Inchcock’s Dairy: Tuesday 28th October

Now here’s a word you don’t hear often: Having a sad or solemn countenance. No charge!

Tuesday 28th October 2014

Dream filled night of which I can recall very little.

Sprang wide awake at 0300hrs. Checked the stinging little ‘Inch’, no blood at all, but inflamed again and tender.

Got myself downstairs, washed pots made a cuppa and started the laptop. Took medications.

An idea came from somewhere for a rhyme about how badly depressed I felt this morning, I decided to see if i could manage to make it applicable then try and get it written down to put on my Inchcock website.

Oh dear, I feel a wet warmth again, hang on I’ll nip up and check…

Yes, it’s bleeding again! (The little Inch)

Had good wash and sanitisation session.

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop in the bag, updated this and set off on my walk… must remember to catch a bus to town afterwards so I can pick up me book from the library.

Might go and feed the ducks if I have time as well.

Added some bird seed in me bag, and set off on me walk into Sherwood to the Nottingham Hospice shop.

On my way I espied that the Computer shop was open and I called in to see about buying a boosted laptop. But he was on his own serving a customer and another one waiting. So I decided to leave until another day.

Left me stuff with the Hospice shop and caught a bus into town.

I wobbled through the city centre with its aggressive crowds.

 Then I called in Sainsbury’s to get some bread for the ducks. Oh and a ready meal that looked nice. (that was not for the birds but me – just thought I ‘d mention that like)

I took a photo of the west side of the canal from the bridge. Two swans apparently investigating if the man and woman sat on the bench were going to feed them. They were well out of luck.

Then over the road and down the path to where the dunks were loitering yesterday, taking a photo of a docked barge on the way.

The frenetic water fowls came en masse, fighting each other for the food. Like yesterday the pigeons joined in and got some bird seed from me for their troubles.

A lady with her daughter in a pram seemed amazed at the sight.

I looked up at the bridge, and I’d got an audience of sight seers (Is that how you spell it?) too! Some taking photos of me?

As I walked back up the path I took a picture of the lady and her daughter walking away from the barge.

Then a CPO approached me with a grim expression on his face… oh dear…

It seems that feeding the birds there is now illegal and I risk an on the spot £60 fine?

I explained that I had not seen any notices. He explained that they had been vandalised and removed: And that is why he was not giving me an on the spot fine?

He seemed a little understanding though and I cringed and offered my humble apologies as I scurried off. No wonder people were taking my picture, they’d not seen anyone do it for years.

Better find somewhere else in future.

Might have to start going to Derby to feed their ducks in future perhaps?

The knees and feet were bad now as I walked through town to the main library to collect the book I’d ordered that Sandra Lentz had recommended me to read.

I was a tad amazed that I remembered to be honest.

I got in and walked the crippling stairs up to floor three ‘Biography’s’ to collect it.

The chap said they keep ordered books on the Ground Floor for collection. I must have bad because he pointed out where the lift was for me to go back down.

There was a mirror in the lift (Elevator for our American readers) and I took a photo of my smiling but weary self.

I collected the book, paid me 50p charge and walked up to Parliament Street to catch the bus back to Carrington.

As I got off the bus I felt a wetness in my lower regions and had a quick feel to see if the bleeding has started again – only to realise that I’d left me flies wide open! Oh dear, is that why the folks on the bridge were taking photo’s of me? (Oh dearie me… will they appear on Faccebook later? Oh dearie me. Don’t know what I ‘m worrying about really. They’d have to have a really good zoom lens for anything to show up?)

Back to the flea-pit WC. Then updated this tosh.

Took me medications then microwaved me nosh.

Inchcock’s Ode to Depression

I am aware of my failings and depressions some of the time,

I thought I’d try to write them down into some sort of rhyme,

Guilt at not being able to sort out depression is ever present,

The fight to live with it is most certainly unpleasant.

