Rare afflictions and diseases (Updated) to be weary of

Disease: Philargyristalisation (Coveted money loving, greedy git)

Osb07SymptomsWhen sufferers find their parents, MP Uncles and Aunts leave them a fortune in stocks and shares, overseas investment, property, and a Bank, that they will never have to be employed or work in their lives. They will end up lying, conning and cheating along with their fellow Etonians at running the country, and lining their own pockets even more. The Chances are those most affected, will end up becoming the First Secretary of State and Chancellor of the Exchequer for the UK. Not only this but they will be able to appear in front of thousand of voters at a sports occasion and get booed at for over five minutes and they can just stand there, smiling benignly, totally unconcerned.

Most at Risk: Those in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likely to be found anywhere. Those who are Christened George Gideon Arthur Osborne are most at risk of Philargyristalisation.

Area’s most affected: Affluent areas with a low crime history thanks to the Chief Constables, Judges, MPs and Banking magnates also living in the area.

Named Disease: Deipnophobia – Fear of dinner parties

NCCwalk05Symptoms: Panic attacks, Gluttonisation, Fear of embarrassment, Getting the correct Cutlery usage mixed up with eating with your hands. Passing wind at the dinner table.

Most at Risk: Lottery winners, those marrying into Royalty, and those on Benefits for life.

Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome

NCCwalk01Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect. No job prospects. Evicted from your home. You use the last of your dwindling savings to apply to the Lithuanian Government to emigrate there, the you come back and get enough benefits to live on.

Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections. Those over 60 who have been made redundant four times in the the previous four years.

Areas most affected: The North – Midlands, and Outer Mongolia.

Named Disease: Spooninthegobatbirthness

NCCwalk03Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude that develops in Spooninthegobatbirth sufferers, cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially. Backhanders, blackmail, bullying, lying, hypocritical cons abound, expense fiddling flourishes, and perspicaciousness dissipates from their vocabulary and mind.

Most at RiskRoyalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable George Osborne MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, now Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Areas most affected: The top 10% of the ‘Well-off’ of the population.

Named Disease: MSTG (Monetary Cystitis Tight Gits)

CL drinkjpegSymptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you. They will always find something more important to spend the money they have from muggings, robbing, housebreaking and other activities on, rather than repay any debts they have. Creating false debtor of their own, they pursue, mostly elderly infirm bloggers to try and extract some dosh from them. Most of them seem to support West Ham United.

Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, Motor engineers and Taxi Drivers.

Areas most affected: Nationwide, but London seems to have rather a lot of the more aggressively affected of MSTG sufferers.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia

DuncMonkSymptomsA sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans. Often sufferers can be found, from those waiting desperately for their retirement and release from work.

Most at Risk: Birmingham immigrants from Scotland, Brin surgeons and LibDem Party leaders.

Areas most affected: Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease: CDA (Compassion Deficiency Anemia)

NCCwalk04

Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else. These patients ad sufferers of CDA, didn’t start out to kill or be  the reason for millions of peoples death. It’s just that they found they liked it.

Most at Risk: Most predominant nowadays in Parliaments/Governments, and Lawyers offices, although can be  to be found anywhere.

Areas most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: CCYCacospysy (Irregular pulse)

Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.

Most at Risk: The poor.

Areas most affected: The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease: EDD Early Decrepitude disease

NN02Symptoms: A sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.

Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.

Areas most affected: Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.

You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

Named DiseaseA.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)

MikeDrinkSymptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else, and worrying how others not addicted can manage to get through their day.

Most at Risk: Council house estate families with apprentice muggers under the age of eight, the unemployed, Lib-Dem politicians and supporters, NHS patients and Junior Doctors, Bloggers, Pensioners over 70, Drug addicts under 70 and Post-natal females from Lithuania. 

Areas most affected: Anywhere in the so-called free world.

The Department of Health’s Mental Disorder Minister has asked Inchcock not to publish his article on the disease; ‘CMPIA’ Crooked Members of Parliament In Abundance.

Inchcock Today Sun 28 Feb 16: Another day of beautiful skys

If you see a Lawyer passing your car while riding a bike,

Why would you Not, run him over?

CG poorly2

It might be your bike!

******

Sunday 28 February 2016

I burst awake at around 0220hrs, fretted a few seconds, then realised the heinously detestable dream I’d been having had not real; Boy was I glad about that! I was sweating and aching all over, and wrote down some notes straight away; Just as well I did, because by the time I got to writing this diary, so many of the details had drifted off into the ether.

I had got a job, in an immense conglomerate of a site, that seemed to have all the machines and offices that I’d ever worked it, and people I knew, but couldn’t name or link to anywhere.

The dream started in an office for the interview; and they seemed glad I joined them, then into a canteen with hundreds of four seater tables. Then someone came up to me and cursed me for not being in the loading bay to record something on the log? Then I was running all over the place searching for the loading bay.

Then someone told me when I asked them, where the bay was; On the roof?

Why I don’t know, but I went out of the complex, when I eventually found the way down and found myself climbing along the outside of cliffs, that turned into different types of buildings further on. The brickwork crumbled and somehow I clung on, then started mountaineering upwards and came to an inferner lift device, one for up, one for down.

Here I had the job of taking kids out of the dodgem sized scoops that came up to where I was, and throwing them into scoops on the downward section of the lift/hoist? The ankle snappers were each giving me much grief, some picking my pockets, some kicking me in the knees and privates and some throwing sweets at me! I had to keep climbing onto the rails and down or up to free the scoops when they jammed?

Not sure what happened then, but I found myself back at the complex, searching for an office I could not find. At times, I had to tackle climbing along sticks on the walls?

Boss’s kept chasing me and telling me this or that needed doing.

Then I was back on the coastline cliffs on the roofs of cottages with decaying tiles, desperately trying to catch some burglars who kept stopping shooting at me with I think, water pistols, it felt like they loaded them with bleach, it syng so much.

A bonkers dream, but frustrating all the way through.

The reflux valve was giving me some hassle this morning.

To the porcelain, to find ‘Little Inchy’ had been bleeding while I was sleeping. 

Cleaned him up then made a cup of tea and got the laptop on.

Did yesterday’s diary and started this on off.

I had to rush to the WC Throne, during which I passed an emission of extraneous wind from the rear quarters, that must have shown as about six on the Richter Scale. This started the haemorrhoids bleeding away. Tsk!

The reflux valve was causing breathing difficulties now. Humph!

biJoyceI spent many hours creating a graphic for the Troll Free Zone members.

Not one of my best, but I was glad to get it finished and posted.

Decided to get a cuppa, have a good soak in the bath, and take a walk into the park and try to get some interesting photographicalisationing done.

