It’s been a Funny Old Life.. Part 3 Updated
I started with nothing, I’ve got most of it left.
At shoplifting Mother was rather deft,
Eventually they charged her with fraud and theft,
At this I wanted to cheer and wave a wheft,
But she got off with it, and I was bereft!
I left school, started working at just fourteen,
Mother reappeared on our then contented scene,
‘Cause for several years she’d hardly been seen,
This meant I’d be broke before I was fifteen,
After most of our valuables were never again seen,
Mother disappeared to stay with Auntie Eugene,
Who later also went bankrupt we did gleen,
It not that she was nasty, cruel or mean,
She’d just leave you without a flipping bean!
But she’s sadly missed by many you see,
By magistrates, solicitors and many P and DC,
There’s often times when comes back in me memory,
In me nightmares usually.
Dad knew for Mam’s next return I had no yearning,
And she would return when I started earning,
And when she did, things would be worsening,
Bank manager and wallet regretted her returning,
The neighbours got new locks, tongues were burning,
How to lock their doors they were relearning!
She told us she was a changed person nowadays,
She’d become kinder and changed her ways,
Having just avoided the judge sending her to Strangeways,
After with the police the pillock did liaise,
The magistrates let her off with probation – this did amaze,
And that meant the restart of Dads and my malaise,
She soon started selling t’neighbours none-existent holiday chalets,
We were really worried when she offered Dad praise,
She soon ended up back in her old ways.
Conning, shoplifting, bingo halls, fag-end collecting, even conned a solicitor,
She became locally famous for that one hereafter,
The magistrates this time, got even dafter,
Let her off again – in the courtroom there was much laughter!
They gave her a flat, and furnished it, believe that can you?
The rent they paid half of it for her, and the gas bills too,
Half of the electricity bills, and scrubbed her debts it’s true!
Arranged for her flat to be decorated and furnished all through,
As she left the Court, she smiled widely and off she flew,
I imagined her inwardly shouting “Yabbadabbadoo”!
And Crime Don’t Pay some idiot will tell you!
I suppose I’ll meet her again in heaven maybe I think so a bit,
I’d better prepare for when I go and snuff-it,
I’ll spend all me dosh now, before she can get her hands on it!
Bless Her – See yer in a bit Mam!