Tag: Satire

Inchcock Today: Frid/Sat 7-8th November 2014

How is Inchcock Today? – Nervous, worried and confused!

Friday 7th November 2014

I woke up regular as clockwork every 30 minutes or so all throughout the night.

I felt more tired when I eventually got up at 0330hrs than I was when I went to bed. Tsk!

Noticed message on phone from Brother in law Pete asking what time I would be at their place today. It rally is so sad that I’d forgotten I was going?

Texted back asking if 1200hrs is okay. I kept mobile in me pocket so I might not miss any reply.

Took bags out to the bins and moved them into the pathway ready for collection.

No frost this morning, just dank and drizzly.

Cuppa tea, medications and on laptop at 0400hrs.

Took some photo’s when I got there, and we had a natter of sorts.

Caught bus back to town then another to Carrington.

Not feeling too well at the moment.

Saturday 8th November 2014

Oh dear me – came down and found I’d left me freezer door wide open all night – Huh!

Five black bags of fodder now in the dustbin. So I’ll have to go out and get some replacements later.

Amazing, Coreldraw is letting me open without going through the recent clicking of warnings it indicated. Still not letting me close it properly but still.

I got tons of graphics done while I could.

Cyber-friend Lynton messaged me, I really appreciate this, but sometimes I am embarrassed and ashamed with how I exist. And find communicating any other way than the internet hard.

The internet Google Chrome kept closing on its own accord. Maybe this is the end. I’ll find out when I get back from shopping.

I decided to get out and buy some fodder from the freezer shops. Might go to Bulwell where there is three to pick from for the best value.

Caught the bus on Hucknall Road

The rain was heavy throughout the journey.

Got to Bulwell and called in Iceland. They only had the tasteless lollies in so got one box. Along with some microwave baking potatoes.

Then to Fultons. Got some flavoured potatoe halves.

Then to Heron got some different potatoe halves there.

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Then I updated this then tried to work on Chrome to post it. It loaded very very slowly.

Then opened the Inchcock wordpress site, again very slow loading.

It let me post this anyway. (Slowly)

So I tried to do another one and see if it stayed hospitable.

Not bad, slow but working anyway. Bit like me really. Hehe!

 

♫ How do you Solve a Problem like Marissa! ♫

Well, yer see I met this gal called Marissa at the local Locarno Dance hall like.

I can tell yer, me heart went thumpety thump soon as saw her like.

1954 it wer, March I think.

Well, me being an imitation Teddy-Boy, I thought she’s not going to be able to resist me yer see.

So I approached her, asked for her name and asked her if she wanted to dance innit.

Bit of a jive like.

I thought she liked me because she kept laughing at me.

I did alright fer about two minutes when me wig started to slip – Tsk!

She walked off in a huff saying something but I didn’t catch what she said because I’d took me hearing-aids out first like.

So I followed her to her table where she was drinking Root Beer and Guinness with her mate Shirley.

I asked her if everything was alright like, she replied:

“Oh yes. I like it when a short-sighted midget comes up to me and his hair falls off his head as he passes wind has BO and can’t see without his glasses!”

“Is that all?” I said. I can get some new glue fer me toupee, take some medicine fer me wind have a bath and get contact lenses gal… problems solved midduck!”

I couldn’t understand why the expression of bewilderment came over her face as;

She stood up and belted me with very passable right hook, kicked me in the goolies, tutted and walked off?

Women eh?

Inchcock Today: Thursday 6th Novembers 2014

Thursday 6th Novembers 2014

I woke at 0110hrs but managed to get back to kip again!

0240hrs WC. Inchy bleeding a mite. Haemorrhoids no bleeding.

Managed to nod off again – amazing.

0420hrs Up and downstairs.

Started the laptop which went through a process of checking a drive for stability it said. Oh dear, it took ages.

While this was going on I took out some bags to the bin and found someone had been dumping their rubbish in me bin again! Tsk!

All the parked cars had a thick layer of frost over them. By gum it was cold.

