Advice/Tips – Page 14

Inchcock’s Welcome to his new Home ‘Pack’ Courtesy of Nottingham Homes.

Inchcock’s Welcome to his new Home ‘Pack’

Courtesy of Nottingham Homes.

I managed to finally get around to perusing the paperwork I was given in me ‘Welcome to your new home’ pack from the nice Nottingham City Homes people.

There were a few leaflets and pamphlets included in the pack like…

Free Points for Paint:

“We have awarded you 50 decorating gift points to spend in the catalogue given to you by the lettings officer.

Fine, I got three tins of paint and a steel tape measure ruler. courtesy of Steve from Age UK ordering it for me. I await its arrival and the pleasure of paying the Age UK Decorator the £189 to slap it on for me (Fair price though) – as I am incapable of doing this simple task nowadays due to me ailments like. Tsk! Most appreciated gesture.

Customer scorecard:

To be filled in with your response to the services provided on a 1>10 basis for each service. With stamped addressed envelope to return it in too!

How to get the most from your electric heating and hot water system:

A rather confusing leaflet with guidance on how to manipulate the controls – being as the controls on mine have worn away through age and use – it is no wonder I was a tad confused!

Ways to pay your rent at Nottingham City Homes:

Direct debit ticked from the list of seven ways to pay – with a Rent reference number, an Occupational Therapists telephone number? and a number to call the kind Council Tax people so they can charge me double tax one for this dump and one for the new dump. Bless them!

Immersion heating scalding – tenants deaths:

Kindly pointing out the danger signs of immersion failure to watch for:

Excessively hot water coming out of the hot taps – Excessive noise or bubbling from the hot water cylinder – Hot water coming from cold water taps – Cold water cistern splits emptying its contents through the ceiling of the room below. Thanks for that I thought.

General Health Safety and Security:

If you carry our any work without the written permission of the Nottingham City Homes we may insist you put it back the way it was, and carry out the work ourselves and charge you for it.

ID Cards:

Always ask workmen for identification.

Scaffolding:

Please do not work yourself from our scaffolding.

Condensation:

This is caused by damp air touching a cold surface.

You can reduce condensation by: Closing kitchen and bathroom doors to prevent steam from going into colder rooms – Open bathroom and bathroom windows when cooking or washing – Not using paraffin or liquid gas heaters and Not blocking air-vents. Well the bathroom I have has no window, and the vent in the kitchen is awaiting repair by Nottingham City Homes?

Gas and Carbon Monoxide:

If you smell gas… There is no gas connected to the block of flats?

Get a Carbon Monoxide monitor fitted in your home.

Protecting Your Home:

A full colour booklet – Common sense really.

Tenancy Agreement: 27 page A4 full colour booklet:

Unless you are transferring form a secure tenant, or an assured non-short-hold tenancy with a registered social landlord which has lasted for more than twelve months you will start as an ‘Introductory Probation Tenant’.

Your tenancy will last for one year, unless you were an assured short-hold tenant of a registered social landlord or an introductory tenant of another property immediately before commencing this tenancy. :

In the event of our taking action to extend or to end your tenancy you will usually have the opportunity to: Discuss matters with your housing patch manager or an officer from Nottingham City Homes Central Rents team.

A page about Reviewing decisions and where to appeal to.

Information for secure tenants.

As an Introductory Tenant you do not have the right to: Buy your home – sub-let part or all of your home – Take in a lodger or Apply to change your home.

Full rent includes:

Flat rent. Support charge. CCTV. Communal lighting. TV licence. Communal facilities. Care-taking. Reference number.

Your Rights as a Tenant – Sub-letting – Lodgers

Three A4 pages of confusing legal claptrap. As a

What you must do as a tenant:

Not applicable pages to me – I’m only a ‘Introductory Probation Tenant’

Smoking in your flat:

‘Smoking’ refers to smoking tobacco or anything which contains tobacco, or smoking any other substance. For your safety, always ensure any smoking materials are fully extinguished before leaving a room.

