238 Quotes on Men by Women and Women by Men!

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213

1

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence – a life sentence!

2

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!

3

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!

4

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

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214

5

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes!

6

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit!

7

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever!

8

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “rings”:

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

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215

9:

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!

10

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener!

11

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that!

12

It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

13

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

14

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes!

BABL

216

15

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it!

16

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

17

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

18

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!

19

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is in self-defence!

20

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why?

21

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell!

22

A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

23

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

24

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present!

Ang

217

25

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!

26

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland

27

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

28

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. — Borge

29

Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy!

30

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

31

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!

32

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!

33

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!

34

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

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218

35

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t!

36

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

37

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

38

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!

39

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation!

40

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

41

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that!

42

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd

43

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping!

44

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife!

45

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

Ang

219

46

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan

47

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got!

48

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund!

49

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller

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220

50

I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years!

51

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

52

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov

53

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

54

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way!

55

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy!

56

In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!

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221

57

Joint Checking Account: a handy little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw!

58

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde

59

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible!

60

Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first!

61

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!

62

Man and wife make one fool!

63

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it!

64

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

65

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute!

66

Marriage is a rest period between romances!

67

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!

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68

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!

69

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

70

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

71

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot!

72

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out!

73

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

74

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!

75

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!

76

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity?

77

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

78

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man!

79

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the licence!

80

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly

81

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!

82

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife!

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83

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid!

84

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife!

85

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

86

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house!

87

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. —H.L. Mencken

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224

88

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

89

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

90

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” — Barbra Streisand

91

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it!

92

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!

93

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I do miss him!

94

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her!

95

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!

96

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke

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225

97

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected, at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac

98

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy

99

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me!

100

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

101

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

102

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife! — Prince Philip

103

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!

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226

104

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death?

105

Spinster: A bachelor’s wife?

106

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives!

107

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” — James Holt McGavran

108

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book!

109

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother, I want to marry one who makes dough like her father!

110

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free!

111

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli

Ang

227

112

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. — Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

113

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge

114

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband!

115

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one!

116

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!

117

To keep your marriage brimming – With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, Whenever you’re right, shut up! — Nash

118

Note on the side of a van: This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!

119

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

120

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart! — H.L. Mencken

121

What’s new? Most of my wife!

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228

122

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry

123

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

124

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!

125

A Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs!

126

All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.

127

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control!

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128

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions!

129

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing!

130

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead!

131

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters!

132

My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers

133

Sign in a marriage counsellor’s window: “Out to lunch – Think it over.”

134

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage – the fools!

135

There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

136

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!

137

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!

138

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong”!

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139

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

140

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married?

141

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

142

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury?

143

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years!

144

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished!

145

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!

146

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

147

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is?

148

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!

149

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!

Ang

231

150

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open!

151

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

152

I always hold hand my wifes hand – If I let go, she shops!

153

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has!

154

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker!

155

Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose!

156

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once!

157

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too!

158

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic!

159

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid!

160

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

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232

161

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!

162

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!

163

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

164

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together!

165

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime, you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. — Groucho Marx

166

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” — Bill Cosby

167

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing!” — Duane Dewel.

168

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery!” — Rita Rudner

169

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers!” — Alan King

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170

It’s scary that 50% of all marriages end in divorce… it’s even scarier that the other 50% last forever!

171

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will!

172

You could be married and bored or single and lonely – Ain’t no happiness nowhere! — Chris Rock

173

I married Miss Right – I just didn’t know her first name was Always!

174

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein

175

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning! — Clint Eastwood

176

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! — Phyllis Diller

177

Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!

178

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. — H. L. Mencken

235

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179

A psychiatrist will ask you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing! — Joey Adams

180

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person! —  Mignon McLaughlin

188

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers! — Grace Hansen

189

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. — Marilyn Monroe

190

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? – It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. — Henny Youngman

191

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do! — Zsa Zsa Gabor

192

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. — President Lyndon B. Johnson

193

It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. — Helen Rowland

194

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open! — George Bernard Shaw

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195

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. — Jean Rostand

196

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. — Benjamin Disraeli

197

Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. — Katharine Hepburn

198

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle! —  Heinrich Heine

199

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason! — Molly McGee

200

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers! — Richard Prior

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201

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’! — Sam Ewing

202

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after sex. Forty is when you watch the TV during sex, and Sixty is when you watch the TV instead of sex! — Griselda Plunkett

203

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact! — Roseanne Barr

204

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it! — Shirley MacLaine

205

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together! — James H. Boren 

206

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner! — Red Skelton

207

After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her! — Dennis Miller

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208

I don’t know if my husband dreams in colour, but he snores in Dolby. — Melanie White

209

In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen

210

The most dangerous food is wedding cake!

211

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson

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238

212

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring. If you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip. If you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

LyndaLSunshine

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