 

The house is in a worse state than that of Steptoe and Son,

Dirt, untidy a mess naturally people will want to shun,

Damaged roof, cooker blew up rubbish I cannot remove,

The nagging guilt, that I just cannot manage to improve.

 

When I do find the spirit to try and clean it up a bit,

The arthritis angina or dizzy spells will prevent it,

Soon it feelings come into my ever rattling mind seems to split,

Later the guilt is magnified self loathing, I feel I’ll throw a fit,

But withdraw into myself, waiting for hope manifest or flit.

 

Confused all the time, my mind talking to me, castigating,

Telling me how pathetic I’ve become: For some hope I’m waiting,

To get relief from my late in life torment called depression,

But still I like to help others if I can, that’s some concession.

 

It seemed different when I was working and had a vocation,

Then the ailments mounted and slowly grew the frustration,

I’ve stopped even thinking about going on a vacation,

I’d love to be free of the fears the guilt and vexation.

Something inside surrenders, and I cower, hide ignore things,

My mind torments me with screeching violin strings,

Rasping out to me my faults and pathetic multiple failings,

It never stops reminding and nagging at me about these things.

 

Yobs appear outside my house, I run to the bathroom to hide,

Fears have arrived late in life, one time I would never have cried,

People in authority and shop-keepers now con me with ease,

I struggle at times with angina and Arthritic hands and knees,

The haemorrhoids, the ticker ulcer bladder, but I’m okay with these,

They are a fact, but depression is an unwanted mystery to me.

 

I try to get out on a walk 4-5 time a week,

Dodgy that with me always wanting a leak,

Feed the ducks in Nottingham, any company I can find,

For a while then, this depression I don’t give a mind.

 

Is there a mental aspect linked with this thing?

Some days I feel like I could actually sing!

I so love  to Facebook and do my blogging,

Reading what others create and are coping.

 

On this web I’m a different person and bold,

But times I fight depression that takes a hold,

Losing of course, I wondered as I grow old,

Can I buy a brain remould?

Inchcock Today: Monday 27th October 2014

 

Monday 27th October 2014

I woke at around 0230hrs, read a bit of me book and managed to nod off again while doing so. Unusual that!

Sprang awake again at 0315hrs and remembered it is my day for posting to the League of Mental Men site.

So I had to gerrup smartish to get em done and posted because I really must get to the Queens Medical hospital for me tests early as I can to avoid the crush and rush of last Monday when I went latish.

Laptop seemed to working okay this morning, slow but working and after a bit of kerfuffle Coreldraw let me in. So I did my weekly diary first cause that is the longest.

Got carried away with it and realised I was late go out early for the bus to town as it was drizzling.

I ran (Ran, did I say ran? Slight exaggeration there methinks) up to do me prettifying and tend to the bleeding ‘Inch’.

Made sure I’d got the stuff for the Hospice shop, bus-pass camera etc.

Limped rapidly, (that’s more the wording!) to the bus stop. Felt such a fool when I tried to get on and use me bus-pass Tsk! The driver pointed out that I was too early to use it!

Confused a mite I got off the bus somewhat red-faced.

I then realised I had in fact yesterday not put me wall clock that fell off the wall back an hour! Hey-ho.

Limped rapidly as I could into town and caught a bus to the Queens Medical Centre where I noticed they had hoisted a new English and NHS flag at the entrance to the premises from the Derby Road entrance. and a bloke must have been suicidal as he looked at more than the traffic?

I wonder just what the inimitable rapacious predatory David Cameron would have to say about that folks.

I hobbled into the waiting area, well full it were, took a ticket and waited me turn like a good little boy should.

When I got in there was a trainee nurse who asked if she could do me. Well, the answers that came to mind had to stopped from coming out in me voice like if yer know worra mean. I said “Yes please” but she was so nervous she didn’t catch me innuendo.

She decided to take the scenic route into me vein bless her.

