Month: January 2015

Inchcock Today: Fri 9th Jan 2015 – Feeling rough!

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Took me ages to get off to kip last night… or I should say this morning, think I got off around 0030hrs then sprang awake at 0315hrs… a-coughing and a a-sneezing with rumbling innards.

But bits of a dream had stayed with me. I’m losing them as I type so I’ll get em down now while I can if yer don’t mind.

Different women who in the dream I thought I knew but could not put a name too – Many of them were telling me off – in a factory or shop with many many rooms and passages – I had to find something for them but couldn’t and they did not like that – Old washing house in the basement? – giant tablets with legs following me – then on giant cargo ship again… lost – being chased again to have my nappy changed, giant pin the size of a coat hanger? In a life-boat with Albert Einstein, we were both enjoying smoking a pipe, I even knew the baccy was Erinmore Mixture?

No… the rest has gone now. Tsk!

Got up and dizzies again, tried WC – no action? Knees bad despite the extra gel I put on last night. Might not be a good day again fer me today?

Determined to get out later for a bit of  walk and take some photos if possible.

Started this diary made cuppa and took me medications between sneezes coughs and passings of wind from various orifices.

Did a bit of Facebooking, but very hard to concentrate.

WC – haemorrhoids bleeding now – what next? (Double Tsk!).

Read a bit more of me book. Then titivated myself ready for me walk to town later.

As I set off the rain was slight but the wind heavy (weather-wise and medically speaking).

0501BTboxAs I struggled up Mansfield Road near the cemetery near to where I have come across the Specialist Nottingham Street artists work many times in the past, some irk or irks had forced open what I think was  a telephone connection box and rearranged many of the wires plugs etc . Looking at the photo now maybe it was not a telephone connection box? All I know is they made a decent job of the malicious re-wiring of it. (Tsk, little monkeys!)

The rain stopped and the sun came out to pay. (It didn’t fool me though I knew it’d be back).

0502cafesLimped through Vic centre called in Tesco for me bread and plodded on and being lunchtime I expected to see the expensive outdoor seating  cafes to be doing well now the weather had temporarily cheered up like. But not a single customer in any of them?

The drizzle started again as I hobbled to Broad marsh Shopping Centre and visited the 99p shop, where I got some 0503bmstuff for the nurses on Monday. As I walked out of there I poddled into the Poundland shop on the lower floor to get some cheap tea-spoons… now there is mysterious thing… how do I keep losing and replacing me tea-spoons all the time and never find those disappeared ones again? It’s the same with me socks yer know? Oh, got some of them at two pair for a quid too.

Oh, and they were selling ‘comfort Bras for the ladies at Two-for-a-quid as well?

I went to have a look at the DVD sale shop but nothing interested me there… well there was a rather chunky lady unknowingly flashing a bit of bare skin in my direction… but ? I digress. 

0504bm2I got a couple of odd looks from the staff as I photographed the bra stand. Hehe!

A bit further along I saw some ladies watches in a window and took a photo so the female bloggers and TFZ gals can pick out a favourite one for me to buy it for em when I win the lottery big like. I’m not sure how I’m going to without remembering to buy a ticket though.

0505Lister2As I came out of the mall the rain was still holding off – for about 100 yards.

As I was discreetly dropping some seeds to the pigeons it pouted down, so I ducked into the Primark shop and camera in hand had a walk about while sheltering from the downpour.

I took no end of photos for the TFZ gals to pick fault at, desire and comment on Facebook about, I hope.

0506Clinton

Holding hands? Surely not!

I purchased some more of the long sleeve thick tea-shirts and two jammy-bottoms on offer down to £3 each that looked nice and warm to wear. The arthritis was bad at this point but the angina ulcer and coughing had eased.

I departed the store and walked up Clinton Street in the now light drizzle just in time to spot some Constables (CPO’s) tackling one of the famous Nottingham shoplifters. It takes more than a bit of rain to put them off yer know!

 0507busI went around the corner with my me once again heavy bags to the bus-stop… the right word here – the buses had stopped.

Coudn’t see any reason but it was ages before the bus arrived late naturally and with the pleasant peasants of Nottingham moaning groaning and grunting I got on the bus. (Hehe!) The gal with the reddish hair let vent vehemently I can tell yer. I felt a tad sorry for the poor old driver.

0508carAs I got off the bus and was walking towards my street I noticed someone had an English flag mounted on his car ariel.

A bit brave that around here I thought.

Not many folk around either… ah, they’ll be picking up their apprentice muggers from school I thought.

When I got in the bomb-site and WC’d I found a letter from the Dentist reminding of the appointment on the 21st January and the £55 charge if I fail to attend. Bless them.

Made a cuppa and got this diary started.

WC.

The knees were well worn and I felt suddenly weary, but the upheaval in the innards was much better.

I must remember to take the things down for the Nottingham Hospice shop in the morning.