Made a cuppa and took me medications.

The laptop loaded (Eventually) and Chrome was working.

I was working on the laptop with a thick jumper, wooly-hat and dressing gown on! Brrr! -1ºC = 30.20ºF I think?

I could hear the sounds of emergency vehicle sirens in the locality come through clearly.

There I was with Danny Soz on facebook putting the world to rights, and the warm wet sensation returned to me lower regions.

Went up and cleaned the little ‘Inch’ and decided as to took a while to stop it again, to go to the clinic and asked for some more Betamethasone corticosteroid cream and check if I can use it twice a day instead of once a day in future.

I remembered that I had to do me pots of medications (colour coded yer know… I not daft… well…) I made em up, only making one mistake, I put me evening Simvastins in the midday pots so had to take em out and replace em in the right pots. Tsk!

Made sure I’d got some bandages just in case little ‘Inch’ kicked off again and kitchen towels handy like.

Got missen ready and caught bus to City hospital clinic – too cold fer long walks today.

After getting there I was seen in about 15 minutes so no complaints there. They gave me some more cream but saud to only use it once a day. Of course the little ‘Inch’ decided to stop bleeding when they examined him. Tsk!

I went and caught a bus into town, and took some photographs I thought might be of interest.

Not so cold now, so I decided to take a walk down the canal and take some photo’s, then I changed me mind.

Poddled to Broad Marsh Shopping Centre and the 99p shop.

Got some bits then to the pound shop and got some microwavable sausage cobs for tonight and some bird seed (For the birds like, not me).

Ambled into the City Centre taking some more piccies on the way.

Called in a public convenience (20p entrance fee) and checked on the little ‘Inch’; no more blood.

I sneaked some bird seed to the pigeons, hope I wasn’t caught on camera?

Caught the bus back into Sherwood and dropped off the bits for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop.

Then called in the Computer shop to see how he was going in preparing the laptop for me and the man said call back Monday – I told him Monday was me hospital day and asked if he would be open Tuesday, he said yes, so I’ll call in Tuesday then.

Walked back to Carrington, and noticed the old chap outside of his backstreet garage and saw the 1947 Hillman Snipe 18hp and asked him if I could take a photo of it for my cyber friends and he agreed.

Got back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Laptop started.

Made a cuppa and put me things away (well I say put them away…) then to the WC.

Updated this tosh and went on Facebook and blog reading for a bit.

I can’t get rid of this thought that I’ve forgotten something – really annoying that is… erm… perhaps I’ve… no… erm…

Ah well.

The Night Nurse Remedy – Part of the ‘Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe’ series

I was living in a ground floor flat at the time on Bingham Road in Sherwood Nottingham.

When I got a bout of flu suddenly hit me.

I’d been out for a few pints at the local at lunchtime, but felt suddenly weary and tired, and after the one pint, I made my way back to the flat to get my head down.

I had heard of the new ‘Night Nurse Medicine’ and how good it was, so I ventured to the chemist bought some, and took a swig.

I remember lying on the settee, unable to get up again, and kept falling asleep, and waking, each time I woke I felt dizzy and noticed the light coming through the window from the street light outside was getting less as the night moved on.

I woke up in the bedroom, not knowing how I had got there, and still feeling bad. I eventually got myself up, and walked through to the kitchen at the back, and saw the back door open.

Nothing seemed out of order. As I walked into the garden, I heard the side gate open, and a policeman and woman approached me.

It seems the woman had complained about me singing as I was dancing and then rolling on the grass naked in the garden at 3 o’clock in the morning!

I could remember nothing of this, and tried to explain to them about the ‘Night nurse’ apparently affected me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to the magistrates about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my employers about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my lady-friend Grizelda about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my landlady about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

So, I recommend that if you are taking Night Nurse Medications, do not drink alcohol!

