Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.
I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.
26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.
“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”
At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”
“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.
“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?
He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.
I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.
He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.
Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.
Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!
Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.
“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”
He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”
Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!
Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.
After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.
Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.
Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.
As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.
I woke up around 0300hrs WC – ‘Little Inchy’ swollen and tender but no blood.
Seemed to recall some of a dream I was having and tried to remember some of it.
When I woke again at 0605hrs I couldn’t remember any of it, other than it was interesting, different and worth recording. Blow-it, I really wanted to tell you about it too. Ah well.
The angina was still playing up, the arthritis was not too bad in the knees but bothersome in the hands, the haemorrhoids okay, the ulcer okay and the earache still present but bearable at the time of writing. No dizzies yet, but then it’s early innit?
Went down and made a cuppa, then returned to me sleeping bag and started the laptop to update this Diary of Woe.
Did some Facebooking and checked emails.
Got the stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice shop and set off on me walk into Sherwood.
Biting wind and cold with it despite the sun shining.
What a sky! Flaming cold though!
The sky looked rather beautiful. I took a photo of it as I limped along to the shop.
Dropped the bits off and crossed the road and caught a bus into Arnold to get some bits of nosh.
Now after having gone about five bus stops (one eighth of the way) I got off and walked the rest of the way into Arnold. I‘d like to say it was because I felt fit and wanted to get more exercise in than normal… the truth is I’d got on the wrong bus. I know, I know… sad innit!
Fulton Foods – Heap cheapo bargains!
I walked along silently muttering to and swearing at myself into the Front Street and called in Iceland. Got some Warburton’s Thins on offer at £1 and iced lollies at the same price.
I came out and noticed two of the famously dangerous mobility scooters coming toward me and I crossed the road sharpishly. ‘Better a coward’ that to get ran-into by one of them again.
I hobbled along to the Fulton’s Store and got some cheapo smoked ham (Very tasty) miss-shapes and some baking spuds.
Feeling uncommonly weary now, I caught the (Correct numbered) bus back to Carrington.
I saw a deep message in this scene – am I finding an artist side to me nature or summat?
As I passed St John’s church I took a photo of the wall near the gate, thought the colours and scene was rather beautiful.
The leaves lying dead on the pavement.
The wild flowers, forcing their way into the sunlight in their battle for survival.
The type of thing I would never have noticed years ago.
Got back to the flea-pit.
WC.
Feeling well drained now. Made nosh and I didn’t even start the laptop.
Felt so tired but could I drop off? Not for hours.
I tended little ‘Inchy’, only a few spots of blood this time. Having to spare the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream, because it’s running out like.
Made a cuppa, WC’d and took me medications, a little late but still.
Spent a little while reading me book.
No laptop this morning as time was getting late and I had to go get me things ready for me trip to the GP for me prescription extras, then the chemists to get it filled, then the to the QMC haematology for Warfin INR level tests. If I’m still able and not too weary after them, I’ll go to the G.U.M. clinic to try and get some more cream for little ‘Inchy’.
Made up the nibble for the GP receptionists, Chemists staff and QMC nurses.
Titivated meself and set off on me walk to the GP. Picked up prescriptions’gave em their nibbles and poddled off to the chemists. They sorted me and took the nibbles, now the walk into town.
Plenty of traffic about this morning – mucho sounding of horns I noted.
As I got to the same spot as usual, I took a photo of a block of four abandoned shops on the main Mansfield Road again.
I feel sad when I pass these premises and wonder what the plans are for the area? The locale is packed with thousands of student flats so do not offer much incentive for retailers locally to start trading?
I plodded on into town and caught a bus out to the hospital.
I took me ticket and waited me turn – didn’t wait long soon and sorted.
The only problem was trying to stop the bleeding afterwards. It took yonks to stop it.
Came out and caught bus to town, where I poddled around the slab square taking some piccies of the stalls and rides.
The ice rink had a machine being driven around on the ice.
Caught a bus back to Carrington and crossed-fingerly started the laptop.
WC’d.
Made a cuppa and returned to the laptop.
All working! Internet, Coreldraw and Word.
Good stuff laptop-wise today.
Around 1700hrs took medications.
Finished me posts to the League of Mental Men.
Then made some nosh.
Remembered I should have gone to the G.U.M. clinic for me cream!
Hey-ho.
I’ll have to go tomorrow after I’ve done my launderette visit then.
I forced myself to raise-up and into imitation life at 0530hrs.
Made a mug of Thompsopn’s Punjana Tea – gorgeous!
WC.
Got the things ready for me visit to Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete.
Wash and brush-up taking place (A mammoth task!).
Oh dear me… blood coming from ‘Little Inchy!’ Applied the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream and crossed me fingers!