Going for me ablutions and medicalisationing of all quarters now. Hehe! Then get ready for my little walk.

Back in a bit, I hope.

1500 hrs: I’m back. Got the laundry going and started to read my book. Some folks coming and going had a natter or two or three.

Moved the clobber into the dryer the net off on a walk around Woodthorpe Grange Park.

P1050085On the way up the hill behind the flats to the park, a new tree had been planted, with this plaque at the foot of it:  “In Memory of David Alex Gillett (My Darling) Loved and Missed so much”. 

Felt myself swell up a bit.

Very touching.

P1050088Got to the top of the hill, and there were plenty of folk about today, football matches, pavement cyclists, screaming ankle-biters and yobboes lurking about in little gangs.

It was cold again too.

I walked along the top towards the footpath back down to the flats, and near the copse, I noticed a squirrel going across the mud and grass, then up one of the bare trees.

P1050086 P1050087

Got the camera out and tried to take a decent shot of him or her, but it went even higher, so these were the best I could manage to get.

This is the first squirrel I’ve seen for weeks. Do they hibernate?

Down the gravel footpath back to the flats, and had another read of me war book.

Then the foyer got busy with other tenants, and I enjoyed some more quick gossips in between.

About 30 minutes later, the dryer finished and I took out the washing and returned to the flat.

Put away the cleaned items. Got the lamb shank simmering in the saucepan. And took the two rubbish bags to the waste chute.

Made a cuppa. Changed into my slippers and put the dressing gown and sleeveless gloves on, it was getting really cold now. The forecast is for -3º c tonight.

P1050089Garden peas in the pan, made the gravy with the juice from the peas and got the fodder served up.

Had some potato cakes (Just out of date but still). 

Put food in the small bowl and had a great time eating nd enjoying it. 

Rated this 9.62/10. Great flavour! 

I must try to get some more of those lab shanks tomorrow after going to the doctors. They are nearly all bone, but the taste is excellent.

Medications were then taken.

Shoe cleaning completed.

Bath enjoyed.

TV on and fell to sleep!

Inchcock Today Sat 27 Feb 16: Whoopsiedangleplops started early today. Humph!

BusstopRain

Saturday 27 February 2016

Woke around 0245hrs, I was on the floor with my feet up on the mini-foot stool, wrapped in the new giant luxury throw. I ached all over, and could not remember getting down onto the floor?

I can only assume that I had gotten the cramps and got down so I could keep my feet up higher resting them up on the mini ottoman? The legs muscles were a bit tight and sore, but the foolishness of getting down meant my back and neck were in agony, well almost. And as for getting up again; What a performance! I had to roll over and crawl painfully to the chair to enable me to use it as a tool to help me get up on my feet. The back pain was nasty.

When at last I was up; the dizzies came over me, for the first time in weeks, Tsk!

Made my way to the kitchen and took the usual medications and some extra painkillers.

To the porcelain, after using the throne (No bleeding this morning though), I began to feel a lot better, the neck had eased off a lot, the legs were not too good, but assuredly better than when I woke up. The back pain remained with me, though.

Soon I was singing away to myself, as I limped back to the kitchen and made a decent good strong cuppa.

P1050081The view from the kitchen window, with the reflection on light from the door, prompted me to try and take a photo.

Which I did, with the Lumix camera. I thought the way the light from the doorway appeared on it looked a bit different like. A white hole, well rectangle? Hehe!

Laptop on and finished yesterday’s Inchcock Today and posted it.

Made another cuppa, passed wind, swore when my back gave and twinged, then back to the WC on urgent business! The urgent business took longer than anticipated, but no bleeding. By the time I’d erm… performed the necessary functions, the tea had gone cold, so I made another cup.

CG poorly2During which, I managed easily to drop the new milk jug as I took it out of the fridge, catching it on the shelf. Then I had to clear up the mess on the floor and inside and outside of the fridge. I cleaned the floor first, then as I cleaned the fridge, I dropped a jar of beetroot, unlike the milk jug that didn’t break, this did! Another right mess to clean up and start the back off hurting again!

Ah well, let’s hope that is the end of the Whoopsiedangleplops for today. He says with crossed fingers.

Had a bash on Facebook, then checked the emails and started to compose new headers for WordPress posts, using CorelDraw.

Had a scrub-up and the things ready for the laundry. Down the worryingly noisy lift to the laundry room.

Got the washing in and it was so cold in the foyer, I went back up the till worryingly noisy lift to the flat and put my gloves and a hat on, collected my book so as to have a read while waiting for the dryer. Back down on the worryingly noisy lift and got the things into the dryer.

Some residents came down to catch the bus and a good chinwag and gossip ensued, I enjoyed that.

P1050039The folk departed to catch the bus, and I had a read of my book in between checking on the dryer status.

No one about anywhere now, no one coming or going for ages.

Then the lady (I’ve forgotten her name again, Tsk!) from number 78 on the same floor as myself returned from her trip out. A lovely lady with loads of ailments including bad arthritis and he seems to cope in a similar mode as I do. Always a smile on her face. We had a decent gossip, bless her cotton socks.

P1050083Then I popped outside to take a photo of the copse near the garages beyond the flats.

I’d planned to have a walk around the complex, but it was so cold, I returned back inside to the foyer.

Shivering!

Malcolm from to flats away came down and out  in his T-shirt, and went out to greet his grandkids and son who were visiting him. Brrr! He returned with four ankle snappers, his son, and his daughter in law in tow. Good job he lives in a double flat innit?

Got the togs out and in the bag, and back up the worryingly noisy lift which has now developed a new ‘pinging noise’?

Put away clothing and got the kettle on.

Updated this diary, then got on with the updated Ailments and Diseases post. Took a good while, still not finished it yet.

Sinking feelings came over me along with the weariness. (The weariness is coming sooner each day lately).

Made some sandwiches, took medications, TV on and collapsed in the chair.

Woke up with a start around 0215hrs.

Inchcock Today Fri 26 Feb 16

BusstopRain

Friday 26 February 2016

Up at 0335 hrs, wide awake and hobbling as rapidly as I could to the porcelain. The tender tingling pains from Little Inchy en route indicated that I had some medicationalising to do. I was right! Humph!

Still hating myself for missing yesterday’s Community Hut Meeting, I made a cuppa and took the medications.

Started to clear up the things on the draining board from making yesterday’s delectable meal; I dropped a glass saucepan lid, that hit the floor, bounced back up and cracked me on my arthritic knee, as it went down again and landed edge first on my corn – then rolled and settled under the wall heater. When I bent down to retrieve it, I hit my head on the corner of the heater, swore, and as I got up the back went into agonising spasms that left me in pain with it all day! But, thinking about it, I most likely deserved it for missing the meeting yesterday? Gawd, I feel so guilty about that!

