Nottingham City Homes Repairs: Part Two:

Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

Fellow Senior Citizens please be warned. If you have the annoying habit like what I do, that of wanting to clean your kitchen window outside and in; Here is what you will have to contend with. Especially if you live in Woodthorpe or Winchester Court in Sherwood Nottingham.

I recommend that the following are stocked up on prior to the life threatening procedure is attempted:

• Antiseptic disinfectant and creams. (The Dettol disinfectant and the Savlon Cream are effective)
• Elastoplast fabric and Waterproof dressing. Elastoplast is fairly good. (Although Asda own label is a lot cheaper)
• TCP and or Brute After Save: (Both are effective at stopping the bleeding abrasions you’ll acquire whilst trying to turn and hold out the control button, conveniently located in the less than 2″ gap between the mechanism and the outer frame of the window) The Brute deodorant in spray form lasts longer and allows you remember the Henry Cooper ‘Slash it All Over’ made commercials on TV from 1970.
• A pair of Long-pronged Pliers is another most essential requirement. Either from ScrewFix or preferably the Pound Shop. Both will break when you try to attach them to the plastic button to turn and hold out the button using one hand, as you will need the other Arthritic hand to turn the window around to access the rust, bits of paint and stale water as it flows out of the frame and spills all over the sill, floor, cooker and you!
• A note you must write before beginning this suicidal cleaning session. Along with your Anticoagulation Alert Card. Your medical record card to inform the paramedics when they arrive of your ailments and medications you’re on, like: 

  Warfarin 3mg (Variable according to weekly INR blood tests) 1½ to 3½ –

  Pentoxifylline Blood flow 1 mornings – 1 noon – 1 evenings.

  Paracetamol 500mg pain relief up to 8 a day as needed – Codeine Phosphate 30mg pain relief up – 2 mornings, 1 evening and more if required – Simvastatin 40mg – high cholesterol 1 at night – Omeprazole 2omg – Oesophagus, Duodenal ulcer and sticking reflux valve. 1 mornings – The Ramipril 12mg Angiotensin High blood pressure – 10mg –  1 daily – The Bisoprolol 2.5mg fumarate – Beater-blocker – Control for having mechanical Heart-Aorta valve replaced – 1 daily – Ear-spray for outer ear – as required up to three times a day – Pain Killing Gel 10% Ibuprofen Fenbid  – Up to four times a day as necessary. – GTN sublingual tablets Up to four a day no more; contain the active ingredient glyceryl trinitrate. Do not forget to mention your liquid medications

The Nottingham City homes coordinator will humanely mention your predicament to the repairs department, and when you get back from the hospital, week two weeks after getting back, you will receive a letter from them with an appointment for three weeks hence, for a specialist repair man to call and assess the situation.

He will arrive and set to work looking a the window. After a few err’s and Mmm’s, he will tell you he is condemning the whole window, and will arrange for a new one to replace it.

This will please you greatly.

A week later, you will receive another arrange appointment trough the post, for three week time.

Another man will arrive, look at the window, and tell you there is nothing wrong with it at all.

You will inform him of the rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass.

He says: Well if you got it turned what’s the problem then?

Your reply is: “The rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass, and I needed three stitches and extra Trental and Warfarin tablets for two weeks!”

He clicks his tongue, gives a loud Humph, offers you a well-practised sneer and leaves.

End of repairs then!

Part Three to follow: The Electric Fire and the Wall Heaters Fiasco!