A thriving community?
I set off on me walk into town to catch the West Bridgford bus.
Pete rang as I was taking a photograph of another part of Mansfield Road about half a mile from the City Centre to confirm I’m to meet him at the Co-op on Central Avenue in West Bridgford.
Hey-ho, Hey-ho it’s off to town I go…
Caught the bus and met Pete, nice to see him looking so good. We had a natter and walked to his palace… house.
Jane was having a bit of bother with her tummy again, I gave them some nibbles and pain gel and tablets.
The cats (Apart from Fooey who slept through me visit) ignored me professionally as cats do.
We had a good chinwag, and arranged to meet Pete on Wednesday in the city centre, where he is going to do a bit of skating on the ice-rink. I’d have a go as well… but I don’t want to embarrass him like. (Ahem!) That is if it all goes okay tomorrow with me INR level tests.
Sister Jane – poorly, but still looking good!
Took a photo of Sister Jane, after asking her to wear a straw hat that I am fond of seeing her in. She reluctantly agreed bless her.
I bidded them farewell and caught a bus into town.
Walked into Victoria Centre (Very busy today), and called at a shop selling cheapo Lion bars at 4 for a quid and purchased some to add to the nibbles for the haematology nurses tomorrow.
As I was on my way out of the centre I saw my first shoplifters of the season being unwillingly being arrested and removed by the Police Ossifers.
Why did I take this? No idea!
When I got to the Carrington bus-stop, opposite I noticed Corel Bookmakers next to Cope’s Jewellers – and for some reason took a photo of them – I’m blowed if I can remember why now?
No doubt something deep, witty, creative, satirical and /or brilliant caused me to do this… but what?
Caught the bus to Carrington and dropped off at the Co-operative Society shop next to the Pancho Chip shop – and I felt sure I could taste the roast pork slices I bought there the other day?
Getting murky early today!
It was beginning to get a little murky early as I walked along the road and turned into Muggers Alley on my way back to the hovel.
Got in WC’d and made some sandwiches and a cuppa.
Got the laptop working and Coreldraw9 opened quickly, the Chrome opened without any problems too!
The angina playing up a tad.
Updated and finished this Diary as the eyelids became heavy…
Decent sleep but cannot remember the dreams, yet I seem to know I’d had them?
Up at 0455hrs.
Coughing and sneezing this morning.
WC.
Started laptop, put hot water heater on, went down and made a cuppa got medications, then returned upstairs, WC, the laptop would not let me onto the net!
Went down and restarted the BT box.
Still no connection.
Turned off laptop and restarted.
Still no connection.
Went down and turned the BT box off altogether then restarted it.
Still no connection.
Clicked on BT Broadband Help – but that said it could not be connected try again. So I did, three times, same message?
Turned off laptop and restarted it.
Still coughing and sneezing this morning.
Connection made – I have contact with the outside world again… but slowly.
I posted me Diary for yesterday on the Troll Free Zone.
Got to go to the bank this morning to try and sort out my new card.
Got missen and me things ready and started off on me walk into town – stopping off en route on Mansfield Road to pick up me prescriptions from the GP surgery. When I got there I realised it was a Saturday and they ere closed. (I’m quick like that yer know)
Me starting point for the walk into town from Carrington.
I set off at a steady 1mph or so into town.
When I half way up the hill on Mansfield Road, I espied that on the bus lane all the way up there was the prettiest almost fractal-like spillages of
diesel.
They do not show up on the photo on the left like I’d hoped, but they looked like works of art colourful that should have been in a gallery somewhere.
I pressed on down Mansfield Road ans noticed two shops wedged between students flats on he right hand side.
There are many retail outlets in the area that are in the same condition as these shops. So sad.
I got in town and went to the bank first to get assistance on me three problems:
Changing my pin number – Memorable name ID and unblocking.
A young man sorted me with great aplomb. I thanked him and walked to catch a tram into Hucknall to Tesco now me card is working and get some nosh. Bread, yoghurt Curls and cooked bacon slices.
On the tram I took a photo because I could not believe there were so few people on it for a Saturday morning?
Different story coming back though packed in like sardines we were.. like sardines!
Got back into Nottingham and had a wander through the city centre taking a few photographs for my many wonderful fans, supporters and fellow bloggers. (Hehe!)
I started in the Exchange shopping mall underneath the Council House.
They ere all offering a Black Friday Discount, but the prices were still high to my mind a bit posh these shops fer me.
Anyway… What’s all this ‘Black Friday’ stuff then?
I’m sure I’ve never heard of it before? Does it mean Christmas Sales?
Then I limped down into the Slab Square.
The stalls were doing a roaring trade, but the Gypsy looking woman in the little Roast Chestnut box still had no prices on display I noticed?
