Category: Ode

It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part 3 – Prosed ponderously by Inchcock

Nochead

As an ankle-snapper I had a skinny physique,

In fact they knicknamed me ‘The Pipsqeak’,

When Mam was at home, times were bleak,

She and Dad shouted and fought, they didn’t speak,

She rarley stayed home for more than a week,

To the outside loo, if one wanted a leak,

Getting the tin bath off the yard wall every week,

Demanded a certain safety-first technique.

–

Drag it into the front room in front of the fire,

Clean it up with bleach and a pad of wire,

Heating up water in kettles & pans was dire,

The use of the fire and stove I’d aquire,

To keep the bath topped up as Dad did require.

After several top-ups Dad would retire,

Then t’was my turn in the cold water in front of the fire!

–

Dry missen off with the wet towel Dad had used,

Bath back on’t wall ready fer it to be reused,

Out to the coal-house while Dad snoozed,

Chopped wood brought in coal, getting bruised,

Laid the fire for the morning – felt abused!

–

Life was how it was, so why feel sad or blue?

No hot running water, fridge or TV it’s true,

Tableclothes? The Evening newspaper would do,

Lighting the gas-lamps was risky too,

When Pennies in the meters were due…

Mam had some arcade coins, one or two!

No toilet paper for our out-side loo,

Cut-up newspaper for wiping: the memories ooh!…

Inchcock Views High-Rise Council Pensioners Flat on the 16th Floor

The other day I went to view an warden aided flat,

To get there I had to be strong and an acrobat,

Top of a hill, it was windy, glad I had me hat,

I found the City Councils Commissariat.

–

We went to look at the flat, on the 16th floor,

I noticed the kicked in panel on the front door,

The place was in a right state, very poor,

Electrics hanging off the wall down to the bare floor,

A smell lingered everywhere, a sweet sickly odour,

Noises from the Romanians living next door.

–

A distinct feeling of gloom lingered in the air,

I decided I didn’t want to live there,

Although the view from the window was fair,

I turned on a tap, the water was brown… I despair!

–

I caught the wall and the plaster shred,

A lick of paint will sort that, the Commissariat said,

That only made me cringe and exacerbate,

Then under the sink an insect zoo did await!

–

The light switch hung off the wall by its wire,

In the front room a non-working electric fire,

The ceiling peeling, electric needing a rewire,

For living here I could not aspire!

–

I told the Commissariat Thanks but I don’t think so,

She took it like a mortal lethal blow,

She scowled at me, and don’t you know…

She didn’t speak to me again and let me go.

Hey-ho!

Inchcock’s: It’s Been a Funny Old Life – Part 2

Inchcock’s: It’s Been a Funny Old Life – Part 2

Each morning there was the fire grate to clean out and renew,

Get Dad’s breakfast, he’s eat owt, porridge eggs or stew,

Then get some cash from him for groceries, not easy to do,

Boil some water for Dad to wash and shave in too,

No internet, Google, Facebook, WordPress or Yahoo,

Had to do me morning paper round while Dad ate his stew,

Back an hour later Dads time for work was due,

Off he’d go, I’d clean his pots – getting to school the next issue,

Knowing I’d get bullied and learn nowt – it’s true,

Lunch with Echo margarine or lard sarnies, Eurgh!

Out of school and rush to the paper shop, more work to do,

Back to the house to lay the fire I flew,

Dad would arrive between six and ten demanding a brew,

Light the fire make his nosh, mine is overdue,

Entertainment from the light radio, no radio Two,

Raise a laugh, The Archers and The Navy Lark too,

His language was not usually bad or blue,

But he often said: ‘You useless article you!

Inchcocks Further Thoughts on Politicians – in Prose

Further thoughts on Politicians

There’s not many that haven’t had an illicit love affair,

They are experts and tutored in spouting lies and hot air,

They dance around giving answers like Andy Capp or Fred Astaire,

Most Ministers have never worked, or known financial despair,

They fiddle expenses, get a pay rise of 9.6%, that’s so unfair,

They say the IPSA sets their salary now, they declare,

But they set the wage of IPSA of £40,400 per manager…yea?

And grant the IPSA expenses; of this the part-time IPSA are aware,

The rot set in with the crooked nihilistic, nepotistic Tony Blair.

–

Most are millionaires too, jealous… me? Now where’s me bus pass?

Cameron, and his cronies will never worry about the cost of gas,

Despite his cabinet consisting of a cruel men, an inertial mass,

PMs a group from superior stock, all unethical, bold as brass,

They are not caring, they are cruel, pitiless and crass.

_

They ought to hypnotised into being honest en mass,

They’ve taken away my few benefits, ‘cause I bought a pension,

Paid into it for fifty odd years, worse off now, makes you laugh,

It’s the weak they prey on, ignore, laugh at and harass!

