Rhyme – Page 6 – Inchie Today

I only wanted a shave and shower! – How hard can that be?

Having a Shave and Shower…

I wanted to be presentable, to visit Olive in flat eighty-two,

Thought: I’ll take a shower and shave, that’s what I’ll do,

Then I had to have a session on the loo,

Good job I’d used the lemon scented Toilet-Bloo,

Readied for the best shave a man can get, it must be true,

The Gillette razor, two blades and Hydration Moisturiser mark two!

Moments later, I felt like Victor Meldrew, too

Much blood was drawn, a scar left my ear-lobe all askew,

But I got the after-shave & TCP on it, it’d stop soon I knew.

I went to move the shower chair – a dizzy and before I knew,

I was entangled in it and to the fall I flew,

Hit the wall with my head, now all bestrew,

Some doctoring I had to do,

TCP applied to the, that made me say Ooh!

Luckily, no blood was drew (Bad English bit it’ll do for you),

Moved the chair and back in the showering to do,

My language was rather I admit, rather blue,

The pump gurgled, why it does this I never knew,

Applied the carbolic soap and honeydew,

Scrubbed away singing, the words of which I knew few,

The lump on my head swelled and grew,

A headache bad, but no hiatus or issue,

Soon I would be at Olives, so from the shower, I withdrew.

Citrus underarm sprayed, the Brut lid I couldn’t unscrew,

The toothpaste top was a bit hard to undo,

Sit-ups, press-ups and squats, each one hundred and twenty-two,

Shadow boxed and handstands like daily I do,

Changed into me best togs, mainly in Sky-blue,

Rushed off to see Olive, for who my love is true!

Doctors say at our ages, passions, we should subdue?

I say, thanks and but from this advice we just may Eschew!

I fank you!

Inchcock Looking Back at his Mam: In imitation rhyme

Reminiscing about our Mam, in Rhyme

Mummy asked the midwife, to throw me in the river Trent,

Looking back, t’was my life’s first big disappointment,

She said she couldn’t afford me and still pay the rent,

From not paying the rent, she never did relent,

Sister Jane, to live with a rich relative, was sent,

Older brother Pete, joined the army to escape the torment!

She also ran away, absconded for years, yes, off she went!

– – – – – – –

I can’t say she was a good Mother or wife nor,

She spent most of her time on the run from the law,

She left Dad and me feeling very sore,

She wanted Bingo, betting, money, more and more,

She’d get it anyway, that was for sure!

– – – – – – –

The police caught her, and off to court she went,

For her crimes of conning folk and not paying her rent,

For character references, she forced an adjournment,

Her victim’s character references avoided her immurement,

Released on probation, they got her a new flat, paying her rent,

Her utility bills were paid too, they made them all obsolescent,

Even those who never got back the money to her they had lent,

Threw a celebration party for her, ignoring her criminal intent,

– – – – – – –

Despite all this, the woman was original in her day,

A con-artist of perfection, I really have to say,

Despite her nicking my stuff and her running away,

She could con anyone instantly without hesitation or delay,

She’d give you her last sixpence or chocolate from her Milk Tray,

Although the tanner and choccy came from one of her prey,

She was a crook but unique, I’d have wanted her no other way!

– – – – – – –

When I snuff it or die as it were,

Once again I’ll hopefully see her,

I anticipate my emotions will stir,

What to me would be the clincher,

Is what would I have on me for her to pincher!

See You in a while Mam XXX

Spring has Sprung

The words come from deep within Inchcock’s complicated, unfathomable incomprehensible to ordinary pensioners brain. The lies, innuendoes, the pathetic rhyming and grammar are his forte yer know!

Spring Has Sprunged

Early this morning I awoke and visited the bathroom to take a ting-a-ling,

As the Cystitis offered me, his usual persistent painful sting,

I realised it was the first day of Spring,

And, I started to formulate this linguistic string.

*****

Ideas flooded my brain for all they were worth,

I had ideas of wit, compassion and mirth,

Was I going through a Spiritual rebirth?

No, it was Little Inchy, the bleeding was worse,

Suddenly I was no longer ready for the hearse!

I wanted to watch the daffodils as they battle through the earth.

*****

My mood changed to one willing for acquiescing,

I no longer cared who is left or right wing,

I wanted to join in with the birds and sing,

So I did sing out, and here’s the thing,

The door bell began to ring,

T’was the neighbour, this message she did bring,

“Are you alright, I heard you braying?”

I thought you were ill, she was saying.

*****

The phone came to life and I answered it quick,

It was my bank manager. Merciless Mick,

He explained my finances and gave me some verbal stick,

Afterwards, my mind was like the Sputnik,

I was lost, confused and feeling sick,

Then, I certainly didn’t feel in the least hegemonic,

My lack of enthusiasm for Spring turned chronic.

*****

A long bath would no doubt make me feel better?

As I got in, the knee gave, but did it matter?