Plenty of apprentice muggers… I mean children about today.
Even the Ice-Rink had attracted some participants to have a go. Some were proficient (Well one anyway), some went on in sandal-like footwear others had blades on.
They even supplied supporting Penguins for the kids to use to help them keep their balance as they whirled around the ice. (See photographs).
They were playing loud jolly music over speakers and folk genuinely seemed to be having a good time without ipod/pads.
Nice to see.
I caught the bus back to Carrington, a very tired and leg weary lad.
As I got off the bus, the smell of cooked food from the chippy… bearing in mind it is nine days since I had a hot meal, proved too tempting and I weakened and went in an got roast potatoes and roast belly pork – rushed home (When I say rushed… I limped a little faster than usual) to keep em warm.
Jolly good too – I got in, WC’s made a cuppa and attacked the fodder.
Now I am belching, have stomach ache and am bloated! (Hehehe serves me right too!)
Started laptop, and had to go through restarting again before it would allow me access to the internet.
Tsk!
Passing wind and belching a bit still.
Finished an Inchcocks True Tale of Woe about when I was working in security and posted it.
The Security control room called me at home, asking me to go to a large Derby electrical retailer, who’d been hit the night before and needed emergency cover.
I asked if I could use a company mobile but no. So I went in my Skoda Estelle.
I set off, finding the famous (and now defunct) Powerhouse store, on a retail park, right next to one of their competitors (Comet- also now defunkt). Good Britain innit?
The raiders had blasted their way through a breeze block wall, and exited the same way, with many thousands of pounds worth of TVs, videos, etc. The wall had been temporarily blocked up, but could not be properly secured until the Monday.
I was given the door codes (no keys), and told to stay in the shop area at all times (where the damaged wall was and the kettle and WC was not), and not to stay in the kitchen area.
The staff departed about 1845hrs, and I took a look around to familiarise myself with the layout. Then made a flask of tea, and brought it along with my sandwiches, into the shop area, settling in a chair at the inquiry desk, facing about 60 TV screens all on showing the same channel, and surrounded by shelves of radios, toaster etc.
Around 1900hrs came a knocking at the back door!
It was the manageress who had forgotten to take some paperwork with her.
She went into the back office to collect them, then returned to the shop to ask me to release her, during which she said; “You can change the channels if you want to, the remotes are in that draw” Pointing to a draw in the desk where I had been sitting.
Off she went, and I delved into the remote controls, there were about a hundred or so in the draw.
After managing to get about 15 of the TV’s on different channels, loud alarms began ringing from one of the shelving units. I eventually located the source of the alarm on the radio display shelves, and realised that a code was needed to deactivate/silence the horrible grating noises.
Without the code, all I could do was press ‘silence’, and after about three minutes the klaxon’s bells and sirens would start again!
Our Officer in the Control Room, name of Bob was ever alert as usual…
Having no contact numbers for the firm’s staff, I rang our Control Room, asking them to try and contact the Manageress, and get the required codes for me to use.
It was well gone midnight when they rang back with a 4 digit code, by which time I was on the verge of insanity with the hours of the noise and pressing the silence button every three minutes!
I put the code in – after which the noise started again, and did not stop again until the arrival of the staff at 0730hrs in the morning!
A good job no one broke in that night, because I was so disorientated with the hours of noise, I would have been no use at all.
The Manageress explained that she had given the wrong code, and laughed about it.
Funny?
I had to sit in the car for ages until I felt clear headed enough to drive.
When I got home, control rang asking me to go back to the same store again that Sunday night, for 16 hours shift, 1600hrs to 0800hrs!
On arrival at the store, I made sure I was given the correct codes for all of the alarms in the store (Better late than never).
I was sat there, about 2300hrs, watching dozens of channels on the TVs, when I heard a thudding noise, although it sounded a bit distant, I thought I’d better investigate.
I opened the back (side) door, and gingerly peered out up and down the alleyway, although I could see nothing untoward, the thudding noise was clearly coming from nearby, and it suddenly stopped, and I heard voices shouting. I boldly marched (actually, I crept up) up the alleyway to the parade of shop fronts, to see two vehicles and a several scrotes loading stuff from Comet into one of their vans.
I called the emergency services, and tried to get a good description of the vans and crooks for the police.
I informed my control, knowing that there would be a few keen, alert security officers just eager to come and give me some back-up…
Within minutes the police squad cars flew into the car park, and the offenders scattered – unfortunately two of them towards where I was peeping put from the alleyway.
I retreated in through the back door, as I tried to close it behind me. There was pressure from the other side trying to force it open as I tried to close it!
A managed to hold them off for a minute or so and verbally advised them to go forth and multiply…. they burst in through the door knocking me over.
