Tag: Satire

Fri 11 Mar 16 – Inchcock Today: Friday, a foggy start…

* * * * *

Friday 11th March 2016

0350hrs, I stirred to semi-life and lay thinking of the dreams I’d had. Not nice ones, as usual, I was being chased again. This time through corridors in a brand new office complex, up and down the stairs through many floors. The lifts all had the same sign on them; “Cost: A trip up 5p per floor, down £1m per floor – Credit card payment accepted on Wednesdays only”? I had cleaning tackle all over me, brush, dustpan, dusters and a bottle of Morrison’s bleach in my pocket? A round shaped feather duster on my shoes? There were probably more, but that is what I could recall. Those pursuing me were all dressed formerly in suits with brightly coloured ties and a mobile phone in their hands? As each one caught me up, they just laughed poked me in the eye, then ran away? I wish I knew a dream analyser 

I wish I knew a dream analyser or reader. Humph! Perhaps not, though?

As I attempted to encourage the mass that was my body to move. I trod on the headphones; that were at the end of them then! Good start, Tsk!

Got to the WC, ‘Little Inchy’ needed decoking, cleaning and creamed to stop him bleeding again. I’m  bit bothered with this.,

Arthur Itis, Roger Reflux and the back were not too bad at all, but Anne Gyna was giving some elbow.,

Made a cuppa and took the medications, got the laptop on. Yesterday, I emailed the surgery to make an appointment for the next INR blood test for the date on the result sheet from the previous one, for the morning of Mon 21st March. I felt confident that with them giving me a week free, and the date so far away, that I would easily get a morning appointment. Their return email arrived. They gave me one for 1300hrs! Swines! They know that I fade early in the day nowadays too! I think they are going off me yer know? The nurse makes a mess of my last blood test, they tell me to see the chemist about when the following medications are due, and now can’t fit me in for a morning appointment and they have two weeks notice? Swines! Dummkopfs!

Still, it doesn’t bother me in the least.

Then I got the Diary for Thursday finished and posted, and started this one off.

Had a bash on Facebook. Then got carried away a bit doing graphics for a later post. (Three hours, Tsk!)

As I got ready to my ablutions, I noticed the fog was lifting now.

Carried out my decontamination procedures with the following results:

  • Taking off my clothes and putting them in the laundry bag, banged left knee on WC porcelain.
  • Getting into the tub, nearly had a Whoopsiedangleplop.
  • Bathing ‘Little Inchy’, the blood flowed. Managed to stop it.
  • Getting out of the bath, oh the pain! Cramps had started. Tsk!
  • Drying ‘Little Inchy’ ready for creaming, the sore started leaking again! Huh!

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, my shopping bag, wrapped up well and set off on a little walk through Woodthorpe Grange Park and into Sherwood. Threw my rubbish bags down the waste chute, got to the lifts, and went back to get my hearing aid in. Humph!

Down and out up the gravel hill to the park. 

The beauty of the skyline did impress me enough to take a photograph of it.

All the fog had cleared, and it was getting warmer I thought. Odd that for so late on in the day?

On the walk down the path to Mansfield Road, I espied a wood-pigeon high in the leafless trees.

Took a photograph of that too – but this time, I found out later, it had been taken in mono?

I suppose I did something wrong, caught a button or something? Not that it mattered, ’cause it was a horrible effort!

Onward up the hill and over into Sherwood, where I tried out the camera again.

Suddenly I realised that the bird one was not in mono, the grey sky and dark tree branches?

I called into the Co-op store and got a potato for baking and a lamb and potato ready meal. Then down to he Hospice shop, gave them the books and DVD’s and bought yet another Morecome & Wise book from them.

As I was checking the bus times and decided to walk back, a Git of a Pavement Cyclist nearly had me… Grrr!

Wondered back to and through Woodthorpe Grange Park, and a lot more people were using it now, I stood while and watched the dogs taking their owner for a walk. Hehe!

Low and behold, another damned Footpath cyclist nearly had me here, too! Then he swerved between some other people and I could see they were not impressed as they shook their fists at him as they gave him some verbal advice.

Good for them!

We ought to form a Vigilante group with mini-stingers!

On the way down the gravel footpath to the flats, it seems there had been something going on animal-wise. A load of white feathers or down were near the bench, which was not there when I went up the path earlier?

Back to the flat and I remembered I had to do a wrist alarm battery check with Nottingham City Homes Response place.

So I did; The line was engaged! Huh!

Got the laptop on, and Grammarly had stopped working. I exited WordPress and opened it again, no luck, still no Grammarly. So I closed and opened Google, then WordPress, no Grammarly access? Pee’d off now, I tried restarting the laptop and into Google, then WordPress, and it started working again. Flibblewoksticks!

Got the nosh cooking, and caught up with this diary.

The fodder came out alright, Lamb hotpot with extra gravy, potato farls, beetroot and some nicely and well done roasted vegetables.

A pot of dessert I was going to have with it, I found in the morning unopened at the side of my broken 1959 imitation leather armchair.

Huh!

I rated this one at 9.45/10.TV – book

Did the washing up and I watched Heartbeat on the TV, tried to read my book, but couldn’t keep awake.

Zzzz!

Thu 10 Mar 16: Inchcock Today – Community Social Hour this morning

Thursday 10th March 2016

Woke very late, gone 0430hrs. No signs of any dizzy thankfully. Arthur, Gyna, Hem Arroids and the ulcer were all in a good mood, only Roger Reflux was giving me any real hassle this morning.

