The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Security Career Woes
Guarding the Turkey Farm Episode
I was posted one November, to a farm near Kinoulton in Nottinghamshire, assigned to protect the Turkeys being fattened in time for Christmas – of which many had been nicked by the naughty Nottinghomians.
As usual the assignment instructions were vague and lacking in detail.
When I arrived, it turned out I was required to drive between two location throughout the night, and try to count the Turkeys to ascertain if any had been stolen, and secure the premises and report it if they had.
One site was on the farm, and had 50 birds, the other site was at an old graveyard the farmer had bought, and was using temporarily as a hold for the birds, this one held 38 birds.
I was given an old Land Rover to do the patrols in, and offered the use of a kitchen in an abandoned cottage to get refreshments, and do my ablutions.
The farmer said he would be checking with me regularly throughout the night.
Counting turkeys is not easy.
I found the best way was to creep silently as possible up on them, and count them from a distance. Once they were disturbed, it was all but impossible to count them.. and the noise!
On about my third visit to the graveyard site, I could count only 49 birds, so I radioed in with the details, and parked under a tree to observe the site for a while in case anyone was still on site or might return for more birds.
I counted them again after about half an hour – and found there were now 50 birds!
Confused, I was determined to sort out this anomaly, and again counted them, 49 this time!
I entered the gate, and disturbed the noisy birds, in an effort to assess just how many there were. As I was doing this, the owner arrived and we did a count together – there were 49 again this time!
He joined me in the Land Rover to observe the site. He offered me a drink of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey from his quarter bottle. Tempted as I was, I had to refuse.
He told me that he too had found different counts during the same day.
We entered the fenced off graveyard once again to count them, and that was when I saw the mausoleum top, and broken down door in it!
The Turkeys had been going down into the vault, making the count vary!
The farmer was well pleased, and we drove back to the farmhouse, and he fed me with bacon, eggs, and home baked bread, with a strong cup of tea! Thanked me again for sorting it out, and was very happy.
I returned the next night for my duties and checked the mausoleum gates and doors first – and detected some movement in the darkness from the top of the mausoleum, being fit and foolish in those days (Nowadays I’m just foolish) I climbed up onto the top, RT in hand and found two turkeys clambering around.
I was relieved that it wasn’t an intruder, but puzzled as to how they managed to get up there – and how was I to get them down again…?
As I stood there pondering about these things a solution came all on its own accord…
The roof collapsed and me and the turkeys were transported downwards landing inside the building… When the dust had settled I made out the shape of the farmer as he stood over me.
I was no longer in favour I could tell, then as I tried to stand up the coffin I was unknowingly standing on disintegrated… the farmer was no longer happy.
Not one of my best nights in the Security industry that…
Dreamt of working in a security gatehouse with other officers and trying to get out to do a patrol but everything stopped me – forgetting keys and codes – getting lost on the gigantic spread out site – being RT’d back to the gatehouse – sinking in the mud… ended up trying to climb a fair wheel, no idea why but fell or got lost on it every-time… weird but I think I’ve had this dream or one similar before?
Got up latish 0630hrs – made a cuppa took medications and put water heater on – started this diary up to here.
Noted we had a red sky this morning through the drizzling rain. Red sky in the morning – Shepherds warning as me Dad used to say. That reminds me, I’ve got a shepherds pie in the freezer.
Titivated myself then got the laundry things ready.
Made up the nibbles bag for the launderette girls and BJ.
Set off to the launderette, chatted up Griselda (Another failure there) and set about doing me washing.
Taking out me bag with the book, lavender scented soap-bubbles, softener and drier balls I became aware of an extra strong scent of lavender present – the bubbles had burst and soaked me book into unreadability! I was on the last chapter too… Curse!
Then BJ noticed that none of the six machines belting away had any water in them and called Grizelda, who at first seemed puzzled then realised she had not turned the water on – so several customers were not happy.
The driers took £3 this week – we think the owner had cut down the time or temperature on them.
Just a bit of fun added to this photo
BJ and I had a natter and when we were a lot worse off financially and the washing was done BJ put all the bags in his car and we set off for Asda.
Some incident had occurred near the school and we were sent away on another route by the nice policemen who seemed to really appreciate having their photograph taken…
We arrived at Asda and parked-up at one of the almost full Disabled Parking Only Bays – BJ checking the cars out to see if any able bodied louts had parked there.
I should mention that BJ is a registered Disabled Blue Card Badge holder.
We split up to do the shopping and I made for the gardening section and got some pots of weed-killer first thing. Why do I always think of George Osborne when buy weed-killer recently?
Then I spent a fortune… microwaveable beef ribs orange juice, mousses, yogurts, bleach, mini Swiss rolls, burgers and frankfurters to mention a few.
I went through the self-serve checkout and had to ask for help a few times. Thus attracted the well known expression from the girl that said “Why do these old twits come in here?”
We were soon back at the dump and BJ handed me the bags from the car and shot off, me thanking him profusely for his help.
WC’d.
Put the clean laundry and nosh away… all bar the microwaveable BBQ ribs. I ate them with a cuppa and some bread.
A letter arrived, it was the results from the INR Warfarin level tests – far too low so I’ve got to go back again on Thursday for another test.
