As part of the Inchcock Parties ‘No Secrets Ruling’, as discussed and passed in the Leg of Mutton Arms snug last Wednesday night – we hereby present the portfolios, views and complete range of investments held by each of the Parties Top Shadow Ministers.
We approached each prospective member and asked them to supply details of their investments and holdings openly – so that voters in the 2015 May elections can understand the worthiness and honesty of each of our prospective MPs.
Shadow Prime Minister: Clivey-boy Danton
Apart from being a part shareholder in a casino or two, West Ham bookies, owning a few second hand car showrooms, Watchit Solicitors, an interest in Gregowskis & Farage Romanian Wine and Tobacco Importers, Documentational Reproductions Inc, an investment in me brothers Walthamstow Dog Track, West Ham Sports Supplies, Lighter Watches and Mobile phone supplies and shares in various breweries I have little in the way of financial investments. I lead a quiet life and attend the Chapel when I am not doing charity work for the Kray brothers inspired Danny Soz Young Ladies Appreciation Society yer know. The wife Jilly supports me on most of my political activities. Convincing her that a few jars down the Abbey Arms to encourage the locals to vote for me is part of those duties is hard – but she does welcome me back home after a hard nights campaigning and helps clear me head stomach and mind in readiness for the next days challenges. There’s no doubt about it, I am a Red Tory with affiliations to the I Hate Blair movement and National Socialism in it’s milder form. So there you have it in a nutshell – that reminds me I’ll have get me creams rubbed in – see you later… “Jill…. Jill…”
Shadow Minster of Transport: Mike Steedenski
Before I became a complete and utter alcoholic and had to turn to politics as a career, I used to be a Police Officer. Fair enough, some of the jobs I had to do didn’t turn out right I admit this – especially me traffic controlling skills. So I moved on to become a part-time PA and Brewery Bottled Ales tester. I lost that Ale Testers job when they found me sober twice in six months. So when I was blackmailing Inchcock threatening to reveal all about his unnatural desires for Shemales and his drinking addiction to Dandylion & Burdock in an effort to get some cash together, we came up with the idea of starting a new political party see? So here we are like. As for investments, back-handers and profit from hustling… I’ll ask the missusShirl (Councillor Shirley Blamey, Shadow Minister of Education) to type out a list fer you later when she gets back from her sponsored fact finding trip to the Bahamas to compare their figures with those of the UK on the European Spadefoot Toad mating habits within the confines of urban areas between 0500hr and 1000hrs on weekdays when it isn’t raining. She should be back in six months or so. Mind you I’d hate anyone to think that the donation I received to my campaign funds from Inchcock himself was in any way bribery or backhanding – and I’d like to thank him now for the 25p.
Shadow HM Treasurer: Marissa Bergen
I think I could be of benefit to the UK as Treasury minister – and at the same time give the Europe lot a poke in the eye by having an American minister in the Government? Being a Politician, Banker, Rock-n-Roll Supermom, Musician and very good with numbers as well, I believe an Inchcock Government would be good for the country. My investments are mostly in the banking world – I moved out of the oil share thing when I learnt of all the fracking going on – there might be a song in there somewhere… “Whole lot of Frackin’ goin’ on!”? No? Ah well. My total investments are probably less than $18m. The return of the Punk era music would help the economy no end.
Shadow Minster of Justice: Big Gaz
The police force will be reduced to tackling traffic, junior school riots, dangerous mobility scooter drivers and pavement cyclists member. My own squad would take over the rest of their duties. Sentences would be given that mean what the say. VAT on knuckle dusters, Lugers and Champagne Perry will be removed. The death penalty will be returned and anyone being nasty to dogs will get it! My investments? Well antique stuff will also get the VAT removed and my Government department will check every item to see if it genuine – this may cause a bit of a backlog in trading, but we are prepared to purchase any viable company who are struggling. I have no investment personally youth… believe me mush!
Home Office Shadow Minster: Churchy
All suspicious moneys, diamonds, jewellery, bank drafts, drugs, investments, films and books of a sexual nature etc will be examined by my department before being allowed into or out of the country. member. Any female immigrants aged 18 to 24 will also be given a medical and permission for them to remain in the country will be decided on the outcome of their medical at my office in Whitehall. As for my investments, I’m broke, flat broke, gone into financial liquidation, not a penny to spare, had to take a job on as part-time postman… Hehehe!