No signs of any dizzy thankfully. Arthur Itis, Anne Gyna, Hem Arroids and the Duo Denal were all in a good mood, only Roger Reflux was giving me any real hassle this morning. And, no blood from Little Inchy either!

Remembered the Winwood Social Hut Meeting was on at ten o’clock (Looking forward to this!).

Noticed the large bag of washing, still awaiting my attentions. I must see if any machines are free after the ‘Social Hour’.

Got the laptop on. Made a cuppa and took the medications.

Out of Nicorandil, but the regular statins and beta-blockers were there. I must get to the GP surgery to try and get a prescription sorted.I know, I’ll email them now asking for one and check when this months dollop of medications will be ready for me to collect. Hang on a second

I know, I’ll email them now and ask for one and check when this months dollop of medications will be ready for me to collect. Hang on for a second, please. Got it done and sent via email.

Got the nibbles and gifts ready in the bag for the meeting.

Finished Wednesday’s Inchcock Today, and started this one off, then I had another session of starting the next ‘It’s Been a Funny Old Life’ Part 6.

I only got as far as doing some graphicalisationing, the header and some smudges ready to use later on, though. Had to get the ablutions done so as not to be late for the Social session.

Did the teggies, shaved, used the throne then got into the luxuriously doctored bath. When I around to sorting ‘Little Inchy’ out; Oh dear! The blood flowed and flowed, hell of a job stopping it. Used the Betamethasone cream, but it was ages before it stopped leaking the red stuff.

I must tell the GP about this and get another appointment at the GUM Clinic sorted out.

Then, as I was cleaning the bath after my scrub up and little soak, I noticed the bruising on the right arm where the Obergruppenfurher Nurse had used another vein after so long using the same one without any bother.

Also, a mystery burn mark on the back of the hand?

Confused about that one I am!

Off down to the Windwood Hut, not so many folks there this morning, but we all had fun and laugh. Gave the organisers some prizes for the raffle. Eddy, the 93-year-old chap we all love was absent, he’s had to go the doctors go for an inoculation. I won a mini-bag of Marshmallows, my hearing aid batteries both packed up and BJ arrived late (Fany that!).

I tried to use the Instax mini camera, but it would not work for some unfathomable reason. Tsk!

I gave some of the girls a small Smarties Easter Egg and I was tickled pink when they all said they liked them.

BJ reminded me he was lifting me to the Carpet place in Arnold after the gathering. He also offered to lift the 82-year-old lady we sit at the same table with, who was sat on his right today in this photograph. That was jolly nice of him!

I left a  few minutes early so I could get to the flat and put some new hearing aid batteries in.

I met BJ at the car park and then collected the lady from Winchester Court. Dropped her off on Mapperley top, and carried on to the carpet place. I got one for £20, no plain coloured ones available again.

BJ offered to lift me to Asda, also in Arnold so I ould get some bread.

We arrived in Asda car park, and BJ checked his tyre pressures while I went in the store. Where I got carried away once more; Got TV magazine, Irish Batch bread, Irish potato thins, several desserts including Lemon Sundae, Strawberry and Raspberry desserts and a ready meal of Lamb and Colcannon mash.

BJ ran me back to the flats, loaded me up with the bags and roll of carpet and departed, saying he might come again next week. I hope he does, cause the old dears like him now.

As I entered, I saw one of the washing machines was free; So I nipped up and put the things away, got the washing and accoutrements and went back down and got the washer going.

Then started to read my book. Lilly turned up, and luckily I’d got some chocolate coins in my pocket to give her, she expects some nibbles when she sees me now, in fact, she demands them, bless her cotton socks!

I moved the clobber into the dryer and went back up and started to update this diary somewhat, and titivated some of the graphics to use later.

Went down and the dryer had finished, packed the clothes into the bag and back up to number 72.

Did some more of this diary, but was feeling fatigued as usual. So I got today’s last of the lamb chops in the oven, to slowly cook through.

Put the baked beans in the saucepan ready. The Irish Batch bread at hand, to dip into the sauce and beans.

Just hope I stay awake long enough now. Hehe!

Did some Facebooking.

Finally, the fodder was ready. A simple fayre for a pure fool.

Baked beans, lamb chops, Irish Batch bread followed with a very lip-smackingly sweet Honey flavoured yoghourt.

The lamb chops, well, at least, one of them, was 70% bone – but what meat there was, was so tasty! The excessive amount of bone kept the rating down to an 8.9/10.

A Whoopsiedangleplop followed, well I say, Whoopsidangleplop. More a minor hiatus. I was looking at a terribly poorly made produced and performed DVD film. So bad, I decided to throw it away afterwards. It was an insult to prisoners in the concentration camps.

I watched some TV, and when I cleared up and took the rubbish bags and threw them down the chute and returned to the flat – I realised I’d thrown away the wrong DVD. James Bond and Miss Moneypenny had bit the dust! Hehe!

Got me head down, well I fell asleep watching Law & Order.

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today – Wednesday 9.3.16: Persistent Rain kept me indoors today!

Wednesday 9th March 2016

I woke at around 0400hrs and visited the porcelain. Good news, Little Inchy was not and had not been bleeding at all – but the haemorrhoids were leaking badly. However, Anne Gyna and Arthur Itis were such a lot easier this morning; Roger Reflux was not any better, but still, a good feeling the hassle being less than of recent. And, dare I say it? No dizzies lately, Ace that!

Made a good strong cup of Yorkshire tea and took my medications.