Don’t do as I did – you read the label it warns you not to drink alcohol! (In fact I’d give the Night Nurse a miss altogether now I think about it again and stick with the alcohol I think… I wish I had)

Special warnings and precautions for use

Medical advice must be sought before taking this product in people with:

• Hepatic or renal impairment. Underlying liver disease increases the risk of paracetamol-related liver damage.

• Chronic or persistant cough, such as occurs with asthma and emphysema, or where cough is accompanied by excessive secretions.

• Narrow-angle glaucoma

• Cardiovascular problems

• Prostatic hypertrophy

• Urinary retention

• Epilepsy

Use with caution in the elderly, who are more likely to experience anticholinergic adverse effects including confusion and paradoxical excitation. Avoid use in elderly patients with confusion.

Children are more likely to experience paradoxical excitation with sedating antihistamine.

Medical advice should be sought if symptoms persist, or are accompanied by high fever, skin rash or persistent headache.

Patients with rare glucose-galactose malabsorption should not take this medicine.

The hazard of overdose is greater in those with non-cirrhotic alcoholic liver disease.

Do not exceed the stated dose.

Patients should be advised not to take other paracetamol-containing products or decongestant-containing medicines concurrently.

If symptoms persist consult your doctor.

Keep out of the reach and sight of children.

Avoid alcoholic drink. I missed this bit… Tsk!

Did Night Nurse make Red Arrows pilot die? RAF ace accidentally ejected himself on tarmac after taking flu medication

Daily Mail Wednesday, Nov 5th 2014

  • Flight Lieutenant Sean Cunningham, 35, died after accident in Hawk T1
  • Ejector seat parachute did not deploy at RAF Scampton in Lincolnshire
  • Test show Cunningham used Night Nurse the evening before incident
  • Medication ‘can cause some sedation and impair performance in pilots’

It has amazed me ever since the incident, why the youths of today buy expensive drugs, when all they need to do is to drink a pint of bitter and take just one gulp of Night Nurse?

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 4th October 2014

 

Tuesday 4th October 2014

0305hrs: Feeling so very cold when I came down this morning to get the cream from the fridge to treat ‘Little Inch’ – then I remembered as soon as I couldn’t find the Dakacort cream that I didn’t need the cream from the fridge to treat ‘Little Inch’. I had the new Betamethasone corticosteroid cream to treat ‘Little Inch’ I was supposed to be using now and that was back upstairs where I was nice and warm in the bathroom.

I had to nip back to use the WC which I did, while doing so I couldn’t remember if I’d left the tap on downstairs, so nipped back down and forgot all about treating ‘Little Inch’.

Laptop started, made a cuppa.

WC.

Did a bit of blogging etc

WC. Piles bleeding.

Stubbed me toe again – I must get some steel toe-capped slippers.

Washed the ‘Little Inch’ and just as I started to put the new cream on, out spurted the blood again. Took a while for it to stop. I’m getting fed-up wi this now, six blooming weeks and it ain’t any better yet. Globergerations!

When I did me teeth the gums bled a bit as well.

Bertha, my hearts desire at the launderette

Yet when I got me INR level test results back later in the day, it was the nearest to the targeted factor ever? (Puzzled that’s wot I am – still there were no arousals in me sleep so he wasn’t so tender this morning bless him)

Got meself ready and tottered off to the launderette with me bags of washing.

Did my escaping wind cause this?

Bertha was working today… I don’t know if that is her name but it’s the one I’ve given her.

A Polish gal and just my cup of tea body wise – yet still no arousals from me lower regions?

When it came time to leave, the place was empty; mind you I did drop a few involuntary deadly silent ones while doing me washing earlier.

I poddled back to the flea-pit and got the things for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop and limped into Sherwood with em for them.

Then I caught a bus to town.

Atmospheric Milton Street – by Inchcock

Despite the occasion bright bursts of sunshine it’s blooming cold today, forecast 2o c tonight.

As I dropped off I thought how atmospheric the view down Milton Street looked and took a photo of it on the old camera (Having forgotten to take the newer one with me like), just hope it comes out nice.

These cost a tad too much for me!