Still emitting wind coughing and sneezing a bit today. Although it’s hardly worth mentioning the passings of wind I’ve had them for so long now I almost expect them and am learning to accept the olid, noxious aroma that they distribute. I can’t try charcoal tablets because they may absorb the other medications I’m on?
On the bright side (What’s that?) no blood from the rear-end although sore, Anne Gyna has been very fair to me today, Arthur Itis as normal, ulcer no bother and the cut lip is healing well.
I realised then I’d not taken me bits to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop in Sherwood. Tomorrow if Iceland is not too late I’ll take them I hope.
I didn’t get to sleep for yonks last night despite me exhausting walk wot I took to the Arboretum yesterday.
Woke up well tired still.
WC’d.
No tablets to take due to me error in taking me morning lot last night… confusing meself now.
Laptop on to finish and post yesterdays Diary and started this one.
Thought through me tasks for the day:
QMC INR level tests at the haematology department. Must get the nibbles packed up for the nurses, Record-card already in crossword book in bag.
Meet Pete at noon at his bus-stop.
Get back and sort things for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop and take them in.
Got myself cleaned, medicated and polished and set off for the walk into town.
Oh boy shiver me timbers and cor blimey governor was it raining? Is the Pope a atholic? It was belting down!
I had a ponder for a while: Should I get a bus into town and pay £2.50 for the pleasure? (It was well too early to use me pensioners bus-pass). Or should I risk walking and hope the rain eases a bit?
I decided to risk it as well as keeping Arthur Itis’s joints moving thought it a good idea.
Whatta-mistaka-to-maker!
I was well wet within a few hundred yards of me walk – the rain had started to fill me bag, (Luckily the nurses nibbles were well wrapped up in an Icleland carrier bag) me new shoes were leaking, and halfway up the hill the floodwater was unavoidable by the buses and several unpleasant drenchings took place.
I just hoped that the rain would not get through me new coat into me mobile phone and/or camera.
Out of desperation I used me Pound Shop umbrella, that dripped (Obviously) into me bag, down me already soaked legs and me shoes like.
I squelched on into town and caught a bus out to the hospital within minutes.
Getting from that bus into the hospital (About 400yds) through the torrent of rain that decided to come down as I got off the bus was not nice. I got in though the entrance to the foyer area and had to shake off as much rain as I could before going in proper, as did many others.
Me poor old tweed Andy-Cap was absolutely drenched and I decided not to take it off cause I knew from experience that putting it back on again would be farcical.
I got to the haematology and only one person was there and I was in, gave them their nibbles, blood taken and out in a matter of ten minutes tops.
The rain had eased a lot when I came out and crossed over the road to catch a bus into town to meet Pete.
When I arrived in town I realised that it was far too early to wait for Pete in the rain and rang him to see if he could come any earlier – as I didn’t fancy going back to the bomb-site then coming out again to get re-soaked. He said no, he’d see me at the agreed time and I should go in a cafe for a cuppa and wait.
Fair enough I said. But no way was I gong into a cafe for a cup of so called tea… have you ever found one that served tea that didn’t taste like warm brown distilled water?
I was outside Jessops department store so thought I’d go in and have a wander around in the dry and warmth. I went up to the top floor and started working me way down nosing at things and pretending I could afford them like.
They had some artwork on sale but nothing that attracted me, not my style really – apart from one piece that is of a stone built cottage in the hills of somewhere or other that I thought was a decent effort, a very decent effort… then I saw the price of it… £120 (USD$184.45, CAD$229.98, AUD$237.17 Euro€161.74, JPY ¥21860.95 a little too much for me..
Pete rang back to say he was on his way and would be there in fifteen minutes, then I had find me way out of the store? It took a while… Tsk!
As I poddled down the stairs I found that through the windows I could take an overview shot of the crossing on Milton Street below – so I took one to the left of the traffic then one to the right of the crossing.
I think they show the weather as it really was although the rain had eased off by then a bit.
Got out into Victoria shopping mall and made me way to the exit and passing the Thornton’s store I espied some chocolate shaped like a Champagne bottle at £5 a go and thought sister Jane would like one for Easter maybe, so I went in and bought on. The young chap asked what I’d like writing on it… I must have given him a confused look and he repeated himself slowly. Then it dawned that they write a message of one’s choice on it in white chocolate… I got there in the end (Attracting the now much used “Poor old devil” look from him. I asked him to put Jane and some kisses which amused him but he had the nous and manners to turn around before laughing. (The tell-tale sign was his shoulders going up and down yer know… hehehe)
I met Pete and he said Jane wanted to know where the shop was that got the seasoned roasted seaweed for her, so we had a poddle around for a bit. We passed where the 19 year old lad had been murdered and there were hundreds of floral tributes on the lampposts. So very sad I decided not to take a photo out of respect.
The Chinese shop on Goose Gate was an Alladins Cave to Pete. We got some seaweed and then went to another Asian shop around the corner – but what a difference, mouse droppings, out-of-date stuff on sale and staff that looked and leered like they were tongue members.
I left Pete at his bus-stop but not before he took a photo with me camera of me with a wet barren atmosphericalisional background.
I poddled to me bus stop and caught one back to Carrington, calling in the public gents on the way.
Back in Carrington I popped into the Co-op and got some bread-thins then hobbled in the rain to the dump.
WC’d, kettle on, laptop internet on, made a flask of good strong tea and set about creating this diary.
Too late to take the stuff to the hospice… well I mean too wet really.
