October 2014 – Page 3

Inchcock Today: Friday 17th October 2014

Jumped wide awake again around 0420hrs.

WC.

I came down to the fridge to use the deadly Daktacort cream on my poor little tender ‘Inch’. He bled a bit again, but not as bad as last night. Surely it should start soon to bleed much less? If it carries on I might go back to the G.U.M. Clinic on Monday. Mind you, maybe not Monday I’ve got me QMC Warfarin INR level checks and GP appointment. Busy little me. I must point out to my doctor about me ribs seem to be sticking out more and I’m losing meat and weight from around me ribs? Mind you I’ve wanted to lose weight for a while, but now it seems to be dropping off despite my eating more than I have been?

Went back upstairs to find me mobile phone… well a search of all the usual places failed to find it and I was getting annoyed with myself.

I tried the old trick of doing something else to see if it worked.

I took out the rubbish to the bins in readiness for the arrival of the Waste Control Technicians.

Then carried out another search for the mobile – no luck.

Sneezing now! Huh!

Gave up the search and got dressed proper like… the mobile was found in me trouser pocket!

Down again and started the laptop (Still so slow I think the end is nigh?)

Medications and a cuppa taken, then the search for me reading glasses took place…

Found em within 39 minutes, naturally I had left them in my shopping bag???

I did some blogging done and went on Facebook. Meritt Hutton had posted a site that tells you which car you should be driving after a few questions being answered.

I tried it. Mine came up with a Ford Model T!

Did some more Facebooking and blog reading got yesterdays Diary finished and posted off the Inchcock blog.

Closed down the laptop and went up to prettify myself. Not a good session, the ‘Inch’ started bleeding again, I cut missen shaving and banged me head on the sink when I bent down to pick up the razor I’d dropped because me finger were stiffening on their own again. It’s a life innit? Tsk!

I got the things ready to take to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, made sure I’d got me glasses, hearing aids in, mobile phone with me and bus-pass, and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

About half way there, I thought the sky was looking beautiful, dark but beautiful and decided to take a photo of it and got the camera box out of me bag – me Empty camera box out of me bag! Double Tsk!

Ah well… I plodded on and handed in me donations at the Hospice shop then crossed the road to catch an Arnold bus to get some ready meals from Asda.

I got on the bus, and fell asleep, waking up to find the driver informing me “This is as far as we go mate!”

I red facedly got off the bus and wondered where the hell I was!

I walked through the estate hopefully in the right direction and came to a T-junction – left or right I had to decide – why is there never anyone around when you want to ask directions?

The road was almost at the top of the crest of a hill, and I knew Front Street was low in comparison with the surrounding area, so I went left and walked down the hill. Good job it was all downhill too!

After about half a mile or so I recognised the area I was walking into and knew if I kept straight on for a couple of miles I’d come into Arnold Front Street.

Not having been down that road for years, it brought back some memories to me to muse on as I hobbled along. I enjoyed the walk actually.

By the time I got to Asda, me feet were really stinging summat rotten, but the arthritis was amazingly not too bad at all?

I called in Asda and had a poddle round getting a Cumberland pie a Sweet potato and carrot Shepherds pie and a thick-sliced wheatmeal loaf on special offer.

I caught a bus back to Carrington – trying to make sure I didn’t fall asleep again and rang the bell to get off at Church Drive but the driver couldn’t have heard it… or I didn’t press it right? So I pressed it again and he did let me off at the next stop bless him.

I fed the birds en route and got into the dump and put the nosh away (Seeing the Daktacort cream lying there silently mocking me made me cringe a bit. Heh) and I made a cup of char.

Started the laptop to do this rubbish for the blog.

I searched the web to try and find a route map for the 57 bus so I could doctor it and made a graphic of where I had to walk due to me nodding off again.

I’m struggling with me fingers today, hard to type with accuracy.

I think tonight I’ll have curried beans and sausages with loads of bread – followed by an iced lolly or two!

I bet nihilist Cameron isn’t gonna eat any better?