I caught a bus out to Bulwell to see if anything worth investing in at the cheapo shop.

On the way the bus stopped at a bus-stop and waited, I noticed we were opposite the bungalows I went to look at last year. After talking to someone it transpired that if I moved into one, all-in it would cost me about £120 more a week than my income. So I didn’t move into one.

Nothing in the cheapo shop, many bare shelves.

I walked to the Fultons Food shop in the vain hope of getting some microwave sausages again. Huh!

Poddled through the market to the Heron Frozen Food shop and got some microwaveable potatoe-halves with cheese to try.

Hobbled (Knees and feet beginning to ache a bit now) to the bus stop to catch one back to Carrington.

Obstacle course on Hucknall Road

As I dropped off at the top of the hill to walk down to my street – it was like a slalom run with plastic fences all the way down on the pavements. I had a bit of bother manoeuvring through them without twisting me knees as the surface there is very uneven from previous repairs.

How anyone in a disabled scooter would manage… well they wouldn’t get through. The only way passed would be to go on the road.

When I got onto my street, there were a couple of dodgy looking characters walking up and down looking a doors and windows. I wanted to take a photo of them, but the hostile glare I got from them convinced me not to take any.

WC.

Bit more blood from the Inch. But the piles had stopped leaking. I mustn’t expect too much must I?

Coreldraw throwing up new problems.

Updated this then went on the web for a bit. 

WC.

Litttle ‘Inch’ bleeding just a tad.

Inchcock Today: Monday 3rd October 2014

Monday 3rd October 2014

I was up at 0145hrs wide awake, mind you I did get me head down early.

Down to the fridge for the Inchy cream – now this morning it didn’t bleed much at all? But I’m still going to visit the G.U.M. clinic to see if I can or indeed need any more of the Daktacort cream, especially after it bled so much yesterday. (The ‘Inch’ not the cream like)

Got my LOMM posts all done, and was pleased with some of the graphics.

Did some Facebooking before getting ready for the long walk to the Clinic.

I set off and got as far as the end of the road and realised I’d not got me mobile phone with me, so returned and collected it… after a little search proved fruitful. Tsk!

Set off again on the trudge to the G.U.M. clinic.

Only had to wait about 20 minutes, and a young strapping lass came and called my name out. She took me into a little office and I explained everything to her about me bleeding tender little ‘Inch’.

We went into the examination room and she had a look with the magnifying tool and showed concern saying she would fetch a doctor to have a look at it. Despite all I’d explained to her about the bleeding, this surprised her.

A female doctor returned with her and had a good decker and grope at the ‘Inch’. Painfully at times.

She declared that she was going to consult with someone else and left, covering up the ‘Inch’ with a paper towel.

She returned and had  prod about again, the declared she was going to prescribe some cream with steroid in it. To be applied thinly once a day. I was to use it for 3 weeks then return for a check up. If things had not improved I’d be referred to a doctor for consideration for further investigation and even the snip.

When they left the room this time as I waited for the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream to arrive – I definitely heard much laughter from the other side of the door! Never mind eh.

The cream arrived and I left and caught the free bus to the QMC for me INR level tests to be done. I got a bit of reading done en route. (Blood Red Snow).

When I arrived at the QMC I went up to floor D and the Anticoagulation therapy Department to explain why I wanted it doing today on the Doctors instructions. They said it would be alright, and sent me back down to the ground floor where I took a ticket and joined the queue.

Only two nurses on duty, but I managed to have a little natter with them.

Then caught the bus back to town and another out to Carrington, where I dropped off at Lidl to get some bread. I joined the queue at the till and waited as my beard grew and paid for the bread, again getting 4x1p pieces in the change.

As I walked home I thought I’d save all these 1p pieces and spend them at Lidl in one go, if they moan I’ll tell not to give em me in me change then!

Saw Big John going to the launderette instead of Tuesday. He said he’s got to go to a funeral tomorrow.

Got back to the dump, WC and laptop started passed wind and felt the blood from me piles running.