During which I realised I’d not taken a photo of Jane’s Champagne bottle that I meant to earlier. Huh! So I rang Pete and asked him to take one and email it to me please.
He did bless him, he took two: Here they are.
Notice the brickwork in their front room, spot on and classy – yer can see Pete was a brick-layer can’t you.
I yet again sprang awake at 0520hrs this time, passed me morning medication time but still.
WD’d, then made a cuppa and a pot of porridge and took the medications.
Spent a good few hours trying to get my head around Serif Draw x6 without much progress. Doing lines on text involves many more steps than in Coreldraw9 and to delete a guideline needs six steps opposed to just selecting and pressing delete in Coreldraw.
Got missen washed and brushed up and set off on me walk to the Nottingham Arboretum to see the mallards and pigeons.
Around the first corner at the end of the street I managed to avoid whoopsiedangleplop on some Canine Nottingham Street-Art, presumably designed with the assistance of their pet hound – judging by the ‘Spread’ of the artistic blobs the owner must have been in a rush and forcefully pulling the poor thing along?
The view looked like somehting out of an old black and white picture as I wended me way through the jitty onto Mansfield Road.
Sneaking some seeds to the pigeons as I whistled and looked up to the sky – then saw yobboes lurking near the passageway so took the long route as I didn’t feel too comfortable about the three lads drinking and shouting about something or other.
As I was walking down the road a 1962 Ford Zepher passed by, saw it coming so had time to grab me camera to take a photo of it. Gloriously memory tweaking seeing that, they were converted for Ford by Farnham Estates and very few were made. A rare treat to see one nowadays, and the engine sounded in good nick too.
So I looked ahead and took a photograph of where I had to walk to get on me way to the Nottingham Arboretum.
Straight on to the traffic lights on the corner of Hucknall Road in the distance on this photograph.
Got to the traffic lights and took a photo of the next stretch of Mansfield Road down to the traffic island at the junction of Gregory Boulevard alongside the Forest recreation ground.
A fair but of traffic around considering it is a Sunday.
The weather still a bit gloomy, but not me. I was feeling surprisingly perky at this stage, the ailments not too bad… apart from the angina but I can’t have it all ways can I now.
Pressed on singing away to meself to traffic islands and turned right.
To the pedestrian crossing you see in the picture and crossed over it and started to walk along the side of the recreations ground.
Where they are building something new for the kids, it might be football pitches perhaps.
Took a photograph of the piles of grit and sand stacked all over the old field because I thought how they looked like mole-hills… Giant mole-hills. Hehehe!
As I turned to carry on me walk no less the three police cars belted passed en-route towards the City Centre with their Blues & Twos activated.
A few yards further along Gregory Boulevard I turned down a path into the recreation ground, seeing these cars parked where they were, you can understand it, the sign is not big enough and they are Nottingham folk after all said and done!
Bless em!
I walked passed the cars and into and across the Forest ground on the footpaths you can see int picture, and up the hill to the right.
Half way up i stopped to catch me breath a bit, but moved n without resting as a rather large dog on its own was coming up behind me and showing its teeth!
Up the path opposite almost to the end of it and then I turned right up an old cobble-stone path steeply rising to the top and Waverley Street.
As I looked up the path I began to regret taking this route a bit… but the cobble stones first erected as a road surface must have been designed so the horses could get a good grip when pulling drays and trams on the main roads.
Damp as it was, I didn’t slip on the hill at all.
When I got to the top of the hill Arthur Itis knees were complaining.
It was not too cold and there were very few folk about anywhere up here on the hill top.
I had a look at the memorial plynth for the local WW1 soldiers lost.
It’s been renovated and looked almost new – I fear with it being out of the way vandals may visit it soon with their grafitti or worse.
But I was soon recovered and crossed over and down Waverley Street passing the tram stop for the Nottingham High School buildings.
“Ah… this is better!” I thought, downhill to the Arboretum gates.
Still uncommonly quiet, so much so it made me nervous, bearing in mind I was on my way down this hill to go into the place where I was mugged last year.
Shudder!
No one about at the entrance to the grounds (Mind you there wasn’t last August either).
I emtered and started to walk down towards the duck pond and saw several squirrels on the grass near some bushes.
I took some photos but for some reason they all came out very smudgy and blurred. A bit disappointed with that, but the least bad one I’m posting here – if you could have seen them with your own eyes you’d have been fascinated like wot I was I think.
They seemed to be playing with each other like children.
Sorry about the quality or lack of I should say.
I walked through the trees where I was set-upon intentionally so as to break any lingering fears I thought.
Hobbled (And by now I Was hobbling) Down and around to the ponds edge and despite everything felt grateful that I could still get about and so many interesting things for me to do locally – but mostly so glad I had remembered me free pensioners bus-pass to use to get home later.
I opened me bag of meal-worms ready for the Mallards and got the seeds ready for the pigeons and walked around the pond to the spot where they can get out and to the food easily.
I fed the little mites getting joy and satisfaction from dong so – I’m easily pleased.
I’m amazed at how well the mallards always seem to get on with the pigeons, cause mallards are not known for their passive nature are they?
The Aviary had now got some birds in the cages, no idea what they were but they had attracted a good few folk sat watching them.
My final visit in the Arboretum was to my favourite few square yards of unkempt land near the gates at the bottom of the hill end.