–

Not for workers or pensioners, warmth, good food or an au pair,

I can’t afford a holiday or even the petrol or train fare,

No BUPA for me, just the ailing NHS hospital care,

The NHS staff are harangued and frustrated, but they really care,

MPs strut and pose, well fed, clothed, looking debonair,

While pensioners are struggling, broke, in utter despair,

They have their earnings from bribes and many an offshore share,

They sit in central heated offices, in their reclining chair,

Of others poverty, frustration and pain, they seem totally unaware!

Bless them. (Spit!)

Fri 5.6.15: Inchcock Today:

Friday 5th June 2015 

Woke determined to get a load more shredding done… again!

WC’d and while suffering on the porcelain I got this idea for a poem, ode, rhyme whatever for me Inchcok site of WordPress. ‘Me life in prose’I’ll probably call it, ‘It’s Been a Funny Old Life’ or something like that – ideas ran through me head and everything else seemed to fade into the background?

I’d had some dreams I think, because the ‘Little Inch’ had been active and he was bleeding, but can remember none of the dreams now, so annoying that innit?

Went down and started the laptop, made a cuppa, took the bags out to the bin for the visit of the ‘Refuse operators’, and fed the pigeons as I did.

I chatted with a bloke on Facebook last night and he is in the same situation as wot I am with his Windows Lumia mobile-phone – lost and confused!

Made another cuppa and took me morning medications.

Then I got the header done for this page and set about creating me ‘Funny Life’ ode – I had this urge to get it done while some ideas from earlier were still in me head.

So I did. Took me hours.

Then I tried to master the new mobile and learn how to store numbers – huh!

Had a wash and shave and readied missen for me walk to town to see the Age Concern people.

It was warm and bright when I set off down Mansfield Road.

A couple of pavement cyclist en route but they were too quick for me to get a photo of them.

Up and over the hill, and on me way down on the opposite pavement a poor chap lay prostrate face-down, his carrier bag at his side?

The police officer didn’t touch him while I was there watching.

Annoying not knowing what had occurred innit?

I poddled on about 600 yards and heard the ambulance approaching the poor devil.

It was here I spotted the Nottingham Street Art in the side of the road – it must have been a recently completed bit of art, cause the vehicles had not yet crushed it. I named it “Unloved Fodder and the broken fork” Hehe!

I pressed on and called in the Age UK offices and spoke with the receptionist asking if she could identify Steve’s number on my phone. She could not help. But she emailed Steve asking him to call me.

I had a walk through Trinity Square, and the food arena actually had people eating al-fresco in it!

Folk near naked taking advantage of the excellent weather. (Mind you, it didn’t half change a few hours later I can tell yers – blimey, not half did it change!).

I managed to get a shot of some ‘Bling’ for the TFZ gals.

Quality stuff this time – or quality prices anyway!

£6000 (USD $9156.83 – CAN $11432.56 – AUD $12016.66 for a ring? Pretty yes, but even so that’s a lot of dosh!

As I walked around the Slab Square in the City Centre I saw these kiddywinks being led across it. At the time I took the photo I had an excellently suitable and witty quote in mind to use on here when I posted it – what happened to that excellently suitable and witty quote I had in mind I don’t know. It seems to have faded into the ether… Huh & Tsk!

Probably something about trainee shoplifters or similar. Hehe!

I wandered into Clumber Street and called in the EE shop to beg for assistance on how to store numbers on me new mobile.

A patient lass showed me how and made sure I’d got it before letting me leave the shop – bless her. We’ll see later when I try it after Steve calls.

Out and up the street towards the bus stop.

Where I experienced a rare sight indeed!

Nottingham pedestrians crossing the road with the pedestrian lights on green!

Yes, it’s true, I took this here photo to prove it! Haha!

Caught the bus, dropped off in Carrington and walked passed the chemist, over the pelican lights and up the hill to the GP surgery to see if me extra prescriptions were ready.

They were.

But it had been sent to the chemists!

Back to the chemists and collected them.

On me way, a Nottingham Pedestrian Cyclist nearly had me as he sped by – I called out questioning his parentage but he either didn’t hear me or ignored me.

The Git!

Avoided the ganglets mingling around.

The wind suddenly got stronger and the trees bowed it it as I got towards the fleas-pit and made a cuppa.

The sky suddenly went awfully dark… I mean really dark.

And the clouds started moving very quickly across the sky.

Steve from Age UK called, he is going to speak with Nottingham City Homes on Tuesday for me.

I then proceeded to store his number with his name afterwards – in me Lumia phone, Yaheeee!!!

Nosh tonight, thick bacon in chopped tomatoes in tomato juice with herbs, with brad thins.

I really enjoyed this nosh.

Fell asleep early – in one of those awkward positions – you know – where you wake up twisted and in agony, aching all over! Hehe!

Then woke up every half hour in a ratty mood with yourself, because your tired and only want rest?

It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part 1 – Prosed pathetically by Inchcock

I was born in late August nineteen fourty-eight,

The midwife handed me to Mam, for us to interrelate,

Mam wasn’t to happy, she was in a right two-and-eight,

Her fag ash dropped on me, as she did state,

Something the midwife to me did later relate.