Smoking in communal areas, on grass, enclosed corridors, stairwells, lifts, entrance area is illegal and as such if prohibited.

Decorations and cleanliness:

You are responsible for keeping your home clean and in a hygienic condition. Free of refuse and to a reasonable standard of decoration.

If you fail we will enter your home t carry our necessary works and charge you the costs incurred.

Conduct on your home:

You or anyone residing in or visiting your home Must Not:

Take or abstract electricity from the mains illegally.

Tamper or damage electricity supplies, meters, smoke detectors or any other equipment.

Store or use inflammable or explosive liquids, gases or tools in your home.

Store motorbikes or mini motorbikes in your home or communal areas.

Run a business from your home.

Use your home or neighbourhood for any illegal activity.

Allow your home to become overcrowded by allowing others to live there.

Allow n accumulation of personal property in your home, that may obstruct an inspection by or on behalf of Nottingham City Homes, cause structural damage to the property or pose an environmental risk.

To do anything that causes a health risk and/or safety risk to yourself or others.

Well that covers anything and everything I think?

Antisocial behaviour, nuisance, harassment, racial harassment and domestic violence, drugs:

Three pages of what not to do. (I wish they had put illegal drugs though)

Pets, Extra Condition for Flat tenants:

You must use the rubbish chute or refuse bins provided for normal household waste.

Do not try to force large items down the chute or leave them in communal areas.

You must make proper arrangements to dispose of medical waste, needles, syringes or sanitary items.

You must not keep a dog or dogs.

You must keep balconies clean, free of obstructions and debris.

You must not cause nuisance, annoyance or disturb neighbours in any way.

You must not leave items in communal areas to your block or place items on your balcony.

You must not let animals deposit faeces on your balcony of communal areas.

You must not throw anything out of the windows or from your balcony.

You must not smoke in enclosed communal areas, stairwells, lifts or entrance areas.

You must not maliciously sett off or interfere with anything provided for your or any other parsons health and safety: including but not limited to smoke detectors, fire alarm systems, fir extinguishers, dry or wet risers, fire doors or door closers, emergency lighting, door entry or sprinkler systems.

Section on additional services you can pay for:

Furniture:

What the council may do if you break clauses 3.6 to 3.14:

Your right to live in your flat:

Termination:

If you breach any of the obligations set out in this tenancy agreement, the actions me may take includes, but is not limited to: sending you a warning letter, court action against you of which we will issue court proceedings to seek an order for you to pay the costs.

There was another five sections, and five more booklets… but I’m too weary now to bother… Tsk!

Oh, and a Direct Debit receipt.

What has Inchcock learnt? Words of Wisdom for Whippersnappers to digest

Here They Are:

* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!

* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!

* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as in the top ten!

* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around me!

* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who get bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog that attacked us!

* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!

* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, me or the poor bus cleaner!

* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!

* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, bus-passes, medications, mobile phones, keys, clothing, hats, and even spoons!

* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette on every visit!

* The ability to take me 6 morning medications at night, and your 8 evening medications in the morning!

* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what you went into that room for!

* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!

* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, Pub queues, Council Benefits qeues and by the general public at large!

* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from me anus!

* The ability to scare people horrendously when I smile and say ‘Good Morning’ to them!

* The ability to lipread wrongly!

* The ability to get on the wrong bus!

* The ability to maintain me life of sorts, despite your constant failings and depression!

* The ability to tell the truth – this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!

* The ability to want to help others – a futile quality!

* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!

* The ability to almost see me feet looking down passed me ever expanding bouncy belly!

* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices!

* The ability to remember things from years ago!

* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!

* The ability to enjoy using carbolic soap!

* The ability to realise that the adage ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ is valid!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem’!

* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!

* The ability to realise that: When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.

* The ability to understand what W. Somerset Maugham meant by ‘An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones’

* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

* The excellently honed and perfected ability to have the hospital staff in tears of laughter!

* An ability to present myself as a target for Pavement Cyclist and mobility scooter drivers everytime I venture out.