The wild flowers that grow here get me admiration for how they not only survive but seem to flourish against all the odds.
Nature at its best this patch.
I walked into town down Waverley Street and along Shakespeare Street on my way to Tesco to see if they had any cheesey seaweed in stock.
As I passed the Central Fire Station I looked up at the building – not a good idea as it happened and I stubbed me toe on the kerbside – Cursed, and .replied I was okay thank you to the kind young man with the gloves on who asked me if I was alright.
Called into Tesco, they had one packet of me seaweed left so I snaffled it.
As I came out to go to the bus stop I caught another Nottingham pavement cyclist and a few more Nottinghomians crossing the road against the lights at the same time. Naughty!
Caught the bus back to the hoppit.
Met neighbour who told me that a coach of visiting students had been attacked by a gang as it drove through Broxtowe earlier today. That might have been where the police vehicles I saw were going?
Got in the dump, WC’d put the kettle on and WC’s again? Oh dear…
I had six microwave sausages and some instant mash, followed my a lemon yoghurt.
WC’d, then started to update this diary.
Then made a big faux pas.
I took me morning medications in mistake for me night medications, well six of theeighboum before I realised. Then took me night medications with the Warfarin, but avoided those that were to be taken morning and night if yer see wot I mean like? – Tummy-ache within half an hour but still here. Tsk!
Must remember tomorrow INR tests (I’ve already put me record card in me bag ready so I don’t forget it again) Then I’m meeting Pete at 1200hrs at his bus stop in town.
Nottingham News to encourage tourists – February 2015
Comments in green are by Inchcock
Shanay Walker murder accused pleads not guilty
A woman accused of murdering her young niece and cruelty offences has denied all charges against her.
Kay-Ann Morris, 24, from Nottingham, is charged with killing Shanay Walker, who was found dead at a house in the city’s Bestwood Park area in July.
Ms Morris, of Beckhampton Road, is also accused of cruelty to Shanay, in 2012, along with the same charge against two other children, in 2011.
A second woman has also been charged with cruelty towards the girl.
Juanila Smikle, 53, of Easegill Court in Top Valley, Nottingham, has been charged with cruelty to Shanay and to four other children, dating back to 2011.
Both women appeared at Nottingham Crown Court earlier, and were remanded back into custody.
A trial date has been set for 15 April.
Horrendous!
Inspectors criticise Nottingham prison violence and poor conditions
Three wings of prison had to be locked down for three days because of ‘prisoner ill-discipline’, report reveals.
Emergency measures had to be taken to stop Nottingham prison from spinning out of control because of unrest among inmates last September, inspectors have revealed.
Nick Hardwick, the chief inspector of prisons, said that a week before a snap inspection in September, three wings at the prison had been locked down for three days “because of what the governor described as prisoner ill-discipline”.
Get caught for the crime – do the time… no longer applies it seems.
Nottingham paramedics quitting as stress levels reach crisis point
It comes as stark statistics reveal that the number of paramedics resigning and taking days off work with stress has nearly doubled in the last four years.
A total of 87 paramedics have resigned their posts already this financial year, with 6,325 calendar days also taken off work with stress – a huge rise from 47 resignations and 3,151 days off in 2010/11.
And health experts say the workload in the service is just not sustainable.
Not glad to read this in my condition…hehehe
Crackdown on Nottingham’s problem with illegal cigarettes
Bootleg, counterfeit or smuggled cigarettes sold cheaply line the pockets of crooks.
And Jane Bailey, trading standards manager for Nottingham City Council, said: “There is an issue with counterfeit cigarettes in Nottingham and we are working with our partners within the police and Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs to tackle the problem. We would always urge anyone tempted to buy a packet of cheap cigarettes from a dubious source to think again.
A criminal activity surely brought about by the Governments over-taxation of the tobacco products?
Mansfield murderer Susan Edwards loses appeal
A woman who spun a web of lies over 15 years after she murdered her parents and buried them in their own back garden has lost her appeal against her 25-year minimum sentence.
Susan Edwards and her husband Christopher, killed her mother and father, Patricia and William Wycherley, in Mansfield in 1998.
They then spent the next 15 years living off more than £280,000 of the dead couple’s money and creating an ‘elaborate charade’ to make people believe they were still alive.
The pair were jailed for life at Nottingham Crown Court in June, after being found guilty of the murders, and were ordered to serve at least 25 years each behind bars.
They should not have been given an appeal surely?
Three men arrested after a city centre fight which led to the death of a man have been charged and are due to appear in court
Muhamad Adnan, 22, of Middleton Boulevard, Nottingham, Callum Levi Ibrahim, 22, of Belfry Way, Edwalton and Azeem Khan, 28, of no fixed address, will be at Nottingham Magistrates Court on Tuesday morning.
The arrests were made following a fight in Thurland Street, just before 4am on Sunday morning, in which Joshua Bradley from Bulwell died as a result.
A 24-year-old man will appear at crown court, charged with the murder of Bulwell boxer Josh Bradley.
Richard Johnson, of Belton Sreet, Hyson Green, appeared at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court on Thursday February 12.
Wearing a baggy plain white t-shirt, dark blue trousers, and with his hair in dreadlocks, he spoke only to confirm his name, date of birth and address.
Johnson, who turned 24 just two days ago, stared at his feet, as the judge read the charge.