–

“I don’t want it, throw it in the Trent!”,

If I keep it, I’ll not afford the rent!

Later she said my birth was an accident,

And I was not exactly heaven sent,

She lyingly said she ‘took’ to me later to her amazement.

–

She left home when I was three, leaving me and Dad,

I can’t claim this made me really sad,

She left leaving debts, that made Dad not glad,

Her leaving home became a bit of a fad,

The longest spell was four years, I wasn’t mad,

Mad and sad when she returned I was, poor lad!

–

At school, a rough one I was bullied and quite thick,

Did the shopping and cleaning, no time to get sick,

When Mam returned, I’d be cut to the quick,

She’d moan and argue giving us some verbal stick,

Another crime, and she’d do another disappearing trick.

–

She returned when I started earning ready cash,

She dipped into me pockets, leaving me abash,

Nowhere was safe to hide me stash,

She flogged off me LPs, that made me teeth gnash,

At conning folk Mother had no match!

–

The last time she absconded and ran away,

She was on the Police’s wanted list that day,

Leaving a trail of victims every which way,

Will they ever catch her people would say,

Reports came in she was in San Francisco Bay?

Or Mablethorpe, Lincoln, France or Torbay?

For many months she eluded police, kept em at bay,

Eventually she had her day in court after much delay,

My Sister well remembers that infamous day!

–

The court packed with character referers would you believe?

Mother falsly crying upon her shoplifted sleeve,

They read out the charges, it was hard to concieve,

One hundred and nineteen, twas hard to preconceive,

A tangle web of conning and stealing they did weave.

–

The man who read out the charge got fatigued after a while,

The Magistrates even raised a sneaky smile,

Court spectators nodded-off for a while,

She charmed the officials in her own conning style,

It took several days to complete the trial.

–

Found guilty, what did the Mother suckered Magistrates give?

They gave her a furnished rent paid flat in which to live,

Increased Benefits to help her pay the fine, very allevative!

This suited Mother, her being so aquisitive…

–

More to follow…

Inchcock and the Internet

Inchcock and the Internet

I’d be well and truly lost without the Internet,

Mind you, understanding it can get me in a sweat,

On getting a good reliable service I was determined and set,

That was destroyed by my using BT Internet.

_

Others tell me their providers are crap as well,

All I know is about the high cost of the BT Death Knell,

WordPress goes wonky very often, and becomes unwell,

Facebook is the same, disappearing sticking text for many clientèle,

  Google seems more stable, easier to use as well.

_

Just when you begin to master some or other task,

Updates come in, and I need my pocket flask,

No one here for me advice I can ask,

So I search the internet, for solutions to unmask,

Clever answers found, I’m just outclassed!

_

It’s hard when you’ve not never had a decent education,

What do these things stand for or mean in abbreviation?

ACK, AFAIUI, Y3, & RADBNC, not of my generation!

But communicating with others satisfies me aspiration,

To help create a friendly Cyber-Nation.

_

Despite the Internet’s problems I must say,

I like the opportunity for laughter to cyber-spray,

Friendship and fun is what I seek for and pray,

Not nastiness, anger or insults, oh nay!

Although satire, humour and fun are good today,

Just please don’t upset anyone on your way!

* No Outer Mongolian Pregnant Kangaroos were harmed in the production of this piffle.

Inchcock Political Party Shadow Ministers rethink their Manifestos!

Rachel Carrera says:

We must fight on and not mewl, it’s the voters that were the fools, following the main party like mules!

Shirley Blamey says:

Extreme policies we must overrule, I’ll do the job just give me the tools!

Angel says:

It’s the greedy politicians we must attack and ridicule!

Marissa Bergen says:

We need Punk-rock, in the home, on public transport and the vestibule!

Mike Steedenski says:

We must legalise hemp, marijuana, and the absinthe soaked toadstool!

Danny Soz says:

Everyone should hire a vehicle from my VAT free car-pool!

Inchcock says:

Bring back hanging for Pavement cyclists should be the rule!

Gazza H says:

Remove Inchcock as our leader and use him as a footstool!

Dunc the Hunk says:

When I went to school, I lived on gruel, Gawd life can be cruel!

* Gazza asked me to point out that no Shoplifters, Pavement Cyclists or Members of UKIP were harmed in the production of this load of rubbish.

Inchock Tells his Tale in Verse – of the District Nurse!

I’ll tell yers this tale, un I’ll do it in verse,

About the last visit from me District Nurse,

I was waiting for to arrive and me arthritis got worse,

After I’d convince me knees, wot I had to coerce,

To let me up – sudden pain I cursed!

I sat down quickly – on me bum cheeks I had to purse,

I thought me bum’s blind-boil I had burst,

The pain was like lighting and a thunder-burst,

She soon injected me, smiling, looking perverse,

I said thank you, and she drove off in her hearse.

I’ve got another visit tonight – 2 a day… I could curse!

Hey-Ho!

Exit mobile version
%%footer%%