Inchcock Interviewed for position as Nuclear Physicist

Lynton: “What is e=mc2?”

Inchcock: “Everton losing to Man City 2-0?”

Lynton: “How are asteroids formed?”

Inchcock: “They get elected to Parliament?”

Lynton: “What is a nucleus?”

Inchcock: “Not an old Cleus?”

Lynton: “How is energy transformed in a windmill?”

Inchcock: “The sail thingies going round and round?”

Lynton: “In Radioactive Dating we use half life to determine the age of a sample but not the average life – Why?”

Inchcock: “To find out how old yer date is?”

Interviewer: “What is meant by the rest mass energy of an electron?”

Inchcock: “Is it?”

Lynton: “What is Fusion?”

Inchcock: “Summat to do with gerrin’ yer end away?”

Lynton: “The velocity of a body was noted to be constant during five minutes of its motion. What was the acceleration during this interval?

Inchcock: “Oh yes!”

Lynton: “Name any to elementary particles which have an almost infinite lifetime?

Inchcock: “Tony Blair and George Osborne?”

Lynton: “When is heavy water used as a moderator?”

Inchcock: “During the summer riots by the police?”

Lynton:: “How are Asteroids formed?”

Inchcock: “They occur when the the veins surrounding the anus become inflamed. Occurrence of piles can be caused by pregnancy, ageing, chronic diarrhoea, constipation, failing to remove a stool, sitting for long periods, anal intercourse, genetics and obesity.”

Lynton: “Do you think you have the necessary education, skills and commitment to succeed in you chosen physicist career?

Inchcock: “Oh yes… 2-1 at half-time but they came back to get a 3-3 draw!”

Lynton: “What kind of events cause you stress on the job?”

Inchcock: “None really… I haven’t had a job for years!”

Interviewer: “How do you communicate goals to subordinates?”

Inchcock: “Shout goal, jump up in the air and kiss the nearest Forest supporter?”

Lynton: “Can you write down the PDE for a diffusion equation. Using fourier transforms calculate the green function for that equation?

Inchcock: “No!”

Lynton: “Which college did you get your degree from?”

Inchcock: “College…degree?”

Lynton: “Why is energy distribution of beta decay continuous?

Inchcock: “Yes…”

Lynton: “What is the significance of the hrmite and polynomials in quantum physics?

Inchcock: “Have you got a toilet I can use please”

Lynton: “What is the energy relation as given by Einstein?”

Inchcock: “Alfred Einstein liked Mozart’s music too!”

Interviewer: “Have you done any jobs you think will stand you in good stead for training as a nuclear physicist?”

Inchcock: “I’ve been a street gas-lamp wick-trimmer and I’ve also studied politicians…”

Lynton: “Fair enough…”