I left the nurses their nibbles said me farewells and went off to catch a bus back to town – not as easy as it sounds as it turned out.

When the first one arrived, i picked me bags up and the handle on one parted company with the rest of the bag. By the time I’d sorted it out the bus was long gone.

The next one which I didn’t want pulled up, and the one that came behind that one, which I did want drove straight passed it.

The third one pulled up a little far down the road, and I only just limped to it in time!

It dropped us off at Broad Marsh Centre, where I had hopped to get a couple of ready meals, but Heron had nowt in I fancied, but I foolishly bought some iced suckers, that by the time I got home was liquid. (Wotta clot I am).

Then I meandered on me limping way through the Centre and espied a DVD shop lurking in the mall. (Fatal for me bank account that!).

I had a look and found the new New Tricks DVD was in so decided to treat missen again – when I reached into me back pocket for the £20 note, which is what the DVD cost to pay em – I realised I’d left that £2o note in the bathroom when I changed trousers. Good job I’d got me cash card with me… or was it?

I was about to take a photo of some pigeons in the slab square and a female community officer came into view and she was staggering about a bit – drunk, drugged or in trouble I thought – better go and ask her if she’s alright… but another CPO arrived before I could get to her. So I left em to it like.

Plodded on a bit more towards the bus stop in the City centre and failed to resist going in the pound Shop to get a few extra bits for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop to add to the bits in me bag.

As I got to the top of Kings Street the traffic was at a standstill, with a Private Hire car parked right across the pedestrian crossing. I didn’t say, the driver had a beard a scowling expression on his face and looked like a big un to me.

Being a natural born coward I walked on and caught the bus to Sherwood.

Dropped off and left me stuff for em.

As I was walking back to Carrington (painfully) I spotted the alcoholic mobility scooter driver belting over road at the traffic light.

By the time I’d got me camera out they had long gone on their journey to  the pub, bless em.

Jealous? Me?

Poddled back to the crumbling shack, urgent visit to the WC. Laptop started, cuppa made, medications taken, ‘Inch’ tended to and updated this non-fascinating load of… oh someone at the door.

No hearing aids in, I think they were Jehovah Witnesses. I see plenty of them lately all around town in groups waving their pamphlets.

Ah well, I’ll post this then have a quick flurry on the web, facebook check me emails and get summat to eat.

Oh I forgot, Sister Jane got in touch, she’s got to have some x-rays, I emailed her and said if it was not on Monday or Tuesday I can go with her like, keep her pecker up a bit. She’s not keen on hospitals bless her cotton socks.

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today: Sunday 26th October 2014

Sunday 26th October

How is Inchcock Today

Glowing (Well his little ‘Inch’ is!)

I forgot to say in yesterdays dairy: I phoned Jane my sister to remind her to change the clocks. I’m such a caring person you know… really I’d forgot it they go back or forward!

She said don’t forget to change your TV, DVD, Cooker, and central heating. Being as I have none of these things in me dilapidated house it didn’t really apply to me. Hehe!

0245hrs: I sprang awake again, aware of a horrendous stinging from the little ‘Inch!

I investigated to find no bleeding apart from a miniscule drop – but flipping ‘eck it shone light torch, talk about tender! I must try to get to the G.U.M.clinic again if things don’t improve soon.

Monday is my INR level tests at the QMC, the GP appointment and my day to post for the LOMM site. Oh, and me Morrisons delivery.

Tuesday is laundry, library and Nottingham Hospice day. Busy int I? Not really.

Laid there trying to get back to sleep but gave up and came down at 0430hrs. Laptop started cuppa and medications imbibed.

Damned cold again this morning, put a scarf and hat on. Brrr!

Finished yesterdays diary and got it posted – Coreldraw still not right at all, had to reboot and restart a few times.

Thought I might get out today and get some photos taken, might go down and along the canal to get some?