I’m certain there is something else I have to do as well… but…

Had steak in gravy and instant cheesey-potatoes tonight, followed by iced lollies and Raspberry ripple mousse, digested while listening to the howling-wind and creaking bones when I moved to the WC frequently through out the night.

I think I might just be getting a little old now?.

Inchcock Today: Thursday 8th January 2014

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Woke up for WC usage and recalled some bits of dreams I’d had – made notes.

0315 hrs: Up WC – feeling a bit giddy, got up and had a dizzy (Oh, that almost rhymes). Not a portent for the day  hope.

Started the laptop made a cuppa and started this diary.

The dream/s:

Note 1: At T-Junction traffic lights – me crossing the road and three lanes of waiting traffic, as I walked across the lanes of traffic went from three lanes into eight or nine?

Couldn’t get across as the distance increased, lights changes traffic crawling slowly toward me – the drivers had no faces.

Recognised vehicles, all old, Hillman Humber, Singer Gazelle, American Jeep, Austin ambulance and Austin A40?

These turned into giant Dinky toy models and they all stopped moving?

I was suddenly on Mansfield Road in Sherwood Nottingham, picking up dead meat flies in the middle of the road?

Note 2: Locked in a room – couldn’t get out, plastic forks? Giant hands trying to grab me from above as I ran around the room hiding behind a massive frozen chicken – gave up and grabbed a finger of one hand and it exploded? – Being told off by a woman who poked me in the eye with her finger?

Ah well.

WC’d: realised the haemorrhoids were bleeding. cleaned missen and applied me creams. Arthur Itis not as bad at the moment as it has been. Angina lingering a bit still. Pain gelled me knees.

Bad dizzy-spells came on, doddery on feet now… decided not to go out at all today.

WC.

Rumbling innards coughing and a-sneezing.

Shortest diary ever?

Zimmer Frame Squeaks prepare for their first performance under New Manager Marissa Bergen!

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EH01

Sadly during rehearsals six member of the Zimmer Frame Squeaks passed-away while they were singing “Beep-bop-a-hula” and got carried away with the dancing!

Marissa Bergen, the new Manager and Incontinence Nurse to the newly formed and ever changing Retirement homes ‘Zimmer Frame Squeaks’ pop group spoke with ‘Entertainment Today’ roving reporter Shirley Blamey-Much.

Shirley asked Marissa how things were going with the launch of the Rest Home for Insanitary Sufferers new senior citizen band ‘The Zimmer Frame Squeaks’ début performance.

Ms Bergen explained: “It’s not that easy at all you know. Six of the seven in the band have conked-out this week alone, EHx01now I only have Juan Inchcock left and he’s in hospital.

I went to visit him yesterday to tell him of the changes I’m making and to increase my percentage payments to 40% of the takings. In future I will not be allowing any of the residents over 90 years of age to join the band, sensible as their age would not allow for a long term career for them anyway would it?

The newly formed The Zimmer Frame Squeaks has only four members in it now – I explained that any more would eat into my earnin… I mean their earnings if too many of the old codgers were needing to be paid.

I’ll get them on X-Factor first, assuming the waiting will not be too long of course, don’t want to lose any more of them before the show eh? So I’ve banned then eating cream cakes and from having carnal practices until after their first recording is made and released.

EHx02My butler got a call from Inchcock this morning, it seems he’s recovering yet again and is not happy with my plans for the geriatric group.

So I called to see him again and took him in the alley and we had words.

He soon saw it my way and I told A&E on the way out where to find the body.

So the New Zimmer Frame Squeaks will be performing next week at the EHx03Ukrainian Okaboogu Social Club in Nottingham, and if all goes well, the following week they should be on Z Factory.

I’ve hired  fleet of mobility scooters for them at a very reasonable charge.

EHx05“Well” replied Shirley, “that sounds fair enough to me, shall we go for a drink now gal?”

“You bet Missy!”

And off they went and got paralytic.

More news to follow when Shirley goes to the Nursing Home to interview Inchcock before he croaks out!

Inchcock Today: Wed 7th January 2015

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Up at 0210hrs. Laid thinking about the dreams I’d had.

WC’d, started laptop went and made a cuppa.

Couldn’t recall too much of the dream just bits:

I was having for some reason I can’t remember to run between different shops and was panicking, rushing and feeling under great pressure. Some of the shops I remember as one’s that I’d worked at others were new to me? I had a pack of mezuzah’s with me and was attaching one to each door I entered? That’s all I recall of that dream.

In another, I was on an oil tanker at sea, and was running around (again) trying to sell everyone on board, and there were many more crew members than needed, in fact I think some were falling off the ship into the sea, but seemed happy to do so… to sell them each a packet of cooked chestnuts? I think I and everyone else were speaking in French? Not that I can speak French… but?

WC’d.

Stomach churning, chest congested and I was coughing again. Arthur Itis and angina lingering again. All in all, not feeling too good today. Even worse when I heard the wind banging the letter box flap and the rain belting down!

Then the Coreldraw9 or laptop stopped me from viewing anything before I imported it! Turned everything off and restarted but it wasn’t having it at all.