Went up and cleaned myself up – Gawd I’m getting through some clothes this last week. Bloodied underpants, pyjama bottoms, bedding etc.

Another traipse to the launderette tomorrow then.

Ah well!

Nottingham Pensioner Injured Christmas Shopping

A Nottingham Pensioner, Juan Inchcock (68) has been injured in the Victoria Shopping centre, whilst struggling to walk through (Though he had no money for any purchases so why he was there is a mystery) the shopping mall, amidst the packed early Christmas shopping crowds.

Not being so nimble on his feet, he was nervously limping his way through the milling crowd of mobile-phone, iPod using excited youngsters and women, Big Issue sellers, Hoodies, Skateboarders, Mobility scooters and a few hundred brawling, swearing, spitting threatening energetic kids, and some distracted, frustrated parents.

It seems he had earlier had his hat stolen from his head by youthful antisocial lads, then got knocked over by a Mobility Scooter.

At this point as he was trying to get his senses back just outside the Jessop’s store – a group of Albanian shoplifters being chased by CPOs ran out of the store knocking Juan down and over again just as he was getting up from the floor with the assistance of his walking stick.

Shopping centre staff found Juan’s NHS Medical card and summoned medical assistance.

But none arrived.

As he lay there in the pooling blood one of his hearing aids fell out and as he gingerly stretched out to retrieve it his camera fell out of his pocket and it was nicked within seconds, and someone walking past rubbernecking stood on his walking stick breaking it in half and smashing his bottle of Ethyl alcohol.

He was particularly upset when the Big Issue seller stole his Age Concern carrier bag, because it had his Horlicks and midday medications in it.

In Mr Inchcock’s uneducated locally accrued words:

“It wur ‘ell for mi! Bloody Christmus, Bah Humbug to um all! I ‘ad tu fight through farsands on um, all spendin’ money un gerring fings for Christmus fer there families like.

At this point he scratched his back passage and commented “Bleedin’ piles are bleedin’ too” then continued;

“Wiv me Arfritis un dodgy ticka, I wus strugglin’ to get through um. Had two o’ me corns trod on, nearleh got knocked over twice, had me titfer nicked, got ran into by a mobility scoota, ‘ad one o’ mi Impetigo scabs knocked off… blood all over place, un then just wen I fought I’d got frough t’ uffur end like, a shoplifter ran out o’ shop, chased by sum policemen, and they knocked me bag art o’ mi hand! Broke mi bloody heart it did, mi medicasiuns wer’ in there!”

Having lost the shoplifters the CPO’s returned to Juan: They summond assistance and arrested Mr Chambers for having open alcohol in a public place, and obstructing the police in the execution of their duty.

Santa Banned from Social Centre in Nottingham

Officials at the Okoku Bantu Social Centre in Nottingham, have banned the traditional appearance of Santa Claus, a local Senior Citizen Juan Inchcock (68) from appearing this year.

Mr Abdul-Geezer Danton on his last years Christmas present his wife bought him

The new Centre manager Abdul-Geezer Danton, explained: “We think that the appearance of Santa Claus giving out free presents last year, may have contributed to the increase in muggings, and the riots in Nottingham this year. You see the citizens then expect to get something for free all the year, and the Job-centre Plus staff cannot provide this service with the cut-backs you see.”

He passed wind and continued in a softer voice: “Well really it’s his farting you know – fair enough he can’t help it at his age, but it is really deadly and the kids leave the shed without paying for the presents yer see”.

Gaz (Knuckles) Tyron Shulaces

We spoke to some of the local residents and centre visitors, asking them what they thought of this, with the following answers given:

Gaz Tyron Shulaces (39) Drug dealer, bouncer and local Councillor: “Yea, wanna mek summat on it… eh?”

Mr Grapplemen at his old job

Leonnard Grapplemen (23) Unemployed Security Guard & convicted rioter and mugger: “I reckon it’s abart right, owt oh the blue like, this old git starts geeing us fings for nowt, but bleedin’ ‘ell his leaking arse is crucifying us like… worraya expec’?”