Did some Facebooking, cause I like to keep up with the wonderful folk on TFZ (Troll Free Zone). So disappointed I can’t do any graphics proper for them until I sort out Coreldraw… if I ever do?

I’m not surprised the cakes were about 2.5 inches in circumference and 2 inches deep, and the cheapest was£2 each!

Still bloomin’ cold, I’ll have to dress up warm when I go out to do me photograhising later.

Managed to get one new graphic done for a gal on TFZ. Not me best, but under the circumstance with Coreldraw it won’t too bad.

I received a call from a cyber-pal Lynton. It was very nice to talk to him, and not too bad for hearing him either on the mobile. Must have cost him a fortune, but very much appreciated.

Went up and beautified missen. Inch not bleeding at the moment, knees and hands okay, angina a bit bothersome, haemorrhoids not bad at all. Looking good up to now.

Set off on me walk into town. Took me about 35 minutes.

A good few folk in town for a Sunday.

I dropped in the Pound shop and got some bird seed. Then walked through town calling in Tesco for some cheapo bread for the ducks.

Then down to the Nottingham canal.

I found the part I wanted to photograph was occupied by six drunken youths enjoying themselves being offensive. So I moved on like.

When I found a spot well away from them I fedded the water birds and pigeons at the same spot. Buy gum I was popular.

I hobbled (aching feet by now) down to the lock and took a photo of a barge going through it.

Then I walked back and through Broad Marsh centre coming out near another pound shop in town. And being as I got carried away feeding the pigeons I purchased another bag of seed.

As I went through the centre I noticed the Johnnie Cupcake concession stand did not have a customer go near it. I’m not in the least bit surprised at those prices! £3 for a tiny cup cake!

Then up King Street wit the intention of catching a bus back to Carrington. The queues were rather large and a long waiting time because it were Sunday like yer see?

So I foolishly walked back home… the knees started and oh me flippin’ feet.

I’m glad I did though because as I walked passed the Park Inn there was a London Routemaster bus parked outside. You don’t see many of them around here.

I was reminded of when Central TV used the Park Inn, it was called something else then, to use it in making an episode in series two of Auf Wiedersehen Pet. No idea why it brought it to mind, but I might dig out their DVDs and have decker later… if I can find them… oh dear, surely I didn’t take them to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop?

I probably did.

Got in the flea-pit, WC, kettle on downloaded the photo’s and updated this diary.

Hospital tomorrow… well it pleases the nurses to see me yer know – alright I was fibbing!

Inchcock Today: Saturday 25th October 2014

How is Inchcock Today?

Sadly depressed at his not being able to use Coreldraw9 properly and that this morning his little ‘Inch’ has started bleeding again.

I sprang awake about 0100hrs, WC’d and remembered part of a dream I’d had.

I was desperately chasing some people (No idea who) and just could not catch them. This seemed to go on for ages, I’m not sure but think the people kept changing into other people when I got close to them so had to chase a different one? Next minute I was being crushed to death by a Russian T34 tank – then a nurse was trying to pull me out of a coffin shouting that I’d took the wrong tablets, Morrison’s had sold out of seaweed and not to forget I was being executed by Idi Amin on Sunday?

 0400hrs: WC.

Down to the fridge and got the Daktakort cream out of the fridge, back up and washed the ‘Inch’ and applied the cream – it is bleeding again this morning. Tsk!

Started the laptop (that I’d left on all night) made a cuppa and took my morning medications.

WC during which I discovered my haemorrhoids were bleeding too! Huh!

Feeling well down today.

Decided not to go out today, just stay in and potter on the web and mope about.

WC.

The ‘Inch’ is still dribbling bits of blood? Oh dear!

Put some extra Daktacort Cream from the fridge on him.

But an hour later I could feel the warm wet sensation and was bleeding was much as it ever was last week – Oh dear, summat else to worry about – I’m fed-up!