The rain was, as forecast, must have been pouring down all night, and still coming, fine raindrops but persistent like.I opened the window because the rain was falling away from the flats at this stage, and Chestnut Walk below looked more like a river!

I opened the window because the rain was falling away from the flats at this point, and Chestnut Walk below looked more like a river!

I got on the laptop and finished Tuesday’s Dairy, then started this one to here.

A day indoors methinks today. I mused on maybe being able to get the laundry done, but of course, all the other tenants without transport will possibly be doing the same and hibernating for the day so they will be after the laundry room as well?

Did some Facebooking. Then some graphicationalisationing. Then some WordPressing. e

Watched the Leeds v Colchester Cup Match from 1972 on YouTube. I did enjoy that, not as much as when I watched at the time mind.

Had a nibble, some biscuits and a bit of Honey BBQ Beef Jerky.

The rain was continuing to fall outside.

I put some clothes in the bowl to soak and realised the difference between the size of detergent I thought I’d ordered, and size I received.

Got the din dins cooking. Largish potato baking, with a minted lamb chop, mini-tin of garden peas and beetroot to add.

Lamb not cooked, so took the potato out and gave the lamb some more time. I did ring Sister Jane to ask how long to give the chop, she rang back while I was taking out the potato. We managed a little natter, that was cut short my need for the porcelain.

No bread was consumed with this nosh!

She suggested I put the alarm on so as not to let the chop burn, goos idea, so I did.

Got it all on a smaller plate, not eating so much cause I had that naughty nibble earlier.

Rated it as 9.45/10.

I must try to get some more of the large baking spuds next time I’m out and about.

I used the plate sent to me from America by cherished TFZ site Cyber-Friend, Lucious Lyzzi.

I’ve still got some Minted Lamb left, three small pieces that I might have tomorrow with some flavoured baked beans and soda bread?

Cleaned the pots and then it came; the dizzies! The next four hours were not very nice. Stopped using the laptop and even watching the TV made it worse. Tried reading my book, a definite no-no that!

Around 2200hrs, I nipped to the throne and the dizzies dissipated afterwards, thank heavens.

I put the TV on (A bit late, for me like), and fell asleep during the first commercial break… Zzz!

Tue 8 Mar 16 – Inchcock Today: Dentist financial shock today – Two root canals and two fillings to be done later – of course it doesn’t bother me at all…

Tuesday 8th March 2016

The body stirred into life, with a jump, the mind followed as best it could later.

The back seemed fair, Arthur Itis was being kind to me now, the Anne Gyna and Roger reflux were still giving me some hassle mind.

I lay a while, considering what the day would bring forth. Ah, the dentist to visit, odds on that will prove expensive again. Must tell them about the fillings that cost so much, on the two front teeth they did last time, already going black.

To the porcelain, no bleeding anywhere, encouraging that was!

Made a cuppa and took the medications. Got the laptop on. Starting this diary, I realised I’d not finished and posted my Sunday or Monday ones yet? Huh, wotta plonker!

So I got them both done and posted off, then did the ‘Celebration Days’ funny post.

Went on Facebook and had a good time on there.

The weather forecast was that the rain would stop later today, but tomorrow; Wet rain, winds and 33ºf tops. I thought I’d nip in the Co-op that is near the dentist later, and I can get anything needed so to have a stay-in day tomorrow.

I had a bath and cleaned up and serviced the ageing wobbly body, and shaved with only one tiny cut during the process.

Got the things ready for me walk through the park to the dentists.

Up the hill and down through Woodthorpe Grange Park, no any folks about. I walked down the hill and booked in at the dentists with Obergruppenfurher receptionist, who commanded me to take a seat. Which I did.

In Sherwood, I called in the Co-op after checking that I had plenty of time. Too scared to be late for the Dentists.I walked down the hill and booked in at the dentists with Obergruppenfurher receptionist, who commanded me to take a seat. Which I did.

Bought a packet of honey roasted ham, a small beef pie and the Classic Car paper. When I paid at the check-out, I was handed my change and four receipts! One for the cash, one telling me I might be a winner and they will let me know before 15th April? A coupon for £1 off any fresh meat, poultry or Quorn, valid until 15th April. Another for 50p off when I spend £4 or more, valid until 15th April. Talk about get confused.

I walked down the hill and booked in at the dentists with Obergruppenfurher receptionist, who commanded me to take a seat. Which I timidly did.

She then came over to me with things to sign and a form to fill in about medical conditions address etc. Which I timidly did.

A voice bellowed out from the top of the staircase; I timidly hobbled up the staircase to treatment room two. Where the usual dentist, Beata Cwik greeted with orders to it down. Which I timidly did.

This time, she asked if I had any problems, and I boldly told her about the two front bottom teeth going black after she had filled them on my last visit. (Gawd I felt brave!) She said after a three-second inspection they needed X-raying, along with another double tooth on the left lower, and set about doing this. When the results came through I could see them on the monitor.

I thought for a moment I could see charges on the screen.

She told me how much they would cost to be put right, and the front teeth have an infection inside them, and would be painful and expensive to try and put right, but she could not give any guarantee that the treatment would work. A rather cruel smile came over her face, and her attitude to me became almost human from then on?

She ordered that I go now, down and book an appointment with one of the receptionists fro further treatment. I struggled down the stairs and joined the queue at the desk. When my turn came, I told her I had to make n appointment fro further treatment, she replied without hesitation; “You will need to pay for today’s checks first!” with a look of sheer determination on her face. So I gave her the £20 quid for today’s check, nervously.