If you are lucky enough to live long enough, many of these attributes will come to you, wanted or not.

So make the best of things now kids, and good luck!

Inchcock Views High-Rise Council Pensioners Flat on the 16th Floor

The other day I went to view an warden aided flat,

To get there I had to be strong and an acrobat,

Top of a hill, it was windy, glad I had me hat,

I found the City Councils Commissariat.

–

We went to look at the flat, on the 16^th floor,

I noticed the kicked in panel on the front door,

The place was in a right state, very poor,

Electrics hanging off the wall down to the bare floor,

A smell lingered everywhere, a sweet sickly odour,

Noises from the Romanians living next door.

–

A distinct feeling of gloom lingered in the air,

I decided I didn’t want to live there,

Although the view from the window was fair,

I turned on a tap, the water was brown… I despair!

–

I caught the wall and the plaster shred,

A lick of paint will sort that, the Commissariat said,

That only made me cringe and exacerbate,

Then under the sink an insect zoo did await!

–

The light switch hung off the wall by its wire,

In the front room a non-working electric fire,

The ceiling peeling, electric needing a rewire,

For living here I could not aspire!

–

I told the Commissariat Thanks but I don’t think so,

She took it like a mortal lethal blow,

She scowled at me, and don’t you know…

She didn’t speak to me again and let me go.

Hey-ho!

Inchcock over the years – Not suitable for those of a nervous disposition!

The UK Confederation for the abolition of Facial and Bodily Imperfectness are publishing this collage of Inchcock’s mush as a warning to others, especially the unaware young and misguided shoplifters, of what can happen as one ages.

No Inchcocks were harmed in the production of this post (Well, not much)

Ode to the UKs Political Leaders

Who should you really want to vote for?

Who will make you more frustrated and poor?

Can any of them be trusted any more?

Will they all send our soldiers to war?

–

Will they copy Maggie and the nihilist Blair?

They’ll all make your blood boil and want to swear,

Fiddle their expenses, unhindered without a care,

Honest politicians? You haven’t a prayer!

–

Their chrematistic nature we’ll have to endure,

Their ego, lying, cheating and cunning for sure,

They lie cheat but never get shown the door,

Should we shoot one now and then to level the score?

–

They seek wealth, adulation and utter power,

A set of dishonest, distrustful folk this shower,

Getting more greedy by the day… the hour!

Free from prosecution in the their Ivory tower.

–

We’d be better off trusting a herd of Gnu,

Their greed you just cannot subdue,

Their growing wealth needs a judicial revue,

It’d probably be done by Osborne’s Uncle too,

As Con-men go, UK MP’s are the best, it’s true!

Home Workshop Manual for 29 Tools: with users’ advice

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with.

To help, here’s a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses, followed by some DIY tips provided by Mike Steeden Construction and Demolition expert.

1: Socket-Sets:

A definitely much needed tool. You’ll always lose the one you want to use, but the nearest width one can always be utilised to chew-up the bolt heads.

2: Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

3: Allen Keys:

Highly losable. You can keep them on a key-ring, for you to sort through them to find the size out of the 60 you have on the ring isn’t there, more easily.

4: Multi-Pliers:

Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to make you look macho and increase testosterone levels.

5: Wire Wheel:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit!”

6: Halogen Light:

A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

7: Electric Hand Drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

8: Cordless Drill:

A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Guaranteed to lose your power when you need it.

9: Skill Saw:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

10: Pliers:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. These have been known to mysteriously increase a man’s cursing vocabulary.

11: Belt Sander:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refurnishing jobs.

12: Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

13: Vice-Grips:

Generally used after pliers have failed in the task. To completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

14: Welding Gloves:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

15: Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing taken out of.

16: Table Saw:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

17: Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

18: Eight-foot long Yellow Pine 2×4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack- handle.

19: Ease-it-out Bolt & Stud Extractor:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

20: Band Saw

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most handymen to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

21: Two-Ton Engine Hoist:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

22: Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to mangle-up Phillips screw heads.