Coreldraw being corrupted (Not as bad as the UK politicians yet), sometimes it will open sometimes not, it always tells me to close it and restart which I have to do then it decided if it will start on its own accord. Sometimes it lets me work-on, but it never allows me to save any page or do anything complicated like Vignette Shadow or cropping. It freezes at will, often needing an forcing close-down – then the laptop takes an hour at least to go through the palaver to restart. Tsk!

WC.

I’m having to use stuff I did earlier graphicalisation-wise. Still, it will often let me import photo’s from my camera and images from the web… but am I bothered? – Yes!

Had a massive nosh before I got me head down. Lamb casserole and cocktail sausages followed by ice-cream lolly and cheesey curls. Surprised I wasn’t sick.

Published as a Warning to others

Yer can tell I’m a tad depressed.

WC.

Then the ‘Inch’ bled a bit, but far less than earlier.

Arthritis, piles, ulcer and Angina have not been too bad today.

Tonight I dropped me nights tablet pot and could not find the Warfarin tablets anywhere? Came down to get another pot and found I’d left the laptop on again? Is it doing it on its own? It was a hell of a job to get it to close down.

Records wot Inchcock has set

Record 1: Birth

Inchcock was probably the first just under 3lb baby to have his mother tell the mid-wife to “Throw it in the Trent!”

Record 2: Absconding

He ran away from home at six years of age – gone for six hours, got scared and returned to a good belting. Not for running away that was encouraged, but for getting caught and the police bringing him back and waking up all the neighbours.

Not that the belting upset him, it was the fact that no one had missed him that hurt.

Record 3: Being forgotten by his Mother

He’s been told of, and some he can remember. The wash-house, the Bingo stalls, the Cinema, the Chip shop, and the relatives houses are just some of the places she left him to return later to collect him, or usuallt someone would take him back home.

The one he remembers with clarity was a day trip to Mablethorpe and she left him in an arcade and caught the train home. Give her credit though, she did remember when the train got into Lincoln and she informed the police. Who sent a PC to collect him and scare him to death giving him a lift in a black maria to Lincoln to be rejoined with his mother who wanted to know immediately if he’s won anything on the machines.

Record 4: Boxing

Young Inchcock believes he still holds the record for any boxer at the Meadows Old Boys Club – he lost every bout and never got beyond the second round.

Record 5: Football

He definitely holds the record as their goalkeeper, albeit as stand in when they played Corpus Christie School in a cup match. He still insists that the third of the thirteen goals they scored was not his fault.

Record 6: Go-Karting

He was the first person to tip over a Go-Kart at the new amenity in Skegness.

Record 7: Falling asleep

Perhaps one of his best records and least challenged by others was his trip to Mansfield for a job interview by bus.

He fell asleep and woke up at Chesterfield, where he had to pay the extra fare of course.

He got soaked in the rain waiting for a bus back to Mansfield.

He then fell asleep on that one and got off at Sutton in Ashfield.

Again he got soaked waiting for a bus to Mansfield.

When he arrived at the interview they told him he’s got the wrong day it should have been the day before!

Record 8: Shot

He was the only Security Guard in 1988 to get shot by an intruder.

Record 9: Hernia repair

When he went into hospital to have his hernia tended to, they found he had bladder cancer, haemorrhoids and a prostate growth.

He still wonders how they found the haemorrhoids problem?

Record 10: In and out of hospital

When he went in to have his new mechanical ticker valve done, they told him he’s be in for three to four nights.

After two nights they told him the bed was needed for an emergency and sent him home. He had to ring his sister and brother in law to give him a lift. Agony!

 

There are probably many more records that he holds, but he only got as far as this when he had to run to the WC and fell up the stairs.

The paramedic is with him now.

A Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe: Part 33

Stanley Matthews, or Jonah?

Where I was working at the time

It was on a very heavy muddy wet playing field come pitch, come quagmire on Melbourne Road Park in Nottingham that I made my first (and only) appearance in the Nottingham Thursday Football League, for the Nottingham Co-op Society Butchery Team.