Culture Media & Sports shadow Minister: Shirley Blamey
Interviewed in the Bahamas by Big Gaz
I intend to get hands on when I get this positions. It is essential that all male athletes competing in sports have a thorough working over… well check that their various bodily parts are in full working order before being allowed to compete – and shall be out in the field to ensure this is so. The older male competitors will be allowed to compete without checks being carried out. There will be random checks by myself six days a week, of selected personages such as those in this photograph as an example. Once I’m satisfied of there capabilities and the fitness of their foibles they can play away. Now then, my investments you ask about my financial investments? Huh!
Mental Health Minister: Inchcock (interviewed via email)
The fisicul and metal elth of our citisens is paramount to me. An I noe abart these fings mate.
Cause the drugs like make yer lose it like dont they.
I’d like to thank the Nottingham Election team for sending me my Election Card – plus the extra advice on recent crime in the local area.
This they said was to enable those electors who cannot afford to pay for an escort, armoured taxi, body guards or even Group4 security to accompany them to the polling station – to find the least dangerous route to the St John’s Church to cast their votes.
Yer… what about it like mate? We know what we’re doing! Now push off… turd!
Taxes and the economy:
Spokesperson: Marissa Bergen:
I will remove the VAT on guitars and drums, this is essential for musicians and budding musicians and of great concern to me that the high costs may well stunt the musical aspirations of the delinquents in the UK, thus forcing them to take-up unworthwhile careers in banking, the global economy or study history at Nottingham University rather than try to win but failing to of the European Song Contest for the country.
The NHS:
Spokesperson: Inchcock
“We will ensure that all peoples of 69 years of age and over, with a replacement heart, and suffering from angina, arthritis, sticking reflux valve, deafness, haemorrhoids, duodenal ulcer, baldness, deafness, bad eyesight, dizzy spells, hernia and loss of short term memory will be treated 24/24 by jaguaresque nubile nurse day and night nurses and receive free beer tokens, a daily lavender massage and will get free membership of the ‘Support for Ex-Gas Lamp Wick Trimmers Association’. The finances for these new services will be raised by the NHS refusing to treat teetotallers, pavement cyclists, Olly Murs fans and Demented Liberal Democrat supporters.
Security Defence & Foreign Affairs:
Spokesperson: Mike Steeden
We will save this Nation an absolute fortune with our innovative ideas for the transformation on the UK’s land forces. And, the Boy Scouts, Boys Brigade and Liverpool ball-boys we replace the soldiers with can rest assured that they will not be on a Zero hour contract! We will legalise weed and Outer Peruvian Gin for them as well.
Jobs:
Spokesperson: Rachel Carrera
It is essential that we have no person unemployed whatsoever when we apply our manifesto for Jobs. There will be a new chain of education centres built throughout the land to be known as the Carrera Colleges and anyone not in employment will be forced to attend one of the many various courses in job-related study that ill be made available. The cost of these training coursed will b paid by the government – anyone not getting a job after successfully completing their course will repay the costs themselves. Anyone failing their course will be detained at Her Majesties pleasure awaiting deportation when we can find someone to take them.
Education:
Spokesperson: Alienora
New disciplines will be introduced to help the students into work so they can buy books to read themselves. Erotic tales, Rampant Bedroom Antics and Naughty Nights In will be the first courses.
Housing:
Spokesperson: Shirley Blamey
Builders, repairmen, electricians, plumbers etc will be bound in honour to provide an acceptable service to house holders in the future. Nissan huts will be provided locally for any poor sod moving house. Failure on the half of the said service providers will lead them open for punishment including a fine, their wrist slapped an having their testicles removed with barbed-wire covered pliers and then stripped naked and nailed to the floor for victims of their shoddy work to pee over them and pour bleach and petrol all over their prostrate bodies before being set alight.