Depressed about that – but it was letting me watch YouTube again, so I did until it was time to get missen scrubbed-up and down ready for the Iceland delivery between 1100 > 1300 hrs.

WC.

Had a cuppa took me medications and read me book while I waited. As the possible delivery time neared I took me reading glasses up as I went to the WC so as not to leave the door in case the delivery came.

Continued reading me book until the Iceland van arrived – took it in and put the stuff way but was a tad confused (Not a rarity I know!), when  found two packs of Chicken legs had been delivered. Don’t recall ordering them, but knowing me?…

Set off but not on a walk as originally planned due to the wind and rain, and caught a bus into Mansfield using me Pensioners Bus-pass of course.

Read some more of me book en-route. I was going to take some photos out of the bus window but they were were too muddied.

0301When I got into Mansfield bus-station I waddled down to the open Market. There was a police van parked on the market, no one it it and not many folk about either.

The rain was still coming and it was getting a little gloomy.

I poddled around and made my way up the hill to the B&M store and popped in, but they nowt I fancied or needed on show. But I saw some really cute 0303kids booties on sale that I took a photo of on display.

I left empty-handed and limped up the road to the Pound Stretcher outlet and had a wander around in there. They had the Warburton bread-thins on sale at £1, and some cans of All Day Breakfast at 89p so I invested in one of each.

0304I took a photograph of the end of a gondola that was displaying clearance-reduced in price clocks.

Top shelve £1.99

Next shelf down £3.99

Next shelf down £6.99

Rather good value I thought.

I retreated and out of the store s the security guard approached me!

0302As I came out it was like deja-vu of the last time I took a photograph from that place and angle – depressing!.

There was even more outlets for sale or to rent than two months ago.

A female warden was taking photos of the cars parked in between the lines. Despite the wind and rain she had a smirky-smile on her face bless her! Nice to see someone enjoying their job innit?

Walked back to the bus station and caught one back to Carrington.

The journey would have been pleasant if I had a TV and watched Coronation Street. A lady with a loud piercing voice shouted at her friend sat next to her and just to my left all the time about Coronation Street! It didn’t bother me really… bless her.

I dropped off the bus and the rain abated.

0305I was going to go directly back to the hovel, but didn’t like the look of three yobs sat on the bench near the cut-though drinking plonk. So I went the long way past St John’s Church.

While taking this photo a burk-on-a-bike belted passed me on the pavement, and skidded at the end of the road near the corner and came off of his bike.

Made my day that did.

Got in the hovel feeling a bit more cheerful thanks to the git on the pavement falling off his bike.

WC – made a cuppa and started the laptop, searched for me reading glasses for ages. Eventually found them in the bathroom where I’d taken them so as not to lose them this morning. Tsk!

Took me medications and finished off this diary.

Did some work on a graphic to use later, and coreldraw was letting me preview now? Not complaining at all mind. not while the wonderful picture of the yob toppling of his bike remains in my mind…

The “Zimmer Frame Squeak’s” Pop Group formed by Inchcock

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Nottingham Pensioner inspired by Englebert Humperdink’s comeback!

EH02Arnold George Dorsey was born in Madras one of ten children to British Army NCO Mervyn Dorsey, who was of Irish descent, and his wife Olive, who was of German descent.

His impression of Jerry Lewis prompted friends to begin calling him “Gerry Dorsey”, a name he worked under for almost a decade. A name-change to the more arresting Engelbert Humperdinck, borrowed from the German 19th-century composer of operas such as Hansel and Gretel. Dorsey adopted the name professionally.

On 1 March 2012, the BBC announced that Humperdinck would represent the United Kingdom in the final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012.

Juan found out about this in 2014 during one of his rare moments of awareness.

Henglebert Eumperdink’s return to sing in the Euro-vision Song Contest for England, has inspired the Nottingham pensioner and former Bottle Cork Tester Juan Inchcock to form a musical group from within his Nottingham City Hospital Rehabilitation Group members.

EH01

Manager and lead singer of the group Inchcock (69) commented on the forming of the group to our reporter Lint Onitt:

“The group currently consists of Arthur Itis (71), Cis Titus (60), Anne Gina (67), Con Genital (59), Ed Imma (82), Dee Zees (63), and Harry Thmia (63), but of course any one could pop their clogs at any-time, so we have a few reserves to replace them as and when we do drop off like.”

We waited while Mr Inchcock coughed up some blood-laced black gooey phlegm, limped to the WC to pass water, returned looking pale and shaky, smiled, adjusted his hearing aids and then continued:

“Our first recording is a mix of Bernard Bresslaw’s ‘They were making mad passionate love’, Bernard Cribbin’s ‘Right said Fred’, and Morecome & Wises ‘Boom Oooh Yatatata’, with a backing sounding similar to ‘Your a Pink toothbrush, I’m a blue toothbrush’ from Max Bygraves.”

EH03

I was flabbergasted, Juan had caught my attention with that statement.