Got the laptop on to finish Wednesday’s diary. During which, I received and responded to several calls to the porcelain; Oh dear!

I must get down to the Co-op store in Sherwood today and get some of their Blitz paper towels while they are on offer, two rolls for £2 at the moment. I have some in stock still, so to speak, but like to keep ahead of the game with these, because the usual price is around £1.50 each. They are marvellous for DSCN0052cleaning the bath with, and using as a first towelling off after having a bath. Saves me having to wash so many bath towels. Proper little housewife (Well, single male flat dweller), I’m now becoming now I’m in me flat like, aren’t I?

Went to make another cuppa and take an extra Codeine Phosphate 30g, and suddenly became fixated with should I have Vegemite or Marmite on my toast tonight?

I’m pretty sure I’m going a bit pottier than usual todayLosing it in a pretty big way, but it had to come, as my Dad used to say; “You’re not adequate enough to live a successful life, so make a good job of your death. Oh, and don’t take a wife!” I never did understand that?

Priorities seem to be getting moved about in my head? Perhaps the end is nigh?

CG poorly2Still, if it is time for my departure, there will be some benefits, oh yes!;

You can all, help yourself to my stock of Blitz Towel Rolls. (See later)

Then there will something for folk to remember me with, as they clean their toilet bowls and windows? Hehehe!

I managed to regain a modicum of sanity and started this diary off.

Checked the emails then did some Facebooking and much graphicationalising.

Hours later I got an enjoyable bath and readied the things and myself for the walk into Sherwood. I got one of the high-quality Asda two for £10 jeans on. Not much room in them, Little Inchy might complain later, Hehe!

P1050078Set off in the misleading sunshine, shivered and hobbled down to the shops on Mansfield Road in Sherwood.

Taking a short cut through though the leave lined streets I passed where the builders were building four new luxury homes, ‘Coming Soon’ the sign said.

Hardly a brick in sight yet. Plenty of wood, though?

Called in the haberdashery store and checked out their Throws available. I was after a larger and thicker one for me 1959 Leather old fashioned easy chair wot I fall asleep in every night.

I got one, a brown one that suited the job, £20, very warm too. And it hides the hole that’s appeared on the right arm of the chair and stains from where I spilt the wood dye when I was treating the walking stick to a bit of renovation, which turned out more expensive that I thought it would.

£7 for the wood dye for the walking stick then had to throw away a saucepan after dropping the can and some spilling into it, £106 for replacing the spectacles I broke when the chair arm collapsed, £15 for the first quilt, that was not big enough, £20 for the second quilt, Tsk!

Up the road to the Continental shop and got a half-loaf of Latvian Sweet and Sour Rye bread. (I’ll try almost owt nowadays?) It was made in Peterborough, Complaints address in Huddersfield and the company was registered in Berlin.

Further up the hill and got to the Co-op, and tried to get some of the Blitz towels on offer at £2 a two-pack. I couldn’t carry too many as I had the large Throw to carry. Not that this mattered, they had put them back to full price; £3.65! Swines! – But it’s my fault for not getting them earlier innit? Yes, guilty as charged!

I left empty handed, to the suspicious glances of the Security Guard. So, no Blitz towels for you to grab when I snuff it, sorry. You’ll all have to fight it out for who gets any of my four cameras then? Word of advice here, don’t fight for the small Canon one, the battery cover is broken. The big Canon and the Lumix are the best. The little Nikon one is nice too.

Got to the bus-stop to check if a bus was due, and had about 15 minutes to wait. I had a natter with a sweet old dear also waiting; I think she fancied me because we compared walking sticks? Hehe!

Then when the bus arrived and I got on, I left an unfortunate aroma behind as a little ‘plop’ of an escapage of wind came out as I mounted the bus.

Back at the flats and remembered the parcel for the lady next door that someone had left outside her door, that I took into the apartment for safe keeping. (The parcel, not the door). So I fetched it and knocked on her door and handed it to her.

P1050080Put the kettle on for a cuppa, and then got the new ‘Throw’ and tried it on the ailing 1959 Leather armchair in the living room.

Very snug and cosy! It looks messy, but that’s alright, I got it for its warmth, not cosmetic value.

Note how I’ve gone for a minimalist and easy to clean design? Bottled water, newspaper, pen, TV paper, footrest and walking stick all handily placed? Just thought I’d mention it like.

P1050079Set about getting the fodder ready. I was suddenly feeling a bit ‘done-in’ for some reason. Put a steak pie in the oven, beans in the saucepan and seasoned them, when they were both done, I added the last of the boiled spuds from yesterday. Some Irish Batch bread, that was so nice.

Rated this overall at 8.8/10. Well, I’d spoilt myself with the lamb stew and lamb knuckle over the last two days.

Sat down and that was basically, the end of the day, put the goggle box on and fell asleep within seconds!

Woke up in the dark. Forced myself into the bathroom for a titivation, ailment creaming and the use of the porcelain. Changed into my night attire and took the medications.

I made two slices of the Latvian Sweet and Sour Rye bread and covered them with Vegemite. Nice!

Back to the living room. Selected a couple of programmes to watch.

Fell asleep, woke up around 0115hrs laying on the carpet with the throw over me? Not the foggiest recollection of doing this? Stayed there. Zzzz…

Inchcock Today 25 Feb 16: Went on WordPress Premium – Damn it, I forgot Community hut meeting today!

Thursday 25 February 2016

3of3SAt

Hard at work?

I stirred into life at around 0300hrs. Lay thinking about the dreams I’d had. Fell back asleep, woke up around 0600hrs and forced myself up and to the bathroom.

No hiatus’s in the ailment department, just coughing and sneezing as I passed almost life threatening emissions of wind.

Made a cuppa and took me medications, onto the laptop, and decided to upgrade my WordPress thingamabob to Premium.

A fat lot of good that did me! I expected the font list to appear in the editor, but no. I have to keep going into Appearance, Fonts and selecting a font from the miserable choice there each time, not knowing yet if this will affect the previous posts or not?No Dutch fonts in there anyway. 

No Dutch or Goudy fonts in there anyway. The font colours were the same, with an option to add Custom colours, where you have to use a colour wheel to pick the one you want, and when I do another post, you have to pick them all over again?

Maybe it’s just my lack of education preventing me from grasping things, but I feel so disappointed with this after paying out more dosh!

There is an option under the normal Text type box appeared, to select ‘Preformatted’, but I can’t find out what that means or is.

