Inchcock Today Wed 1/3/15: Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit – especially Inchy!

Wednesday 1st April 2015

I awoke thinking or rather trying to remember the dreams I’d had in me longest bit of head-down I’ve had for yonks – must have got although I kept repeatedly waking up and nodding off again, a total of 7 hours actually sleeping. I can’t believe how tired I still feel despite this.

First day of the new month eh? Did me ‘White Rabbits’ did you remember yours?

Went down, photographing the morning Sky as I did, and made a cuppa and cleared up a bit and make up a few pots of medication doses from the last of me supplies that were available to last me until next Tuesday.

Started feeling a bit chirpier after having me cuppa and getting going on doing this post – then the inevitable happened while ingeniculating, a twinge of gargantuan proportions emanated via Arthur Itis reminding me not to feel so happy, contented or confident again – I should have known better really – Tsk!

Still on the bright side Anne Gyna is leaving me alone up to now, the torn muscle is fully bearable, the reflux valve is behaving, the duodenal ulcer is fine and no dizzies. Only the haemorrhoids are joining in the attack with Arthur. There I go again, getting confident and opening me gob…

The INR Warfarin level test results were delivered – 2.7 now, much closer to me target now.

Did some Facebooking for an hour or two (Well four).

Had a ‘getmissenwashed’ session and got the bits ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off in the gloomy windy weather with em, the rain had long stopped. (Try saying that quickly when you’ve ‘ad a few – Hehe).

The wind hindered me progress as I walked into Sherwood.

I noticed a car pull up dead on the double yellow Bus Stop sign in the bus-lane outside ST John’s Church on Mansfield Road – the driver got out and collected something from behind in the middle of the road that he had lost or had dropped off his vehicle and placed it in the boot? Wonder what it was?

I plodded on up the hill and down into Sherwood then up the hill through Sherwood when I came upon the take-away food shop that did the nice roast potatoes. Although it was getting late I nipped in to see if they had any hot-food left.

Seeing they had just three portions of roast potatoes in trays I joined the three other customers in the queue – then realised I had not got enough money on me – Knockerbongoblow!

I nipped out and next door to get some, money from the Co-op cash machine.

Then returned to join the queue again, with just one tray of potatoes left on show – luckily none of those in front of me bought it and I was well pleased with getting it.

Of up the hill towards the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop with the clothes and DVDs – as far as Wilkinsons when I realised I only got one bag in my hand and not the two I had earlier – oh dear… hobbled rapidly back towards the take-away convinced I must have left it in there. As I passed the Co-op there is was stood near the cash-machine – Lucky lucky lucky!

Saw a poster for a sale where they were selling a ‘Fire Opal’ necklace/broach at an auction: ‘Reserve Price Applied’ whatever that means.

But the I photo’d the photo as I thought it was so beautiful for the TFZ gals.

Onwards up again to the Hospice shop and had a little natter with the girls there, handed them the donations and a little bag of nibbles.

Down the hill and at the bottom I had to go into the road to get around a self-hire van. Then seconds after taking this photographicalisation of it – a bus had to come to a full stop as the traffic accumulated at the traffic lights to the left causing a queue of traffic as far as the eye could see.

But it allowed me to limp around the van into the road to get passed more safely.

Up the hill and down towards Carrington.

The sky suddenly brightened for a minute or so, then darkened rather quickly.

I could tell we were in for a drop of rain – and boy did we get it later… unfortunately the wind didn’t lessen any when it came, but again didn’t stay too long.

However I did get in the hovel and perched on the porcelain before it came down.

The pain from the rear continued but no new bleeding – that’s good.

Had a wash and reheated me potatoes in the microwave with a beefburger.

I used the remaining two tasteless insipid bland Asda cheese and onion cobs and had me nosh. Gawd those cobs are like cardboard, perhaps less flavourful even – Eurgh!

The rain started again – but the sun still got through at times – did a scan for a rainbow but none to see.

The famous ‘Inchcock collapsing time came and the sudden tirdeness crept in.

Took my medications early as I felt I could nod off at any time…

WC’d.

Ooh… nearly forgot to mention this, the pressure cushion that I bought yesterday and thought a bit expensive at £20 works a treat!

So for any other sufferers of haemorrhoids or Coccydynia,

 here’s the photo again so you can know which one to buy – Ahhh!

