This article was written with the specific intention of assisting any Senior Citizen/s who may move into a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Flat accommodation at the Woodthorpe Court flat complex.

The author is a male widower, with a bald head, walking stick, is overweight, 5’2″ tall, bespectacled, hearing aid wearing, boils, piles, is an arthritis sufferer, had a heart valve replacement, skin cancer, has angina pectoris, aortic aneurysm, folic acid deficiency, bladder cancer, duodenal ulcer, a sticking reflux valve, has cramps, a bleeding lesion on his miniature Inchy, taking 24 medications a day, is suffering, with partial massive memory losses, falls asleep on buses and misses his stops, has water retention in the legs, suffers perpetually between diarrhoea and constipation, has nightmares, there are no relatives to help him in his daily tasks or Whoopsiedangleplops, had no education and is very nearly a virgin, but he doesn’t like to complain like.

* * * * * * * * *

The kitchen draughts Repairs

The direction that you will find the draughts coming in through the wall, via the cupboards and drawers.

This graphicalisation does not show where the wind comes in through the window frames edges. Just take is read, that the rust holes and rotted sealing rubbers allow the intrusion of wind at all times.

Be aware that you are on the twelfth floor, so expect high winds to be a ‘No kitchen today’ ritual for you; unless you are willing to catch pneumonia, or you can afford Eskimo clothing.

You will enjoy planning your layout and trying to get everything to fit into your four paces by 2½ paces spacious kitchen.

Although, there will be no room for luxury extras, like a microwave cooker, food mixer, coffee machine, waste bins or washing machine.

After many Whoopsiedangleplops and failed calls for assistance, you should get it looking something like this on the left.

Now with a model of the cheapest of Curry’s crap cookers and the same for the fridge

Then you’ll need two days to recover from your exertions, and write a letter begging for an overdraft from you bank manager.

You will put down a dustsheet and bring in the corner display you bought in 1968, and proudly attempt to refurbish and polish it up to use in the living room. During this five-day effort, you will get tired and a bit fed-up with having to walk around it as it dries in the middle of the floor after several disappointing attempts at getting the blotches covered and polish it. it

Finally, you get it as good as it is ever going to be (Crap), and put the sprays and polishes away in the bathroom out of the way so you can clean the insides of the cupboards and drawers without the stand getting in your way.

Late in the day, and you are getting weary. So decide to have a nice bath.

Drying off after the tub is when you use the ‘Lord Sheraton’ caretaker furniture polish, in mistake for your deodorant spray.

I advise you to jump back into the bath ASAP like what I did.

You might purchase some plastic four-drawer storage cabinets, these can fit near the door to the airing cupboard that does not work at all and the assembly can be used for storing your cleaning paraphernalia.

You will spend the rest of your limited lifespan, regretting getting the drawers, as each time you pass and catch against them they wobble and the things inside get jumbled up.

The airing cupboard has bars across that you thought was a good idea after you have filled the thing up with soap powders and capsules, brushed, mops, buckets, cleaning potions, clothes, scourers, tea towels, oven gloves, etc.; You find that the bars move. As they do, all the stuff falls, they burst the door open and knock over your two four drawer Wilko storage cabinets, that then tips over spilling all your medications, tools, sewing kit, oven dishes, plastic containers and all over the kitchen floor, leaving you with a fine mess to sort out!

The bottle of antacid that broke on the way down mixes with contents of the medication pots that spilt out and joined forced with the oven cleaner, leaving you with a new designer stained kitchen floor.

Initially, at times, you may think the flat has some poltergeist or is haunted, possibly the block of flats are leaning over a bit too? This is only the wind blowing in through the two holes in the outer wall, and forcing the drawers and doors to open of their own accord. You’ll notice this is only when the winds are high, and comes through the two gigantic holes in the wall. The one in the top picture that blows through into the cupboards and drawers, and the same size one at the bottom of the wall underneath the top one.

This problem, you take to the Flat Complex Coordinator, who passes on the problem after coming to have a look, and telling you that others have it far worse than you do.

A fortnight later you get a letter from the Nottingham Home Repair Team, advising you that they will be calling in three weeks time to investigate. Of course on the day they are coming, you collapse and have to go into hospital, so miss them naturally. Two days later you return, to find a letter through the door telling you that you will be fined for non-compliance, and giving you a new date for the appointment in four weeks time.

The gentleman arrives at 1315hr on the day. Have a look around the kitchen and ‘felt’ the draughts coming in. He tells you that he can do nothing, but he will arrange a bricklayer to come and plug up the holes. A week later you get an appointment for the bricklayer to call in three weeks. Which he does; takes a look and informs you he can do nothing. You need a carpenter! He says he’ll make an appointment. Two weeks later you get a letter making an appointment for the carpenter to arrive four weeks later. Then get another letter two days later telling you he will come in two weeks?

The man comes, nice sort of bloke, he sets to assessing the situation.

Then starts to demolish the drawers and shelves to gain access to the bottom hole.

I could tell he was an experienced carpenter and workman by the way he whistled ‘Delilah’ out of tune as he grafted away.

Soon the dust and wood shavings had left lovely patterns on everything in the kitchen.

I inquired, on seeing the one spray can of filler he had brought along with him, if that would be sufficient for the two holes?

He replied; “Two holes? Have you another then?”

Well well, I thought.

He assured me that this can would be enough to fill the two holes.

I pointed out that the other hole was behind the top cupboard and only partly accessible.

No problem, with this he whipped off the partial vent above and had a look. “Yes, I can manage that easily.”

 So didn’t do anything about it the top hole. He got the cupboard back together with an hour.

No fleas on this fella!

I thanked him and off he went, whistling away.

I returned to the dust covered kitchen.

The draughts were exactly like they were before!

And, a multitude of flies had appeared all around the window frame too?

I hope this Tale of Woe offers hope to any Single Senior Citizens who might find themselves in Nottingham City Homes Independent Living establishment high-Rise flats, especially through no fault of their own.

Part Five: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

“The ‘United Carpets’ Farce!”

Please: Never risk your sanity by using these nasty con-men & imitation carpeters!