Law and Order:
Spokesperson: Gaz Hoadley
The new LOMM police force will replace the current Police Service. This body of officers will require constant contributions of money, sex and encouragement. Their body armour machine guns, pistols and and state of the art lazer weapons will be paid for by the imprisoned ex-MP’s and their families.
All current and new brands of alcoholic beverages on the market must be tested my members of the League of Mental Men before going on the market. Testing of each brand will be done over a period of six weeks in support of a fair deliberation being made by each member.
Mess of a night again sleep-wise, my current habit of nodding off any-time anywhere isn’t helping I suppose.
I eventually awoke around 0630 hrs and did my best to remember the dreams I’d had – but nothing at all of any detail came to me – although I remember telling myself more than once ‘I must remember and record this…’ but no notes found?
WC’d.
Not sure, but I have a feeling something needed doing today?
I stirred and went and made a cuppa and a pot of porridge and got the now working laptop on to start this diary. Bit of a cock-up on the porridge stakes though, I thought I’d got a pot of plain porridge and out some honey in it – it turned out it was a pot already flavoured with golden syrup – er-ugh… far too sweet to eat. Tut!
Tried to do the header in Coreldraw9 and it let me do so without freezing for once.
Eventually go missen scrubbed up and while doing me teggies I remembered the clinic visit!
So hobbled a bit faster so as to get missen ready and be there on time.
Walked to the clinic intending to catch the bus back to town to have me photographicalisical trip around the Cash-shops all within 5 minutes walk of each other on Upper Parliament Street in Nottingham.
After the clinic (All fine) I realised I had not got me bus-pass with me – Huh!
Set off on walk today
Walked back to the hovel and collected it – came out again and amazingly I felt good enough to walk into town then – worrying that!
As I approached the Hucknall Road lights I heard the sound of klaxons and got my camera out to await the arrival of the emergency vehicles, it turned out to be two ambulances, the traffic was light.
Some Nottingham pavement Art interested me near the college…
What it was confused me – it might have been food judging by the bits of something scattered around the main body of the artwork, I think I saw something moving from the bowels of the… whatever it was?
As I hobbled on, ever alert for any photographicalisational opportunity th might arise – I spotted sparks coming from the CCTC at the traffic lights on Mansfield Road as I came into the City proper.
I realised later that I’d taken a shot of the old school building clock in the background -it’s now a Community Centre for drop-outs etc.
House of Fraser had a display of some mannequin legs in jeans and shoes sat on a bench – they did not have any torso and I suppose were a way of saving costs?
Very odd looking to me – how many customers are they expecting who are headless and bodiless? Still, it shows they care about the minorities dunnit? Hehehe!
I wandered up and onto Parliament Street, down to Long Row to take a few photographs of the Spiv-Money shops and into the City Centre – where I found a Market with 20 or so stalls selling a variety of overpriced impractical rather upper class goods.
There was little interest being shown.
My first Nottingham pavement Cyclist of the day spotted.
I wandered back up to Upper Parliament Street and took photo’s of the selection of the immoral pay-day loan, pawnbroker, cash lenders, money-sharks whatever you wish to call them situated on that road.
The second Nottingham pavement Cyclist spotted, the git didn’t half the lady jump as the ignorant animal sped passed her.
I made me way down to the walk-over and took a snap – again showing the Nottingham pedestrian citizenry’s total and flagrant lack of interest in road safety.
I walked through the Victoria shopping centre mall again taking a photograph from above of the Boost juice bar – I have yet to catch anyone actually using it and buying anything from it?
Down to Tesco for me bread, ice-cream lollies and cheapo min-swiss rolls
By golly I live well!
Came out from Vic centre near where they were demolishing the old Radio Nottingham car park, much to the entertainment of the workers watching.
Hobbled over to Trinity Walk, with surprising ease today, despite my having walked for so long and far, Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna were both being kind to me.
I spotted some… er… ornaments in the jewellers shop window and took a snap of them
They were really expensive, I just wondered what they were?
I caught the bus back to the flea-pit, just starting to feel a bit weary now.
Got in and put me bits away – made a cuppa and had three microwave burgers in bread thins with a bit of BBQ sauce, two lollies and a banana – the Queen doesn’t eat better than wot I do yer know.
Had the nosh and fell asleep.