Turns out it was the police, who saw the yobs running into the alleyway, then saw the door being closed as they entered the alleyway, and assumed it must have been the crooks going in through the door.
Well that seemed to have been the general consensus of why the police Alsatian had bitten me leg.
I didn’t get to sleep until 0300hrs – this time myself to blame!
I’d been Facebooking last night and when I came to closing down, I had a try at getting the laptop to allow me to watch dvds off the net – and blimey.. . it let me.
Unfortunately I’d tried to open an original 1959 ‘The Invisible Man’ TV episode to watch and I was hooked and spent the next 4 hours watching them. Tsk!
I forced myself away when I kept nodding off while watching at about 0310hrs.
Didn’t stir until 0715hrs – and tried again to watch em, but the laptop was back in ‘Frustrate Inchcock mode’ and wouldn’t let me.
I recalled some of the dreams I’d had and wrote the bits I remembered down to record here:
I was a jailer of some sort I think and I had Stalin, Hitler and Genghis Khan held in the same prison cell, they were each complaining that the others got better food than they did?
At one stage they were arguing amongst themselves whilst playing Tiddlywinks.
I’d delivered to their cells, microwave sausages and beans for Stalin. I can’t recall what I gave to Hitler, and lemon curd coated seaweed with mothballs for Khan?
Later in the dream I had to call for help in controlling them and Gary Hoadley arrived smilingly and killed them all by tearing off their heads and then asking “Anyone for football?”
I think we became traffic wardens… with Gaz using a Star Trek Phaser like thing to discourage the drivers from arguing, and after he’d used it to stun them, he gave them Green Shield Stamps?
What a Dream!
I’ve never remembered so much of a dream before… thanks Gaz!
WC.
I went down and made a cuppa and took me medications.
WC.
Returned to the laptop to update this diary.
It was still dark outside at 0810hrs.
I have to say, the ‘Little Inch’ angina and arthritis aren’t too bad at the moment, but the rear end is tender and painful.
WC.
Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light.
Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light. Not happy with it and scrapped it.
Managed to get to watch dvd (The Invisible man) from Youtube but from nowhere else?
Did loads on Facebook and a post for me Inchcock site – but nowt else, didn’t even go out of the flea-pit.
Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light. Not happy with it and scrapped it.
Managed to get to watch dvd (The Invisible man) from Youtube but from nowhere else?
Did loads on Facebook and a post for me Inchcock site – but nowt else, didn’t even go out of the flea-pit.
A mistaken report in local Nottingham Newspaper about jobs available caused another Riot at Nottingham Job-Centre Plus!
The beginning of the Nottingham shoplifters muggers and alcoholics rabid descent on the Job-Centre Plus offices
There was panic in Nottingham city centre this morning when it was mistakenly published in the local ‘Free paper’, that the Jobcentre Plus on Parliament Street had got 333 new jobs just come in, in error for 3 new jobs.
Shortly after the crowd rushed the centre, police were on the scene – unfortunately, with the Government cutbacks, the Nottingham force being reduced by 385 officers, most of them were tasering and truncheoning their way through the mob to get first in the queue for the jobs!
As the injuries piled up, Paramedics and Ambulance-men (Government cutbacks 150) who attended, joined in the battle for attention from the overwhelmed Jobcentre Plus staff in a desperate bid to get an interview for one of the non-existent jobs.
CSO and traffic warden Mike Steedenski was forced to call in the Army for support (5000+ Government personnel cutbacks). He armed himself with the intention of getting an interview for himself.
When the Army arrived, they started to shoot the mob of job-seeking citizens, policemen, and medical staff, to get through to the front of the queue themselves.
But there were too many job-seekers, Big Issue sellers and trained muggers in the crowd, and the mob started to get the upper hand.
The incident came to a sudden halt when the first floor of the building collapsed under the weight of the angry crowds.
The Fire Brigade could not attend straight away, due to another incident they were tackling, and with the Government cutbacks, they had not got sufficient staff to respond immediately.
The Red Cross, St Johns Ambulance and Boys Brigade Scout first aid badge holders took hours to sort out the living, dead and injured, but heroically did so, despite being hounded by Big Issue sellers, pickpockets and looters while trying to rescue people.
One Boy Scout, Alberto Zwievski-Sozzled (63), was injured by a mobility scooter as he tried to cross the road to tend to an injured mugged Senior Citizen.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable undercover in Bermuda on a fact-finding mission
Nottingham’s Chief Constable Danny Soz explained:
As the reports of the violence came in, I was on my way to Bermuda for a fact finding mission on how Bermudan addicts roll their weed cigarettes’. As soon as this fact-finding mission is accomplished, I will returned to attend and assess the results of this riot in Nottingham and sort out a few of the scumbag citizens.