I wonder if found guilty, will he be given a suitable sentence? Oh of course not, we don’t hang murderers any more do we… just give them a few years being fed and free of financial worries for them then let them out to kill again…
Nottingham ‘loner’ jailed for home-made grenade
A loner who lives with his parents has been jailed after police found a home-made grenade in his bedroom capable of exploding and injuring people.
Andrew Bird was sentenced to two years at Nottingham Crown Court on Wednesday, February 11.
The device, containing more than 100 pieces of metal, was found when his home was searched by police investigating him for harassing a 21-year-old ex-girlfriend.
As a result jobless Bird was convicted of harassing her and given a suspended prison sentence.
Nasty piece of work – a suspended sentence – Huh!
Shoplifting mum fined after stealing twice from Sainsbury’s
A mother-of-two has been fined for shoplifting twice from the same supermarket.
Sabrina McLean, of Longmead Drive, Arnold, stole alcohol and food from Sainsbury’s in Arnold last month.
The 30-year-old pleaded guilty to theft at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court and was fined £75 with £60 costs.
Marlene Domrynski head of the Nottingham Police Retail Crime monitoring team said: ‘In January we had an increase of 65% in shoplifting in Nottingham, this is pushing our resources to the limits.’
It’s rife nowadays!
Shoplifter spared prison and given chance to reform
A former heroin user has been given a chance to reform despite shoplifting weeks after being released from prison.
Gareth Freestone, 34, stole two bottles of aftershave worth £50 from Wilkinson in the city centre on January 22.
He pleaded guilty to theft at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court yesterday asking for 18 previous shoplifting crimes to be taken into consideration and was given a 12-month community order, where he must carry out 120 hours of unpaid work. He must also pay £150 costs. Freestone, of the YMCA in Shakespeare Street, was last jailed in November for a similar offence.
Defending, Emma Wyborn said he had previously used heroin but had been clean for five months. She said he stole the items to pay for “everyday things” as his benefits payments had been complicated by his time in jail.
Reformed?
Nottingham Serial Thief
A serial thief stole more than £1,000-worth of goods from shops over the course of four months – as well as stealing hundreds from his 87-year-old grandmother’s bank account.
David Brooks, of Manor Road in Eastwood, appeared at Nottingham Magistrate’s Court yesterday after admitting a total of 14 offences, including 11 thefts.
The court heard that the 34-year-old had stolen items such as perfume, joints of meat and a set of knives from shops in Eastwood and Giltbrook between September and January.
He had also stolen £380 from his grandmother’s account using her bank card, and admitted one count of fraud by false representation.
Brooks also pleaded guilty to two counts of failing to surrender to court bail.
Sentencing him to 22 weeks in prison, suspended for 18 months, chairman of the bench Keith Burd said: “We’ve given you quite a good deal. I want you to be under no illusion that if you fail to comply this time, you will not get a forth chance and you will go to prison.”
Scum!
Nottingham murderer still on the run.
Convicted murderer Mark Stoner-Seed is still on the run more than a week after absconding from jail – despite a nationwide manhunt.
The criminal, who torched a Nottingham house, killing a teenage girl and severely burning another woman, has been missing since Friday, January 23.
He had been released on a temporary licence from a prison in South Gloucestershire, but failed to return.
The 52-year-old is originally from Bestwood Park, and killed 17-year-old Christina Bunning when he set fire to a house in Forest Fields.
I’ll keep me eye out for him…
Two thefts from pay and display machines have been reported, one in broad daylight, in The Park.
Thieves plundered a pay and display machine by the Ropewalk at 3.15pm on January 11 and a theft from a machine at the same address was reported at 10.07pm on February 9.
In the local area crime update from Nottinghamshire Police, it was reported that a “serious number” of tyres were slashed overnight in The Park between January 28 and 29.
A burglary, two thefts from vehicles and another theft were all reported.
It was also reported that a “serious number” of tyres were slashed overnight in The Park between January 28 and February 5th.
Four burglaries, two thefts from vehicles, one mugging, one stabbing an attempted rape and another theft were all reported.
Sprang awake at 0300hrs – urgent call to the porcelain replied to. Only a bit of blood this morning.
Sat there and some bits of memory of me dreams came back, so I wrote em down and put the laptop on to start this diary and record them.
I was lost in no man’s land on a battlefield, possibly a WW1 one – totally unconcerned at the shells and bullets falling all around me… I was looking for a bus-stop… fell down a shell hole crater and seemed to land on a subway station that was filled with American dressed folk – but all the people were talking in a tongue I didn’t know and I could not ask for directions as they didn’t understand me… I took a pork pie out of me pocket to eat and everyone stood back in shear panic… a policeman came up and shot me in the chest, I told him that wasn’t very nice was it? He then hit me with his baton and put gloves on and took me pork pie – I found myself in a very large American holding cell with tough cookies giving me the eye and closing in all around me, I passed wind and they all collapsed onto the cell floor and I was to be electrocuted as a punishment but no one could find the outlet to put the plug in to charge up the ten-slice toaster they had to execute me with – then I was in a submarine?
Hey-ho.
After finishing yesterdays diary I made a cuppa and took me medications then did some Facebooking and graphicalisationing.
WC’d.
Went down to make another cuppa and suffered a slight ‘Whoopsiedangleplop’ down the last three steps of the stairway – it could have been a stairway to heaven but I somehow managed to grab the rail in time, of course that meant I had to drop me tray with me cup, swabs, cutlery and milk on it… what a mess!