She made an appointment and reminded me that they no longer send out reminders, and a missed appointment would result in a £60 charge, and would no longer be abe to provide any service for me. I acknowledged this and awaited the time and date, writing it down. Wednesday 30th March 2016 @ 1115 hrs!

A sheet she gave me, advised on the future treatment: Examination, Root canal filling (3), Oral X2, Small Xray film,  Root ex-sealing (2), and Scale & Polish. I’m not a lot wiser! Other than it is going to cost a lot, and not knowing if it will work to save the two front teggies, no idea about the double one.

Out to he bus stop, where I took the photo (above) of the Dentists. Met an old dear and had a good chin-wag with her. I realised after checking the timetable the next bus to the flats was 40 minutes away, so I gave the dear some nibbles and had a walk back through Woodthorpe Grange Park.

Again there were fewer people about than usual.

Not many dogs either, perhaps they are waiting, for the drizzle to stop? No point in trying to do that tomorrow, according to the Red Alert for rain forecast.

I plodded on up the hill and down to the flats.

I checked in the laundry room as I went through the foyer, both washers were in use again. Tsk!

So, up to the flat and I put my bits away and recorded the appointment time and date in Google and Microsoft calendars.

Laptop on and go this updated.

Put the giant potato in the oven to start baking. I’ll add the beef pasty and roasting veg later, if I remember to and don’t fall asleep.

Did some more Facebooking then WordPressing.

Checked the fodder, making ready to do the gravy and dropped the pot and dry gravy mix, of course, it had to fall between the cabinet and the cooker – the hardest of places to get at to clean it up. Huh!

Got it all done and served up. Large baked potato, beef slice, roast vegetables, brown soda bread and chicken thigh, followed be a banana and fresh dessert. Rated this one another 9.54/10, especially as I didn’t drop it all over the place like the night before.

Took the medications and settled to watch some interesting old stuff on the goggle-box. I did well, getting through perhaps two whole programmes before drifting off to sleep…

Celebration Days

There are hundreds more of these Celebrations Days, but I chose these, because, in actual fact, none of them apply to me.

14th February – We have a Valentines day;

For those involved in sexual passions and have a partner.

1st March – We have St David’s Day;

For the Welsh folk.

6th March – We Have Mothers Day;

For those ladies who have children.

8th March – We have the International Women’s Day;

General celebration of respect, appreciation, and love towards women, to a celebration of women’s economic, political, and social achievements.

9th March – We have The National No Smoking Day:

To shame the poor buggers who are addicted to nicotine.

17th March – We have St Patricks Day;

To boost the sales of Guinness, and give the lads an excuse for being late for work in the morning.

18th March – We have Purple Day;

To brighten up everyone’s day with a little bit of purple and a lot of fun iin your school, workplace or community. (?)

 

19th March – We have National Poultry Day;

Chicken, turkey and other birds we commonly consume are celebrated on this day. (?)

1st April – We have Walk to Work Day;

For those who just might still have a job. Introduced to encourage people to be mindful of their health and their carbon footprint and a great excuse to treat yourself to that latte on the way to work, as your reward for all those extra calories burned off.

2nd April – We have The Pillow Fight Day;

A pillow fight flash mob is a social phenomenon of flash mobbing and shares many characteristics of a culture jam. (?)

2nd April – We also have – International Children’s Book Day;

 Hans Christian Andersen’s birthday and since 1967  International Children’s Book Day has been celebrated on or around this day to inspire a love of reading and to call attention to children’s books. 

15th April – We have Microvolunteering Day; is now in its third successful year, and is a unique opportunity for

Now in its third successful year, and is a unique opportunity for microvolunteering platforms, volunteering involved organisations & individuals to join together in a synchronised effort to demonstrate the empowering potential of the microvolunteering concept.

23rd April – We have William Shakespeare’s day;

To celebrate the bard.

19th June – We have Father’s Day;

To mollycoddle those who can’t keep their pecker in their zip.

21st June – We have Summer solstice day;

For pagans, hippies, druggies and wino’s.

5th July – We have Eid al-Fitr Day;

For Muslims, to celebrate the end of Ramadan.

30th November – We have Diwali Day;

Festival of Lights for Hindu, Sikh and Jain communities.

30th November – We also have St Andrew’s Day;

To assist the whisky and haggis industry and hopefully devolution.

Mon 7 Mar 16: Inchcock Today – The day deteriorated as it went on – Whoopsiedangleplop Ridden! Humph!

Monday 7th March 2016

Up at 0400hrs, again in need of the using the facilitations of the bathroom porcelain. Little Inchy needed decoking and cleaning after last nights Whoopsiedangleplop. However Anne Gyna had eased, but the Roger the Reflux Valve was making me gasp and struggle a bit.

To the kitchen and put the kettle on.

I made an effort to take another photographicalisation of the view, with the light reflecting on the photo from the light behind.

Just for a bit of fun. Well, I say fun, is fun the right word. Should I have used amusement or interest? And am I losing it early today? Hehehe!

Made a cuppa and took the medications.

Pondered on the days requirements. Try to get some WordPressing done. Doctors at 1100hrs. Phone Clinic to confirm my appointment time. Oh, the dentist, no that’s tomorrow isn’t it. I really must try to get some cleaning up done sometime today, even if it’s only a bit. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I’ve forgotten something? A horrible sensation that!

Got on with completing Sunday’s diary, and tries to do an Iceland order, but at the end of the process it told me ‘A problem has occurred – Please go back, so I decided not to bother and ignored it.