It was horrible! (The food… well the food and Nepotist Cameron really Hehe)

I took me medications and tended to my ‘Inch’ – less blood tonight.

Noticed bruises all down both my shins?

Inchcock Today: Thursday 16th October 2010

0310hrs: Sprang awake, WC, and tried to get back to sleep – no chance. Tried reading my Brian Clough book.

0415hrs: Descended down to the fridge to get the Daktacort cream, returned upstairs tended a very inflamed and painful ‘Inch’ – by gum that stings yer know. Hehe!

Back down returned the torture cream to the fridge, started laptop, kettle on and tool medications.

The laptop took ages to load and then wouldn’t let me open any programmes like Word. Oh dear…

Pressed restart and it began downloading updates:

Made another cuppa and read a bit of a book while I waited.

0550hrs: Updates finally downloaded and installed!

Laptop running but oh so slowly!

Managed to get me Diary posted on Inchcock for yesterday.

Got the things ready to go to the launderette.

Went up and beautified missen and set off fer launderette.

Mandy was on duty and we managed a few natters and laughs.

The ‘Inch’ felt a bit odd, but no blood. (Yahooo!)

I got the washing done and dried and hobbled back to the dump with it.

Set out on a walk into town.

The rain stopped as I was reaching the cemetery.

Poddled on into town and walked through Vic Centre and out the other end and called into the Pound shop.

Got a microwave dish, cheapo DVD and a bag of bird seed. (By gum I know how to live!)

Took a photo from the walk-over.

Avoided a mobility scooter and then nearly walked into one parked up – Tsk!

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit.

Tiredness and weariness came over me again so I took me medications a little earlier than usual and tended to the ‘Inch’ – boy did he bleed this time! But the cold cream from the fridge applied is making me jump less now I’m getting used to it.

Head down, usual dreams/nightmares and apart from waking up a few times to use the WC, I slept for ages more than usual.

Inchcock Today: Wednesday 15th October 2010

Sprang awake around 0230hrs.

WC.

I cleaned up the many screwed up bloodied kitchen towels and packed them safe in their own black bag for disposal at the chemists later.

My ‘Inch’ was so sore painful and inflamed, but not bleeding proper, just a bit of leaking this morning up to now.

0320hrs I came down to the fridge washed and applied Daktacort cream. Only seepage of blood now but the tingling like pain was most unwelcome. It seems like I cannot concentrate on anything else.

Now the angina and a nasty cough have developed. Tsk!

It hurts at the least contact even with the underpants, I dare not remove them for fear of contact with any zips.

Talk about tender! And applying the Daktacort cream straight from the fridge makes yer jump painfully a bit in the morning I can tell yer!

I wus nearly too late to take me morning medications because I’d spent so long sorting the poor little ultra-tender and glowing ‘Inch’ out. Tsk!

Feeling tired drained and lackadaisical. Still interested just enough to like to know how and what brought about this problem with my ‘Inch’ in the first place?

I searched for me hearing-aids wot I lost again and came across an old written diary for last year, I perused it for last October and the entry was not good then.

I posted it on me status on Facebook for a bit of fun and a warning to other decrepit elderly personages:

“A year ago today, I set out on me walk to the hospital for me INR level tests – Got knocked over by a mobility scooter – lost me bus-pass – one of my hearings-aids batteries packed up – caught the wrong bus to go home – got mugged in the alleyway to my street – got home and found I’d left the cooker on and it was still smouldering from the resultant fire.

The police kindly gave me an incident number.

As I went upstairs to retireand console myself, I fell backwards into a rather unseemly pile at the bottom of the stairs, luckily I had me mobile on me to summon help in getting me up again. I broke me walking stick.

I will not be going out today!

Better safe than sorry I says.

Still sneezing a lot today.

Did some graphics and posts for Inchcock, gorrum posted. Took me ages and of course Coreldraw9 kept crashing.

Bit of Facebooking too.

Feeling hungry now, earlier than usual.