After checking on me knocks, cut lip and bruises I cleaned up the mess, swore and made another cuppa.
Returned to me laptop and finished titivating an old graphic about Frank Jordan for his birthday and posted it to Facebook.
Put some gel in me sore lip, and Phorpain gel on me knees and hands, and cream on me bottom.
Arthur Itis not too bad at the moment, even Anne Gyna is in a good mood too!
WC’d.
Made a cuppa and started to install Seerif Draw x6 on me laptop.
Had my midday medications.
Installed okay, then I read the manual £14.99 (Just that it was in such small letters) combined with online help and started to get used to using it.
Original Coreldraw9 graphic
WC’d.
Managed to import an old graphic and toyed about with it to get used to option etc. and posted them side by side on Facebook. The orignal graphic and the one redone I’d doctored today – while I was mildy pleased with the results, it took me flaming hours to do with the earning curve stuttering here and there like if yer know what I mean.
Doctored using Serif Draw x6
I’m still unsure if I’ll be capable of mastering Serif enough to to create things from scratch like I can on Coreldraw9 when it lets me and doesn’t keep crashing.
Well weary after all that concentrationing.
Had a beef pasty and microwave chips fer nosh, then continued me self-teaching lessons on Serif x6 – tiredness forced me to stop.
Took me evening medications with a drink of spring water.
Had a shave and did me teggies, then ran a lovely hot bath with Radox, antiseptic disinfectant and washing up liquid in it – why you may ask washing-up liquid… I knocked the pot into the bath when I got in, Huh!
A good scrub up and cleansing took place then I soaked for a few minutes before the often excruciating getting out of the bath procedure took place, accompanied by the usual verbals like, Argh… Ohohhohhhooo, Argh! Carefullll, and Ouch!
Struggled out and just about to feel a bit proud of the effort when I felt me glasses break as I trod on them.
I swore.
They must have fell off the WC where I’d left them easy to hand like, but of course I didn’t hear them fall.
I dried myself off noticing how me wobbly bits were getting markedly more wobbly. Applied the dermatological cream all over, the haemorrhoid cream and Phorpain gel on me knees feet and hands.
Back on the laptop to do this diary to date.
Too tired to do much now, tried to watch an old Boon episode on YouTube – after I think it must have been the forth time I nodded off I gave up.
I fell asleep (at last) early last night – sprang awake at 0300hrs and for the first time in ages could not remember having any dreams.
WC’d, bit of blood from the rear. Knees and hands not to bad with arthritis, ulcer okay, angina a touch bothersome and ticker beating away like a good un. The escapages of wind continue unabated however.
Made a cuppa, started laptop and finished yesterdays Diary and worked on some graphics and facebooked a bit.
Took my medications aware that I missed last nights so I can expect a bit of bother of some sort today. Tsk!
Must remember to ring Sister Jane later to confirm what time she wants me to meet her at her bus-stop in town to go with her on her appointment at the Queens Medical Centre.
Also must take out bins for collection, call at the GP to collect prescription and after going with Jane, I must call at the chemist for me monthly medications.
Rang Pete early and confirmed he and Jane would be going and I could meet them at 1315hrs at their bus-stop in the City Centre.
WC’d.
Made another cuppa and had a pot of porridge. (By gum I live well)
Forgot to take me bin out – Tsk!
Titivated myself and set off remembering to call at the GP surgery for me extra prescription – which they took a while to find, it was with my monthly prescriptions that the chemist had not collected yet. Hey-ho. I took them all down to the chemist as it was on me walk into town anyway.
Bit drab this morning with the odd spot of rain but not too cold at all.
As I was half way down Mansfield Road from the cemetery I thought how sad the row of shops looked across the road.
I pressed on and got into town and made my way to Argos to see if they had any mini-cookers in – they hadn’t – so moved towards the bus-stop where I was to meet Jane and Pete, and noticed yet again the Nottinghomian’s habit of ignoring traffic and pedestrian lights as they crossed over the road against red lights again. No wonder the cyclists on the pavements don’t interest them.
Had a go at me crossword book while I waited in the bus-shelter for Jane and Pete.
They soon arrived and we walked to catch the bus to the QMC.
We set off and were soon at the hospital, very early for Jane’s appointment but they still came and took her in for the x-rays (That’s not the word she used but it I’ll forgotten the word).
Jane was out in 6 minutes and we were out walking to the bus-stop to get back to town and I took a photo of them.
Pete took one or more of Jane and me on his camera phone, I’m still awaiting him to email them to me.
In town I walked them to their bus-stop and had a poddle to Friar Lane and the Asian food shop, where I got some of the cheesey seaweed.
Then walked through the slab square in the city centre where the Nottingham Wheel was being well used, despite the rain now a little heavier.
I think I might treat myself soon and have a go one it to take some photographs?
Two police vans were outside Primark again. Shoplifter?
Walked up to Victoria centre the Trinity Square where I got a photo of some ‘bling’ in the jewellery shop window for the TFZ gals, much to the consternation of the lady inside.
Yet again as I passed the lights on Upper Parliament street the precious little Nottingham citizenry were still crossing against the lights.