Woke a couple of hours later and got this done.
Phoned brother-in-law Pete to see how Sister Jane and he were doing. He’s got the flu now, but Jane is a tad better.
Took me medications, passed wind and WC’d.
Did some facebooking and posted this off to WordPress.
Slept better last night – didn’t get up until 0700hrs, latest I’ve risen in a long time.
WC’d – no bleeding!
Went down and fed the pigeons – this attracted six cats to the location within two minutes.
Had a session of haemorrhoid treating. Not too bad. The angina very fair. The ulcer, don’t know it’s there. Arthur Itis… just got to live with him I’m afraid. The bruising from me Whoopsiedangleplop down the stair almost gone.
A new month and it seems to have started hopefully… I shouldn’t have said that!
Made a cuppa and started making me medication pots up.
Started the old laptop up to do this diary and Facebook requested me password – which I couldn’t remember or find, I know I wrote it down somewhere… Huh!
WC’d.
Made another cuppa and went up to the newer second-hand laptop and continued, that let me on like.
Did the graphics Coreldraw not crashing yet.
Huh! now it has! Cobblers! Restarted and went through the opening and warnings coming thick and fast from the new second-hand laptop now. Tsk!
Did some Facebooking.
It’s gerrin’ flipping windy this morning. Howling and blowing me inside doors open – brrr…
Got missen brushed and scrubbed and had a little wander around to take some photos and get some biscuits from Lidl.
As I left the house I noticed a family were moving in the big end house – and they had seven kids bikes outside ready and five 15-17 years olds lurking – oh dear?
I wandered down to the shops – the wind was horrendous but the sky looked bright enough.
At the twitchel a gang of nerr-do-well yobs were sat around so I took the long route to Lidl.
There was very little traffic or folk around, and as I walked down the sky began to change from ultra bright to shady?
A pavement cyclist caught me out as he belted passed my me from behind – to fast for me to get my camera out.
At Lidl the atmosphere was taught – don’t know why but it was.
Got some apples, mint biscuits and a bar of chocolate.
Still a tad concerned about the family moving in on my street – I do not want any more bother from the yobs again – it nearly destroyed me and me life last time.
I’ll try to get to meet and welcome them tomorrow, see what they are like socially or anti-socially. Hope I’m worrying over nothing.
As I left the shop I noticed the Hotel across the road had renamed their restaurant ‘Gurkha One’.
Got back to the flea-pit and WC’d.
Had some ribs with bread to wipe up the sauce followed by a mint biscuit or two.
Brother-in-law Pete rang. Jane has got to have more tests on her back and legs to try and find out what the cause of the pains are.
Did some Facebooking and updated this diary.
Must remember I do not have an INR test tomorrow – it’s on Thursday this week. Might try to have a run out to Derby or Mansfield?
Oh dear – the promised rain is now really belting down.
Feel tired again, so tired.
I anticipate tomorrow will be another day of over-excitement and lust-satisfaction and record breaking and mind-shattering boredom like today… Tsk!
Bad night for the cramps and innards again, don’t know when I eventually nodded off, but I didn’t wake until gone seven this morning.
The ankles are bad this morning, cracking away like a bag of crisps and painful with it, yet the knees are no worse than usual? The piles were not bleeding so that’s good. Even Anne Gyna is having a rest, that’s very good. The ulcer… I think has also taken time-out, good again!
Made a cuppa and took me medications later than I should have but it can’t be helped.
Got the laptop on, opened coreldraw9 okay and worked on the header for this post but then it wouldn’t let me open the internet?
I tried through icons, menu and bar but no go – depression took a hold.
I restarted the laptop and it allowed me in this time? – but Coreldraw9 froze once more and I had to restart all over again – Gnunf!
Getting a bit fed-up with losing me graphicalisations wot I’m working on. Very frustrating and wasting so much time.
I could get depressed yer know!
Decided I’m not risking going out on a walk today – innards might not be any worse but they’re still bothersome. The porcelain has already been well used this morning… Tsk!
Tried again to do some graphicalisationing on Coreldraw9.
Spent many many hours doing Scooter graphics for the TFZ site.
That’s some of the finished graphicalisationalistic thingies wot I dun you see scattered around this page.