Mr Inchcock scratched at his impetigo, and picked at the welts on his hands for a while, hobbled to the WC again, and returning muttering to himself about the Outer Mongolian Gungo bean crop being down by 2.6% in 1969, rubbed his arthritic knees then added:

“Although some parts of the recording were originally made in 1959, we think this song will impress the younger generation – when we first played it to the Rehabilitation staff here at the centre, they were speechless!”

He struggled to the WC, continuing when he returned covering his flies area with his welt covered finger bent crooked hands:

“And the sound is original too, not many songs out there that are recorded using a bazooka, comb and paper, and live recordings from the operating theatre!

We call our group ‘The Zimmer Frame Squeak’s’…”

At this point Mr Inchcock coughed, went white, passed wind and collapsed in a flabby heap on the floor, and was collected by the porters, carried to the WC and then taken out through the back doors.

Group member Arthur Itis (71) called out “Right I’ll take over now, we’ll do Bill Hayleys ‘Rock around the clock instead now Juan’s clocked out!”

If he survives, we will try to bring you more on this new old genre in music!

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 6th January 2015

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Kept waking up throughout the night and each time I think I remembered parts of different dreams, but foolishly did not write any notes to trigger me into remembering them later to record here. Had a feeling I really wanted to, but no.

Got up at 0315hrs. Started laptop and made a cuppa.

WC’d.

Finalised and posted yesterdays Diary. Then started this one up to here… felt so low again for some reason.

The angina was okay, Arthur Itis still bad, the ulcer was okay, but I had specks of blood in both ear-holes?. I cleaned the ear-pieces of them both yesterday, wondered if I did not rinse them fully?

WC then another cuppa and took me medications.

Pottered about on Facebook and did some graphics for the TFZ stite.

Got the things ready to take to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop. Then had a scrub up and got ready to go on me walk into Sherwood. Radio Nottingham said it was gong to be -3c tonight. Tsk!

Raining this morning bit windy but not cold now.

0202Set off on me walk up the first hill and down, where  took a photo of the traffic half way down.

The ran seemed to be lessening somewhat now – but the twit in the Mercedes still turned into the side road without signalling.

I carried on down the hill and up the next to the Hospice  shop and dropped me stuff off.

Came out and stood at the bus-stop, where I had an interesting conversation with an elderly lady took place. (I think – we were both wearing hearing aids):

Me: “The rain seems to be easing off a bit!”

The Lady: “They all say it’s due to the Poll Tax yer know!”

Me: “Yes?”

0203End of conversation.

I wonder what it was she thought I’d said? I was going to ask her but thought that would get us into an even deeper verbal pickle.

Bus to town and walked down to the City Centre to catch the tram to Bulwell. They were taking down the Winter Festival buildings this morning.

0204All I was going to Bulwell for was to take photographs of the market, feed the ducks and see if  could get some of them blackcurrant ice-cream lollies.

Got into reading me book and nearly missed me stop!

Went to the river Leen bridge and there were a few mallards today, so fed the little darlings.

0205The shopping trolley was still in the river. Tsk!

I wandered over to Fultons food shop but had none of me lollies in. They did have some microwave sausages in on special price though, so  got a tray. They’ll be me nosh for tonight.

Called in other shops but no lollies.

0206B&M stores had Heinz Curry flavoured beans at 4 for a quid. The bags were getting heavy now.

They also had some kids winter footwear at £3.99 to £5.99 on sale. They looked alright too, a bargain there for the ankle-biters shplifters… I mean parents.

Into the Pound Shop and got a bag of bird-seed and a can of fabric freshener. Very good when the wind emmissions get naughty you know!

Then into the market for a look around.

0207As I made my way to the bus-station the sky turned rather threatening again straight in front of where I was, but it was clear to the left and right?.

The rain started to get heavier and I sheltered under a bus-stop until the bus arrived.

I started nodding off on the bus, so got me book out and had a read like.

0208Phlegm coming up when I coughed now.

As I walked down the street to the hovel, I noticed a flower box with, maybe they were primroses battling the elements and growing in January.

I got in and WC’d and made a cuppa, started the laptop and made loads of microwave sausage sandwiches and set about demolishing them, followed by a Lemon yoghurt, ice lolly and a mousse and another cup of tea and me medications!

The stomach rumbled, the knees were painful, Arthur Itis was in a bad mood

Did some blogging and Facebooking and tiredness overcame me so I got me head down earlier then normal… Zzzzz…

Inchcock Today: Sun 4th/Mon 5th January 2015

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01Mon01

-3c at 0315hrs

Sunday 4th January 2015

What an odd dream, and I could remember some of it in detail this time:

I was stood in a massive luxurious gold plated bath with a sink inside it and a tool-box full of me medications and tools…

I could see myself putting the Haemorrhoid cream on my knees instead of  backside, the Painphor cream in my backside instead of me arthritic knees and calling to myself to stop… but I couldn’t hear myself warning me and then started eating the toothpaste, tube and all?