Went up to clean me poorly Inch, but forgot the Daktacort cream was downstairs in the fridge.

Had to use a fair number of kitchen towels before it stipped bleeding, but far less than last night.

Made a cuppa and got back to Facebooking – then of course the ‘Inch’ began dribbling blood again. Not as bad as I thought though, it’s the fact that I’m running out of clean clothes now. Must get meself down tothe launderette in the morning and get a good walk in.

When I washed ‘Ichy’ it was agony drying him, so tender. Applied the Daktacort cream from the fridge – not so much blood this time. Took evening medications.

Nottingham Police Commissioner Steedenski Demoted!

Shock report from unpaid WordPress reporter Juan Inchcock (68) via champion ace carrier pigeon (Gaylord 2nd) just received in the loft of Inchcock Times Daily Gazette by editor Clivey-boy. Who despite there being no proof that the story is genuine, has decided to run with it. (Straight to the Sun. Where he sold it for a quick profit and bought Juan Inchcock a packet of Microwave sausage in payment).

Juan managed to try and interview Mr Steedenski as he came out of Police headquarters immediately after losing his job and asked him:

“I understand you’ve lost your position as Nottingham’s Police Commissioner Mr Steedenski? And after only two weeks in the job too?”

Mr Steedenski kept ultra calm in the face of this tigerish reporter’s questions. He clouted him around the head and replied:

“Little do you know Da da da, da da mate! I have not been sacked at all, I just wanted a change of duties that’s all mush!” He poked Juan in his left eye and pulled him one side down an alley…

When the ambulance arrived Juan was still in a state of shock and couldn’t recall exactly how he’s got the bruised ribs, black eyes or the inserted truncheon.

Being a rather persistent type of pillock; when he was released from the Queens Medical Centre Juan continued his quest for the truth and located himself outside the ex-commissioner’s home, and awaited his arrival so he could again attempt to interview him.

Three days later the postman saw Juan’s prostrate body in the bushes, dehydrated and called for an ambulance.

As they waited a barely conscious Juan asked the Postman Churchy if he had missed Mr Steedenski’s arrival. Mr Churchy told him he had got the wrong house, Mr Steedenski lived four houses up the avenue. He also questioned the parentage of Juan.

When Juan was released from the Queens Medical Centre he again ensconced himself in the grounds of Mr Steedenski’s real house though this time, and planned his entrapment of the ex-commissioner.

The commissioners wife came out of the house and cunningly smiled as she kneed him in the groin area, rammed his left arm up his back then dragged him into the mansion and deposited him unceremoniously in one of the state rooms, where Mr Steedenski was relaxing watching some women’s beach volley ball on his 46 inch screened television.

“Here Mike” she said to her husband “I found this lurking about outside near the Rhododendrons.” With that she flicked Juan around his ear-hole passed wind and left.

Mr Steedenski laying in a luxurious chair with his feet up on pouf, glanced at Juan and said: “Alright mush, I can see yer ain’t gonna give up… I’ll tell yer the story.”

This perked Juan up, and he whipped out his pencil and pad.

“Truth is I was getting well fed up with taking all that responsibility and I asked em if I could become a Traffic Warden instead of Police Commissioner!”

Juan looked a little confused.

“But” he added “With a bit more power like. Having the gun with me will help me to sort out the scumbag idiots who park in disabled bays yer see. And the wife can show me how to use the weapon safely and accurately like.”

Juan was still confused.

Mr Steedenski reached over his glass of champagne and picked up a photo of himself when he tried out his new uniform earlier in the day.

His wife returned into the room and asked Mr Steedenski if they were going to let this misshaped hapless reporter to leave or are they going to arrange for his disappearance like.

The fact that she was carrying a Glock pistol, and then pointed it at Juan with a knowing smile on her face concerned him somewhat.

Her other half thought about this for a while, then said: Yer, go on gal, enjoy yerself.

Juan immediately went into begging and pleading mode…

To no avail!