Did some Facebooking. Had to prevent myself from forgetting the time, need to have me bath and ablutions yet, before I get the things ready for the walk to the surgery.

I cleared away and titivated the kitchen, then got into the bathroom to do my ablutions. Rather disappointed as the water ran cold so quickly and had to make due with a few inches of water. Must inform the caretaker later.

Got put sooner than planned when I started shivering. It took a while, the back and Arthur Itis saw to that.

Pottered about and got the things ready for the INR blood test, bus-pass for later, mobile phone, camera, nibbles for the medical team and gloves all into the bag.

I did my usual checks to make sure I’d not left anything on: And found the hot tap running in the kitchen! Grottyswellski! No wonder the bath was not hot!

Took the rubbish bags and put them down the chute on the way down. 

Walked down the Winchester Street Hill into Sherwood, left up the hill then down into Carrington. Phones sister Jane on the way and had a little natter.

Arrived at the surgery and booked in, and got the crossword book out. It was the Obergruppenfurher nurse on duty today, but she was surprisingly friendly with me? She decided to find a new vein today because she said the old one was overused and going hard?

Left the bag of nibbles with the receptionist and poddled to the bus stop and caught a bus into town. Arthur Itis seemed to be easing off, ni idea why, but I was pleased with this. The back continued to give me some jip, though.

Dropped off the bus and walked to Upper Parliament Street to catch one to Morrison’s in Netherfield. Took a photo of the crowds on Clinton Street. It reminded me of New York, with the moody sunshine and folks all wrapped up well.

I got to the bus-stop and looked up to take a photo of Centre Mission and Church.

I said a few words asking for the easing of pains for a few friends who are suffering at the moment.

The bus arrived, swiped my bus-pass and enjoyed the sunshine as we drove out through town, Colwick and to Netherfield. I’d decided to go to Morrisons cause Iceland’s website, wouldn’t take my order for delivery.

I checked the times of the buses to go back, not a bad service, three an hour during the daytime.

I’m afraid I bought some ‘Naughty foods’ : Strawberry desserts (3), Hartleys mandarins in jelly (4) Honey coated cashew nuts, honey yogurt… Tsk!

Gravy granules, dried vegetables, Fresh roasting vegetable pack and spent £12.28.

Timed it well to get the bus back to town. Got to Queen Street, and again was lucky with the timing as the L9 turned up at he bus stop as I did. (Getting a bit worried about things going right for me at this point, my EQ told me I was going to pay for it later!)

I even fell asleep on the bus, but woke up as it was driving into Chestnut Walk outside the flats, brilliant!

As I got into the foyer, a lady there spoke to me, as I checked to see if there was a washing machine free in the laundry room, (No, all in use) and I could feel the blood running down my arm onto my gloves. I had to leave her rather abruptly as I hastened up to the flat, into the bathroom and cleaned it up, and had to put some Brute aftershave on it to get it to stop. (Stung a bit that did, hehe!)

Put the things away in cupboards and fridge, had to manipulate the contents of the freezer to make room for stuff to go in.

Kettle on, and started to prepare the nosh.

Took a photo through the window of the glorious clouds.

I stayed in the kitchen and read my book while the fodder was cooking, and kept a close eye on it.

I thought it came out okay.

I made some lamb gravy to add to it. The vegetables were not too bad. Added beetroot and a cooked chicken thigh.

Added beetroot and a cooked chicken thigh.

A pot of the Strawberry dessert for afters, and moved it all into the front room on a tray, to eat on my knee while I watched TV.

The idea turned out not to be a good one! The Whoopsiedangleplop proved this!

I managed to fall asleep and dropped the tray and fodder off of my knee. Bits of the meal were spread on my dressing gown, slippers, the carpet, on and under the arm chair & cover… I swore quite a bit.

Fetched Horatio the Hoover, and in combination with Boris the mini Black & Decker hand vacuum, set about cleaning the mess up.

Down on the knees to clean under the chair (Roger Reflux, Anne Gina and Arthur Itis were not pleased with this and had been giving me anguish ever since, Humph), picking the bits up by hand that had somehow gotten everywhere and it felt like into every crevis! Sprayed fabric deodoriser, over the materials, then passed the wind, and sprayed citrus fresh air spray all over. Getting back up was not an easy or pain-free job either.

In the middle of all this sorting, the phone went; It was the Iceland delivery???

I thought their system told me they could not take my order? I had no email to inform me about it? Had to re-sort the freezer again to make room for the chips that were delivered.

Had to re-sort the freezer again to make room for the chips that were delivered.And how I managed to order this great big box of 

And how I managed to order this great big box of Surf is anyone’s guess?

Still, the Whoopsiedangleplop got me to clean the room up a bit, Hehe!

Had a cuppa, felt sorry for me, a little depressed and put the TV on.

I succeeded in watching a whole programme, then off into the land of nod, at last!

It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part Five – Starting school year…

I was born in 1947, an accident for sure,

Mother now long gone, to void being arrested,

This fact I was content to inure,

By Auntie Gail then, I was molested,

I loved it, thought she was a treasure,

Then going to school, this is where my sanity was tested!

*****

Avoiding being beaten up several times each day,

Keeping the bully boys at bay,

Being called a Nancy for wanting to learn,

Having three other jobs, for spending money to earn,

Paper rounds, Saturday job & wood bundling; jobs I couldn’t spurn

For Dad said, I had to Pay-As-You-Earn!