Firemen attending the scene took some time out to do a few public relations exercises with Shirley, the leader of the Job-centre plus team.
There are now some more jobs coming in for the building industry trade, but only for work at the Jobcentre Plus Parliament St branch.
Stirred into life hastily around 0500hrs – later than normal, but than I did not nod-off last night until 1230hrs gone.
WC.
Little Inchy tended to, only the slightest specks of blood.
Made cuppa and took medications.
Searched for hearing aids for a while before I found them next to the kettle?
Beats me as well that does.
Arose and beautified missen, got dressed up nice and warm.
Got the stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, made sure I’d got the banks letter, bus-pass and set off on me walk to Sherwood.
I called at the GP surgery en-route and requested some extra Phorpain gel and painkillers. As I left I took a photo of the traffic with their lights on, and this was about 1015hrs, still murky.
I took another photo as I walked into Sherwood, still dark and danke.
I caught a bus into town and limped into the City Centre and called at the Bank.
I have to return when the new pin no. arrives.
The Nottinghan Tourist shop had a Monopoly with a Nottingham theme in the window. I took a picture of it – I wonder if the players in this Monopoly lose their jobs, go shoplifting, mugging, ride cycles on pavements, attack elderly pedestrians on mobility scooters, root through other peoples bins, get sizzled each day, are members of Gamblers Anonymous, fiddle their benefits, carry guns and knives, use drugs of all sorts, burglarise their locality, smoke Lithuanian cigarettes and have to take a Big Issue Sellers card instead of Community chest card?
Had a wander around the City Centre taking photo’s of the rides at the Winter Wonderland Fayre.
The horses ride only had two people on it.
The kids vehicle ride only had one on it.
The Ice Skating Rink was not open yet.
I took a couple of shots of food stalls, they were doing a little better trade with the Nottingham folk – it still amazes me how a family say 3 kids and hubby and wife can afford to eat at these places – I can’t. (♫Jealousy… was all over my jjjealousy…♫)
I know the weather was a bit murky, but what can we expect at this time of year – but the faces of most folk showed they were not a happy bunch of Nottinghamians.
I could not resist taking a photo of the stall selling the ladies headwear and scarves again. I love these accessories for the ladies, but no one can tell me what they are called… apart from hats of course.
I hobbled up into the Victoria centre and had a limp though the market and at a ladies accessory shop I took a photo of part of the display to post on the Troll Free Zone site to tickle the lady TFZers fancy.
I continued to the end of the mall and called in a shop to buy some Picnic bars that I have recently took a fancy to – why I don’t understand because in my younger years I didn’t like em at all?
Then into Tesco and that’s where I spend far too much bearing in mind I cannot get at me money until the card comes through. (Tsk twit!)
My guilty purchases’?: Fresh Cream Horns, Cheesey seaweed, Lemon and Lime marshmallows and some Sapoka. Ah well!
I walked through and passed the Trinity Square mega costly food court on my way to the bus-stop – took a photo of crowds demanding being fed at outrageous prices. There were three people I think.
Caught the bus back to Carrington and called in the Co-op to get some ice lollies.
Got in the Cream horns didn’t last five minutes before I’d demolished them.
WC.
Made a cuppa and laptop working okay now so did some graphics and facebooking.
Took medications at 1700hrs.
Treated little ‘Inchy’ – no blood, looking good.
I made some Sapoka sandwiches and instant potato with cheese to have with a drop of BBQ sauce and pickled beetroot.
I started as so many did on the motorbikes, eventually treating myself to a 3 wheeled Raleigh Safety Seven, cold, lethal and I loved her! I named her Suzie Safety Seven.
She passed away within three weeks, beyond saving she was. Sad!
Robin Reliant
I thought the idea of going out without having to put me helmet, gloves, boots and goggles on was so novel.
I seemed to have so much fun with Wilhelmina over the years, and do miss the old gal to bits.
I loved my last one to bits. It was only due to the call of a certain young lady for more room to manoeuvre in, that I eventually got a (four door) Skoda Estelle.
Skoda Estelle
Getting a larger car without any spare cash left thanks to a certain young lady’s demands was not easy.
I had to ‘do a deal’ with an Arthur Daley type auto trader – a straight swap, so had to go for an Estelle that was considerably older than Safety Seven Suzie.
A multitude of failed parts, collapsed assembly’s, break-downs (I think the RAC were considering cancelling my membership), lousy brakes, lack of power and unreliability were rampant throughout the time I owned Wilhelmina as I christened her. (Sounds a bit like my body today…Hehehe!).