Something about my being young again and cuddled sat on the knees of a large lady…

Suddenly I was in the town centre walking across the slab-square juggling me pots of  medications and singing something while being dive bombed by Warfarin tablets dropped by mini Stuka aircraft?.

All through this particular dream I was watching rather than being and doing. if you know what I mean?

Ah-well. It was different to me usual dreams… I think?

0702medsArose 0315hrs and WC’d dropping me long distance glasses into the porcelain and cursing a bit as I retrieved and cleansed them. Tut – good start that  thought)

Then I went down to make a cuppa and took me medications.

Spent the rest of the day just doing blogging Facebook etc.

Monday 5th January 2015

0050hrs: Up and feeling so low for some reason.

WC.

The dream seemed to me like it had lasted so long. Full of frustrations from the past: I was working in a vast factory in security and was frustrated that I could not get every thing done in time… gatehouse duties, lorries in and out, checking loads, chasing around many units warehouses etc. All the buildings were made of planks of wood?

I felt depressed and frustrated for some reason this morning.

Went down to make a cuppa and boy did it feel cold downstairs! Found the heater in the front room had packed up – struggled to swap it with the one in the kitchen and that worked okay.

Brought me tea up and started the laptop – still a feeling of apprehension hung over me.

WC.

I  started doing this dairy when the stomach started churning again and the ulcer gave me bother for the first time in ages. The knees and feet still bad.

Want to get the laundry done today. (Or do I?)

 WC.

Made a cuppa and took me medications and Facebooked for a while.

0101This morning I found the laptop was allowing me to watch videos, only on YouTube mind, so I watched an old Law & Order UK episode.

I then got myself spit and polished and got the laundry things ready – two biggish bags-full again, and set off to the launderette.

Mandy was on duty and we managed a natter or two as I used one of the big machines that took all load of washing in one go – mistake that!

When it had stopped spinning and I went to take the togs out to put in the drier I found they were really wet. I mentioned this to Mandy and she said “Yes, the big machine spins at a slower speed that’s why.

I wish she’s told me that when I was putting the stuff on, ’cause it took £3.40 to get them dried. So by using the big machine instead of two smaller ones I’d saved 40p, but spent an extra £1.40 and an extra twenty minutes was needed to get em dry! Tsk!

Me chin needed shaving again by the time I got back to the flea-pit. (Joking there)

0102I put the togs away and set off for a walk into town, not a comfortable one but easier than the last walk anyway.

En-route I came across yet another piece of Nottingham Street-Art.

I walked through the Victoria centre so I could take a photo of the traffic from the high walkover. On the way through I was sorry to see they had blocked off one side of the walkway because someone was in difficulties of sort sort on the floor near an entrance to the shops and being tended by several folk while waiting for a paramedic.

0103

Nice mix of the old and new buildings?

On the walk-through I took me photo, not many folk about now Christmas and New Year have been and gone.

The muggers, pickpockets, Big Issue sellers and shoplifters must be having a break now.

I went into the Pound Shop and got some microwaveable Sausage Butties then back into Victoria centre and had a walk around the Market. Very sad, so many stalls unoccupied. The same in Derby as well.

Then I popped into the cheapo sweet shop and got some chocolate bars, then into Tesco.

Got some bread and lemon yoghurt… and do you know, I found a pack of French Cream Horns had found it’s way into me basket. Amazing that was!

0104aThe old knees and feet were stinging a bit now.

So I slowly made be way to the bus-stop. Passing ‘House of Fraser’ store window and this is what  saw and could not resist photographing.

I mean, the jeans on the right have got tears and holes in them and appear to have shrunk!

And those on the left look like they’ve not been ironed at all! And what’s the mouse looking thing near the crutch all about?

Fashion? Tsk!

0105As I exited the centre I spotted a driving-school car parked on the double-yellow lines. A Nissan Cube it were, and I thought could Mike Steeden be doing a second job here in Nottingham, cause I know he drives one yer know?

F1 driving school it were, I’ll ‘ave to look into this. Or not of course.

0106I poddled through Trinity Square and sneaked the pigeons some seed. I must stop doing this yer know – one day I’m going to get an instant £60 on-the-spot fine for it I’m sure.

I like the speeding three pigeons flying in at a belting pace from the right.

Down to the bus-stop and caught one straight away.

Some poor devil on the bus had a loud grating chesty cough that constantly burst out and annoyed some of the passengers? They were looking at her and tutting between each other.

Can you believe that? Poor woman, I gave her a smile as I got off the bus and said as loud as I could “Sorry your suffering with that horrible cough Madam, I do hope it eases for you, take care”. I hoped that might shame the moaners, but expect it had no effect at all on them.

0107Hobbled back to the dump and put me bit of food away.

WC’d.

Started the laptop and made a cup of good strong tea.

Then rubbed some Phorpain gel into me knees.

Set about updating this diary and AVG gave me various messages and needed a computer restart.

So I restarted it.