Cameron’s Letter to Agony Aunt (Updated)

**Agony Aunt for the ‘Lesser Endowed Gentlemen’s Weekly Gazette’**

Dear Gertrude,

The constant voices in my head are forever chattering away, it’s driving me decidedly crazy.

I even questioned my own brilliance, cunning and competency last week. A rare lapse in my usual superlatively confident personality.

I prefer not to mention this to my Harley Street Doctor, as I hold a rather important position. Perhaps I am concerned because I got the job through skulduggery illegal and unethical means?

Luckily my only genuine competitor for the job, is unfit and far too lacking in spirit, ideas and gusto.

Perhaps I have lost a little edge though lack of genuine competition?

Although UKIP seem to be doing well and starting to cause me a slight cause for concern.

But my overseas investment and offshore accounts have increased exponentially due to the backhanders from my lodge member friends who I am slowly and stealthily selling off the NHS to. No problems there.

I would prefer it of you did not mention or reveal the contents of this letter.

If you can help me with my problem Gertrude, I can assure you of a liaison of a physical nature with any of the members of my cabinet, a handsome cash reward via their expense claims, and a new caravan in Chelsea.

Yours Unfaithfully:

The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

First Lord of the Treasury

Minister for the Civil Service

Leader of the Conservative Party

Member of Parliament for Witney

Descendant of King William IV

Raised in Peasemore, Berkshire by father Ian, a stockbroker, and mother Mary Fleur, a retired Justice of the Peace.

Eton College at the age of 13

First class degree in Philosophy, Politics & Economics (PPE) at Oxford

Brasenose College, Oxford, from which I graduated in 1988 with a first-class honours degree.

Git with Distinction

10 Downing Street, London SW1A 2AA

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 14th October 2014

Up at 0400hrs WC.

G.U.M. clinic appointment at the City Hospital today 1040hrs.

No blood from the ‘Inch’ at all but by gum (G.U.M.?) it was swollen sore and tender!

Made cuppa and took medications then did a bit of Internetting.

Had good scrub down and got read for me trip to City G.U.M. Hospital Clinic.

I called in the launderette on the way and told Big John and Mandie about me visit to the City Hospital preventing my doing me laundry, I’ll have to do it tomorrow if possible. Gave em a laugh yer know.

Caught bus to the clinic, walked in and saw the reception bloke and tool a seat in the ‘Mens Waiting Area’ after filling in a form that needed to know everything it seemed to me.

Started to read me book, but by the time I’d read a few pages, a young looking female doctor came and introduced herself. Then took me through to a little office for interrogation.

I gave her the letter from me Doctor and she perused it, then started with the questions about my sexuality, habits and history.

We then walked into a tiny treatment room, she told me to dropped em and sit on the bench awaiting her return. I did.

She put a light over me ‘Inch’ and got down to examine it – a smile curled onto her face for just a fleeting second, but she managed not to laugh bless her.

If it was so swollen with the infection and was its usual size I think she might have laughed though?

She was concerned about the swelling and fungal infection and asked questions about how I managed things. Without too much difficulty I answered.

She put a paper towel over me ‘Inch’ and left the room to consult with a colleague.

She returned.

They had decided to give me some Miconazole Steroid Nitrate (How much does it cost for the day-rate I thought hehehe) Hydrocortisone cream.

She departed and told me a nurse would come and give the cream and instructions to me.

I pulled up me trews and waited.

The nurse came in, very nice personality too, and told me to apply the cream morning and night after washing the ‘Inch’, and how much to use. The cream Brand name Daktacort must be kept in a fridge between applications. This was vital she said.

She said it should last for 2 weeks, but if things don’t begin to improve after a week I was to return to them.

“I bet that the sting and cold will wake me up in a morning? “I said to her: “Oh yes it will” she replied smiling.

I thanked her ad made me way to the bus-stop.

Dropped off in Carrington and nipped in and bought some ham and a tomatoe fer me tea/dinner/lunch/supper.

I got into the flea-pit without any signs of yobs.