Shirley Ticklyer (32) Part-time Prostitute and mother of eight at the last count: “We could do wi Santa cummin ev’ry day ‘ere midduck!”

Mr Steedenski in his new job

Mike Steedenski (42 ⅞) Redundant Police Officer Traffic Warden and now Car Park attendant: “Well there has been an increase in violent crime on the streets this year, that might be summat to do with the git-faced Cameron and his mob having just made 240 police personnel redundant in Nottingham? Santa has got nowt to do with it! Get Labour back in – it ain’t right mate… bleedin’ Tories, nothing but greedy scumbags the lot of em… we want a good riot ‘ere in Nottinum cause we ain’t ‘ad one for months nah…”

The local Constable, Mr Steedenski’s brother Sheridan (77) arrived and took the single malt whiskey bottle away from Mr Steedenski, clouted him around the ear-hole and poked him in the eye with his truncheon as he dragged him away.

Ali Bye (22) Job Centre Employee: “Last year I got fourteen Santa’s a job in Nottingham, this year only three. The reason for less Santas is ’cause four of um last year got mugged, two arrested for shopliftin’ one for child molesting and two done for being drunk in charge of a reindeer!”

At this point the shed collapsed…

Inchcock’s Diary: Friday 31st October 2014

Friday 31st October 2014

I stirred rather sharply (again), at 0240hrs. I sensed a strange nervousness lingering?

Tried my best to get back to sleep without any luck, so read me book. (Oh poetry)

I treated myself to some Jersey full cream milk yesterday – and boy was my cup Yorkshire tea perfect this morning. Must remember to take me morning medications later.

Had a look at the ‘Inch’ – I’m getting fed up with it now, bleeding again!

Not a lot but surely it’s time for the cream to have had some effect?

The laptop let me get much work done this morning. Coreldraw lasted longer before it jacked in as well.

Took medications around 0445hrs then continued surfing! (Not in the water like)

I got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off on a walk into Sherwood with it.

It stuck me how picturesque the area just quarter of a mile away from home was, and I tooketh a picture of it.

I wandered on, and decided to take the route along Bingham Road, where long ago I lived on the ground floor of number 30.

And I stood there after taking the photograph and my mind delved back to the many good times I’d experienced then.

I used to take a holiday away every year, met cajoled with Grizelda there, I was able to enjoy a drink, was in the boxing club, the fishing club, played squash or badminton every twice a week, I was so happy in my job then, and I really did enjoy my trusty old pipe… I got to feeling a bit down about it then and decided it was best to carry on my journey and try to forget about it.

Not easy when the mind wanders off on its own tangents’ is it?

As I got onto Mansfield Road I noticed how many signs there were along that stretch of pavement.

The Church, parking, shop signs, traffic signs etc.

 I pressed on and noticed the Computer shop was open so went in to see if he could help me getting a second hand laptop that could cope with Coreldraw on Vista.

I asked him about the only one on display that was a Vista set-up and he said it would not cope because of the processor. But he had one waiting in the back to be reconditioned and he could make that one okay. He said to call next weekend. So I said I would. I just hope this one lasts that long.

I set off and eventually got to the Hospice shop and dropped off the things.

Then called in Wilko to get some face clothes, then I could use my current ones to tend to the little ‘Inch’ and throw them away afterwards.

As I neared the end of the walk back to the flea-pit I noticed the place that got burglarised the other day had a new sign up telling folk a security company is monitoring the place. I think that might have been why the police called at the dump yesterday?

As I turned into my street checking for any jobs by taking a circular turn if you know what I mean; I noticed that a gallant giant hard working spider had spun a massive web from the telegraph pole across the pavement to the flat roof of someone’s kitchen! I was amazed. I took a few photo’s in the hope that one might show the size of the web without luck, but one of them did show the giant spider, just. I’ve circled it with yellow ring on this photo. I’ll make it bigger in the hope that you can see the mammoth web he/she was spun. I suppose as soon at gets windy or rains they will lose it after all that hard work. Poor thing!