For me nosh I had sweet curried baked beans with sapocka loin and fresh bread, follows by two iced lollies, a yoghurt a lion bar and a pot of mousse. I can always tell when I’m getting down because my foos intake increases. Oh, and the two Fresh Cream French Horns that mysteriously appeared in me basket in Tesco – then took with me medications. Tsk!

Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder Tries to Interviews Inchcock!

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It’s been in the news lately about the failure of a Nottingham Lad, Juan Inchcock (68) to get himself adopted.

Marris01

MarissaLj

Marissa Mandible Grinder

He claimed that this miscarriage of justice was the fault of the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team. Saying they were wrong in divulging his insanitary habits and illnesses in the advertising when trying to get him re-homed, and that is why no-one came forward to offer him a home to live in, in safety.

MiksSpiv1

Mike Steedenski

Having been unsuccessful in his attempts to convince the Nottingham Social Services of his urgent need for sheltered housing or to be adopted, Juan Inchcock employed retired Big Issue seller tunred spiv, Mike Steedenski to act on his behalf in suing the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team.

This didn’t work out as planned however.

At the first meeting arranged by Mr Steedenski for Inchcock, it happened to be on one of Juan’s off days unfortunately.

Waiting for him were the Chief Constable for Metropolitan Police District of West Ham and the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder at the reception desk.

He arrived at the Offices still wearing his pyjamas, and was soon puzzled as to he got there in them and why the Chief Constable for the Metropolitan Police District of West Ham was in attendance!

MarisCLmike0

Juan’s First Visit

Marris02

Shirley shift Juan off site

The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder snapped her fingers and the Security Guard Shirley Meatmuncher attended and pointed to the door, accidentally knocking him off his walking stick then smiling as returned to her other duties.

Inchcock’s Mr Steedenski gathered him up and took him back to his flea-pit to get changed and return later in proper clothes.

He dropped Inchcock off in his £79,505 BMW M5 30 Years Edition, which has a ‘limited’ top speed of 199mph. On the road, that translates to a claimed 0-62mph time of 3.9sec, that limited 199mph top speed, while still managing a not-terrible 28.5mpg and CO2 emissions of 231g/km. As per protocol, it’s strictly rear-wheel drive. Power’s sent via a seven-speed dual clutch gearbox, which has had a few light software upgrades to cope with the extra muscle. Which, if our maths is correct, gives the 1870kg 30 Jahre a power to weight ratio of 317bhp per tonne. Underneath, you’ll find the same stuff as you would under the M5 Competition Package, so 10mm lowering springs, 20-inch wheels with 265/40 front tyres and huge 295/40s in the back. Elsewhere, the 30 Jahre has new steering and differential software, matt silver metallic bodyw… Sorry I got a bit carried off the storyline there…

MarisCLmike

Juan’s Second Visit

Mr Steedenski told Inchcock to get into some different attire and he’s meet him back at the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service in Nottingham.

Unfortunately Inchcock had one of his funny turns when he was getting changed.

However he did change into some different attire and returned to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices… The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had waited for him to come back so long, he had grown and restyled her hair. 

WD05Gaz

Security Guards Gaz and Lennard

This time he was thrown into the street unceremoniously. With Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder enjoyed giving the security burly guards a helping hand, although she maintained her smile throughout the belting she gave Inchcock.

She pointed out as she was giving him another belt around the head that if he didn’t return wearing decent clothes he would never get adopted or get a meeting with her again!

As Inchy burst into tears, he got out his pensioners bus-pass and made his way to the bus stop, sobbing uncontrollably.

He returned yet again to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices in Nottingham, nervous and timid as he approached the excellent landed of right hooks Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, the West Ham Chief Constable and the turn-coat spiv Mr Steedenski who had joined with the others now as they paid him more.

MarisCLmike2

Juan’s Third Visit

Juan looked around shaking and twitching a tad to see if the Security Guards were approaching him. This time he had on his usual unwashed and unkempt attire and carried his usual bags with his spectacles cases, pigeon seed, mallard duck meal-worms, his medical information card, nibbles, pound shop umbrella, pens and pad, his medications, spare hearing aid batteries and his Ration-Card. We have yet to discover why he has always carried his Ration-Card with him since 1953?

The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had changed her hair style back by now, but still had that adorable smile on her face.

By then it near to closing time and they told Inchcock to come back again tomorrow.

Santa01Depressed, he made his way to the Okoku Bantu Social Centre and his friends.

But they had banned him due to his emissions of wind of late being slightly pungent and considered lethal.

 More down now, the sad figure of Inchcock limped back to his hovel, dejected and morose.

NP01bRachel

Rachel cheered Juan up!

He made a cuppa and started his laptop up.

As soon as he opened his blog and saw the comments from the other bloggers, he cheered up and started reading the others blogs and turned into a radiant happy lad again.

In his eye-holes he was.

NP01b

Ali cheered Juan up!

Spent hours reading and doing blogs, on Facebook and the BT internet connection didn’t go down either.

Fair enough he did fall down the stairs once, but only three steps!