It went again getting out, on the sink my head did clatter,

Making a mess, as the blood did splatter,

I cleaned up the mess, on the head wound I put a plaster,

Tried putting Polyfiller on the cracked alabaster,

Ridding myself of depression, I could not master,

Had a feeling of gloom and impending disaster!

*****

Couldn’t find my glasses or ear-drops,

Started this ode, thought it was a load of codswallops,

I no longer wanted to greet Spring from the rooftops,

Now I’m fed up with life and its Whoopsiedangleplops!

No Inchcocks were harmed in the production of this rubbish.

All injuries were received either before or afterwards.

It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part Five – Starting school year…

I was born in 1947, an accident for sure,

Mother now long gone, to void being arrested,

This fact I was content to inure,

By Auntie Gail then, I was molested,

I loved it, thought she was a treasure,

Then going to school, this is where my sanity was tested!

*****

Avoiding being beaten up several times each day,

Keeping the bully boys at bay,

Being called a Nancy for wanting to learn,

Having three other jobs, for spending money to earn,

Paper rounds, Saturday job & wood bundling; jobs I couldn’t spurn

For Dad said, I had to Pay-As-You-Earn!

*****

I had to earn enough cash for the school meals daily to eat,

I’d have agreed to being adopted in a heartbeat,

But Aunt Gail didn’t ask, and we never again did meet,

Oh, how I did cry and wailed, I was so downbeat!

*****

I continued working, bundling the fire-wood,

Grafting away every hour that I could.

Doing extra night shifts, when they asked, I would.

The long tiring hours stood me well later in adulthood,

Then the boss showed me how to saw the wood,

He left me to carry on, there was so much blood!

*****

When the plank shot up off the bench, it caused a conflagration,

Then landed on he head, causing a nasty indentation,

The emergency services arrived, quite an accumulation,

Firemen, ambulancemen, police, a right altercation,

The ambulancemen gave me a perambulation,

To the Children Hospital, where they gave me an investigation,

I was sent home within the hour, Dad offered words of caution:

If my dinner isn’t ready when I get home again, they’ll be an argumentation!

Ah, memories…

Inchcock: Looking Back – In Rhyme (Of sorts)

Looking back, I see happiness, struggle and guilt,

I slept under clothing; we didn’t have a quilt,

The back yard covered in soot and silt,

From the railway line above us, what BR had built,

In poverty, we were up to the hilt!

*****

The disappearing family, starting with Mothers running away,

The police pursued her, warrants in hand, I might say,

But I didn’t blame her for running then, and not even today,

The police couldn’t find her, try as they may,

They search all over Britain, even in Callais,

Years later they did, arrested her, tried her but didn’t put her away,

Gave her a new flat, paid her rent, utility bills too did they,

Con-Woman Par Excellence, at her trial on the day,

Victims appeared as Character witnesses for her! it’s true to say.

*****

Joined the Army, booted out shortly, made me feel blue,

Searched for a job, something I could do,

Went into retail, and did very well too,

Then I got made redundant, what a hullabaloo!

Did industrial cleaning, hard work and horrible too,

Then I got made redundant, occasion number two,

The only job I could get then was in Security, boo-hoo,

Minimum wage, eighty hours a week, eventually promotion got through,

Even more hours, but the wage went up 15p an hour, Yahoo!

Then I got made redundant there too!

*****

To another Security company, where my hopes were high,

Another 10p an hour, I felt I could fly!

Working in the Control room, hard graft but I was on a high,

Then I got made redundant, for the fourth time oh my!

*****

No chance of further work appeared now was so old,

64 years of age and out of work, it made me feel bitter and cold,

So I had to go on the Old King Cole; the dole,

Signing on, applying for jobs, nothing to behold,

I was not trying enough to find work; I was told,

140 applications in 6 months not enough? Anger took a hold!

*****

“I may have to review your support rates,” said the spotty faced urchin,

He nearly got a punch on his acne ridden chin!

But I remembered I was on a high reading for me Warfarin,

I asked the pimply person if he’d like to somehow begin…

Talking to me without sneering, my control level was getting thin,

That was when he hit a panic button, to get Security in!

*****

I was removed to an office, to await the arrival of the police; there’s gratitude!

A chap said ‘We’ve got it all on Camera, your abusive attitude!

I’ve done or said nowt wrong, Good God, I spewed!

The police arrived, we chatted, they checked the camera, I’d not been rude!

They let me go, showing common sense and latitude!

*****

Next week I was put on Income Support, I was a £10 better off then,

Soon I got me retirement pension; I was happy again,

Of course, the Angina, and duodenal ulcer was a pain,

Having to have a new ticker fitted, and the varicose vein,

The Arthritis the sticking reflux valve, the blood from piles did stain,

The hearing aids now fitted, I could hear a bit again,

I started to go just a little bit insane!

*****

Bum bum!