But, there were plenty of vehicle scrap yards to pick from to get cheap replacement parts that had deceased functioning or blew-up on me. Apart from the ‘usual’ Skoda parts that all seemed to suffer from – Starter/Alternator, Internal window wire assembly, heater/thermostat, Cooler pipe valve etc.
Still I was young, eager, had a life and foolishly thought my lime-green Skoda Estelle was the bees knees at the time! (I know…)
Standard Vanguard
An older car again, but she looked in good nick.
Bench seats, column gears, and terrible vision – I loved it.
Heavy on the juice, but the smell of those leather seats was wonderful.
Although slow to get going, she would cruise easily at 70 mph – but stopping such a heavy car like ‘Vanessa’ proved difficult when going at any speed – as I proved when I ran into the back of a stationary British Army Bedford lorry…
Vanessa had to be put down, I got in trouble, my insurance went up and I lost me job in Wales ‘cause I couldn’t get there. Hey-ho!
Austin Maxi.
This British Leyland made vehicle did not give me enough time to name her.
She had air conditioning in the boot. (A dirty great run of galloping rust had eaten away at the metal and I could just put my hand through the hole to get anything I needed from it.)
She was noisy, but a belter on the motorway, I had 100mph out of her with ease – mind you, she was too keen on stopping as I recall.
She had a personalised gear-change that often refused to respond to me needs to change into fourth gear.
Ford Consul Classic
Within a couple of weeks, the Austin Maxi was traded in part-exchange for a Ford Consul Classic.
4 door twin headlights, maroon and cream, leather bench front seats, boy did it get the birds going – it ran like a heap of junk, rusty, slow, bad column gear-change, leaking back window, but boy the dolly-birds always wanted a lift home in my American looking car – haha!(Oh dear I mustn’t get myself too excited)
I Christened her: Leaky Linda
Yet another car that didn’t last me for long.
Bedford CA van
A Bedford CA van, split windscreen.
Now as bad as it was to drive, it amazed me how good the fuel consumption was at first, until I realised the fuel gauge had been tampered with after I ran out of petrol between Matlock and Bakewell in the Derbyshire Dales.
The high mounted seats had no adjustments, making it work hard work with my little short legs.
But I did get some spare-time work in using it to deliver small bags of coal and firewood for the local ‘Aurthur Daley’ who worked from under the railway viaduct near to where I lived.
Renault Fuego
After buying this good looking car, my mate did a check on the engine, did something to the valves, bit of tuning, and returned the car to me, saying it was alright and safe!
I got in the car to go to the Cash and Carry and pulled away.
As I was passing a mates shop I decided to show off me new wheels like – as I pulled onto his forecourt, the engine dropped out to the floor amidst a cloud of mist, dust, rust, and sparks!
It cost me £35 (A lot of money in those days) to have it towed away and destroyed.
That has to be the shortest time I’ve ever owned a car.
Austin Allegro 1750 Equipe
I saw an advertisement for an Allegro 1750 Equipe that was going cheap, and I visited the owner.
Within two minutes of test driving her, I’d decided to buy her; she went like a bat out of hell!
She even had go faster stripes on her sides.
Unfortunately, the rust and fuel gauge went too fast for me too!
Austin Allegro Estate
I bought this Austin Allegro estate 1500 because I’d just started the shop up on Oakdale Road in Nottingham. I needed to transport stuff from the cash & carry etc daily.
And she did the job magnificently I can proudly say.
I moved a full size retail chest freezer on her once to Derby.
Admittedly I had to keep the tail gate door open, but she coped well with it.
A workhorse of the finest metal she was, never let me down at any time.
When I lost the shop I decided to downsize a bit and bought an:
Allegro mark3 HLS
Later I purchased a newer Allegro mark3, four door, twin headlights, new A-plus engine, and the usual rampant rust. She was faster than the Equipe! and was so good on fuel.
Of course, as you could and did in those days, I took her on the motorway to find out what her top speed was. I got 105mph out of her, and was well pleased.
When I took her to me local garage for her MOT – I called in later to see how things were looking and the mechanic said “It might look better, but someone has crammed paper into the wing rust holes and the sills have been cleverly painted to mast the rust there mate!”
Oh dear I thought and asked him how much to get it sorted…
£200 or thereabouts he smiled at me!
But being so pleased with how it drove and liking the looks of it, I had it done.
I was in a well paid job in Carter’s pop factory, started fishing again, and decided to buy a 4×4 to replace the mark 3.
Needing a deposit, I stuck to my guns in asking for £800 to sell my Allegro to my boss at the time, he said; “If it really can do 100 mph, pick me up in the morning, and if it does, I’ll pay the £800 for it!”
So I picked him up, got on the motorway, proved she could, and he agreed to pay the £800 – just before the police Ford Granada caught up with us, and indicated for me to pull in!