Caught the bus back to Carrington and hobbled to the dump, got to the door and realised I’d not collected me prescriptions from the chemist – just as the rain got heavy again. Limped to the chemist and collected me sack of medications and returned to the hovel. They said they couldn’t get any of me Trental blood release tablets but would have some for me on Monday.
WC’d.
Sated me hunger pangs with 2 beef slices, a tin of potatoes and followed them with yoghurt and a mousse.
Laptop on, took me medications and started to update this diary.
Again I have a feeling I’ve forgotten something today…?
Didn’t get off to kip until gone 0300hrs despite feeling drained.
Up at 0517 hrs and WC’d, bleeding from the back-end.
Started laptop and took me medications.
Staying in today until or if the Serif-Draw package is delivered.
The knees were bad, and the wind from all quarters chronic really never ending. I’m thinking of calling at the Army & Navy surplus stores for a gas-mask for misssen? But all other medical ailment not bad at all, even Anne Gyna is behaving herself.
I phoned sister Jane to see what time I should meet her tomorrow to go to the hospital with her, bit of support like cause she don’t like going bless her. Hubby Pete said he could not go with her because they had the fish being delivered on Friday and he had to wait in for it.
I finished and posted yesterday’s diary and did some graphics, but Coreldraw9 crashed again.
The DrawPlusx6 package came though the letterbox – I was anticipating a courier delivering it and it being a lot larger because I’d ordered a manual with it, it was just a CD along with the very thin manual. When I’ll get time to install it and learn how it works I’m not sure.
I titivated myeself and got the Nottingham Hospice things in me bag, visited the porcelain and set off on me walk into Sherwood
I managed about six yards and realised I’d still got me reading glasses on, so returned and got me bi-focal spectacles on.
I poddled down to Mansfield Road and
turned left at St John’s Church to find some brand new Nottingham Street Art just before the bus-stop.
As I was photographing this original piece of Yobbo-art I espied a burke-on-a-bike approaching so managed to get a shot of the git coming – being reprimanded – and going.
I quoted loudly my usual “If you’re too scared to ride on the road you shouldn’t be on a bike youth!”
His one word reply reminded me I’d got a visit to the genito urinary clinic coming up soon.
Onward up the hill, down the hill, and up the next hill into Sherwood and the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and left me bits for them.
I called in the take-away food shop and got something to take home and reheat later – chicken in batter and roast potatoes £3.50 and very tasty it was too.
As I came out of the food shop there was an altercation going on between a group of chaps that was getting verbally heated with all the signs of it about to develop into physical violence showing.
I hobbled away and stood to watch them from a safe distance.
No idea what language they were speaking in such anger, Eastern European of some sort I think.
The police arrived and one of the officers spoke their tongue and that seemed to calm them all down.
I moved on down the hill and continued me walk back to Carrington.
Outside the Methodist Chapel… no they call them Churches nowadays, in my younger days the Primitive Methodists called them Halls or Chapels, the new sign caught my attention and made me ponder on it. If only it were true we would be a lot wiser.
Got back to the hovel and reheated and consumed me nosh – lovely it were.
Tiredness and fatigue overcame me again and I soon fell asleep. Missed both me midday and evening medication doses today… oh dear…
At least I managed to get some kip in – not before time either.
Marissa Bergen-Kruel PsyD and PhD, Hard Rock and Dancer/performer, and Inchcock’s nemesis, the head honcho at the the David Levine Psychoanalyst Unlimited group of Medical Professionals, West Riverside Bank, Burbank CA, who the NHS had called her in at phenomenal cost to help them to analyse and understand Inchcock problems said:
“The study evaluated the ability if 5 different fear classification procedures to discriminate between 3 fear levels and to correlate with 6 commonly used dependent measures of fear. A standardised fear assessment procedure was administered on 2 separate trials to Inchcock. Following the completion of the assessment trials Inchcock’s were scored and regrouped according to 5 fear classification procedures (behavioural – self-report – skin conductive level – skin response amplitude and heart rate.
Then I and my assistant and body guard, retired mouse-droppings counter at McDonalds, Mike Steeden made intensive investigations and interviews with Medical and Emergency staff who have in the past had to deal with Inchcock while trying their best to keep a professional approach. With the aim of filtering out Inchy’s past history and appraising the answers individually and accumulatively to form the basis for a report, after we have interviewed and interrogated Inchcock ourselves.
After utilising the mammoth records on Inchcock that the NHS held we found several professionals who had been unfortunate enough to have been chosen to treat Inchcock’s many ailments. Ex-Social Worker and Nuclear Physicist Shirley Blamey who had treated Inchcock for depression and lack of social nous a few years ago was asked if she could remember any of the problems he’s been suffering with then and did she manage to help or cure any of them.
She pondered a few moments and said: “Oh Gawd… yes. He’s still a virgin you know, but his lack of experience, minuscule appendage and rampant uncontrollable emissions of wind from his rear quarters meant I had to try something new, different and a little under hand to help him”.
I asked Shirley if she would like to go in the in the Dog & Fiddle for a drink while we carry on the interview and she agreed.
I ordered myself an absinthe and dandelion and burdock and Shirl had a single malt on the rocks and we continued the interview: “Ah yes” quipped Shirley “the Inchcock saga – you see I thought if he could get used to women actually liking him… well believing they did, he could gain some confidence and be interested in learning how to treat them see…”
“Sounds a gigantic challenge that Shirl girl” I said as I snapped my fingers at the cute bar man demanding two more of the same here, Shirl continued “Oh it was, I had to put into place a convoluted plan, I pretended to be a woman who fancied him and sent him some emails and letters…”
“Go on, go on…”
“Well in me last email I asked him to send me a photo of his lower regions like… cunning eh?”