So he got the yellow pages out and arranged for another legal representative to represent like.

He missed his evening medications again!

He tells me he might not bother going back to see the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, cause he’s a bit nervous still like.

Inchcock Today: Sat 3rd Jan 2015

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Up at 0145hrs WC’d.

Recalled one of the dreams, well a bit of it: On the upstairs of an old double decker bus, only a few seats – people sleeping some on seats some in sleeping backs – arguing between themselves. That’s all I can recall.

0601streetI remembered it was the bin collection day so went down put the kettle on and took out a bag and moved the bins to the collection spot.

Took a photo of the street but it was too dark really, the bins didn’t show up at all, but the lights gave an interesting David Bailey display I thought.

Back into the hovel and made me cuppa and returned to the laptop to start this dairy.

I set the reminder thingy on me mobile so as not to forget the Iceland delivery coming presumably between 1100 – 1300hrs today.

WC – found me haemorrhoids a-bleeding Tsk!.

The angina seemed a lot easier this morning, Arhtur Itis still not so good, but overall I think I might still just pass an M.O.T.? Oh, maybe not though. Heheh!

Did Facebooking and blogging for a while, taking me medication with yet another cuppa (Three this morning now, Note to self: Must resist this in future).

0602shoesGot myself spruced up and well Phorpain-gelled-up-on-the knees, new shoes on and ready to set off to go to town.

The new shoes I chose due to their high quality and classy looks.

(Alright then, they were the cheapest in the Shoe Zone shop – Tsk!)

Then I remembered the Iceland delivery – Tsk!

So made up me medication pot’s while I was waiting.

The delivery came around midday. And they delivered for free! All the stuff was in stock and delivered.

They kitchen towels were light not much on the roll, but very soft and at 4 rolls for a quid good value too.

I’m not walking to town this morning, the rain was too heavy for my liking.

0603bustopGoing to the bank first to sort out why I had received a letter telling me my house insurance had not been renewed when I paid it Monday before last at the bank.

As I approached the bus-stop I could see a youth coming towards me on his bike on the pavement and I got out me camera – as he passed me by I took a photo and shouted out me usual 0603abustopmessage to the scrote “If yer too scared to ride on the road you shouldn’t be on a bike – can I change yer nappy for yer?”

But he’d got his head down and belting along so fast I don’t think he heard me – perhaps just as well anyway eh?

The bus arrived and was well packed with Senior Citizens using their free bus-passes, as was I of course. Hehe!

The bus dropped us off and I poddled to the bank and recognised the chap who rang for me and paid me Insurance last time I was in.

I explained and he remembered doing it and checked in his computer to find out it had been forwarded to the Insurance company. He could tell I was concerned and rang them for me. But it got busy with people waiting and after going through the ‘Press button so-and-so for…’ routine, he could get no answer from them.

I mentioned at this point that I had similar problems with the BT helpline: He grimaced and said: “Don’t mention them please all the hassle I’ve had with them…” Fancy that I thought, a dissatisfied BT customer…

He hung on the line for a while, but other people waiting were getting a bit agitated so I suggested I call again on Monday and he can try again then? He seemed happy with that, so I gave him a bar of Galaxy, thanked him and left.

Then I walked up to the opticians to inquire about the cost of a pair of Bifocals. She explained that they do not do them any more, only Varifocals because Bifocals had a line across on the lense.

I told her that is why I liked them, but never mind, how much would a pair cost me please? Because I’d bought two pairs recently with the second being half-price, she could do me a pair for 40% off!

So I agreed and she only charged me £70 all in. She was amazed at how I took only 20 seconds to pick the frames out. No fashion statements needed with my mush and age!

I walked back to the City Centre and caught a tram to Bulwell (Sneaking a few seeds to the pigeons as I waited).

When we got to the Tram depot we all had to get off and catch the one behind. No idea why, but it didn’t half set a lot of passenger moaning. Whatever the reason, these things happen in life.

0604LeenWhen I dropped off at Bulwell the rain had lessened a bit and I made for the River Leen to feed the mallard ducks and pigeons from the bridge. The river level was twice its normal and the dirty water was flowing very rapidly passed the newly dumped Tesco shopping trolley in the river.

But there were no signs of the Mallards at all? (Sob)

I went to the freezer shop in the hopes of getting some blackcurrant/ice-cream lollies, but was out of luck, none to be found.

0605marketBit of excitement at this point.

As I crossed the road to the market, well I say market, a sad imitation really today. Not many traders or customers about in the rain.

Three youths appeared out of an alley pursued by two police constables and off towards the housing estate.

Excitement over I checked out the other freezer shop for me lollies without success.

0605stationI limped to the bus station and caught a number 17 back to Carrington.

The rain was now coming on and off but again not as heavily as earlier.

I took a photo from through the bus window of the station. Not a bird in site.

Was it the rain and wind keeping them away? Weird this I thought.

Read a bit more of me book en-route back to the dump.

Even on my street there were no birds at all. Wish I knew why?