When I select it, the text comes out like this; Preformatted?

Tsk, huh! And Humph! Still, I’ve got more memory for storage to save me deleting any more of my graphics I suppose.

Cash and time spent just getting myself annoyed and frustrated with my lack of brainpower, computer programming and education. Help! Hehe!

DSCN0048I went back to the kitchen, made a cuppa, passed more wind and shot to the porcelain. Phwoar, nearly gassed missen! Hehe!

Back to finish making my cuppa, and saw how beautiful the view was; despite the temperature in the flat being only 55º F.

Then trapped my finger in the drawer as I closed it.

Deerhat1It had to be the finger I burnt yesterday in my culinary experimentations with the Lamb Stew, Huh!

Finished yesterday’s dairy off and got it posted.

Must get some Facebooking done, I didn’t get to do any yesterday with getting home so late from Sister Jane’s posh house.

1000hrs: I’ll do it now I think.

1035hrs: Facebooking finished.

Hurriedly carried out my constitutionals, ablutions and took a bath. Nothing pernicious found.

As I left the flat, I met Malcolm from next flat to one, and he said for me knock on his door when I return and he’ll have a look at the TV to see if he could sort out for it to show the CTTV in the flats entrance for me, bless him.

P1050076Got out just in time to catch the L9 bus to Arnold.

Dropped off on Front Street and did some unnecessary random shopping and spending again. Tsk!

High above the great clouds lingered once more in the pretty blue skies. I wondered how long they would last.

The Fulton food store had some bargains I could not reject or deny myself; Two lamb hocks for £2.99 well in date and baby carrots at 39p. 

I decided to have one of the lamb joints tonight and add the remaining bit of the minced lamb stew and some potatoes to it. Salivating at the thought I was, honestly.

I moved on, and nipped in a discount hardware shop and had a good meander through it. Buying, even more; A colander, stick on hooks, and a strainer.

Across the road, and up to Asda, calling in the Menswear section first. They had some jeans at two pairs for a tenner (£10), so I indulged myself and got some.

DSCN0049Then, I was off to the food sections and made for the bread department. Here, I did go overboard a scintilla: 6 Potato Cakes, a loaf of Wholemeal Irish Soda Bread and a pack of 6 slices of Irish Batch Bread all for £2.80.

Thoroughly ashamed of myself, I set off for the bus stop and waited for the arrival of the last L9 bus, back to the flats.

P1050077En-route, the astounding clouds continued to amaze me.

When I got to the flat, after staying awake the whole journey ‘Smug Mode Adopted’, I Visited the WC, then knocked on Malcolm’ door.

He came over an hour or so later and spend ages trying to get the CCTV channel on the set for me without any success. Shame. However, he did get the East Midland programmes on for me, including Nottingham TV. So now I can get the weather forecast for where I live as opposed to Birmingham. Hurrah!

He showed me how to choose the programmes I wanted to appear on the remote’s Guide listing. I’ll have a go at that later; if I remember that is. Sad!

I got the potatoes boiling and updated this diary.

Had a cuppa and took the medications.

Got the Lamb shank on the boil.

Put the potatoes in another pan to keep them warm.

As  I was making the Nosh, I remembered I should have gone to the Community Hut Meeting this morning! I’m bitterly disappointed with myself now!

DSCN0051I had the nosh and a half, it took a lot of preparing, but it was so nice and tasty, it was all worth the effort.

Rated this one 9.59/10, the lamb shank and mince,  could still taste in the morning.

Mmm!

I toyed with the channels on the TV Malc had adjusted. So, now I have Nottingham TV and East Midlands Channels.

Watched some programmes, falling asleep during each one; Heartbeat (Nodded off at the first commercial break, missed the last 45 minutes altogether). Road Wars (Nodded off many times, missed the ending). Hetty Wainthrop (Managed almost to the first break, missed the rest of it), and Jonathan Creek (Didn’t get to the first break even!). Huh!

Inchcock Today Wed 24 Feb 16: Up early, visit to Sister Jane

If a Vampire bites a Lawyer, isn’t that Cannibalism?

*****

Wednesday 24 February 2016

41T8

Photographicalisation by Sister Jane – note how she has managed to get something growing from the top of my head? Hehe!

Up at around 0400hrs, disappointed that I could not recall any of the dreams I knew I’d had.

When I stirred, the first thought was how much easier the torn muscle was, no angina hassle either. Then as I stood up, oh dear; The arthritis was back with a vengeance! Hey-ho! Amazing, but very pleasing was how Arthur Itis had given me a rest during the torn muscle hiatus, now it is easier, back he comes? Thanks, Arthur!

Arose and to the WC, thought I’d do my teggies while I was there – blimey, more bother. The blood I spat out was coming from the ulcers and cracked lips inner gums. How come, last night there were no signs of any problem in the mouth at all? Now, tender painful and bleeding? Humph!

I got a cuppa and took the medications, then made sure I’d got the things in the bag to take to sister Jane and Pete’ mansion later. I’d rang Jane last night to get permission to go and visit them. As long as I arrived between 10 am and 1100 am, I was granted approval.

41T8

I got on with finishing the 238 Quotes by Women on Men and Men on Women post at last. Must have taken me a week to get it something like right. Still, it is a long one.

PatTrump03So, I hope it goes down well.

Patti Beckert let me know the graphicalisation done was okay, and she is to use it in a post on ‘Humor Times’.

A hilarious one too:

Patti at her Satirical best

I found it too painful to drink my tea hot, and let it go cold, so limped (And I meant limped, that damned Arthur Itis is having a hay-day, Hehe!) back into the kitchen to make another brew.

Checked the emails, got an appointment through from the doctors for my next INR blood test next Monday. Then I realised how late it was. Must get something for the cracked lips and gums on the way to visit Jane and Pete’s Palace.

Got a shave and titivated up, best I could manage, got the bag of goodies ready, hearing aids, glasses, bus-pass, mobile phone and medications, etc. all collected together. Added some fancy bread to drop in the Community Hut on the way out. (But forgot to take it)

Down to the lobby, where I met with many of the other tenants who were waiting to go out and catch the bus. Gave them some nibbles and had a nice natter.

Got the L9 bus into town, and then the West Bridgford bus to Sister Jane’s estate. There had been a nasty looking traffic collision on Trent Bridge, a single decker bus was being linked to a recovery lorry, behind it car with an SUV firmly embedded into its crushed rear end, another car just behind, and a Mercedes skewiff on the pavement.C

Continued on when the traffic allowed us to and I arrived at Jane and Pete’s Towers and was greeted without a cup of tea and had to ask for one: Very UnBritish! Hehehe!

aaaa3a I aaaa3b gave them their nibbles (Box of chocolates, Potato sticks, packet of belly pork, Indigestion cure and a box of biscuits, they gave me a jar of jam and some raw minced lamb left over from their meal), then Jane gave me some advice on how to cook the minced lamb, as she was preparing some at that time. Very helpful hints and demonstration it was too! I adopted her method when I got home later to try and make my own effort at Lamb Stew if that’s the word.