I get so excited you know…

Being a handsome man, healthy, educated and debonair too,

Of course, that was years ago, when I wasn’t always running to the loo,

I could handle women, money, passing wind and Vindaloo,

I’d put my socks on, bend down and drink ale without any ballyhoo!

Things would not be like this for long, I knew.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

1959 I visited a fortune teller; one look at my palm and she cried,

I used to be able to handle finances and food that was fried,

Many requests for a girls cuddle were not denied,

Parts of my body had not yet shrunk, shrivelled or dried!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

But now I’m seventy, and getting once again excited,

Although the body sags, and I’m very short-sighted,

With bragging, yearnings and hopes, I’m no longer blighted,

When something is happening, I don’t get invited,

Less hassle and bladder retention you see, I find I am delighted!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

I feared my memory going if you get me drift?

But it went all the same, and my hearing’s gone adrift,

Behind with the rent now, I’ve become a spendthrift,

At least, there’s no more working the graveyard shift!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Excitement comes more frequently and easier nowadays,

Getting on the right bus, and my spirits will raise,

Getting through the day without setting flat ablaze,

Excitement comes in any forms and ways,

Having the time to just stargaze,

Ready for the end of days!

No Inchcock was harmed damaged or sanitised during the writing of this crap

Final Epitaph creation problems

Ode about my Solicitors. (Using the term loosely!)

Ode about my Solicitors

I had, to sell my house, and was recommended to use FraserBrown,

Which has been as pleasant, as when my heart valve broke down,

They asked for items for proof of ID, so I took them to their offices in Town,

I thought they would get better and took it with a frown,

They called to ask for them again, told them I taken them down.

……………………

A letter followed asking for them again, and the next night…

A bloke rang me up; I told him he’s got them at their Nottingham site,

They assured me they now had everything; I was high as a kite,

Until the following weekend, another letter asking again, I was in a plight!

……………………

Another call at their offices and everything would be good I was told again,

They were becoming annoying and rather a bane,

Then they sent complicated paperwork for me to sign again,

And yet letter requesting what I’d took in already – now I felt disdain!

……………………

Next, a mammoth questionnaire for me to fill out,

Demands for me to mend the boiler, list things I know nowt about,

Where are the underground sewers? Four pages of it to fill out,

Planning permission needed? FENSA certificate? I’m getting the runabout!

…………………….

Fitted units? Light fittings? Outdoor area? Access? – I cannot cope,

I’ve asked Steve from Age, can he help and give me some hope?

No answer from him yet, I’ll get none or soft soap,

I cannot handle this angst, suppose I’m a bit of a dope,

Rather than deal with these people, I’d prefer a Cystoscope!

The End (Is nigh).

No Solicitors were harmed in any way during the creation of this crap Ode. (Shame!)

Thoughts in Ode of Solicitors

Thoughts of Solicitors

The poor downtrodden lawyers and solicitors so poor,

Why do they lie, cheat, overcharge and then lie some more?

They charge you with more venom, than a matador,

£100 an unnecessary letter, often even more!

No wonder house sellers are becoming so poor,

So I write this in the style of a Troubadour,

Convinced my blood & money they will extract some more,

They’re covetous philargyrists with a love of money for sure,

They concentrate on profit, giving little thought to the law,

They waffle on in search of gain, a little like Lord Haw Haw,

They lie so well, and are without morals or principals any more,

They are more unpopular than politicians, hustlers to the core,

Greedy, obnoxious, they’re like a financial Omnivore,

When you have to deal with them, you feel bitter and sore,

Thy defend the guilty scum, not as a benefactor,

But in their desire for profit are worse than any chancellor,

But these crude lying animals need affection, care and esprit de corps,

They remind me of Stalin, Hitler and the local whore,

Their desire for cash is not their fault I’m sure,

Just as I positively feel there is no cure,

We ought to assassinate some… and then some more!

No Solicitors or Lawyers were harmed in the creation of this Ode… Pity!

Some of Inchcock’s Annoyances last week

Some of Last Weeks Annoyances

The hearing-aids hid themselves, once again,

Lost me Co-op card, another pain,

Little Inchy bleeding and leaving a sticky stain,

More laundry to do, but I don’t complain,

Phones Steve Age UK, BJ and Sister Jane,

None of them answered me, all calls were in vain,

The solicitor lied to me once more, they’re inhumane,

My confidence in them now disparaging and slain,

Fire alarms two, the lifts broke down again,

Of mending me heating, the Council are uncertain.

–

Thursday I dropped me dinner on the floor,

Bent down to pick it up hit me head once more,

I went the NHS drop in centre to get cream for the sore,

But they had closed down, so went to the chemist for some more,

The bleeding must be stopped that’s for sure,

The chemist applied a ligature,

Yet this day there was to be more!

Shame on my part, as I broke the law,

Fed the pigeons, got a right lecture like never before,

To the policeman for mercy I did implore,

He let me off, and I went home feeing guilty and furthermore…

Fell over in the bedroom right onto the floor!

I just don’t care any-more!