Good morning Mr Inchcock, take a seat…

Inchcock went to an arranged meeting with someone from the Nottingham Homes Counter in the Central Library building to inquire if he actually had any chance of being housed in a what they call ‘Independent Living’ – which used to be called Warden Aided Flats within the surrounding area of Carrington.

It went something like this:

Homelink lady: “Good morning Mr Inchcock, please take a seat.”

Inchcock: “Thank you.”

Homelink lady: “Now what is your problem?”

Inchcock: “You assume I have a problem very readily – why can’t I be just making inquiries?”

Homelink lady: “You can be making inquiries…”

Inchcock: “Can I appeal against your placing me in the waiting band category D housing applicants? The lowest one which your staff informs me no one on this list has ever been housed?” 

Homelink lady: Muses over Inchcocks paperwork…”They are right, but they shouldn’t have told you that – do you know the name of the assistant who told you this?”

Inchcock: “No! – Did you not receive the letters in support of my application from my doctor, the hospital and the local police?”

Homelink lady: “Oh yes, but they are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families…”

Inchcock: “So I’m being victimised for living on my own then, let’s sue the wife for dying eh ?”

Homelink lady: “Let me finish please… where was I? They are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families… the homeless, poor asylum seeking immigrants and the mentally challenged.”

Inchcock: “Oh, so if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady: “I didn’t say that!”

Inchcock: “I know you didn’t – I just said that!”

Homelink lady: “Said what?”

Inchcock: “So if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady: “It’s a simple fact that you cannot be considered for… hang on! Not knowing any Councillors personally you said goes against you?”

Inchcock: “I did!”

Homelink lady: “Why?”

Inchcock: “It’s true innit?”

Homelink lady: “Are you suggesting that we here at Nottingham City Homes are being intimidated, bribed or are in an allegiance of some sort with Nottingham City Councillors Mr Inchcock?”

Inchcock: “Glad you admit it gal…”

Homelink lady: “I admit nothing… there is nothing to admit to, I think you must be mad to make such allegations – this interview is being recorded you know…”

Inchcock: “Mad? Me? Do you really think so midduck?”

Homelink lady: “I am not your duck! And yes I do think you must be crazy to come here throwing such intimations around – this interview is terminated Mr Inchcock!”

Inchcock: “Thank you petal – before I go will you sign this statement I prepared earlier to the fact that you consider me to be mentally ill? – Then you can move me up to band C and I just might get #’@~$ing 10% chance of being rehoused…Hehehe!

She carried a good left hook…

This bit of nonsense was inspired by a dream that Inchcock had.

Inchcock Today 31/3/15: Feeling a tad perantique today

Tuesday 31th March 2015

Woke up and failed to remember me dreams… remembered BJ was coming though, so got up (forced missen like) and got the laundry stuff ready, nibbles for the gals.

Surprising myself I also remembered I had to go to the GP to make an appointment – And – to go to the chemist to see when me medications needed collecting.

Made a note of these and put it in me pocket.

It was very windy, the rain was falling, the morning dank – I passed wind that stan… never mind…

BJ arrived and lifted me to the launderette bless him. He seemed okay this morning glad to say.

Mandie was on duty at the launderette, always does me good to see her – mind you I don’t think it does a lot for her seeing me, but hey-ho!

Got the machine going and thought I’d nip to the chemist then to the GP to book me appointment then to the newspaper shop to see if I’d won the lottery… Note: Extreme Optimism Mode Adopted & Engaged here!

So off to the Chemist who informed me the next carrier bags full of medications is due in a two weeks time – Tuesday after next.

So off up the hill to the GP surgery to book an appointment as the rain joined the wind in making it an unpleasant day all in all.

I approached the surgery entrance way and realised as it was closed and locked as soon as I read the opening times on the door like (I’m quick yer know!) that it didn’t open until 0840hrs.

As I left the rain persisted down with a vengeance and I rushed (Well I say rushed… hobbled a bit more rapidly would be a better description) to the bus-shelter and stayed beneath the awnings until the rain abated.

0830hrs came, then went in and booked me appointment – that being next Tuesday at 1330hrs with the locum.

Out again, the rain had eased but not the wind and then to the newspaper shop. No winning on the lottery, Ah-well!

All done, BJ ran us to Asda, where I got some bits including a large tray of small seasoned potatoes to try for nosh tonight.

The giant Gnomes were still on sale at Asda’s entrance.