*****

I had to earn enough cash for the school meals daily to eat,

I’d have agreed to being adopted in a heartbeat,

But Aunt Gail didn’t ask, and we never again did meet,

Oh, how I did cry and wailed, I was so downbeat!

*****

I continued working, bundling the fire-wood,

Grafting away every hour that I could.

Doing extra night shifts, when they asked, I would.

The long tiring hours stood me well later in adulthood,

Then the boss showed me how to saw the wood,

He left me to carry on, there was so much blood!

*****

When the plank shot up off the bench, it caused a conflagration,

Then landed on he head, causing a nasty indentation,

The emergency services arrived, quite an accumulation,

Firemen, ambulancemen, police, a right altercation,

The ambulancemen gave me a perambulation,

To the Children Hospital, where they gave me an investigation,

I was sent home within the hour, Dad offered words of caution:

If my dinner isn’t ready when I get home again, they’ll be an argumentation!

Ah, memories…

Sat 5 Mar 16: Inchcock Today: Far too many Whoopsiedangleplops late in the day. Humph!

*****

Saturday 5th March 2016

I stirred around 0500hrs, after a night of more waking than sleeping and reflected on the disturbing dreams I had earlier.

I read somewhere that: Humans are constantly making evaluations about the direction of movement in time of systems perceived as relevant, concerning whether things are moving to the better or, the worse.

Whoever wrote this was dead right in my case this morning! I felt rotten, pessimistic, miserable and an overwhelming feeling that something so disastrous was going to take place, it would destroy my hopes and incapacitate my mind? Wicked emotions.

I glanced down at the mini Otterman at the side of my 1959 imitation leather armchair.

The items on it made me think of how life is nowadays for Nottingham’s Puerile Pensioner.

A book about WW2 memories of a sniper, and a Bygones newspaper, all stuff from the past. Which is where I belong I suppose.

Anne Gyna and Roger Reflux Valve have never given me so much of a bashing at the same time before. This means I cannot do any cleaning in the flat, and that really annoys me and gets me down. How long before they give me a break? No sleep as such for a couple of nights now. I didn’t go out yesterday and feel ashamed of my lack of enthusiasm for anything. Still, I did get an idea for a funny post when I was on the throne earlier this morning. That actually cheered me up for a few minutes, and then I went into the kitchen and saw the state of it and the need for cleaning, and felt down again. I must not give up, though, and try to do what I can later, else it will get too much to do when I do feel better?

That’s all my grumbling and griping done now, sorry about that.

Made a cuppa and took the medications. Laptop on and finished Fridays dairy off.

Made another cuppa and took an extra 30g Codeine phosphate.


Started and finally finished the Lavatory post. It might get some laughs, I hope, cause it’s all true!

Had a jolly good bath and spit and polished up myself.

Off out, and met Norman at the lift, Norman is the other 93-year-old who I went to Sainsburys with the other week. We had a good natter and caught the L8 bus into Sherwood, where Norman caught a bus to Arnold, and I crossed the road and got on one into town. A grand chap is Norman.

When I got into town, I dropped off the bus at Victoria Centre.The new

The new American Diner was not doing very well trade-wise, lots of empty chairs and tables outside. Mind you, the Big Issue seller woman would have driven any customers away with the poor thing repeating “Big Issue, Big Issue, please!” in her accent that made it sound like “Big Tissue Tease!” I felt a bit sorry for her and slipped her a quid as I passed by into the Mall.

I limped up the escalators to the top floor and made my way to the hardware stall, and took this photographicalisation of some layabout shoplifters having a rest in the ‘S’ seats.

I proceeded in an Easterly direction and arrived at the Market and commenced to have a wander around the stalls.

I got three bars of their Carbolic soap at 50p (72cents) each.

Then as I making my way to the other end of the Mall, approaching the escalator to go down a floor, the damned back started to stab at me and the Anne Gyna joined in – Humph and Tsk!

As I got near to Tesco, I called in the HMV shop – a terrible mistake and I knew it at the time that my bank balance was going to get a battering! I dare not say how much I spent, but I only went in to see if had any Hetty Wainthrope DVD’s in, but they didn’t; Unfortunately for me they did have a full James Bond compilation and a Jonathan Creek episode I’d not seen before, and … Oh, shame on me, spending again!

I limped painfully to Tesco and spent, even more, Lamb Hotpots, Seaweed snacks, Potato Cakes, Bread thins and even had to buy a bag to carry them home in.

Getting very weary now, and the bothersome pains were not getting any better.some 

I walked through Trinity Square and took a photo to post on Facebook, of some Bling for the TFZ lads, and one of the pigeons I slipped clandestinely some seed to.

Hobbled and struggled to the bus stop, and caught one back to Winchester Street.

I took a photograph through the bus windows of the Nottinghomians milling about. 

The reflection from the glass made it look a little odd I thought. 

We were soon on the hill where I dropped off and managed to cross the road without any undue hiatus this time.

At least, my spirits had risen a little as I made it back safely to the flats and visited the lavatory!

Made a cup of tea and put the things away. While doing this the wind suddenly got up, so much so I feared the block of flats might tumble over.

A light mix of snow and rain came later, but soon dissipated, the wind remaining, but not so bad as an hour earlier.

I started to make the meal.

Laptop on and started this diary update.

Feeling tired, weary and in pain with the Anne Gyna and lower back. But avoided feeling sorry for myself for once, and started singing to myself as I proceeded to check the fodder cooking regularly.