Put the Daktacort cream in the fridge, and took some thins out of the fridge to defrost, and put a pack of seaweed in me bag ready for the morning to nibble at the launderette.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I walk cough or bend down?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.

Several times I had to use the kitchen towels and this scared me for a while. Couldn’t or dare not go to sleep for hours as I had to keep cleaning myself up and hoping it would stop, which eventually it did. But I couldn’t settle and kept checking.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I cough?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.

Inchcock Today: Monday 13th October 2014

So, the little mite has new medical problems… Well fancy that!

Inchcock Today: Monday 13^th October 2014

Up at 0415hrs tending the ‘Inch’ yet again.

I’ve got to go see Dr Vindla this morning for it to be checked along with me blood pressure. Must remember to tell her about it leaking so much again and the raw tender swelling.

Down and made a cuppa – bit worried about me not wanting to eat in a morning nowadays? Took medications.

Hurried me LOMM posts and got em posted in about three hours. I hope they are alright, what with me concentration not being too good at the moment.

Dank dark and drizzly outside this morning – a bit like inside really! Hehehe

Awaiting Asda delivery. Hope it isn’t late or I might miss me Doctors appointment. Supposed to be here twixt 0700 and 0900 hrs?

Asda arrived with five substitutions on me order. Never mind, but I’ll have to give the substitute for me deodorant spray to Dr Vindla or the nurses because it is for women and the scent is a bit sweet like.

Got myself sorted out latrine-wise, and set off to the surgery.

Heavy rain now.

Dr Vindla now concerned about me ‘Inch’ and told me to ring a number she gave for an appointment along with a letter, for the G.U.M. City Hospital Clinic. BP okay.

I’ll look up G.U.M. hang on a sec…

I’m back, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, well…

Apparently G.U.M. stands for Genito-Urinary Medicine? Mmmm? Std? Not me, no chance surely?

Got back to the flea-pit and tried ringing them a few times but was put on hold every time with canned music, and a bloke telling me he is sorry to keep me waiting – please hold. Getting expensive this lark again.

I decided to go to the City hospital and take the letter and try to get an appointment in person. What’s the chances eh?

I think I can catch a bus from the City Hospital afterwards to the QMC Hospital straight through for my Warfarin level tests?

Ah well, out into the rain again…

I walked to the bus stop, arthritis in the knees not too bad this morning, but the ‘Inch’ is stinging somewhat and the hands are a bit bothersome with sticking and not wanting to do as I request of ‘em.

Well soaked in the rain, I boarded a bus and dropped off on Hucknall Road, and walked to the nearest of the five entrances to the site. Found a location site board and entered to have a gander at it to find the G.U.M. building.

The sign told me (It didn’t speak like, it was wot I read on it you understand like) I should be at entrance number 2 – so I walked back to look at the sign number at the entrance I’d just come through yer see.

It was number two, so I turned back to read the sign in more depth and blow me down – the first building on front of me was the one I wanted… is me luck changing I thought?

I wearily entered and approached the chappie on reception. I explained it all to him and he made me an appointment for tomorrow morning at 1030hrs bless him.

I ask him where I could catch the Medi-link bus and he told me. So I caught it to the Queens Medical Centre. Got some more of me Operation Sea Lion book read en route.

Took another photo of the front of the premises to try and catch a bird that was unknown to me… but it shot off too soon.

Went in and got me INR blood level checks done.

They were not too busy, so I told them me tale and gave em a laugh and had a little natter with em… oh and gave em there nibbles.

I enjoyed that and felt a lot better in myself when I departed their company with a wave and good wishes.

Trundled along the being mended road and caught a bus back to town.

Still raining a bit.

The bus was very full and I was lucky to get a seat thank heavens.

The bus passengers sounded a sickly bunch, so many of the poor devils sneezing and coughing.

I got some good reading in on the way, and ate a pack of seaweed and a packet of savoury nibbles too. So maybe me appetite is returning?

