As part of the Inchcock Parties ‘No Secrets Ruling’, as discussed and passed in the Leg of Mutton Arms snug last Wednesday night – we hereby present the portfolios, views and complete range of investments held by each of the Parties Top Shadow Ministers.

We approached each prospective member and asked them to supply details of their investments and holdings openly – so that voters in the 2015 May elections can understand the worthiness and honesty of each of our prospective MPs.

Shadow Prime Minister: Clivey-boy Danton

Apart from being a part shareholder in a casino or two, West Ham bookies, owning a few second hand car showrooms, Watchit Solicitors, an interest in Gregowskis & Farage Romanian Wine and Tobacco Importers, Documentational Reproductions Inc, an investment in me brothers Walthamstow Dog Track, West Ham Sports Supplies, Lighter Watches and Mobile phone supplies and shares in various breweries I have little in the way of financial investments. I lead a quiet life and attend the Chapel when I am not doing charity work for the Kray brothers inspired Danny Soz Young Ladies Appreciation Society yer know.  The wife Jilly supports me on most of my political activities. Convincing her that a few jars down the Abbey Arms to encourage the locals to vote for me is part of those duties is hard – but she does welcome me back home after a hard nights campaigning and helps clear me head stomach and mind in readiness for the next days challenges. There’s no doubt about it, I am a Red Tory with affiliations to the I Hate Blair movement and National Socialism in it’s milder form. So there you have it in a nutshell – that reminds me I’ll have get me creams rubbed in – see you later… “Jill…. Jill…”

Shadow Minster of Transport: Mike Steedenski

Before I became a complete and utter alcoholic and had to turn to politics as a career, I used to be a Police Officer. Fair enough, some of the jobs I had to do didn’t turn out right I admit this – especially me traffic controlling skills. So I moved on to become a part-time PA and Brewery Bottled Ales tester. I lost that Ale Testers job when they found me sober twice in six months. So when I was blackmailing Inchcock threatening to reveal all about his unnatural desires for Shemales and his drinking addiction to Dandylion & Burdock in an effort to get some cash together, we came up with the idea of starting a new political party see? So here we are like. As for investments, back-handers and profit from hustling… I’ll ask the missus Shirl (Councillor Shirley Blamey, Shadow Minister of Education) to type out a list fer you later when she gets back from her sponsored fact finding trip to the Bahamas to compare their figures with those of the UK on the European Spadefoot Toad mating habits within the confines of urban areas between 0500hr and 1000hrs on weekdays when it isn’t raining. She should be back in six months or so. Mind you I’d hate anyone to think that the donation I received to my campaign funds from Inchcock himself was in any way bribery or backhanding – and I’d like to thank him now for the 25p.

Shadow HM Treasurer: Marissa Bergen

I think I could be of benefit to the UK as Treasury minister – and at the same time give the Europe lot a poke in the eye by having an American minister in the Government? Being a Politician, Banker, Rock-n-Roll Supermom, Musician and very good with numbers as well, I believe an Inchcock Government would be good for the country. My investments are mostly in the banking world – I moved out of the oil share thing when I learnt of all the fracking going on – there might be a song in there somewhere… “Whole lot of Frackin’ goin’ on!”? No? Ah well. My total investments are probably less than $18m.  The return of the Punk era music would help the economy no end.

Shadow Minster of Justice: Big Gaz

The police force will be reduced to tackling traffic, junior school riots, dangerous mobility scooter drivers and pavement cyclists member. My own squad would take over the rest of their duties. Sentences would be given that mean what the say. VAT on knuckle dusters, Lugers and Champagne Perry will be removed. The death penalty will be returned and anyone being nasty to dogs will get it! My investments? Well antique stuff will also get the VAT removed and my Government department will check every item to see if it genuine – this may cause a bit of a backlog in trading, but we are prepared to purchase any viable company who are struggling. I have no investment personally youth… believe me mush!

Home Office Shadow Minster: Churchy

All suspicious moneys, diamonds, jewellery, bank drafts, drugs, investments, films and books of a sexual nature etc will be examined by my department before being allowed into or out of the country.  member. Any female immigrants aged 18 to 24 will also be given a medical and permission for them to remain in the country will be decided on the outcome of their medical at my office in Whitehall. As for my investments, I’m broke, flat broke, gone into financial liquidation, not a penny to spare, had to take a job on as part-time postman… Hehehe!

Culture Media & Sports shadow Minister: Shirley Blamey

Interviewed in the Bahamas by Big Gaz

I intend to get hands on when I get this positions. It is essential that all male athletes competing in sports have a thorough working over… well check that their various bodily parts are in full working order before being allowed to compete – and shall be out in the field to ensure this is so. The older male competitors will be allowed to compete without checks being carried out. There will be random checks by myself six days a week, of selected personages such as those in this photograph as an example. Once I’m satisfied of there capabilities and the fitness of their foibles they can play away. Now then, my investments you ask about my financial investments? Huh!

Mental Health Minister: Inchcock (interviewed via email)

The fisicul and metal elth of our citisens is paramount to me. An I noe abart these fings mate.

Cause the drugs like make yer lose it like dont they.

Investmunts? Me?

No… I dont fink so like…