Satire – Page 114 – Inchie Today

Inchcock Today: Mon 17th November 2014

Monday 17^th November

Slept for hours and hours, then didn’t want to get up when I awoke? Not me that.

The laptop started okay. (Not tried coreldraw9 yet)

Made a cuppa.

Did some posts for LOMM then checked Facebook and emails.

Went down and made another cuppa and took me medications.

A little blood from the ‘Inch’ but not so much as usual. Still I applied the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream though.

Beautified myself and got things ready for me trip to the Queens Medical Centre. I remembered to take me Blood Red Snow book for me to rebook it out at the library.

Bloomin’ windy first thing on me walk into town.

Caught bus out to the QMC for my INR Warfarin blood level tests.

I arrived and saw the poor devils queuing for the car park. The queue trailed back all around the compound.

When I was being done in the haematology dept, I nodded off while they were taking the blood. That tickled them somewhat.

But these incidents do make me appreciate why the DVLA took away my driving licence though.

Afterwards I caught a bus back into town and called in the library to renew me book. (Not sure how I remembered that but still).

Walked up through the Arcade (shopping mall) opposite the library when I came out. I still cannot figure out how the businesses in it make it pay. Only about 50% of the units are occupied.

It didn’t help them when last year a bloke got his sandals caught in the escalator and tore off a toe. Then it was closed for ages for the inquiry. Eventually they replaced it with some stairs. Which if I’d remembered before I poddled up through, I would not have poddled up through. Oh me knees!

I had a bit of limp around town and got some bits to add to the stuff for the Hospice shop.

Then I caught the bus to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop in Sherwood.

I called in the delicatessen shop and got some meat and bread.

Where an interesting short conversation took place between me and the chap who owned the place:

Me: “Good mornin’”

Him: “Grunt”

Me: “What kind of meat is that one please?” Said I pointing at the meat.

Him: “Half passed eleven!”

Me: “Er… can I have four thick slices please?”

Him: “Six… thick slices?”

Me: “No no, four thick slices please”

Him:”Right!”

When I got home there were five slices, so he wasn’t far off bless him.

Then dropped off me stuff at the shop and had a hobble back into Carrington.

As I was passing the Sherwood Arms public house I noticed for the first time a new sign above the frontage of the premises and thought how amusing it was.

Husband Day Care

Need time to relax?

Want to go shopping?

Just need some time to yourself?

LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND WITH US!

We promise to take good care of him… just leave plenty of Beer Tokens!

Tickled me that did.

On the other side of the road another retail shop abandoned.

As I drew near to Carrington, the sky became daunting and dark.

And yet it was beautiful at the same time.

Got in the hovel.

WC, then made me sandwiches ready for later.

Watched a Torchwood DVD repeatedly. By repeatedly I mean I kept falling asleep and having to rewind it every time I woke.

Took me medications and had me nosh.

Again tried to complete the viewing of the Torchwood DVD. This time determined to get to see it all.

Gave up and got me head down.

Woke up with ‘Inchy’ calling for kitchen towel usage!

Tsk!

Inchcock Diary 16th Nov 14

Sunday 16^th November 2014

I was up cleaning little ‘Inchy’ and changing me bloodied night attire at 0200hrs. Well pee’d off with it now!

Started laptop and made a cuppa took medications and consumed a pot of porridge.

Angina bad.

Toyed on the internet for many hours, having to restart the laptop a few times though. But Coreldraw seemed content not to crash. (Up to now!)

Hope to get out and take some photo’s later, but the weather is a tad foggy and not very welcoming.

The depression self-pity loathing and the Angina beat me today – Not doing anything but Internetting.

Sorry. Hope to bounce back.

Inchcock Today: Sat 15th November 2014

Saturday 15^th November 2014

Still not feeling up to par this morning.

I managed a decent four hours kip though.

0430hrs: Made cuppa and returned to sleeping bag and read some of the Blood Red Snow book.

0530: Made cuppa, started laptop to update this and took me medications.

Still not feeling up to par this morning.

I managed a decent four hours kip though.

0430hrs: Made cuppa and returned to sleeping bag and read some of the Blood Red Snow book.

0530: Made cuppa, started laptop to update this and took me medications.

Tried to take a photo but the new camera wouldn’t shoot? What have I done?

I put the batteries on charge in hopes that this will solve me dilemma.

I looked briefly at the pile of washing up waiting for attention – and ignored them like any true professional loafer would.

Really want to get out today and take some photographs for the Troll Free Zone gals from America, Australia, Canada etc. But I’m feeling drained again. I’ll see how I feel in a bit.

Ru mbling tummy has joined the Arthur Itis and Angina… good job I’m used to suffering yer know. (Hehehe)

**Not so much blood this morning I think?**

Did a bit of Facebooking and posted yesterday’s Diary.