“Why’s that then?”
“Well if he did send one I could have a good laugh at it… no no I mustn’t be cruel it’s not his fault is it?… Gerrum in again gal…”
“Alright Shirl” my fingers snapped at the by now even more cute looking bar man and she carried on with the story.
“Well do yer know he sent me a photo…”
“No!”
“Yes”
“Was it of his…”
“No” Shirl interjected “It was of his Arthritic knees!”
“Bloody hell, and they expect me to help him?”
Marissa Bergen-Kruel PsyD and PhD, Hard Rock and Dancer/performer, and Inchcock’s nemesis, and head honcho at the the David Levine Psychoanalyst Unlimited group of Medical Professionals, West Riverside Bank, Burbank CA will be reporting more on her exploits with Inchcock’s ailments and her other interviews with medical professionals for their views and story’s to follow.
Nottingham pensioner Juan Inchcock (69) retired Sanitary Towel machine oiler and filler-upperer , well known locally for his hatred and ridiculing of cyclist on pavements, mad mobility scooter drivers and soggy chips has been invited by Radio Nottingham’s Shirley Blamey to have a chance to answer questions phoned in directly from Nottingham cyclists and mobility scooter drivers on the air.
Station Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden had originally objected to the BBC management at having to include Inchcock on the show.
Marissa Bergen (Left) interviews studio Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden.
Mr Steeden explained when our reporter Marissa Bergen interviewed him: “Due to the well known flatulence problems the old chap suffers with, his temperamental bladder, his uncouth appearance and lack of social skills, his falling asleep when one is talking to him, I can’t understand a word of his thick Nottingham accent…”
He paused to get his breath a moment and continued “If he falls down he can’t get up again – and he does a lot of that… falling down. A health and safety risk he is… He can’t hear what one is saying even with his hearing-aids in, he’s blind as a bat, wonders off at a whim, if he sees a pigeon or mallard duck we’ve totally lost him!
Marissa squirmed and said: “You don’t like him do you?”
“Not a lot” Mike replied “He’s as thick as two-planks, uneducated and limps about Nottingham taking photos of pigeons, mallard ducks on the canal, cyclists on the pavement, what he thinks are dangerous mobility scooter drivers… in fact the twit is trying to get up a movement to get Government to bring in driving tests, insurance requirements, alcohol content tests for the drivers and is currently designing a ‘Stinger’ for them that he can and says he will use? He’s potty…”
At this point an assistant came into the room and handed Mr Steeden a note, which he read and pondered on for a short while, then told the assistant: “Tell the boss I agree.”
He turned to face Marissa and quipped: “Of course it takes all sort to make a rich colourful mix of citizens in Nottingham and I have to show a magnanimous side in the job – so I’ve decided to allow Shirley to do the interview with Inchcock, but we must get Inchcock in for a ‘Set-the-rules’ meeting. Any other questions Ms Bergen?
“Er… no.. I…” Mike left the room rapidly calling for his assistant as he left?
A confused Marissa put her things back in her bag and noticed Mike had left the note brought in my his assistant on the table, so took a peep at it.
It seemed that Inchcock had promised goodies for Mr Steeden if he did the interview, including his collection of ‘Parade Magazines’ 1958 > 1962.
Mr Steeden and Ms Blamey arranged to meet Inchcock for the ‘set-the-rules-meeting and they took publicity photographs outside a strangers house for the press, because they didn’t want to show Inchcock’s house and him getting letters of sympathy from the public.
The discussion didn’t go well at all – Inchcock was so besotted with Shirley and passing wind continuously his concentration was non-existent. They has to hope for the best and arranged for Inchy to come to the Nottingham Radio station at a specific time for the interview.
Plans had to be made protect the staff there during the interview and they all met to agree on the best defence and Shirley came with a mock-up of a Swedish Anit-Germ Containment unit with a cardboard cut out of Inchcock in it to show her idea off.
They all willingly agreed to hire one on the day, nervously…
On the morning of the interview Inchcock arrived in plenty of time, but was unfortunately he was still wearing his pajamas.
Much to the horror of Shirley and started his hands wandering where they should not be wandering, being unable to control his passion and desire for her.
Being the ultimate professional Ms Blamey belted him on the back of his head and threw him out, telling him to get back home and change into some normal day wear clothes. She arranged transport for him there and back to the studios. Kindly making sure he had his bus-pass with him first.
Inchcock looked a little hurt and sad as he wiped the blood from his wounds and left the building, head down to catch a bus home to his flea-pit.
As he alighted from his bus a mobility scooter very nearly had him over and an uncontrollable hatred raged as he dragged the driver from the scooter to give him a jolly good belting around his head and admonish him for his careless driving…
The man head-butted Inchcock, threw him over his shoulder onto the pavement and kicked him in the head a few times then hit him on his forehead with one of the two dozen bottles of 8.4 proof Apple cider from his mobility scooter shopping basket while cursing loudly.
The paramedics attending Inchy told the press that Inchcock would not be in any fit state to do any radio interviews for quite a while yet.
Shirley and Mike were cheered-up no end when they heard.