The gurgling and rumbling continued throughout the day – needing much attention at frequent periods.
I’m so glad I didn’t risk going on a walk today now – but am concerned about tomorrow and hope I can get out to the Queens Medical Centre haematology for me third INR level check in a week.
Had a pastie and franks followed by a tiny weeny cake… well two tiny weeny cakes then.
But not feeling hungry enough for a meal yet.
I was hoping things would have settled a bit by now so I can get out in the morning without worrying, but the INR level has never been so consistently low as this past week, so I have to attend.
And I want to get to the dentist about me blackening front teggies that they were supposed to have repaired on me last visit… huh!
The wind is now a lot worse from me top end, I reckon that’s got to be a good sign, no idea why, but I think things are moving towards a cease-fire with me innards?
Not feeling too tired, mind you I ain’t nit been knowhere have I.
When I was posting these graphics to me galleries on Facebook I got a message that me internet connection had gone down despite the icon informing me it was up and running (There’s an unfortunate phrase bearing in mind my current state – Hehe).
Dreamt of working in a security gatehouse with other officers and trying to get out to do a patrol but everything stopped me – forgetting keys and codes – getting lost on the gigantic spread out site – being RT’d back to the gatehouse – sinking in the mud… ended up trying to climb a fair wheel, no idea why but fell or got lost on it every-time… weird but I think I’ve had this dream or one similar before?
Got up latish 0630hrs – made a cuppa took medications and put water heater on – started this diary up to here.
Noted we had a red sky this morning through the drizzling rain. Red sky in the morning – Shepherds warning as me Dad used to say. That reminds me, I’ve got a shepherds pie in the freezer.
Titivated myself then got the laundry things ready.
Made up the nibbles bag for the launderette girls and BJ.
Set off to the launderette, chatted up Griselda (Another failure there) and set about doing me washing.
Taking out me bag with the book, lavender scented soap-bubbles, softener and drier balls I became aware of an extra strong scent of lavender present – the bubbles had burst and soaked me book into unreadability! I was on the last chapter too… Curse!
Then BJ noticed that none of the six machines belting away had any water in them and called Grizelda, who at first seemed puzzled then realised she had not turned the water on – so several customers were not happy.
The driers took £3 this week – we think the owner had cut down the time or temperature on them.
Just a bit of fun added to this photo
BJ and I had a natter and when we were a lot worse off financially and the washing was done BJ put all the bags in his car and we set off for Asda.
Some incident had occurred near the school and we were sent away on another route by the nice policemen who seemed to really appreciate having their photograph taken…
We arrived at Asda and parked-up at one of the almost full Disabled Parking Only Bays – BJ checking the cars out to see if any able bodied louts had parked there.
I should mention that BJ is a registered Disabled Blue Card Badge holder.
We split up to do the shopping and I made for the gardening section and got some pots of weed-killer first thing. Why do I always think of George Osborne when buy weed-killer recently?
Then I spent a fortune… microwaveable beef ribs orange juice, mousses, yogurts, bleach, mini Swiss rolls, burgers and frankfurters to mention a few.
I went through the self-serve checkout and had to ask for help a few times. Thus attracted the well known expression from the girl that said “Why do these old twits come in here?”
We were soon back at the dump and BJ handed me the bags from the car and shot off, me thanking him profusely for his help.
WC’d.
Put the clean laundry and nosh away… all bar the microwaveable BBQ ribs. I ate them with a cuppa and some bread.
A letter arrived, it was the results from the INR Warfarin level tests – far too low so I’ve got to go back again on Thursday for another test.
Still emitting wind coughing and sneezing a bit today. Although it’s hardly worth mentioning the passings of wind I’ve had them for so long now I almost expect them and am learning to accept the olid, noxious aroma that they distribute. I can’t try charcoal tablets because they may absorb the other medications I’m on?
On the bright side (What’s that?) no blood from the rear-end although sore, Anne Gyna has been very fair to me today, Arthur Itis as normal, ulcer no bother and the cut lip is healing well.
I realised then I’d not taken me bits to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop in Sherwood. Tomorrow if Iceland is not too late I’ll take them I hope.