Cleansed and checked and creamed little ‘Inchy’ – blood spurting again. Getting a bit fed-up with this now. Then again feeling so depressed with everything I’m not surprised I’m getting ratty.

Set off on my scenic route walk to town.

Bit dark but not too cold yet.

Took some photo’s en –route and in town, when the heavens opened and down came the rain. I felt so sorry for a Big Issue seller I bought her an umbrella.

The old library building, now part of Trent University looked nice in the rain. It was bombed in 1917 by a German airship, but soon repaired with great care.

Walked to the 99p shop and got some bits. Then to the Pound Shop for some long socks.

Then I hobbled to Primark for underwear to replace me bloodied ones that won’t wash out. Got some long sleeve T-shirts, my own fault for not going to the launderette that I needed these.

The workers were in the slab square preparing the Nottingham ‘You-can’t-afford-it’ Christmas stalls.

Then off to a cob shop so I would have something to eat this weekend now I have no means of cooking anything back at the hovel. (Double Tsk!) Good job they had some cheapo ones in for me.

Took a photo of shoppers in the rain outside the Cob shop.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and pondered on whether I should get some chips to go with me sarnies tonight or not – I remembered how horrible the last chips were ones that I got from Pancho’s and decided against it.

Still raining, but at least the camera seems to be working. Glad something is!

Got in and WC, started laptop…

Well I didn’t actually, I tried – but nothing happened!

Oh dear, sadness and depression dawning again?

I pressed and held the Start button to turn it off. Gave in a minute and pressed again to try and start her.

Several minutes later message: Start-up is not responding do you want to (I forget the word) reset to a time the laptop last worked? Yes!

Many minutes later it came to life… Phew! But very slowly indeed.

So I got this diary done ASAP in case she conks-out on me again.

Posted it early – I never know when bad-luck will strike (Well I do really… always!)

Inchcock Today: Friday 14th November 2014

Friday 14^th November 2014

Arose about 0330hrs and went down to make a cuppa.

I was going to do some porridge in the microwave, but stopped it as soon as the sparks flew from the sides of the door! I found the door edging was corroded. So, no hot food until I get another. (Being frustrated and depressed comes naturally and easily to me you know – Tsk!)

The laptop was upstairs so I returned to update and post yesterday’s diary and have a poddle on Facebook.

Feeling strangely depressed a tad again this morning.

The knees are still not very good, and the Angina… well, not good also.

Got a lot of sorting to do, the launderette; well I’ll have to manage for clothes until next week. Then I’ll have the struggle of carrying two dirty great bagsful down to the launderette. – Not Done!

I’ve got to get to the G.U.M. clinic to book another appointment. Not Done!

I want to get to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop with the bits for them. – Not Done!

I’ve got to go to the Computer shop to sort laptop. – Not Done!

I’ve got to sort out a new microwave cooker. – Not Done!

Got to sort the rubbish and put the bins out for collection. – Done!

Oh forget it… I can’t cope with the thought of it all. (Hehe)

I washed the little ‘Inch’ no blood showing at all. Until I pulled at him and it spurted out again. This time I could see the lesion as it filled with blood and then flowed out.

As I’ve said before, thank heavens for kitchen towels!

I went back down and put the bins put out collection, made another cuppa and took me medications.

Then I returned to the laptop. Coreldraw9 is now working in a slow fashion thankfully.

Not feeling too well today, staying put indoors.

Took me yonks to get to sleep, hours! (Tsk)

Why Inchcock stopped going to Nottingham Forest matches

Part of the Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe

My heroes:
Peter Grummitt in goal.

Bob Chapman, Terry Hennessey, Pete Hindley, Bob McKinlay, my favourite John Winfield were in Forest’s defence.

Jim Baxter, Henry Newton, Ian-Storey-Moore were in midfield.

Joe Baker, John Barnwell. and Barry Lyons up front.

All mismanaged so ably by Johnny Carey

1969, and my mates begged me to stop going to Forest matches!

Mick said I was a ‘jinx on them’.

Bill said I was the ‘kiss of death to them’.

Frank said I was a ‘curse on them’.

Alf said I ‘cast an evil eye on them’.

They each suggested I go forth and multiply and questioned my parentage.

They then pointed out that I’d only been to 6 matches that season, that resulted in:

Versus Man United Lost 2-1

Versus Derby County Lost 1-3

Versus Leed United Lost 6-1

Versus Burnley Lost 5- 0

Versus Leeds United Lost 4-1

Versus Coventry Lost 4-1

… and could I please stop attending the City Ground? (Or words to that effect)

I laughed this off as rubbish.