Got in and had a gorgeous cuppa with the full cream Jersey milk.

Started the laptop and updated this diary.

Made (Well heated) me shepherds pie, had some last day to use crispy bacon rashers with it, a lolly and took some bags of cheese curls and some Viennese rolls with me to nibble later.

I reckon HRM would be jealous yer know!

International Bankers seek financing from within the UK

 A few interesting facts about the corrupt IMF bosses!

IMF chief Christine Lagarde, one of the world’s most powerful women, announced Wednesday she had been charged with “negligence” over a multi-million-euro graft case relating to her time as French finance minister. The announcement came a day after she was grilled for more than 15 hours by a special court in Paris that probes ministerial misconduct, the fourth time she has been questioned in a case that has long weighed upon her position as managing director of the International Monetary Fund. Lagarde takes home £298,675-a-year untaxed, receives further tax-free allowance package of £52,000 plus expenses’ that are never revealed to the public.

Spain`s ruling Popular Party said Monday it had expelled ex-IMF head Rodrigo Rato and all other party members under investigation for allegedly misusing credit cards for personal spending while working at a bailed-out finance group. Mr. Rato had his salary cut from €2.3 million to €600,000 annually in 2011 due to new laws for rescued banks, his expenses were not declared.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, 62, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), had been arrested for sexual assault and attempted rape in New York City, his wife Anne Sinclair wasted no time in declaring her unquestioned belief in his innocence. The heiress to an art-gallery fortune, Sinclair, also 62, is a celebrity in her own right, having been an award-winning radio and television journalist in France. She has stood by him in the recent past. In 2008, Strauss-Kahn was reprimanded by the IMF after his relationship with the Hungarian economist (and his subordinate at the institution) Piroska Nagy became a public scandal. Sinclair is Strauss-Kahn’s third wife. According to his contract, Strauss-Kahn’s salary in 2010 was $441,980.00. That’s more than President Barack Obama makes, and Strauss-Kahn pays no taxes on his income. In addition, Strauss-Kahn receives a yearly allowance of $79,120.00 in monthly instalments which, the contract says, comes “… without any certification or justification by you, to enable you to maintain, in the interests of the Fund, a scale of living appropriate to your position as Managing Director.”

 Alex Segura was given almost $200,000 (£122,000) at the end of his three-year posting – money which the IMF says was paid back as quickly as it could be. Prime Minister Souleymane Ndene Ndiaye said it was a goodbye present – part of an African tradition. Opposition activists have condemned what they regard as a corrupt payment. The fund said in a statement Mr Segura was given the present after a dinner with President Abdoulaye Wade, but did not realise the gift was money until he was about to leave the country for Barcelona. “With Mr Segura worried about missing his flight, and concerned that there was no place to leave the money safely in Senegal, he decided to take the money aboard the plane,” Reuters quoted the IMF as lying… er… saying.

International Bankers seek financing from within the UK

IMF, The Guild of International Bankers, and the Offshore Investments Fund representatives have arrived secretly in the UK, to discuss their getting possible loans, in a bid to stave off further World financial crises.

It seems that the executives of those organisations have noticed that no matter how bad things get in the UK, our MPs never seem to suffer financially like the proletariat do, and individually amass more wealth than some small countries.

This, they find amazing, and how the impecunious riff-raff of the Nation do not rise up in revolt amazes them.

We understand they will be holding a 10 minute visit with David Cameron and Nicolas Clegg at number ten.

They will then be moving on to ‘personal contact’ who used to be in charge of Government Ministers Personal Offshore Investments , to see if they can arrange for him to loan them sufficient funds of £49Billion to tide them over. They liked the way he used his wife Ffion (Paid Barclay’s Bank Advisor) to save their favourite bank.

William Hague has requested that we do not name him as their previous ‘personal contact’.

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