Put the lamb hot-pot into the oven for a while, then added the chopped vegetables, leeks, carrots, onions, and swede. Sprayed some oil on them, and added them to the oven tray with the hot-pot. A little bit of advice for other Senior Citizens attempting to prepare vegetables for roasting. When chopping them up nice and small so they cook quicker, please make sure the chopping tray is firmly secured on a flat surface. This may prevent the whole shebang tipping over onto the kitchen floor, a lot of very painful cleaning up, much bad language and pissing yourself off.

Then I chopped some more veg and put some garden peas in the saucepan on a low light.

While the cooking was progressing, I checked the TV paper and found something I fancied watching.

Got the fodder out and added some beetroot, three small slices of brown Irish Soda Bread slices, a strawberry dessert, and would have added a mini pot of ice-cream, but I forgot about it and left it on the side when I took it our of the freezer, where I found it hours later, picked it up and the liquid poured out – right onto the spot where all the chopped veg fell earlier.

Rated this effort at 9.25/10.

Onto the tray, into the front room, TV on, settled in the 1959 damaged imitation leather armchair and started to watch Top Gear.

Ate the food, fell asleep and woke up with the tray and the remnants of its contents on the floor in front of me, bread crumbs, bits of veg residue, gravy and cutlery spread out on the carpet, the Ottoman cover, and my pajamas!

At this point, I lost the little buoyancy I’d accrued during the day, and quickly turned into a self-pitying pathetic, depressed old man, my spirits sank with all the many Whoopsiedangleplops I’d suffered in the last few hours. Of course, all the bending to repeatedly to clean them up had now caused Anne Gyna to give me more hassle. Breathing is painful and not easy.

This may have had something to do with the fact that I could not get to sleep again? I watched all the programs until I eventually nodded off three hours or so later.

I woke up around 0200hrs, Oh great, then the Reflux Valve started. No more sleep, much more self-pitying and the like until I decided to force myself to get up around 0500 hrs.

Tsk! Right fed-up I am now. Still, I can have a carbolicalisationing session in the bath later. Hehe!

Going to the Lavatory In Nottingham: 2016 versus 1954 Style!

Nottingham 2016’s v 1954’s Trips to the Lav’

Easy Peasy nowadays!

I wake in the middle of the night regularly nowadays here in the new flat, in urgent need of the facilities in the bathroom. Often called the toilet, loo, bog, privvie,  ****house or Outhouse over the years.

The Inchcock household used to call it the Lav (Lavatory).

Nowadays, getting to the ‘Lav’ is easy peasy compared to how I had to struggle in 1954 to get to the outside ‘Lav’ – a brick built up against the railway viaduct wall that carried the trains that shook the bog and house everytime an express went past. Adjoined to the row of other WC’s and coal houses.

Today, I arise, convince my arthritis to allow me the short few yards walk to the ‘Lav’, put the light on, do my business, wash my hands in hot water, using carbolic soap or washing up liquid, dry myself, hang the towel back up turn off the light and hobble the best part of eight feet back to the 1954 imitation leather armchair with the collapsing with age arms, and back to kip.  

There is so little in comparison to what I had to go through to do the same from 1952 to 1954! Except the carbolic soap, I’ve alway liked the smell of that, it reminds me of a girl who use to work in service I knew. Big gal, Margaret, solid as a rock and always up for a bit of… oh, I lost the plot there, sorry.

I can still get the carbolic soap off a stall in Victoria Market, in fact, I might have nip into town on Monday and get some more in.

In the Good old Days of 1954ish, here is what a trip to the ‘Lav’ meant going through:

I’d wake up, usually when the 0125 hr (Then the 0225hrs and so on) London express train belted by the house and shook the bedroom, roof slates would fall off, windows would rattle, ice would fall off the windows in winter, the light would swing about (Not that I had a bulb in it very often, Dad didn’t like to waste money)  and shook the whole place for a minute or so after it had gone.,

I would remove the great coats, Dad’s old uniform jackets and the blanket off of the bed, then get out from beneath, feeling so cold, and step onto the oh so cold lino-covered floor and generally, kick the Guzunder, or tip it over.

Then the struggle to get some of the freezing clothes on top of the jammies to help keep me warm on the journey, for it certainly was a journey going to the Outside ‘Lav’ in those days.

I had to be careful not to make any noise that would wake Dad up, or I’d be in for it!

Taking care not to knock the tin Guzunder against anything, I start down the wooden uncarpeted, unlit stairs down to the Kitchen. I knew which of the stair treads creaked and would avoid them. Not easy when trying not to spill the wee from the gazunder I was carrying so as to empty it in the ‘Lav’.

Some of the other residents had lagged the ‘Lav’s’ pipes and made them look almost homely. (Which they were compared to ours, and even our house!). Dad thought this a was another waste of money.

Then to unlock the back door quietly, it had three well-rusted bolts, no locks.

Then the challenge of getting across the yard to the ‘Lav’, if I ran, difficult carrying the guzunder mind, I’d not get so cold. So a mad dash and into the ‘Lav’. Try not to bang the door, empty the Guzunder and do my business.

This could prove a hiatus in my actions because often in winter the pipes would freeze-up.

The return journey was fraught with danger. I dare not pull the chain because our WC was a lot noisier than the others for some reason.

Out from the cold dark ‘Lav’ into the cold dark night, across the yard and into the cold dark house.

No hot water to wash my hands in of course cold was available providing the pipes hadn’t frozen.