The next season, after I attended my first match (And only match of the season) versus Arsenal, and they lost 4-1… I did stop attending the City Ground after that!

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

**The Chief Constable is posing for press photographs while Sergeant Gaztops sulks because they wouldn’t let him attack with hand grenades and nerve-gas**

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

Police responded with dogs, helicopter, and ARV (Armed Response Vehicle) to a call for help, from the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham this morning at 0928hrs.

Officers sealed off all roads surrounding the school, apart from the one to the bookies and local pub. (Best not to upset the locals quoted the firearm bearing Traffic Warden Mike Steedenski)

A statement from the Nottingham Chief Constable Danny Soz-Poncemby said: “Twice last week, teachers and pupils reported suspicious characters lurking in the close vicinity of the school they knew they couldn’t be locals because they were not searching through the dustbins. It seems the same two have gained access to the premises, and when the teacher demanded they left and they refused, a hostage situation then developed.”

Sergeant Gaztops wanted to attack the school with hand-grenades and nerve gas, but we managed to calm him down with a Valium and gin mix and a promise of sex with the schoolmistress.

Our reporter Juan Inchcock asked: “Do you think that the intruders might be paedophiles?”

The Chief Constable replied: “Oh yes, I’d not thought of that!”

He turned to one of constables in riot gear next to him and commanded him to get more support and call for another CPO (Community Police Officer) to attend the scene, as soon as he’d finished having his breakfast.

Talks ensued, with one of the children via their Samsung Galaxy S2 mobile phones and the police negotiator.

At this point the burger can arrived and was allowed through the barricade so the officers who were keeping back the local muggers, shoplifters, gunmen and children absconding from their schools, could partake in food. Much to their delight.

No further details were forthcoming until 1430hrs, when it reported by the Chief Constable in a statement:

“I am glad to inform you that the hostage situation at the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham has been settled without any injuries this time.

He stopped to comb his hair, snuff out his roll-up and pose for some photographs to be taken by the press then continued:

“Both of the Police Officers abducted by the pupils were shook up, but released relatively unharmed after I agreed that no charges would be brought against the children. The graffiti on the headmistress’s door would not be cleaned off for 5 months, and the use of Ganja would be permitted in the playground for fifteen minutes a day during school time.”

He added as the Pizza and Burger vans pulled away:

“Another victory for common sense policing!”

Inchcock Today: Monday 10th November 2014

Monday 20^th November 2014

Up at 0300hrs, WC.

’Inchy’ sore and leaking a little blood.

Down and got laptop started and made a cuppa.

Chest pains started, angina not good.

Feeling a bit down again. Despite Lynton emailing me that he is coming over to see me with his son next week.

Did the LOMM update posts and some graphics for Troll Free Zone.

Waiting for the Asda delivery, then I’ll get washed shaved teggies and WC then get changed to go to the Queens Medical Centre for my INT level tests.

When I came down from ablutionising (Is there such a word?) my left thumb was bleeding from all around the nail! No pain, no lesions?

I took some bits with me for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop to drop off on the way back from the Queens Medical Centre.

I set off and caught the bus (Raining you see) into town. Then got another out to the QMC.

The rain has lessened as I arrived at the hospital.

Only a couple waiting at the haematology dep’t, and I was in five minutes later.

There was only two staff on. The new girl and a bloke brought in from another department – three staff off today she said! She also pointed out that i had blood coming from my left ear-hole?

Still she was happy could she could have first pick of the nibbles I took for them, including the fresh cream éclairs that tickled her fancy.

I was soon out and caught a bus into town.

Had a walk about a bit, got some DVD’s to add to the stuff got the Hospice shop.

Ambulance/CityWalked into town and as I rounded the corner, the first thing I saw was somebody being loaded into an ambulance.

That cheered me up no end.

The rain had stopped and the sunshine glistened. So I took a photo in the slab square.

Then walked towards the Sherwood bus pick-up point taking a photo pf an alley as I passed it. In this alley is a Barbers, a public convenience, a ladies hair dressers and a few other retailer. Not doing so well I’d hazard a guess by the lack of people around.

I caught the bus and dropped off almost opposite the Charity shop and took the bit in for them.

Then I had a walk back to Carrington, the angina still bothersome.

And I foolishly didn’t put any Phorpain gel on my knees cause they seemed okay at the time – When will I ever learn!

Nearly got ran into by a burke on a bike on the pavement as I turned the corner into my street.

Got in. WC’d.

Laptop on and made a cuppa.

It’s colder in this house than outside! Huh!

Felt that warm wet sensation in the region of my little Inch again, went up and checked. Bleeding. A good day for me bleeding today innit – me left thumb, me left ear and now my ‘Inch’ has started again. I checked the ear-hole closer and I think the wax or ear-drops might have hardened and when I put me hearing-aids in it might have caught it and pulled a bit off?