It was not a planned appearance – although I had paid my 3/6d (17½p) annual subscriptions to the Nottingham Co-op Butchers Thursday League Team (in those days most food shops used to close half-day on a Thursday) I never really expected to get chosen for the team, and used to go around with my kit in a carrier bag, just in case of emergencies or injuries to any of the other lads. I used to come in handy for making the half time brew, bucket and sponge stand-in, first aider, and general toss-pot/spare prick.

That was until a Thursday, in 1961, after about two years of following them, in the hope of ever getting a game like a lamb. (By then I’d given up even taking my kit with me).

When to my astonishment, I was asked to play in a cup match against ‘Wigfall’s First Eleven’. (Wigfall’s Rentals was the forerunner to Curry’s for those who cannot remember) The reason for this request was partly that the horrible weather had deterred many of the regular lads from turning up, and my exceptional footballing skills coming to their attention. (Okay I lied about my exceptional footballing skills coming to their attention!)

I recall going around scrounging bits of tackle from all the lads – and what a sight I must have looked!

The shin pads must have been made for Godzilla, the black shorts dangled below my knees, it took me five minutes to roll up the sleeves of the black & white striped shirt to my fingertips, and the best they could do to get me a pair of size 8 boots, was a size 10 pair – and they were split down the side, the studs came through to the soles of my feet, they hadn’t been worn for so long, the leather didn’t bend anywhere! We found some old rope to use as boot laces.

And there I was, feeling proud and chuffed, but looking stupid, ready for my surprise début in Nottingham’s Thursday League!

Was the world ready for this I thought!

Into the fray!

Obviously not the actual bucket. But it did look just like this one here

The bad luck started as I ran out of the locker-room (I say locker room! it was the groundsman’s old tool shed really) I tripped over the step, causing the nails in the studs to dig into me foot – but that pain soon disappeared when I landed face down (I still had to carry the bucket of water and sponge to the touch line you see, they insisted) banging me head on the rusty bucket, then as I was just getting over the embarrassment of my and the opposition’s team’s inane laughter at me, I became aware through the onset of pain in me left leg, that a mongrel dog was chewing on it!

Apart from the fact that these boots are softer, cleaner, have laces in and are a different colour, they are like the ones wot I wore!

Back to the changing room (tool shed) to clean myself up a bit, stop the bleeding, and put some cardboard between my feet and the rigid leather stud-nails intruding crippling oversized boots!

Being the little warrior that I was, I soon returned to commence my chance to impress on the field!

This plan somewhat fell down a few minutes after the referee allowed me onto the quagmire of a field – I was to play at left back, and seconds after taking to the field, trudging through the mud, I managed to lose a boot!

This picture reminds me of the day.

This did not stop my tackling this 16 stone, shire horse-like hurricane of a Wigfall’s forward who was belting towards goal, with the football looking like a marble at his feet, (God knows how he actually managed to run in that quagmire) from facing one of my best ever crunching tackles.

Not that I remember much about it, until the St Johns ambulance man bought me back to consciousness, and bandaged me broken ankle, and stopped me split eye from bleeding, in readiness to take me the hospital.

Apparently, they tell me, the wondrous Wigfall’s giant centre-forward had just put out his hands out knocking me over into the mud, trampled over me and scored a goal!

The ref didn’t even acknowledge any foul, blew and pointed to the centre circle to restart the match. (He probably thought better of upsetting the man-mountain forward… wise ref that!)

I was never asked to play for them again – the team lost four – nil.

But I was allowed back to carry on (When I got out of hospital) as bucket and sponge man.

I think their writing Jonah on the petrol tank of me motorbike was naughty.

Inchcock Today: Friday 24th October 2014

A lousy night, I kept waking up for the WC and worrying about me lack of graphicalisting prospects and me dying laptop.