23: Plain-flat headed Screwdriver

A tool for opening paint cans. These are often used to convert the common slotted screws into non-removable slotted screws.

24: Crow Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part. Also useful during burglaries and street riots.

25: Hose Cutter:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

26: Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit with it.

27: Stanley-Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

28: Swiss Army Knife:

Can always come in handy as a substitute for the tool you need, but you cannot find.

29: Dammit Tools:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Dammit” at the top of voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need at any given time.

Advice for the Handy-Man:

If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it becomes an improvised screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help and only takes the piss out if you when you get it wrong again.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair… but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. It’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If it’s electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the “on” switch. Or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes does help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, don’t toy with it any-more!

Inchcock Diary 01

Friday 29th August 2014

Late night for me last night – didn’t wake up until 0630hrs, feeling groggy and shaky.

Had a good rinse, dried off and sprayed my manlyless flabby body with Fly-spray by mistake for Antiperspirant.

This is not the first time that I have done something like this… proof I suppose, that an Inchock never learns!

More worry followed: The laptop took a good 12 minutes to load from booting… oh dear; soon I may disappear from the ether I fear.

Angina bad today, bad as it’s ever been really.

This totally knocks me concentration off course, and I decided it was best not to go out today. Then I changed me mind.

I had a walk/limp into Sherwood and took some stuff to the Nottingham Hospice charity shop.

Called in Wilko and got a 4litre weedkiller. How I was stupid enough to buy it then, knowing I’d have to carry it around with me on me walk I don’t know – but I regretted it later.

Caught the bus into town. Then caught but out to Lidl on Ilkeston Road, to see if they had any of the onions in that me Sister Jane wanted, and Lidl in Carrington had ran out of. But no.

Foolishly, I decided to walk all the way home. (Brave Fool!)

Got to where the Aldi shop was, and called in to see if they had the onions in. No.

I noticed how many folk walk along the centre of the roads nowadays, and cyclist ride on the pavements?

Hobbled on (Feet and knees bad now – Tut!) and called in Asian supermarket for a look around. Got some bits, just to add to the weight I was already struggling to carry in me bags like. (Twit!)

Last stretch into Carrington was agony – everything seemed to start then. Angina off again, knees and feet painful, piles performing, stomach ulcer even joined in giving me gip then. (Tsk!)

Got in and collapsed metaphorically speaking.

Saturday 30^th August 2014

Up at 0500hrs – knackered and in pain again.

Had to sort out me Inch that had been bleeding in the night.

Not happy at all, depression crept in a bit. (Tut)

Did nowt but feel sorry fer missen, getting me blogs ready, reading me book, watching DVD, and visiting the WC.

Sunday 31^st August 2014

Hell of a job to get up this morning, the back wasn’t too interested in letting me. Had to sort bleeding out agen. (Tsk!)

Feeling so low once more.

Managed to get up, and realised then that I’d missed me evening medications when I found the full pot… what a clot! (The poetry comes free folks – hehehe)

By the time I’d got the laptop going, a cuppa and me porridge ready, the angina returned and was giving me some gip too. I even had a dizzy spell, but that might be due to me missing last night’s meds?

Struggling to get me posts formulated, making silly errors, hope I can spot em before posting.

Tired today.

* Sorry this ain’t as funny as usual folks, when I feel a bit better, I’ll be back to form. TTFN

My mate big John rang, to see if I wanted to go to the Steaming display at Wollaton today. “Yes please” I responded. “Be ready for one o’clock he says.

BJ and his better half picked me up at 1400hrs, and off we drove to the Steaming Fair.

It were grand there, I really enjoyed it speaking to real people with a similar interest in steam and old transport.

Bought a book of old trolleybus’s while I was there, I love em.

They ran me back to the hovel, I thanked them and reminded BJ to bring his memory stick to the launderette Tuesday, so I could put piccies onto it. Off they went.

Gloom returned.

Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

**Inchcock, just before his last arrest**

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

You Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

You Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

You Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

You Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

You Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!