I’m looking forward to be nosh tonight (and hoping it come out alright like). I’ve got two big potatoes to do int microwave, then I’ll empty the flesh into bowl and bash it up with some cheese granules a splash of vinegar and a tad of sea salt, then return it to the microwave add some bbq sausages and rewarm it.

I’ll let yer know how it turns out later. I might have a bit of cooked beetroot with it. Egon Ronay? Huh!

Nottingham Health and Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair

Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

The Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsh Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

Accident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Sue Emall – Solicitor for League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaz tops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance. Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer was injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe: The Match – Nottingham Forest vs Ipswich Town

My mates were away on holiday, so I wrapped myself up in a great coat, scarf, flat cap etc (It was very cold as you would have gathered, if not please pay more attention – thank you).

I took a beef dripping sandwich, apple, and bar of Punch chocolate, and set off to the match on my own.

There was a big crowd, and I made me way to the East stand at the front wall, behind the dug-out.

At half time, I struggled through the crowd to get a Bovril drink, and somehow managed to get back to my spot without spilling too much.

Just as I was biting into the apple, a surge of bodies forced me and everyone else nearby, to be squashed up against the low wall, fearing another surge coming from the yobs behind, I threw away the apple and Bovril cup in an effort to free my hands to use to help stop me being crushed against the wall.

At which point I found myself being man handled and dragged over the wall by two nice policemen, who gave me a dead-leg, crammed my arm up my back, and frog-marched me into the car park, and secured me in the back of an Austin black maria!

I stood in the cage in the back of the black-maria, confused, about what I might have done to warrant being here?

Occasionally, the doors would open, and a protesting yob or two would be forced into joining we already squashed up inmates in the cages.

I could hear that the match had finished, and after about half an hour or so, the doors opened again, and some police officers accompanied by a couple of police dogs pulled out a few of the incarcerated, me included, into the car park, and suggested we go forth and multiply!

Presumably those still in the van were to be prosecuted, we in the car park were cautioned.

I found out much later, why I was removed from the ground. A neighbour had been standing near to where I was on the East stand, and had seen it all happen, and explained it to me: As I was being crushed involuntarily into the wall by the surge of fans behind me, the apple I threw away to allow me to use my hands to protect myself from the wall, had landed on a policeman’s helmet!

Ah well, at least I understood why the bobby had dead-legged me, and caught my head on the cage door twice as he implanted me in the black-maria now.

Oh.. and Forest lost the match too!

Inchcock Today: Sunday 9th November 2014

Just how is Britain’s miniature answer to Ebola doing today?

Nervous, uncertain, cold and weary!

Sunday 9^th November 2014

Bad night for waking up every few minutes it seemed – and fretting over something different every time.

Gave up and got up at 0250hrs.

Laptop took ages to start.

Made a cuppa and returned to it – Internet freezing again. Restarted twice. All three active blue lights on all the time now.

Third loading it is working… reluctantly.

I’m sneezing like a good un this morning.

Got loads of graphics done for the TFZers.

Coreldraw is not playing up now? Apart from the not letting me save of course. But still, in confuses me why.

Very cold this morning now.

Morrison’s order came, no substitutions.

I’m going to get myself beautified, sanitised and prettied-up and take the camera for a walk into Nottingham. Oh, and of course well wrapped up – me that is not the camera!

I attended the Remembrance service at St John’s, and came away slightly thoughtful but depressed as usual.

Being a Sunday (See how quick I was there?), not much traffic on Mansfield Road as I set off on walk into the City Centre.

As I arrived there, still not much traffic, but plenty of Nottinghomian’s lurking alarmingly about, as well as cyclist, mobility scooters, street performers and big Issue sellers as well.

I poddled through town to the South end and went in Sainsbury’s to get some bread for the birds.

I went down to the Nottingham canal and as I was feeding them I realised or rather remembered that it was now banned and I risked an on the spot fine of £65!

So I threw in the rest of the bread quickly… during which one of the animals shat down me left trouser leg!

I was not feeling too good, a bit dizzy and lifeless so I made towards the City Centre to catch the bus home.

On the way I nipped into the pound shop and got another bag of bird seed – that I will have to remember to use in Derby not Nottingham.

Walked through town, taking a picture of buildings and nice sky.

Hobbling now, I struggled to the bus-stop. When it arrived and I got on it, I took a picky of me leg and the bird poop!

Back at the Steptoe & Son hovel, WC, laptop started and made a cuppa.

Microwaved potatoes tonight, with some BBQ sausages methinks.

Do you know, I can’t figure out why I feel so low… Tsk!