When I got my licence back, I did buy a Panda Sisley 4×4.
A Brand New Panda Sisley 4×4
The sunroof leaked, the radio didn’t work, it was as slow as anything I’d driven before, the engine was noisy, the gears were crunchy, bits started to and kept on falling off of it, and the 4×4 engaging level stuck… but in 4 wheel drive, she was great off-road.
Back and forth to the garage JCP in Kegworth near where I was working several time, and got all the usual verbal garbage off of the desk man and the mechanic… you know, like:
Inchcock: “Are you going to replace the tail-gate badge, the Sisley motto and the inside door handle that have fell-off in the first three days?”
Reception Man: “The badges that dropped off will be replaced’ (It took them five weeks)
Mechanic: “Wot yer on abaght with the speed thing you bothered the salesman wiv then?”
Inchcock: “Well the hand book says the top speed is 85mph, the most I’ve got out of her is 70mph!”
Mechanic: “Well that’s the legal limit innit?
Inchcock: “ Yer, but you sell Alpha Romero’s that do 140mph, so are you breaking the law?”
Mechanic: No no no, it’ll soon improve, you’ve got to let the engine settle cause it’s new!”
Like a twit I believed him. In the years I had the car it never got above 72mph.
Inchcock: “Now the sunroof you fitted is leaking!”
Reception Man: “Bring it in week after next and we’ll ‘ave a look at it”
Inchcock: “I want it mending not being looked at!”
Meanwhile I got a puncture, and the wheel brace broke! So I took it in when he said and he told me they could not find the time to repair the leaking roof, but gave me a second had brace. They told me to come back in two days. So I did.
Mechanic: “We haven’t got a seal to fit, but we’ve got one on order mate. I’ll book you in for next Wednesday, would you like to bring it in am or pm?”
Inchcock: “AM… how long will it take?
Reception Man: “Two or three days”
Inchcock: “Will I get a courtesy car?”
Reception Man: “Of yes, no problem!”
So I took it in on theWednesday and…
Reception Man: “I’m afraid we do not have any cars available for you”
Inchcock: “What!”
Reception Man: “You can bring it in again later Sir!”
After much verbal exchanges that grew louder on my part, the manager came out to see what was going on. I explained my position and the manager said: If we do not have a car available Sir, there is nothing we can do!”
Inchcock: “We there is something I can do – you can take the ∑℅¤$£)>Ψ◊ car back and give me a refund now!”
After the manager consulted with various other people he came back and gave me the keys to a Fiat Croma to use!
Never went there again I can tell yer.
The only advantage of that car was with me mate and the back seat down, the rod holdalls between the seat and the boxes and other tackle in the back, we managed easily when we went fishing.
When we went to Attenborough gravels, we often encounted two chaps en route in a Landrover and we would race each other as both parties wanted the same good fishing spot. And my little Panda was let behind on the road, but when we got into the muddy fields inside the complex I could usually catch him up and overtake them getting to the spot first. The driver got really mad about this, but his off road driving was pathetic. He just used to put his foot down without trying to stay in as high a gear as possible and slid all over as we passed him. A rare series of victory for Inchcock.
Subaru Justy 4×4
I part-exchanged the Sisley for a Subaru Justy 4×4 saloon.
The 4×4 change was sleek, a button on top of the gear level. You only had to be driving straight and up to 40mph and one press put her in 4×4 mode in seconds.
She was nippy for a 1300 engine too.
Put the Sisley to shame in that department.
And it was much more of a comfortable ride too.
And had more space in the back.
What a car, only let me down once, when the fuel filter got clogged. I regretted getting rid of her.
Hillman Humber Super Snipe Estate
What a car.
I bought her as a sort of second car really, because she was so big long and wide, everyday use in the narrow streets where I frequented would have caused problems.
The ride was soft and luxurious.
The seats also.
And the column gear change was the best I’ve ever used.
A heavy car naturally it was heavy on fuel – but hey… I was young and flamboyant in those days.
The lights on her was not up to scratch though, and talking about scratches, she had more than her fair share on her bodywork when I bought her.
Still I enoyed taking mates and their lassies around showing off yer know!
When the engine packed up, it would have been too expensive even for me get mended, so she had to go, sadly.
Triumph Dolomite Sprint
A nice Triumph Dolomite Sprint next.
The air-conditioning through the holes in the floor-pan where unique.
The leaking roof, windows, sills and oil were original in their intensity.
The engine was dynamite though and not a lot of other traffic could beat it.
The rattles were ever changing, but ever present if you know what I mean.
Daihatsu Sportrak
I got another great performer here, and she was good on fuel.
So quiet on the road she was, nippy smooth and gave me a sense of confidence too, her brakes were first class.