AngLater I got on with sorting Pete’s laptop, the one I gave him so he could transfer his photos from the secret watch-camera I got him for Christmas.Basically, it needed a lot of stuff removing to allow more space so he could download easier and in far less time. This took an hour or

Basically, it needed a lot of things removing to allow more space so he could download easier and in far less time.This took an hour or

This took an hour or two, but it gave me the chance to play at being a teacher. Haha!

We had a break, and Pete disappeared with my camera.Later I found he had been around the palace, taking photographs of their three remaining dynamic pensioner cats he could find. I found these photos when I updated this tosh in the morning. Nice one Pete, had me puzzled a bit at first. Got me good he did.

Later I found he had been around the palace, taking photographs of their three remaining dynamic pensioner cats he could find. I found these photos when I updated this tosh in the morning. Nice one Pete, had me puzzled a bit at first. Got me good he did.

He then produced some coax cable he had left in his garage, and but a connector on the end, and presented it to me to use to try and get the CCTV at the flats onto my TV. A neighbour two flats away said he’d come and sort it for me some time when I get the cable. Much appreciated Pete, despite all our tongue-in-cheek insults to each other, we’re good mates. Cheers.

BABL

Soon we were back on the laptop, and got it going, tried it and Pete could now do what he wanted to on it. I felt well pleased and smug with myself! It was late now, and Pete wanted to go into town to get some things, so he came with me on the bus to town.

BB-AEC renown 63He had to shoot off quickly (He’s always been fitter, taller, richer and better looking than me, but it doesn’t bother me that he is the same age, got hair and can still ice-skate, run, cycle and gets advances from women, has lived in Australia, retired at 55, had £150,000 left him by a distant relative, is an excellent DIYer, still got his driving licence and a new car and electric powered bike and is tight as a ducks arse! … oh no, good luck to the lad that is what I say). 01W01 Hehehe!

Those amazing clouds were still in the sky.

BettySingI caught the L9 bus, back to the flats.

I was as near to missing the bus-stop at the flats as I’ve ever been without actually missing it. If you know what I mean?

Woke up just in time. Phew!

WC’d made a cuppa and got on with sorting out the planned Lamb Stew dinner while Jane’s words of guidance were relatively fresh in my mind.

It was going well; I’d got the lamb in the pan, added some olive oil and warmed it through until the red had gone, drained of some of the fat, added the gravy, green beans, peas, onions and later the boiled potatoes.

BinAt this point, I came across a hiatus that may affect other pensioners who may try for their first time to create this nosh.

I would advise you to keep some antiseptic cream nearby, for when you drop an onion off your spoon when testing how the contents taste by having a nibble and drop it on the top of the stove. Remember; The stove will be hot when you pick it back up to return it to the pan and get your little finger attached to the metal ring of the hob! It’s best, to try to avoid doing this if you can!

Bling02

Eventually, the meal was ready and looking a fairly decent effort.

I rated this one, the bestest I’ve ever done!

Making this even better, was the fact that I have half of it left in the saucepan, to have tomorrow! Might try some chips with it next time?

Had to rate this shot at lamb stew at 9.65/10.

Tiredness loomed as soon as I sat down after doing the dishes, where I stayed for hours, only getting up to go to the porcelain a few times, nodding off, waking, nodding off, waking…

Inchcock Today Fri 23 Feb 16: Fings going alright for once – I should not have said that, should I?

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print!

*****

BusstopRainTuesday 23 February 2016

Shot awake at around 0300hrs, the TV still flickering away, headphones still on my head, the wind howling outside and in urgent need of the bathroom porcelain.

Stood up, overjoyed at how the leg gave me so little defiance in this effort. Anne Gyna was giving no bother, the Reflux valve was sticking just a bit, and Arthur Itis was very kind to me. It concerns me when I wake up feeling good like this because history tells me I’ll pay for it later? Hehe! As I set off on the long eleven-step walk to the bathroom, I pulled the wire of the headphone with my foot – clunk the mug and mobile phone clattered onto the floor. I bent down and retrieved them, still no hiatus from the leg or back?

Sat there on my throne, I decided to get a shave then. BJ is coming to lift me to the launderette around 0800>0830hrs. So I’ll have to have a bath earlier than usual (Remember I left the hot water tap running last night so couldn’t have one then, besides I fell asleep, Humph!). Hoping it will not disturb my neighbours, I’ll have it around 0715hrs, that should give me time to get the things ready for BJ then.

Deerhat1When I came out to go to the kitchen, (All of at least eight-paces), I actually remembered I’d selected to keep my hearing aids in Auntie Kath’s fancy China pot thing. I got the idea from some of TFZ gals who responded to my photo of it on Facebook.

Well chuffed with oneself, this morning I was… up to now, no agony from the ailments, not forgetting where I’d moved the hearing aids too; this can’t go on I thought? Haha!

CG poorly2I made a good strong cup of Punjana tea and had my breakfast while setting the laptop going to finish Monday’s diary off and start this one.

I’d left the headphones I use for the laptop out on the 1967 G-Plan sideboard where the laptop sits proudly awaiting its next break-down. This prompted me to listen to some music on YouTube. There, the first thing I saw was on the history – ‘Gossip Calypso’, Bernard Cribbins – Argh! The flipping thing came back into my head again. I opted to listen to a compilation of Frankie Vaughan songs, 200 songs on it, all memory provoking stuff. Won’t have time to hear them all mind this time. Ah, ‘He is started with ‘Gimme the moonlight’, nobody could sing this like Frankie. ‘Tower of Strength’ the next one, just like I feel this morning for some reason. Tower; definitely brings back some memories of my lustful days of youth. Margaret her name was, another one I lost. Hey-ho!

Email from Patti. Set about doing another graphicalisation that suited her better and got it sent off via email.

Started to work on a humorous post about ‘Comments and Quotes on Women and Men, by Women and Men. Then realised the time; oh dear, I just had time to get a wash, before BJ rang to say he was on his way.

Forgot my hearing aids, but too late to go back up the lift to collect them, or I might miss BJ.

P1050046I walked to the end of Chestnut Walk and waited for him to arrive. The view from the corner was magnificent with the lighting as it was.

BJ scooped me up and off we went to the launderette in Carrington.