Getting up the stairs without causing any creaking of the stair steps was difficult. With my little legs getting over two to avoid the noisy ones was hard, sometimes I dropped the Guzunder. Dad would appear as soon as the clattering started on the Gazunder’s way down the stairs, he’d smilingly belt-me around the head, pick me up and throw me into my so-called bedroom while informing me of the consequences of any repeat performance of waking him up again!

Early in the morning (0415 hrs) Dad would kindly belt on the bedroom door, informing me it was time to get up and go to the paper shop for my morning newspaper delivery round.

Ah, memories!

Fri 4 Mar 16 Inchcock Today: Plans, hopes and health deteriorated throughout this day. Humph!

*****

Friday 4th March 2016

If you’d made gravy like wot I did today, you wouldn’t risk going too close to it either. Urgh! Hehe!

Good Morning each.

Another night of my waking up between dreams. I think most of them were about being frustrated at work again? The now, almost usual climbing up walls, onto and over roofs, with one odd one out about being sentenced in Court to life imprisonment, by the female judge that looked a lot like cyber friend Marissa Bergen? Well, she kept alternating between playing her guitar and drums throughout the trial? I had no idea what the charge was, but recall occasionally ducking down behind the dock and roasting some vegetables on a griddle?

I got up with relative ease this morning, and toddled to the Porcelain and used the throne. Bleeding again still, but nowhere near as much. And the back was easier too, no stabbing pains at all yet. (Give it time though).

I made up some gravy, ready to use later. I was going to store it in the fridge until it needed to be added to the Beef pie when I made it. I have no idea what, well; I assumed I’d put something into it by mistake, but when I dipped my finger in to taste it, Cor blimus, did taste ‘orrible! I decided to just use oxo cubes later on and avoid the fancy recipe Sister Jane gave me to try in future.

It wasn’t looking too bad outside. I was partially pleased with the photo I took from the kitchen window of a group of dog-wakers, way away on the steep footpath that leads up to Woodthorpe Grange Park. As I took it, tiny bits of snow began to fall. It must be cold out there; they are all wrapped up well.

Made a cuppa and took the medications. I was thinking of having an early bath, but the hot water didn’t seem to get hot?

I must get to the laundry room today. I’ll leave it until the bus is due.

Laptop on, another cuppa, finished a graphicalisation off for a post.

Then, set about to trying to find out how to change from Formal to Casual recognition on Grammarly checks. It took me over three hours searching and experimenting to find out how to do it. Of course, it’s so easy when you learn how to. Tsk!

Late now for the laundry, but I’ll get abluted and dressed, then go down to see if a machine is available, got to be done like.

Back in a bit. (I hope).

All the machine being used, so no laundering today.

Back to the flat, WC decided to have a bath. Still no hot water. Humph! 

The snow had kept off, but the sky looked ominous out there.

I felt a bit weary earlier than usual today.

The vision blurred a bit, and the back and Angina is giving me some grief now.

So, I decided to make the fodder while I was feeling up to it.

Had the rumbling innards start again now, too.

I got a beef pasty, roast vegetables with parsnips added, boiled cubes potatoes and made some gravy. Had a banana after the fodder.

Not up to eating much of it, though.

I faded and fell asleep on and off for a couple of hours, feeling grotty each time I stirred.

Made a cuppa and took the medications.

The mobile rang, it was the Doctors Surgery changing the time of my appointment for Mondays Warfarin INR blood level test.

While up, I got the laptop back on and changed the time of the appointment on the Google Diary before I forgot to. If that wasn’t bad enough, I realised I’d missed my appointment at the clinic when I altered the calendar. Bunglelworthy I am!

Didn’t do much else other than wash the pots and threw away the uneaten food.

Checked what was on the TV, in the hope, that I’d stay awake long enough to watch Hetty Wainthrope Investigates. Then realised I’d been looking at the wrong day, and Hetty was not on tonight.

Whatever it was I watched, it was in a repeating mishmash of periods of 2-3 minutes wakefulness followed by ten minutes a kip… I’ve no idea why I didn’t just give in earlier to the sleep, The pains from Anne Gyna and the feelings of impending doom and anticipated looming catastrophe. I felt suddenly horribly depressed.

When I did try to get off into the land of nod, I waking up feeling, erm what’s the word? Apprehensive, timid, nervous perhaps. I can’t explain why, but need to get help if this continues. I’ve never felt like this before in my life.

In the midst of all this physical and mental uncomfortableness and apprehension, I had to visit the throne in the bathroom. No bleeding from either end should have cheered me up a tad. I had an idea for a post I thought might be humorous: ‘Nipping to the lavatory over the years.

How do I get ideas like this when I’m suffering so and sat on the throne? And not when I’m in a logical state of mind; when I want to get an idea when I’m sat at the laptop looking for an idea. 

So I wrote this down here to remind me in the morning. Else I might forget it, I fear.

Hello, poetry? Hehe! I got the laptop on and updated this diary while I thought of it.

Although by now, it was well past my usual time for getting up – I got my head down, and a few minutes at most later, I awoke with few memories of a long dream I just had.

Horrible they were, everything going wrong, frustrating, hate-filled nasty people chasing me, and I was back on the rooftops running away from hundreds of people, ending up at a petrol station in the Outback of Australia, kangaroos all around. Not being chased anymore now, I fell in love with the lady putting petrol in my car…

I don’t understand how so much could have been dreamt about in such a short time?

But I was still in pain and depressed when the Reflux Valve joined in with Anne Gyna to make me even more sorry for myself.

So around 0500 hrs I got up, and needed another trip to the throne? Oh dear, I’m fed-up.

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