The only thing that niggled me about her was when I wanted to put het into four wheel drive mode.
I had to get the tools out, get out of the jeep and adjust both front wheels manually – then of course do it again in reverse when I wanted to go back to two wheel drive.
What a headache that was.
She would drive on the motorway with the greatest of ease forever.
I’d have kept her longer but she got nicked and trashed by a gang of druggies.
Ford Escort van
I got a Ford Escort van, which fell to pieces literally.
When I was waiting to the insurance on the Daihatsu I got it as a stop- gap like – stop being the operative word… she liked to do that regularly as well as refusing to start.
One good thing though, if I was on me way to pick someone up they could hear me engine and wheel nuts half a mile away en route.
Eventually it was getting beyond trying to keep her going and I rang a scrap-yard or two to get the best price offered for her.
The place called the Ponderosa just outside Nottingham was prepared over the phone to offer me £25 if I could get her there on me own and not be collected.
Not bad I thought, I’ve got a week left on the MOT so I took off to deliver her there.
Going down Mapperley Hill en route, I think I said to myself ‘Flipping heck’ when the brakes failed.
Bob from the Ponderosa came and took away the crunched up Escort van for me after I phone him when the ambulance had gone deciding I didn’t need any attention…
And he charged me £50 for taking it.
A vehicle I have never felt sorry about losing!
Ford Fiesta Diesel
Then a Ford Fiesta diesel, that was so very noisy but good and reliable, another one I should have hung onto maybe.
I was working in Security then, the only job I could get after being made redundant by Carters pop people.
She had bigger wheels and that helped in the bad weather as I was sent all over the place.
Local mind, the furthest places I had to go was Derbyshire, Leicestershire, Mansfield and Skegness.
But Bluebell as I named her got me there and back every time.
Quite a cheap car to run as well, great on fuel and as I said, nothing ever went wrong with her… apart from the odd puncture like.
BMC J4 van(well I part owned it really, we used it for going fishing).
We kept sharing it between me and Mad Ken, because Bill Bates and Jock Kirkpatrick could or should not drive.
I really miss those lads now they’ve gone.
Mad Ken who was paranoid but so likeable. No idea if he is still going.
Bill Bates the Co-op butcher, brought up in a rough area of Nottingham but tuned his accent so that anyone would think he was a Conservative MP rather than a rough Nottingham Radford lad. Passed away through drink related problems.
Jock Kirkpatrick, Bomber rear gunner during the war, my neighbour, a true character and the finest maker of potatoe scones I’ve ever known. I feel that if there is a heaven, I’m going to me Jock there.
Sorry I waffled off the subject a bit didn’t I?
Ford Fiesta Mark4
A silver-grey Ford Fiesta which was not very old when I bought it and was another gem of a car.
Never gave me any concerns, I didn’t even ever have a puncture with her.
She never failed an MOT.
She never failed to start any morning.
As I a gem of a smooth running nippy little car.
Until she burst into flames on the A453.
Vauxhall Royale
I bought this Vauxhall Royale because it was so cheap and I could carry more folk in it, and by now I had suffered my second occasion of being made redundant – and one of the only ways I could make a bit extra was by lifting lads and lasses from the agency to and from work.
This Royale was the perfect tool for doing that I thought.
It could take 5 folk with ease and occasionally six at bit of a pinch, and helped me to get through financially in very trying times.
But the engine passed away rather quickly.
Ford Fiesta
Yet another nice little motor.
Quiet, smoothish, reliable… ish.
I liked it.
But things started worry me a bit, mostly the odd noises.
But I needn’t have worried about the odd noised really…
Because a nurse on her way to work at the Queens medical Centre drove across and into me as I was driving straight through the traffic lights in her boyfriends Volkswagen Golf.
Now, if your going to get hit by a car, I recommend you not to chose a Volkswagen Golf.
She took the blame there and then bless her.
But the Fiests needed anew door, sill and sidebar.
It would take several weeks to repair, so I bought a cheapo car from one of the lads at work.
Fiat Cinquecento
This car had its very own characteristics:
The petrol tank seeped.
The speedometer did its own thing.
The brakes were horrendously bad.
The driver’s door leaked in the rain.
The engine was very reluctant to start in a morning.
Sometimes the engine was even reluctant to stop, even with the ignition key taken out!
That thank heavens was stolen from the works car park, never to be seen again.
When I was made redundant for the fourth time, and failed to get an interview never mind job – then the ticker needed a replacement valve, the arthritis set in, the angina set in, the piles started, the prostate was investigated when they found the bowel cancer and lasered it, and quiet naturally they took away me driving licence.
The end of my driving – but they gave me a free pensioners bus-pass!
