcap and her butt stuck to the steel hubcap. Her boyfriend had to pee on her bare butt to free her from the clingy hubcap. Those cheesy taters look sooo goooood. I guess they were.
Ah, that be Bill and Lisa book reducing, Haha! I annilalated mine when I moved into the flat.
Love the frostbitten pole bit, Hehehe!
I got mine stuck in a zip many years ago – real embarrassment at the hospital A & E, as I recall, U thought there seemed to be a lot of giggling nurses calling into the cubible as I was was being painfully released!
The Hubcap nightmare!
By gum the cheesies were exactly how you imagined they’d taste, Tim – Super-Dooper! I’ve got so used to Grammarly being there, and now its gone from the comments?
TTFN’ski.
Grammarly gone? Did your browser update. You might need to update Grammarly.
It’s on everywhere else Tim. Just disappeared from the comments?
I tried to defrag earlier, it just said done in seconds? Can’t find how to get at it in Norton. Josie wasn’t too pleased with the roast potatoes I put on top of her chili, instead of in with the rest of the fodder. The Carer didn’t turn up again. Either different or new gal, who came after I’d rang them, poor thing was nearly in tears, said no one at Meridian ad told about me being on the list – I belived her, poor thing. Gve her some treats, and cheered her up best I could, she went smilingly, which did me as much good as her.
I’m a little low now. Hahaha!
No need of defragging these days. I’m surprised you get the option to do it. Norton is only antivirus. You might need to log into the Garmmarly website for it to reinact itself. Or make sure it didn’t get turned off in your browser’s preferences.
A great candid photomagraph of the library of Crowell Towers, there I be doing me worrying about snow chilled with much ice. Lisa, the calmer member of the tower, is giving me a horse shot of thorazine to help my nerves and preserve my fingernails. People flocking to our books to place under their tyres to get their horseless carriages out of the ice-coated snow. At least, that is giving them a real purpose, innit?
We were 75 miles to the south of Cincinnati when the blizzard struck, just far enough south to suffer less snowfall. We overnighted in a strange little motel that had its peculiarities. Fortunately, we were able to check into a better place for the next night. Lisa got her work at the dental headquarters to the next phase of work.
Good considerations did you give us for the state of the winter scene, at least the Royal Groundhog prognosticated on whether we suffer 6 more weeks of winter bane or a mere month and a half.
Yer cheesy potatoes are making a mark on the international cooking world, they are well on their way to becoming Nosh of the Year for 2022. I anticipate State Fairs putting them on a stick for a deep-fried treat. Yummers!
Like the descriptiom, snow, with much ice.
“thorazine to help my nerves and preserve my fingernails.” Priceless!
A midgeon of goodeth fortune with you location as the snows snowed, I’, so glad to read of.
I’d opt for six weeks naughty weather Hehehe!
Cheesy potatoes on a stick? The very thought!
Great that HRH is getting her teggies sorted in a caring place.
Motels reming me of a film… horror or sci-fi… I’ll remember the name of it soon…
Well, later on then. Cheery-byes, and all the bestest of wishes for HRH Lisa, Prof. Billum, Alan and the furries.
Lexington KY is known for its horse population, so the the Thorazine were easy to obtain. Yes, the fingernails are pristine and my body well relaxed. That ground is crafty with his language choices, most certain and accurate, if it actually happens. yer likely thinking of sanley kubrick’s The Shining.
We all and each thank yer fer the worthy wishes and wish yer the very same. Fare thee well, proper health miracles, and wishing yer well in the monumental success with deep-fried cheesy taters all over yer island realm. perhaps at Glastonbury?
Thank heavens yer nails are okay, (Phew) I was a bit worried there, Bill.
Not sure I’ve seen that film, Sir. But I may have about it ont radio or TV.
I can see me now at Glastonbury: Cheese Tatties on Sticks, Cheese Tatties on sticks! Come and get ’em! Hot and Tastu! Cheese tatties on sticks!…
My synopsis of The Shining, based by a story by Stephen King: It’s your standard movie about a family going on holiday to a haunted hotel in Colorado. The husband gets possessed by an evil spirit there. He thereupon sets out to kill his family with a long knife. I forget if there is a happy ending though. Might have been visited by Sweet Morpheus.
Glastonbury awaits your tatties, Sir!
Your well written synopsis (is that the right word?), triggers no memories Sir. Mind you, that often happens with me.
SM loves to get at you at the end of a programme or film with me too! Hehe”
Probl;em with the tatties, mate… Ocado, Morrisons, and J Sainsbury’s, have no Leicester grated cheese in stock! Arghhh!
SM only uses his wand when a great ending is approaching. He also likes to wait until you have your head or some other ache starter cocked at a nerve that will vex you upon waking.
Tatties are an essential foodstuff, nolthing else quite serves the role (including a roll). But not having Leicester grated cheese available limits your choices to a very great extent. I shall check the cheesemongers over here to see who stocks Leicester cheese. I wonder if it can be shipped from here to there?
That SM is a little monkey at times!
Ah, we can get lumps of Leicester cheese, Billum. But my loss of blood with using the grater prevents me grating. Haha!
Leicester on its own is tasteless, vur for some reason, when cooked, its delicious!
Sassy Monkey he is.
Those little lumps bring the sharp grater blades within a millimeter of your skin, resulting in a reddish shade upon your tater. A curious matter how foods change their taste upon cooking.
Hahaha! You triggered a memory there Billum… had to go for a wee-wee (fancy that), got back and can’t remember what it was I was going to say, now. Grumph!
I’ve a photo somewere on file, of my worstest shaving cut ever, the red spotted towel to my cheek. That cut once I found it, was so tiny as well. I’ll have a look see if I can it, may use it in a funnnny graphic if I find it. Hehe!
Keepeth safe all, and may SM return with more compassion.