He helped me with the crosswords, and I managed a good gossip with Mandie.

P1050047Back to his house where he popped in for a few minutes, and then off to Asda (Walmart) for some Trousers, because I ripped mine this morning in getting down to clean the bits I’d left in the oven. Tsk!

I found just one pair of trews the size I wanted, so got them. Then had a wander around getting a bit of a nosh in. Spent some more cash today, £36.01! Mind you I did get the trousers didn’t I, £9 there, and I got a DVD that I hadn’t known about for £5, Tremors 5 Bloodlines. I saw Tremors 4 years ago and had such a laugh at it; I hope this one is funny too.

We were soon back at the flats where BJ dropped me off, bless him. If it wasn’t for Duncan and BJ, I don’t know how I’d manage at times.

Up to the flat, five letters had been delivered. Two for Margaret the previous tenant, two advertising bumph and one informing me I have an appointment at the clinic rearranged fro the  6th March.

Made a jolly strong cup of tea while singing Frankie Vaughan’s ‘Green Door to myself, took the midday medications, passed wind, and got the laptop on.

Updated this load of manure then went on facebook for a bit.

Having Lamb stew and Colcannon mash with green beans today for the nosh. I’ll look up what Colcannon mash is later.

Got around to doing some more on the Ladies v Men post.

Nosh:

Lamb stew, carrots, peppers, onions, green beans (from Israel, very sweet!), and the Colcannon mashed potatoes. Rated 9.26/10.

The Colcannon mash had kale and onions in it. Rather delectable, although I’m not supposed to eat kale, there was only a tiny bit of it, and it was so nice! I dipped the continental bread in the gravy. Followed it with a pot of mandarins in orange jelly.

Got an excellent bathing and soak. Got into and out of the bath with relative ease tonight? The leg was not much bother at all; on the mend nicely now.

Fatigue soon came over me again and within minutes, I had turned into a poorly bloke again. Tsk!

Watched some goggle-box and soon went into the land of nod. Zzzz!

TTFN all.

238 Quotes on Men by Women and Women by Men!

41T8

213

1

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence – a life sentence!

2

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!

3

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!

4

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

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214

5

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes!

6

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit!

7

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever!

8

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “rings”:

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

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215

9:

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!

10

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener!

11

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that!

12

It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

13

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

14

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes!

BABL

216

15

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it!

16

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

17

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

18

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!

19

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is in self-defence!

20

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why?

21

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell!

22

A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

23

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

24

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present!

Ang

217

25

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!

26

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland

27

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

28

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. — Borge

29

Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy!

30

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

31

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!

32

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!

33

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!

34

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

Bin

218

35

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t!

36

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

37

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

38

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!

39

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation!

40

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

41

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that!

42

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd

43

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping!

44

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife!

45

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

Ang

219

46

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan

47

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got!

48

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund!

49

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller

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220

50

I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years!

51

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

52

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov

53

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

54

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way!

55

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy!

56

In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!

41T8

221

57

Joint Checking Account: a handy little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw!

58

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde

59

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible!

60

Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first!

61

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!

62

Man and wife make one fool!

63

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it!

64

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

65

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute!

66

Marriage is a rest period between romances!

67

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!

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222

68

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!

69

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

70

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

71

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot!

72

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out!

73

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

74

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!

75

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!

76

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity?

77

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

78

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man!

79

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the licence!

80

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly

81

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!

82

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife!

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223

83

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid!

84

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife!

85

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

86

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house!

87

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. —H.L. Mencken

41T8

224

88

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

89

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

90

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” — Barbra Streisand

91

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it!

92

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!

93

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I do miss him!

94

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her!

95

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!

96

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke

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225

97

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected, at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac

98

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy

99

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me!

100

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

101

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

102

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife! — Prince Philip

103

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!

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226

104

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death?

105

Spinster: A bachelor’s wife?

106

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives!

107

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” — James Holt McGavran

108

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book!

109

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother, I want to marry one who makes dough like her father!

110

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free!

111

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli

Ang

227

112

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. — Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

113

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge

114

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband!

115

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one!

116

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!

117

To keep your marriage brimming – With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, Whenever you’re right, shut up! — Nash

118

Note on the side of a van: This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!

119

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

120

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart! — H.L. Mencken

121

What’s new? Most of my wife!

41T8

228

122

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry

123

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

124

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!

125

A Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs!

126

All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.

127

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control!

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229

128

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions!

129

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing!

130

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead!

131

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters!

132

My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers

133

Sign in a marriage counsellor’s window: “Out to lunch – Think it over.”

134

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage – the fools!

135

There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

136

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!

137

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!

138

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong”!

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230

139

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

140

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married?

141

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

142

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury?

143

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years!

144

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished!

145

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!

146

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

147

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is?

148

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!

149

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!

Ang

231

150

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open!

151

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

152

I always hold hand my wifes hand – If I let go, she shops!

153

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has!

154

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker!

155

Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose!

156

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once!

157

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too!

158

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic!

159

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid!

160

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

BABL

232

161

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!

162

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!

163

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

164

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together!

165

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime, you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. — Groucho Marx

166

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” — Bill Cosby

167

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing!” — Duane Dewel.

168

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery!” — Rita Rudner

169

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers!” — Alan King

BB-AEC renown 63

233

170

It’s scary that 50% of all marriages end in divorce… it’s even scarier that the other 50% last forever!

171

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will!

172

You could be married and bored or single and lonely – Ain’t no happiness nowhere! — Chris Rock

173

I married Miss Right – I just didn’t know her first name was Always!

174

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein

175

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning! — Clint Eastwood

176

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! — Phyllis Diller

177

Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!

178

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. — H. L. Mencken

235

234

179

A psychiatrist will ask you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing! — Joey Adams

180

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person! —  Mignon McLaughlin

188

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers! — Grace Hansen

189

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. — Marilyn Monroe

190

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? – It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. — Henny Youngman

191

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do! — Zsa Zsa Gabor

192

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. — President Lyndon B. Johnson

193

It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. — Helen Rowland

194

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open! — George Bernard Shaw

41T8

235

195

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. — Jean Rostand

196

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. — Benjamin Disraeli

197

Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. — Katharine Hepburn

198

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle! —  Heinrich Heine

199

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason! — Molly McGee

200

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers! — Richard Prior

aaaa3a

236

201

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’! — Sam Ewing

202

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after sex. Forty is when you watch the TV during sex, and Sixty is when you watch the TV instead of sex! — Griselda Plunkett

203

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact! — Roseanne Barr

204

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it! — Shirley MacLaine

205

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together! — James H. Boren 

206

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner! — Red Skelton

207

After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her! — Dennis Miller

aaaa3b

237

208

I don’t know if my husband dreams in colour, but he snores in Dolby. — Melanie White

209

In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen

210

The most dangerous food is wedding cake!

