Disease: Philargyristalisation (Coveted money loving, greedy git)

Symptoms: When sufferers find their parents, MP Uncles and Aunts leave them a fortune in stocks and shares, overseas investment, property, and a Bank, that they will never have to be employed or work in their lives. They will end up lying, conning and cheating along with their fellow Etonians at running the country, and lining their own pockets even more. The Chances are those most affected, will end up becoming the First Secretary of State and Chancellor of the Exchequer for the UK. Not only this but they will be able to appear in front of thousand of voters at a sports occasion and get booed at for over five minutes and they can just stand there, smiling benignly, totally unconcerned.

Most at Risk: Those in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likely to be found anywhere. Those who are Christened George Gideon Arthur Osborne are most at risk of Philargyristalisation.

Area’s most affected: Affluent areas with a low crime history thanks to the Chief Constables, Judges, MPs and Banking magnates also living in the area.

Named Disease: Deipnophobia – Fear of dinner parties

Symptoms: Panic attacks, Gluttonisation, Fear of embarrassment, Getting the correct Cutlery usage mixed up with eating with your hands. Passing wind at the dinner table.

Most at Risk: Lottery winners, those marrying into Royalty, and those on Benefits for life.

Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome

Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect. No job prospects. Evicted from your home. You use the last of your dwindling savings to apply to the Lithuanian Government to emigrate there, the you come back and get enough benefits to live on.

Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections. Those over 60 who have been made redundant four times in the the previous four years.

Areas most affected: The North – Midlands, and Outer Mongolia.

Named Disease: Spooninthegobatbirthness

Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude that develops in Spooninthegobatbirth sufferers, cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially. Backhanders, blackmail, bullying, lying, hypocritical cons abound, expense fiddling flourishes, and perspicaciousness dissipates from their vocabulary and mind.

Most at Risk: Royalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable George Osborne MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, now Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Areas most affected: The top 10% of the ‘Well-off’ of the population.

Named Disease: MSTG (Monetary Cystitis Tight Gits)

Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you. They will always find something more important to spend the money they have from muggings, robbing, housebreaking and other activities on, rather than repay any debts they have. Creating false debtor of their own, they pursue, mostly elderly infirm bloggers to try and extract some dosh from them. Most of them seem to support West Ham United.

Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, Motor engineers and Taxi Drivers.

Areas most affected: Nationwide, but London seems to have rather a lot of the more aggressively affected of MSTG sufferers.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia

Symptoms: A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans. Often sufferers can be found, from those waiting desperately for their retirement and release from work.

Most at Risk: Birmingham immigrants from Scotland, Brin surgeons and LibDem Party leaders.

Areas most affected: Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease: CDA (Compassion Deficiency Anemia)

Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else. These patients ad sufferers of CDA, didn’t start out to kill or be  the reason for millions of peoples death. It’s just that they found they liked it.

Most at Risk: Most predominant nowadays in Parliaments/Governments, and Lawyers offices, although can be  to be found anywhere.

Areas most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: CCY: Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)

Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.

Most at Risk: The poor.

Areas most affected: The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease: EDD Early Decrepitude disease

Symptoms: A sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.

Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.

Areas most affected: Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.

You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

Named Disease: A.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)

Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else, and worrying how others not addicted can manage to get through their day.

Most at Risk: Council house estate families with apprentice muggers under the age of eight, the unemployed, Lib-Dem politicians and supporters, NHS patients and Junior Doctors, Bloggers, Pensioners over 70, Drug addicts under 70 and Post-natal females from Lithuania. 

Areas most affected: Anywhere in the so-called free world.

The Department of Health’s Mental Disorder Minister has asked Inchcock not to publish his article on the disease; ‘CMPIA’ Crooked Members of Parliament In Abundance.