I had a wander around town for a bit and wrote down me appointment for tomorrow and set me alarm to remind me on the mobile phone. When I was doing this a young chap next to me said: “You don’t see many of them models nowadays do you, how long have you had it – it still works does it?”

I replied: “Yes it still works for an old un just like me… just!” He laughed out loud.

I love giving folk a laugh, or even just to make them smile.

Now in amazingly good spirits considering me current situation, I stood up to walk to the bus stop to catch one to Carrington… and how the idiot on a Mobility scooter missed clobbering me I don’t know! Tsk Tsk and Tsk!

Got home (If that is the right word for it?) made a cuppa, took me medications, set about updating this, then had a look at blogs and Facebook for a bit.

Tonight it should be Minced Beef Hotpot, followed by a mini pork pie then iced lollies. If all goes to plan of course.

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today: Sat/Sun 11th/12th October 2014

Saturday 11^th October

0400hrs: WC. Checked the ‘Inch’ – very little blood, still swollen and looking inflamed. I forgot to put me Clotrimazole cream on (Twit!)

Being as our Jane and Pete had too much on for me to visit them. They do live a full life, and Jane has is doing well, so proud of her.

So I’ve decreed today as an idle stay at home day!

My concentration is not good today for some reason.

Laptop started. Made a cuppa took me medications

I spend an awfully long time doing graphics for later use, perusing the Men’s Left Handed Usage sites etc. (Only joking)

On retiring the ‘Inch’ bed and bled when I applied the cream. Huh!

Sunday 12^th October

Wot an odd night! Waking up every few minutes throughout. The porcelain had a good few visits.

Pains in the knees of a new character – when I went to apply me Phorpain gel I realised what they were… Boils!

Oh lucky me.

Bloomin’ cold again this morning.

Came down and put the heater on in the front room. Made a cuppa and took me medications. During which I thought and pondered about me dosages. On the usual medications it says clearly so many to be taken days or nights. But what about the penicillin? It says four a day – is a day 12 hours or 24? Must remember to ask Dr Vindla about this in the morning. And the fact that despite the med’s and cream, little ‘Inch’ is still bleeding away.

0545hrd, Updated this and started working on my next Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe for me Inchcock site.

Got the post finished and posted – toyed on Facebook and did some graphics to post.

A warm wet feeling had encroached on my lower regions… I’d better go and get myself ready for me walk and check out the ‘Inch’ then get beautified in case some lady speaks to me on me ramble. (Hehe… back in a bit… I hope – None did!)

Well I’ve got me ablutions finished and very little blood this time. Talking of time, it’s time I was off on me walk into town.

Set off on it and took a picture of Mansfield Road in Carrington.

Then walked along and noticed the sky looked wonderful this morning, but it was colder than it looked though.

I trundled limping along, with everyone passing me, and there seemed a lot of folk going into town for a Sunday.

Wonder what was taking place?

As I got nearer town, I noticed the window ledge of House of Fraser had come in handy for somebody last night on their piss-up night out. A contraceptive, fag packet and nub-ends Costa coffee cups and a crushed half eaten food box scattered around. In the phone box further on the same assortment was laying inside?

Clinton Street looked like there was a marathon going on in it, it was that busy.

The many banks ATM’s were busy as well.

So I took the less busy longer route into the slab square because I could see a couple of mobility scooters mixed in with the crowds on Milton Street.

In the slab square a bit of excitement I thought – seeing a police van, a police car an ambulance and a paramedics car sited on Long Row.

I took a photo or two and approached to see if I could find out what had been taking place – but could see nothing untoward and was very disappointed.

I pondered around a bit and made me way back to Parliament Street via King Street, and there was a demonstration taking place just near Brian Clough’s statue.

It looked like Brian Clough’s statue was cheering them on.

I didn’t find out what it was all about as there were some hecklers to the right of em as I took the photo.

So I decided to walk the long way around again.

That explains the police presence then.

In the square there was many temporary food take-away outlets, some giving off steam and flames as they prepared the many foreign foods for the eager Nottinghamians prepared to pay out the outrageous prices being asked.