0605gratinGot in the flea-pit and WC’d then made a cuppa.

Plan to have the potato-gratin later tonight with some sausages I think.

Started this Diary and did a bit of Facebooking.

I enjoyed the Asda Potato Gratin I must say, mind you I hope it doesn’t start the rumbling innards off again.

The pack claimed it serves 4? Well this one didn’t, it just served Inchcock along with a bit of chicken leg and much bread?

Inchcock Today: Friday 2nd January 2015

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Last night I ate some sweetcorn I didn’t realise was in me BBQ bean mix wot I bought at great expense – I stopped eating them when I did realise… to late though. Boy did I suffer at the rear end last night!

I’m amazed  I had time to have any dreams with all the waking up I did. But I did my usual and had them, not that I can recall much other than: I kept getting caught doing wrong and gangs of people, some I’m sure were passed colleagues were goading and mocking me relentlessly… I seemed to be in a garden shed of sorts that had all sorts of machinery in it. That’s all I can recall of them.

I was up at 0240hrs and tended as best I could to the haemorrhoid problem. (Sweetcorn?)

WC’d then started the laptop and made a cuppa, too early to take me medications yet.

The knees were not pleased with being used again after yesterday’s marathon hobble.

After doing some graphics and posting yesterday’s Diary I made another cuppa and took me medications, applied the Phorpain gel and creams, passed wind and just got to the porcelain in time. It was not pleasant. Hehe… what am I laughing at?

I’d like to go to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop with some bits for em, then feed and photo the mallards today. Bit concerned about the arthritis in me knees and ankles at the moment, they’ve never been worse. Mind you, I can only blame myself for suffering the marathon hobble yesterday. Tsk! 

I forced me unwilling knees into action and had a scrub-up and got ready to go on me walk. I thought it best to walk to Sherwood first to the Charity shop, then catch the bus unto town perhaps according to how my ailments were.

So I set off on me hike to Sherwood, only to find the shop closed – I didn’t think of that did I?

0501FaaI was annoyed with myself, I turned round and walked all the way into town – painfully!

As I limped passed the Park Hotel I noted they had put up a new poster outside to advertise their gym. It said “Membership Sale 2 weeks free!” I saw a funny side to that and took a photo, but I can’t remember now what I saw funny in it? I know… sad!

0501FaI pressed on, and the wind was getting worse all the time – the weather wind I mean not me.

Hobbled to the top of the hill and as I walked down towards the City Centre a bus appeared, the first one in my up to that point 40 minute walk.

I walked through the Broad Marsh centre and out into Carrington Street 0501Fband nipped in Sainsburys for a loaf for the mallards on the canal, I already had some seed and earth-worms in my bag for the pigeons.

I reckon the wind was even stronger now, not cold with it by I had to take care not to get blown into the canal!

some yobs were lurking further along the bank, so I turned the other way 0501Fdand walked under the first bridge to feed the birds. In the distance on the photo you can just make out the mallards paddling towards me.

They were soon joined by the seagulls and Canada geese, then the pigeons too.

It’s incredible how much pleasure I get out of feeding the ducks and pigeons.

I checked first to see if the sign had been replaced on the tree informing folk not to to feed the birds but it hadn’t been, so I did.

And none of them pooped on me today.

0501FcThe youths were moving toward me and nearly under the bridge, so I poddled away under the second bridge and made me way up the path to road level, keeping an eye on them.

Two chaps were coming down the path onto the canal tow-path and the youths turned back the other way? since the last time I got mugged I’m very weary yer know.

I made me way into Broad Marsh shopping centre proper (limping well by now too) and foolishly called in Heron’s food store. I knew it would be bad for me legs carrying heavy bags again. Tsk! I got lollies, milk and disinfectant… oh and soap powder.

0501FfAs I walked through to the other end I took photo’s of a ladies-wear shop for the TFZ gals that I hope to remember to post later today.

I got out into the wind again and walked up Wheeler Gate, there were a few folk about and most shops open.

The street performers were out in number.

0501FgAs I passed Marks & Sparks the police were taking away a couple of young Nottingham shoplifters, I could tell they from Nottingham by the way they pronounced the swear words.

I was really struggling with the knees and feet now.

As I went passed I think it was the Dolcis shoe shop, I couldn’t believe my 0501Feeyes. On display in the window were children’s shoes including the one I photographed here reduced from £28.00 down to £22.00! £22.00 ($34.00) for kids shoes and they were only about 5 inches long?

There were some in the sale at £35.50 ($55) crickey… do they know how to charge?

I walked on along Clinton Street and on to the bus-stop – I was very lucky one was in and due to leave in two minutes.

I struggled along and got in the flea-pit in time to visit the porcelain without any problems being caused.

I got the frozen food into the freezer and at that stage remembered I’d ordered a delivery for the morning from Iceland freezer centre – Oh what a clot I am!

Made a cuppa and started this diary of woes.

Lost BT internet connection – no really, honestly, hard for anyone to believe but there you are. Fancy that!

Grrr…