211

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson

238

238

212

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring. If you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip. If you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

LyndaLSunshine

Inchcock Today Mon 22 Feb 16: ♫Gossip Calypso♫ on my mind?

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass! (Oh, sorry! – Inchcock)

Monday 22 February 2016

Around  0300hrs, a loud voice bellowed out from somewhere that at first I thought was in my dream, and then I recognised that it was in the room, and I heard it without my hearings aid in? As I focussed, it became apparent that this was the ‘Alarm Centre Auto message, telling me I had activated my Health Alarm wristlet. A bit of screeching from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. 

A bit of screaming from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. I couldn’t understand a word he or she was saying, nor recognise the accent. Luckily I have done this accidental activating of the alarm twice before, so I just said: “Sorry, caught it in error!” The operator spoke a two syllable word, whatever that was, and rang off.

Had to get up now, so much for my planned lay-in like? Hehe!

I wish I could remember the dream I was having, but cannot, just a feeling that I was enjoying it, lingered.

Ah well, I’ll make a cuppa then, took the medications. Made sure the Anticoagulation form was in the coat pocket ready for the INR Warfarin Blood Test later.

As soon as I got into the bathroom and started checking out Little Inchy (No bleeding today – yippee!), Bernard Cribbin’s Gossip Calypso song came into my mind, and it stayed there all day, I just kept singing the bits of it that I could remember repeatedly? For the younger readers, here are the lyrics to the song. I looked them up later. If you click on the Lyrics link, you can have a listen to the actual song. I don’t think they would allow this to be recorded nowadays? I loved it.

BusstopRainGossip Calypso LyricsBusstopRain

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Oh Mrs Brown, well how are you now, I tell you,
I’ve had a shocking time with Ern and his stomach
Don’t talk to me, my Charlie has gone and fallen down the stairs again,

saints preserve us
Poor old chap did he hurt himself well, not as much as
Alf that’s my cousin Freds boy I learnt from Fred,
the doctor said, he’ll have to have his kneecaps straight,

Gor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Mrs Booze, have you heard the news that woman,
you know the very fat one down at the corner
Climbed in a truck, got stuck, they think that they never gonna get her out, do tell me
Well I had a feller round and gave him a pound, to free her with an oxyacetylene welder
Must send along some books, it looks like she’s gonna be there quite some time,

Cor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Oh, Mrs Ware, I do like your hair who does it,
I go to Madame Pom-Pom round by the gas works
With all that fruit, it looks so cute, I can’t believe it, it’s really you, like a film star
Have you heard dear, a little bird has told me Mrs Tate’s expecting her seventh
Well glory be, that’s three, she’s had since Lenny had his tonsils out, cor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back!

I got the laptop on and made another cuppa. As I did, the wind was still belting into the kitchen something rotten! The wind was also escaping from me as well. Humph!

Checked the calendar to verify the time for the surgery appointment was 1030hrs. (Gossip Calypso playing in my mind. Can’t stop it now!)

Finished off Sundays dairy, and started this one off.

Did some Facebooking and got a request for a graphic – I love it when this happens, especially from Patti. It’s so good to be able to do something for those who do a lot for me. Got on with starting it. Had to get a move on so as not to be late for the GP. Patti let me now he’d like one of the characters in a wedding dress so had to change it sharpish. I decided not to print it here yet, in case it is suitable for her until she has used it.

I feel amazingly good again this morning – I expect some hiatus or Whoopsiedangleplop to occur soon. Hehe!

Got a scrub-up and Jean, the lady I lent to her to view, returned them bless her. Asked her if she wanted to have a look see if there were any she would like to see from my shelves, but she declined.

Then I set off for the INR blood test at the GP in Carrington. I met Dean Walker, the coordinator for my block of flats on the way out. Gave her the Wholemeal Soda bread loaf, that saves me calling into the Community Shed on the way to leave it for her and Obegruppenfurher Julie, the other coordinator.

P1050041As I turned right on the way to Winchester Street, a fox showed itself near the fencing. By the time I dug into my bag to get the camera and got it going, it was too late, he’d hopped it back into the gardens. Tsk!

I’d gotten half-way down the Winchester Street hill when I found myself singing ‘Gossip Calypso’ again.

I proceeded in an orderly fashion down to Sherwood, left up the hill and down the hill into Carrington. I’d like to brag at this time if you don’t mind like: It took me only 38 minutes to walk there from the flats. (Smug mode adopted).

The beautiful nurse soon took me blood in no time – but stopping the bleeding afterwards took longer than it ever has before? Oh dear!

I gave her the nibbles and exited onto Manfield Road.Where I think, I might have qualified as Britains Most Effective Vacillator!

Where I think I might well have qualified as Britains Most Effective Senior Citizen Vacillator! I walked up to the bus stop on the right to catch a bus into town – Where I changed my mind and started to walk to the left and cross the road to grab a bus back into Sherwood – While waiting for a break in the traffic to cross the street, I thought, no, I will go into town and catch an L9 bus from there to go to Sainsburys and get some cashew nuts. – Then I thought, oh blimey, BJ is coming, and I walked back to the bus-stop near the surgery. – Then realised BJ is coming tomorrow; not today, and began to waddle back to the other bus stop, and realised I should have caught the bus from the other bus stop, and walked back to it, and did so. I worry myself at times yer know!

To the accompaniment of ‘Gossip Calypso’ in my mind, I travelled into the City Centre. There had been an accident of some kind near the Post Office, and a chap was laying down near the back of a van, with worried people who had covered him and put him in the recovery position. The CPO stood scratching his arse, as they awaited the ambulance or paramedic.

P1050042I caught the bus into Arnold, dropping off as Sainsburys.

Nipped in and hurriedly got a soda bread and the honey-roasted cashew nuts I was after – very pricey, but there you are.

No guilt present!

Paid the scowling til person, and I was soon back out at the bus-stop again and caught the same bus back to the flats.

P1050043The sky was beautiful once again, even if there was not so much sunshine about. I did some cross-wording and ‘Gossip Calypso’ came less often to mind.

On the journey, the skies darkened, although streaks of lightness permeated them.

I took this photo from the kitchen when I got in; well, after visiting the porcelain. The wind around the flats seemed far worse than elsewhere?

I realised I’d forgotten to get a TV paper to replace the one I’d accidentally thrown away. Huh! So I checked on the TV listing thingy. Some good stuff on tonight as well! But I have minimum confidence in my ability to stay awake to watch those I want to watch.