Man skateboarders and cyclists belting about all over the place – but none of the police officers around seemed concerned at all.

If I’d got a 303 and shot a few they would be I suppose.

I hobbled up Market Street and realised how many of them ‘orrible money grabbing Pay-Day Loan companies had premises on Upper Parliament Street and took a photo of a few.

Some of the signs were approaching liable I think.

“You are not alone – we can help!”

“We buy your gold”

“Cheques Cashed”

“Can we help you – It’s so easy!”

“Loans Guaranteed”

“We buy and sell all items”

“Short Term Loans at fantastic rate!”

“Exclusive Pay-day Loans – No Credit Checks!” etc.

The gullible and poor are being preyed on here!

And I don’t think it’s right! Moan over now!

I caught the bus back to Carrington, and it was so full and I think the driver was behind because he was doing his best to have the passenger on the floor as he rushed us home.

As we stopped at the traffic lights (much to the displeasure of the driver) I noticed the old Evangelical Church had been sold and they had moved into premised that were obviously cheaper to maintain and run.

If I remember afterwards I’ll Google the new occupants’ name and see if I can find out who they are.

Got off bruised a little, and hobbled back to the hovel.

I updated this tosh, cuppa and medications taken. ‘Inch’ tended to (A bit more blood this time) and got me nosh ready.

Inchcock’s Angling Holidays No2 – Bungay, Suffolk

Part of the “A Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe” Series

En route to the Inn where we were to stay for the week, we decided, after the second electric fault with the van, to invest in a newer one between us.

Anyway, the RAC got us there… well, to a garage just up the road from the Inn.

In the morning, we fetched the repaired van (£160), and went on a reconnaissance run to suss out the better fisheries available locally to us. After a vote on which to fish that day, we visited the Broads to fish.

It was hot, the boat traffic was horrendous, and I had not had a bite for hours.

I decided to try out my new ledger-rod, and set up with a coffin lead, 16 spade-end bronze forged reversed spade-end hook, and baited with pressed bread. Casting in close to the bank, for fear of getting tangled with many boats going up and down the river.

No bites, nothing for another hour – at which point I thought I’d nip along the bank to the other lads to see how they were doing, and ask them if they wanted to move somewhere else.

Bill, catching a few skimmers said he was happy to stay.

Jock, was fast asleep, so I didn’t wake him up.

Mad Ken, was going at it like a mad-man, walloping in tons of ground-bait, and loose feed, casting every few minutes.

I asked him how he was doing and he said, “Nuffin’ yet, but I did have bite abart an hour ago, un I cun see rings ont water, summat big in there!” He did not want to move either.

I returned to my peg, just in time to see a *unt in a punt, going past so close to the bank, and he dragged in my rod and tackle as he sped off!

Well pissed off I was then!

The next day, after a night of good company, booze, darts, dominoes, and fish & chips we went to some gravel pits near Yarmouth to fish.

After several hours of nothing happening, a bailiff collected our monies, and advised me to try sweetcorn on the hook – I did, nothing happened.

Depressed and frustrated, I went to see how the other lads were doing. Bill had some big bream, Mad Ken was into the Tench, and Jock was asleep on the bank. Seeing the good fish that Ken and Bill had caught, renewed my spirits, and I hastily returned to my peg… and sat there for another three hours with nothing happening, until the lads decided they had had enough.

The next day, after a night of good company, booze, darts, dominoes, and fish & chips we decided to fish the river Waveney. That was stone’s throw from the inn we were staying at. It was shallow, fast moving, and full of snags!

I got tangled not surprisingly, and had to bend down, and put a foot in the river to free the hook – as I stood up again, me head made severe contact with a tree trunk.

The nurses at the Lowestoft Road Hospital’s Accident & Emergency unit were very kind.

The next day, in the afternoon I was released from the hospital.

The next day, after a night of good company, booze, darts, dominoes, and fish & chips, we set out to fish a river near a windmill (Can’t remember the name).

