Inchcocks Attempted Escape Ode – It failed, of course!

Inchies Attempted Escape Ode

It’s Not Easy, You Know!

Getting out, that’s something of a rarity!

The preparation for escape overall, schmeered,
Is something that is trepidatious and feared.
But have to be, they have to have persevered,
Painful, dangerous tasks have to be furthered,
Here’s s graphic of some jobs needing to be completed…,

This Mornings Palavas

A smidge high, the body temperature today,
Nowt to fret over, it’s often been this way,
The sphygmomanometer gave 168/71… Hey!
Pulse 97 – blimey! Hope they go down, I pray!

Mike Fries CEO Liberty-Global – Virgin Media

Got sorted out, and low and behold,
Onto the computer, and I’ve got all frampold…
Liberty-Global Virgin Internet – went down six-fold!
My view of this crap firm must remain untold!
Or I may pass my anger-management threshold!

So Much For Taking One Of These!

To the Porcelain Throne and on the seat…
Passing the evacuation was an uncomfortable feat!
The runny gooey mess was finally complete…
Had to clean everything; I hope there’s no repeat!

I took the above morning medications…
None of them caused me any addictions!
Stubbed my toe, causing many ululations,
Noticed on the legs, more even vesiculations,
Such is life, full of irritating tribulations!

The prescription toothpaste a bit sour?
Eight dropsies shaving, three in the shower,
New soap today, scented with elderflower?
Dropped the sponge, bent, hit my head, Wowser!
Against the wall box that giveth the power.
Didn’t half hurt; it made me swear and cower!
It was still hurting after over an hour!

Ah, blood runneth from my private region!
Yes, it was from Little Inchies fungal lesion,
I’d not caught or banged it – what’s the reason?
Ointmentating hurt had to have an intermission!
At least the boils on the bum are in remission!


Now to apply the Germoloids ointment,
Harold’s Haemorrhoids, ah, now so evanescent,
And the escaping blasts of wind were now conticent,
Oh, that Germoloid, it really is heaven sent!.

Now to use the soothing, mild Germolene cream,
On the stomach folds, eases the itching like a dream,
Another cream, with results I hold in esteem.
Nowt in this product to make me scream…
Not like Dakacort, that gives me agony I can’t redeem!m,

Saccades eye drops; next, you know…
I miss target often; it runs down my nose…
Cheek, then though the moustache it goes,
Into my mouth, how it’s not poisoned me, I don’t know?

Ear drops, well, Olive Oil,
No, bother, sweat or toil,
Hello, I’ve just found another gum boil!
Just doing the ablutions nowadays is a droil!

Into the PP’s, and freshened and dressed,
Suddenly felt at my embarrassingly awfullest…
Took me so long to get ready again…
I’d missed the bus; it’s such a pain…
I’d lost my desire a zest…
The bus had gone, too late, what a bain!
I now accept it… I’m going insane!

Part of The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe In Rhyme

12 thoughts on “Inchcocks Attempted Escape Ode – It failed, of course!

  1. You could open a pharmacy with all those drugs. I can’t imagine they get along with each other all that well. Excellent Ode. Maybe the next attempt at a great escape will suckseed.

    • Haha! Cheers, Tim.
      Ran out of Codeines yesterday. The carer fetched the prescription and brought them to me today – I noted they had sent extra codeines – AT LAST! Bless the carers. ♥
      I may well suck seed in a while – I’ve some seeded cobs to have with my nosh! Hehehe! Glad you thought the Ode good. Cheers Sir.

  2. A fine ode that will become part of the English canon in about two weeks. Resounding approval from every university and sausage stand in the UK. To be memorized by classes, as soon as they return from various lockdowns and such.
    I quite agree that you have an astonishing away of medications, and they arrive in all kinds and sizes. Wish they could respond to yer BP and pulse values. They need to manufacture a medication that actually reduces those two numbers. How about BP-Lowerers and Pulse-Improvers. The pharmaceutical companies could make an even more massive amount of money from customers that have such unwanted numbers. It seems to be a tad better approach than applying white-out to them and writing the numbers yer would rather prefer?
    Say, there might even be something yer could take to help with dropsies of various kinds. I wonders how that would work. Maybe I need to invent it and manufacture it from the basement.
    May Saturday find you odeingly well, Sir!

    • Nicely said Sir Billum. I could get a smidgeon excited about the sausage stand interest if it comes.
      Well, if the carers costs go up too much, phone interview arrived yesterday, now awaiting then ew figure (with some dread I might say), at least I might start eating and drinking the medication in place of food. Hahaha!
      I got a picture in my mind the second I read your pleasing and humorous “Maybe I need to invent it and manufacture it from the basement” – an idea for a graphic came to mind, I’ve written it on my trusty notepad (determined not to lose this one!), and as soon as time permits, I will be working on CorelDraw to create it for publication and hopefully fame for the Billum near Ohio archives!
      Trouble brewing with the carers, I’ll email you on that one, or will I do an ode about it? No, better not.
      Dropsies tablet or pill? When the PN was first diagnosed at the Mary Potter Medical Centre, (I remember it well), the first words spokeneth to me were; “There’s nothing we can do for dying nerve ends… see your Doctor for pain relief” Thank you, I said.
      See your Doctor? That bit puzzles me! I wonder what they meant?
      A jolly good Samstag to HRH and your self, Sir.
      Saturday now, 0535 hours, and the morning carer, has just arrived. Taketh care!

      • The sausage stands are bound to become an international phenomenon, they could also sell designer medicinals with A to Z ingredients. Possibly a Covid vaccine for the next rough-beast variant . Viruses love to learn from human foibles they know how to slip by barriers by devious means.
        I look forward to the Corel image of the basement lab, with a few possible mad scientists.
        Hope things work out best in the carers arena, whether they become too expensive or some alternative.
        Be sure to taketh careth of yourselfeth.
        Hope Saturday treats yer well, and that the end of the week proceeds directly to Monday. Who can I see about getting that effected?

      • “Inchcock – The Covid Killer’ Using cures known and grown near Ohio, to folks who have access to Billums Basement Laboratory. Haha!

      • When I was a kid, the basement was my favorite place to mix household chemicals and to try out every substance I could find. In a science fiction story (The Gunpowder God by H Beam Piper, I read the processing steps for making gunpowder. The only thing I couldn’t find was potassium nitrate. It was a good way to learn basic chemistry. Haha. Here is something I wrote about it:

      • Cheers Billum. Made a start on it. I migt use the basement photo, doctored, in a later ode. Hehehe!
        I’m the same as the commenter, buses I know alittle of, science confused me!

      • We have a good combination of critically important skills. By gosh, we could even construct a lab on a bus and take the Inch and Billum show on the road 🙂

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