Made a cuppa and took the medications.Laptop on and I updated this diary.

I’m afraid I left the hot water running again, so no bath until it heats up again after 1800hrs, and I wanted to watch a film on TV as well. Still, as I said earlier, I’ll probably nod off, in any case.

‘Gossip Calypso’ continues to come from my lips!

Laptop on and I updated this diary.

P1050045Had the urge for toast for me fodder tonight. So, I got six small brown Soda bread slices and put Vegemite on two of them, Marmite on another two, and Blackcurrant jam on the last two.

A cup of strong tea and some honey coated cashew nuts for afters.

I couldn’t decide if the Vegemite for the Marmite tasted better, not that it matters, I love them both! Wonderful!

Took the medications and tried to watch a film on the goggle-box.

I soon nodded off, waking up around 0300hrs with the TV still on, and the wind howling again! Still, ‘Gossip Calypso’ had gone… Hehehe!

Ladies: 122 Reasons why Chocolate is better for you than Sex!

The following advisory information for Women has been supplied by the WBA (Women Bloggers Association), for which thanks and appreciation, are offered.

122 Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex for Women

1:
The average piece of chocolate is at least, six inches long.
2:
Chocolates stay hard for a week.
3:
Chocolate won’t tell you size doesn’t count.
4:
Chocolates don’t get too excited.
5:
A chocolate never suffers from performance anxiety.
6:
Chocolates are easy to pick up.
7:
You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket – …and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8:
Chocolates can get away any weekend.
9:
With a chocolate you can get a single room – …and you won’t have to check in as “Mrs. Chocolate”.
10:
A chocolate will always respect you in the morning.
11:
You can go to the movie with a chocolate … and see the movie.
12:
At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
Chocolate can always wait until you get home.
13:
A chocolate won’t eat all the popcorn – … or send you out for Milk Duds.
14:
A chocolate won’t drag you to a John Wayne film festival.
15:
A chocolate won’t ask: “Am I the first!”
16:
Chocolates don’t care if you are a virgin.
17:
Chocolates won’t tell other chocolates you’re a virgin.
18:
Chocolates won’t tell anyone your not a virgin anymore.
19:
With chocolates, you don’t have to be a virgin more than once.
20:
Chocolates won’t write your name and number on the men’s room wall.
21:
Chocolates don’t have sex hangups.
22:
Chocolates won’t make you wear kinky clothes.
23:
Chocolates won’t go to bed with boots on.
24:
Chocolates aren’t into rope or leather.
35:
You can have as many chocolates as you can handle.
36:
You only eat chocolates when you feel like it.
37:
Chocolates never need a round of applause.
38:
Chocolates won’t ask: Am I the best? How was it?
39:
Chocolates aren’t jealous of your Gynecologist, or hairdresser.
40:
A chocolate won’t want to join your support group.
41:
A chocolate never wants to improve your mind.
42:
Chocolates aren’t into meaningful conversations.
43:
Chocolates won’t ask about your last lover – …or speculate about your next one.
44:
A chocolate will never make a scene because there are other chocolates in the refrigerator.
45:
A chocolate won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes.
46:
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh chocolate.
47:
Chocolates can handle rejection.
48:
A chocolate won’t pout if you have a headache.
49:
A chocolate won’t care what time of the month it is.
50:
A chocolate never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
51:
A chocolate won’t give it up for lent.
52:
With a chocolate, you never have to say you’re sorry.
53:
Chocolates don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
54:
A chocolate won’t give you a hickey.
55:
Chocolates can stay up all night – …and you won’t have to sleep in the wet spot.
56:
Afterwards, A chocolate won’t: want to shake hands and be friends, say, “I’ll call you a cab” or tell you he’s not the marrying kind, call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist!
57:
Chocolates don’t leave you wondering for a month.
58:
Chocolates won’t make you go to the chemist’s.
59:
Chocolates won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
60:
A chocolate a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
61:
A chocolate won’t fill in your crossword incorrectly in ink.
62:
A chocolate isn’t allergic to your cat.
63:
With chocolates, you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season.
64:
Chocolates never answer your phone or borrow your car.
65:
A chocolate won’t eat all your food or drink all your alcohol.
66:
A chocolate doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library.
67:
Chocolates won’t go through your medicine chest.
68:
A chocolate doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
69:
Chocolates won’t leave hair on the sink or a ring in the bathtub.
Chocolates don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor.
71:
A chocolate never forgets to flush the toilet.
72:
A chocolate doesn’t flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
73:
With a chocolate, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
74:
Chocolate won’t compare you to a centerfold.
75:
Chocolates don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair.
76:
A chocolate will never leave you, for another woman, for another man, or for another chocolate!
77:
A chocolate will never call and say, “I have to work late, honey.” …and then come home smelling like another woman.
78:
A chocolate never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt!
79:
You always know where your chocolate has been.
80:
A chocolate never has to call “the wife.”
81:
Chocolates never have mid-life crises.
82:
A chocolate won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex- nun.
83:
Chocolates don’t play the guitar and try to find themselves.
84: You won’t find out later that your chocolate, is married, is on penicillin, or likes you, but loves your brother!
85:
A chocolate doesn’t have football practice on the day you move.
86:
Chocolates never tell you what they did on R&R.
87:
A chocolate won’t ask for a promotion just when you’re up for a promotion.
88:
Chocolates don’t care if you make more money than they do.
89:
A chocolate won’t wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90:
You don’t have to wait until halftime to talk to your chocolate.
91:
A chocolate won’t leave town on new year’s eve.
92:
A chocolate won’t take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
93:
Chocolates never want to take you home to Mum.
94:
A chocolate doesn’t care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
94:
A chocolate won’t ask to be put through Med school.
95:
A chocolate won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually.
96:
Chocolates never expect you to have little chocolates.
97:
Chocolates don’t say “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy.”
98:
A chocolate won’t insist the little chocolates be raised Catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
99:
A chocolate will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything!
100:
It’s easy to drop a chocolate.
101:
You can Get chocolate.
102:
“If you love me, you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
103:
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
104:
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
105:
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
106:
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
107:
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
108:
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
109:
The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
110:
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
111:
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
112:
You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
113:
With chocolate, there’s no need to fake it.
114:
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
115:
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
116:
Good chocolate is easy to find.
117:
You can never be too young or too old for chocolate.
118:
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
119:
With chocolate size doesn’t matter; It’s always good!
120:
Chocolate does not have bad breath!
121:
Chocolate does not fart in bed!
122:
Chocolate doesn’t lie or lay-about!