We parked up, walked over a mill, I went into a field, and settled on the bank to fish in the high winds of the day.

At last I was to catch a few fish, bream, roach, and a jack-pike, and as happy as a lark… until I turned around to mix some more bait, and there, straight in front of me, was the biggest brown bull I have ever seen. He was stood staring at me, with steam coming out of his nose, not moving at all!

I very slowly and gently packed up my gear, and crept towards the gate in the field… as I started to climb over the gate the beast sprang into life, snorted, and came for me! I threw my tackle over the gate, and followed it post haste. How the gate did not collapse when the bull ran into it I do not know.

Then I realised I’d taken the wrong gate out of the field, and now faced a marathon walk, carrying all my tackle down to a bridge, and back up the other bank to get to the van.

The next day after enjoying the booze, darts, dominoes, the lads telling the locals of me escapade with the bull, much hilarious laughter and ribaldry, then fish & chips the night before, we departed the inn, to travel home.

Another lively but disappointing holiday. (Tsk!)

New Computer Game Developed with Nottingham Scenario

Multi-National company CDA (Clivey-Boy Amalgamated), are to produce a Nottingham scenario for their new CDA Zim-Sity Simulation Game, due for release later this year.

Gaz Topps, Sim-Sity’s senior developer quoted:

“We realised that Nottingham has the fastest growing unemployed level in the country, and saw an opening to increase sales to those with the time to play the game. I feel sure the new more accurate representations of life in Nottingham will find the people of this City responsive to the new scenario which will be available soon.”

He explained further; We will be incorporating more Pay-day Loan outlets, Community buildings, Probation Offices, Charity Shops, Banks, Bankrupt retail outlets, Pawnbrokers, boarded up shops, Car parking meters, Law Firms, Job-Centres, Busker zones, and Drug Treatment Centres along with a reduction in Police Stations, Libraries, Council Housing, and Schools, to reflect a more accurate depiction of the City.

The police scenario module will include muggings, knifings, drug crime, and people being knocked over by Mobility Scooters and skateboarders to give it a more realistic to life in Nottingham angle.

We will also be creating a dedicated City-Centre zone, with public transport-buses taxis trams and cyclist driving on the pavements, emergency vehicles, Pay-day Loan outlets, Mobility scooters, Skateboarders, empty retail units, Parking Wardens, and Shoplifting scenarios.

We have done a deal with Grzegorz Malobodu Smythe-Robinson Chair of the local Big Issue organisation to allow us to use their logo in the game so everyone in Nottingham can recognise this and become more involved in the game.

It’s taken a while to develop this game and we have had to make further changes as time has passed. We’ve now removed the Police Station that was burnt down in the riots, as well as those closed down.

For realities sake we’ve also reduced the number of Police officers available to despatch to incidents by the player by 300.

We’ve now added a ‘Current Status map’ so players can view their scenario at a click of a button. Like ‘Current Shop lifters in action’ – ‘Big Issue sellers selling’ – ‘Elderly people currently at risk from Skateboarders’ – ‘Elderly people currently at risk from Mobility Scooters’ – ‘Muggings currently taking place’ – ‘Pickpockets currently in action’ – ‘Pay-day Loans currently being transacted’ and ‘Knifings/Firearm incidents currently taking place’. This will help the player to follow and control the normal life in Nottingham.

We feel sure that the young computer literate people of Nottingham will want to play this game.

We’ve done a deal with several local Pay-Day Loan companies for them to arrange loans for anyone wishing to buy the game when it goes into distribution.

It will eventually be produced for all computers, Xbox, ipods etc. And should be available at under £300.

Steedenski Pay-Day Loans of Sewer Lane in Nottingham are offering to reduce their interest from 6,876.40% to 6,200.99% for purchases of the new game.

We are currently accepting suggestions for the name of the game and we are offering a prize for the supplier of the chosen name.

Saturday 11th October

Sunday 12th October

Saturday 11^th October

Sunday 12^th October