Laid there thinking for hours – maybe I thought, I could go to thei could call computer shop in Sherwood, they advertised used laptops for sale. I could call when i go to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop perhaps, and see if they have a laptop for sale with Vista on it, and I could get the memory increased and RAM too – then I might be able to install my old Coreldraw9 on it? I decided to try for it. The prospect cheered me up for a bit… not for long… but for a bit.

0445hrs: I came down started the laptop and prayed, made a cuppa and got me medications taken.

Christmas lights up in Sherwood – notice the massive crowds out this morning?

Two people contacted me this morning on the Windows live thingamajig.Trev Baverstock me old mate who lives on the South coast with his rather attractive better half first. He suggested I go to PC world and get the details of laptops available with sufficient power to handle coreldraw – of course I can’t get a copy of the new Coreldraw anywhere? I said I’d would. And he offered to ask his brother if he would go with me to PC world so i don’t get conned again.

Can’t really afford either, but if I do go in that direction I think I might as well get the bigger memory one… of course I’ve changed me mind several times while typing this. Tsk!

Then a cyber-buddy from la France contacted me and asked for my phone number, he is going to ring me in the morning. I thought that was really nice of him.

Gloomy Nottingham this morning

I potted about trying to get Coreldraw to save a page, but without any luck. When I ry to save one it either freezes or turns itself off. Hard work.

I gave up and ablated missen and got the things ready fer the Hospice shop and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

As I passed the Computer shop on the other side of the road I noticed it had its shutter down – maybe it opens later me thought. I carried on to the Hospice shop, then crossed the road and walked back down to the Computer shop – still not open.

Ah well, I caught a bus into town.

Taking another photo of the old BBC building they were knocking down.

Called in PC World and a half hearted youth pointed me in the direction on laptops strong enough. There were two: An Isus Intel Core i5 processor – 4GB ram at £500 and a Toshiba 8GB ram a6 £600 with the same processor. I’ll pass this on to Trevor later.

Came out a bit dejected again and wandered into town, not many folk about yet. noticed they had started to put the Christmas lights up.

It was drizzling with rain and I took a picture of the Council House in the gloom for your perusal.

I remembered about the Alley Cafe and I said I’d try to get some photos of it – so I did.

The tiny entrance to the Alleyway, half-way up the Alleyway and the Cafe – it was Closed! (Huh!)

Then I had a brain-wave (Careful!) and called at three of the er… where they give you a loan and sell yer stuff when can’t buy it back like… I’ve forgotten what they call them. Ah, one was called a Cash Converter. The first one opposite the Alleyway was asking £299 for their used Laptops, and they were not good spec either.

So I poddled to Exchange walk to the shop there, they were even dearer!

I walked to one on Upper Parliament Street and the same there, expensive crap me thought – so another idea I’d had gone to pot.

No luck at the Computer shop then…

Ah thought I again, I’ll get the bus to Sherwood and try the Computer shop again. So I caught the bus to Sherwood and the Computer shop was still shuttered up?

Dejected once again I walked back to Carrington, just missing the rain as I got in the flea-pit.

WC.

Started the laptop, managed to get some graphics done before Coreldraw packed up on me again.

Updated this load of bol… by the way, did I mention that there was no blood from the ‘Inch’ again today? I’m desperately searching for some positives this week.

Looks like a spider dunnit? Ah well…

Blimey what’s that noise… hang on folks…

It is a police helicopter right above the street, I’ll take a photo of it if I can…

Hello, police cars now…

Ah well, it’ll keep the yobs away.

Inchcock’s Medical for the British Railway Job, and its findings

Part of the Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe Series

I’d applied for a job as a British Railways Goods Van Guard, and somehow got through the initial interview, possibly with my Dad’s guidance as he worked for them as a good delivery driver and had done for donkey’s years starting as a horse and dray goods delivery driver. He later moving to the articulated goods delivery Lorries.

But I always wanted to be a Goods Train Guard and nothing else really.

