213
1
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence – a life sentence!
2
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!
3
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!
4
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters!
214
5
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes!
6
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit!
7
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever!
8
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “rings”:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
215
9:
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!
10
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener!
11
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that!
12
It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
13
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
14
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes!
216
15
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it!
16
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
17
There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
18
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!
19
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is in self-defence!
20
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why?
21
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell!
22
A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman
23
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman
24
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present!
217
25
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!
26
A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland
27
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry
28
Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. — Borge
29
Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy!
30
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
31
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!
32
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!
33
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!
34
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
218
35
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t!
36
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
37
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
38
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!
39
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation!
40
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.
41
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that!
42
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd
43
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping!
44
I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife!
45
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin
219
46
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan
47
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got!
48
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund!
49
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller
220
50
I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years!
51
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
52
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov
53
If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner
54
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way!
55
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy!
56
In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!
221
57
Joint Checking Account: a handy little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw!
58
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde
59
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible!
60
Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first!
61
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!
62
Man and wife make one fool!
63
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it!
64
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley
65
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute!
66
Marriage is a rest period between romances!
67
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!
222
68
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!
69
Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?
70
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…
71
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot!
72
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out!
73
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
74
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!
75
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!
76
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity?
77
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
78
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man!
79
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the licence!
80
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly
81
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!
82
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife!
223
83
May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid!
84
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife!
85
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield
86
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house!
87
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. —H.L. Mencken
224
88
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
89
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
90
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” — Barbra Streisand
91
My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it!
92
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!
93
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I do miss him!
94
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her!
95
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!
96
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke
225
97
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected, at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
98
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy
99
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me!
100
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
101
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham
102
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife! — Prince Philip
103
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!
226
104
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death?
105
Spinster: A bachelor’s wife?
106
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives!
107
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” — James Holt McGavran
108
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book!
109
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother, I want to marry one who makes dough like her father!
110
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free!
111
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli
227
112
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. — Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
113
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge
114
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband!
115
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one!
116
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!
117
To keep your marriage brimming – With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, Whenever you’re right, shut up! — Nash
118
Note on the side of a van: This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!
119
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx
120
We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart! — H.L. Mencken
121
What’s new? Most of my wife!
228
122
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry
123
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
124
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!
125
A Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs!
126
All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.
127
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control!
229
128
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions!
129
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing!
130
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead!
131
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters!
132
My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers
133
Sign in a marriage counsellor’s window: “Out to lunch – Think it over.”
134
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage – the fools!
135
There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
136
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!
137
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!
138
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong”!
230
139
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
140
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married?
141
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
142
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury?
143
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years!
144
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished!
145
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!
146
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
147
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is?
148
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!
149
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!
231
150
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open!
151
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
152
I always hold hand my wifes hand – If I let go, she shops!
153
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has!
154
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker!
155
Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose!
156
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once!
157
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too!
158
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic!
159
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid!
160
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
232
161
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!
162
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!
163
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
164
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together!
165
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime, you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. — Groucho Marx
166
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” — Bill Cosby
167
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing!” — Duane Dewel.
168
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery!” — Rita Rudner
169
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers!” — Alan King
233
170
It’s scary that 50% of all marriages end in divorce… it’s even scarier that the other 50% last forever!
171
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will!
172
You could be married and bored or single and lonely – Ain’t no happiness nowhere! — Chris Rock
173
I married Miss Right – I just didn’t know her first name was Always!
174
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
175
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning! — Clint Eastwood
176
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! — Phyllis Diller
177
Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!
178
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. — H. L. Mencken
234
179
A psychiatrist will ask you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing! — Joey Adams
180
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person! — Mignon McLaughlin
188
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers! — Grace Hansen
189
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. — Marilyn Monroe
190
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? – It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. — Henny Youngman
191
Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do! — Zsa Zsa Gabor
192
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. — President Lyndon B. Johnson
193
It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. — Helen Rowland
194
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open! — George Bernard Shaw
235
195
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. — Jean Rostand
196
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. — Benjamin Disraeli
197
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. — Katharine Hepburn
198
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle! — Heinrich Heine
199
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason! — Molly McGee
200
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers! — Richard Prior
236
201
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’! — Sam Ewing
202
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after sex. Forty is when you watch the TV during sex, and Sixty is when you watch the TV instead of sex! — Griselda Plunkett
203
My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact! — Roseanne Barr
204
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it! — Shirley MacLaine
205
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together! — James H. Boren
206
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner! — Red Skelton
207
After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her! — Dennis Miller
237
208
I don’t know if my husband dreams in colour, but he snores in Dolby. — Melanie White
209
In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen
210
The most dangerous food is wedding cake!
211
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson
238
212
If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring. If you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip. If you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.
LyndaLSunshine
You lost me at 172!!
Sorry about that gal. X
It was a good run while it lasted.