So excited I was sent to Derby Train Station to have my medical carried out there.

I arrived at the Station, locked my push-bike to a lamppost, found the Medical office easily enough, entered, showed them my appointment letter, and sat waiting to be called in to see the Doctor for my examination.

As I waited nervously, but with no fear that I would fail the examination at all, I glanced around seeing the notice on the wall telling us which Doctors were on duty that day…. they were Dr William Stroker, and Doctor Robin Banks.

I amused myself with thinking, that means I might get a Willie Stroker, or a bank robber doing my tests!

I hoped for the crook as a preference.

When the examination was about half way through the two hours they said it would take, I was placed in a darkened little room, with a stool, and a desk with a monitor and two push buttons on it. I was told that they would close the curtain, and each time a double beep emitted, I was to press the left button, and when a red light appeared on the screen, I was to press the right button!

It seemed simple enough to me.

He closed the curtains, and I sat in the darkness waiting for the red light to show up, or the double beep to sound… and waited… and waited… I jumped as the curtain swished open, and a perplexed looking doctor said; “Shall we try that again?”

I’d had no idea up until then that I needed spectacles, was colour blind, and required two hearing aids, or that I had a hernia!

I failed the medical for the job, and got a puncture on the way home.

I was shattered.

I often wonder how life might have been different if I’d got that job…

Inchcock’s Depressive Poorly Rhyming Outpourings

Here are a few thoughts the idiot has had this morning

When I was told Mother greeted my arrival with “Throw it in the Trent”,

That 3lb bundle of blood covered flesh had started life in torment,

That was the start of my enthusiasm and hopes rapid descent,

She’d keep running away and that cheered me up just a tad,

But I had to do the shopping cleaning and running after our Dad,

 

I didn’t mind because he was a firm but very fair man,

When Mother returned was when the stealing and hassle began.

I was bullied at school and Dad told me I had to fight back,

I lost so many teeth I didn’t have to worry about dental plaque.

 

To those at school education it was a mythical creature,

By those at school, I mean each and every teacher,

At about 6 I got thrown in the canal, always been afraid of water,

I’m sure when eventually rescued I was three inches shorter.

 

Left school at 14 as thick or thicker than a plank,

Met Big Ruth who was built like a pretty tank,

She taught me things that she called a prank,

After that I walked with a bit of a swank.

 

Mother got arrested and Dad moved house, I went into a lodging house,

There was a bloke lived there name of Peter Klaus,

Who introduced me to the local Home Ales House,

Where I would learn to give my liver a regular dowse.

 

Years of alcohol abuse followed, but many a happy time was had,

Eventually I realised that this was expensive and for my liver bad,

Of course I was still a seeking adventure young lad,

So I applied to join the Army and off to Aldershot, was I raving mad?

They threw me out for medically it was me liver, and that was sad.

 

When working in Security, I became their only officer to get shot.

No sick pay with them, I nearly ended up in a squat!

Made redundant years later, working for an employment agency,

They kept underpaying me wages, for the hours that I’d worked,

I left because I was angry annoyed and irked.

 

Haemarroids grew from me bottom end more than a bit,

The ticker-valve packed up, took em months to find it,

Arthritis in the hands and knees and then cancer I could spit,

Duodenal ulcer, hernia, two hearing aids, and high BP hit,

Then came a judicial writ.

 

They replaced me aorta valve with a mechanical one,

Then me reflux valve was sticking, the son of a gun,

My penis became enflamed and apparently rotting it would seem.

But they got it under control with the use of Dakacort cream.

 

No one visits me at home nowadays at all, don’t blame them though,

If you saw my hovel, it’s somewhere you wouldn’t want to go,

Depression is possibly the worst of my ailments you know,

Then the definite worst I suffered a day ago…

My laptop is dying and Coreldraw corrupted,

That is unquestionably the worst you know…

Exit mobile version
%%footer%%