We soon got finished and BJ offered to run me to the disability shop in Sherwood as I’m mentioned I was looking for a cushion that would protect me coccyx and help me ease the pain of me piles – polo mint shaped like.

Bit of a surprise finding they had a choice of them in stock – a bigger one when I saw the prices £20 – £23 and £30 each.

I took the £20 one cause it was the best looking and most suitable design for me personally like… 

The Pressure Relief Cushion that cost me more than the first bed and clothing I ever bought!

Fair enough that was a few years ago, I use the word ‘few’ in it’s loosest sense of course.

 BJ ran me back to the hoppit and dropped me off.

WC’d then started to cook the gorgeous looking potatoes to have with some beetroot and franks, along with the cheese & onion cobs that I’d treated myself to from Asda.

They were horrendous, appalling, rancid, and fowl!

They may have looked nice but once cooked… eurgh! Spit!

Even the cheddar with cheese cobs were pretty uneatable – bland, no taste insipid!

The beetroot was nice…

I’ll have a bag of Marmite crisps later to get the none-taste of these out of me mouth! Hehehe!

Did this diary after forcing myself to nearly eat the meal, then some Facebooking.

Took me medications with some water – and they had more taste than the crap potatoes and cobs.

Feeling well tired and depressed again now and had a bit of a dizzy but nowt bad… hello, the eyelids are getting heavy again… Sweet dreams!

Inchcock Today: Mon 30/03/15 –

Monday 30th March 2015

Damned painful night all around I’m afraid.

Intercostal muscle, reflux valve and angina – Tsk!

And – I can’t remember me dreams again!

Remembered I’ve to meet Pete at 1000hrs to go with him for his mole photograph and have my INR testing done at the QMC.

Must get me LOMM posting done ASAP.

Made a cuppa and took me morning medications and got the laptop on.

Took a photo of the pink sky as I hobbled down.

Red sky in the morning – shepherds warning?

I hope I don’t get soaked again today to add to me medicationalistcal problems.

By the time I’d got me things ready it was again too late to walk into town so I caught a bus. (Heaven praise the pensioners free-bus-pass service – Alleluia!

Met brother-in-law Pete at his bus-stop and he torn a piece out of me for calling his Mole a wart and a photograph an x-ray in me yesterday’s diary when I mention him, then proceeded to explain in detail what he would do to me in the event of any such errors in the future before cuffing me around me head and pointing a finger or two of derision in me mush!

I think I might have annoyed him?

We had a good natter… well as good as any other two deaf old codgers could on the bus we caught – which turned out to be the wrong one – so we got off and being as it wasn’t raining walked the last mile or so.

Pete took a photo of me hobbling along trying to keep up with him.

We went to the haematology department first and  waited in the queue, number called and I was in taking the nurses their nibbles and being tended to by a new nurse who seemed very pleasant. Even had a bit of a natter while they waited for the vein to stop bleeding – took a while to stop today.

Pete and I then asked at the reception desk for direction to the photo place and were informed where it was and we set off to the lifts, then the ‘D’ floor and while we waited Pete couldn’t resist the children’s scooter in the waiting area.

(Well I asked him to pose with it – hehehe!)

Seconds later the lady came out and took him into the room to be photographed – during which I started to read the paper and the lights dimmed, went out and came back on again. I wondered what they were doing with Pete – along with the noises emanating from the room it reminded me of Frankenstein!

He was out in a few minutes, I couldn’t see any raised or frizzled hair so assumed he was all okay. Hehe!

We caught the bus back into town and Pete wanted to call at the Kitty Cafe, then go to Aldi.

Jane and he have booked a sitting with them over the internet. £18 I think he said it was – but no doubt if I’ve gotten it wrong again he’ll let me know, oh dear…


We plodded on to the Chinese shop in Hockley and I got some seaweed and Pete got whatever bits were on Jane’s shopping list , then we moved on.

As we walked along Huntingdon Street towards the Aldi shop I espied the first bit of Nottingham Street Art of the day. Pete pointed out the finer points of the creation to me.

No idea who the artist was of course but hugely impressed with how he/he had used the alcohol and water bottles arranged attractively surrounded by chicken bones, banana skin, mouldy chip, nub-end and bloodied tissue – another Andy Warhol I thought? Shame the artist isn’t famous too – mind you, he/she was probably too pissed to realise the masterpiece that they had created?

Pete got some bits from Aldi and as I waited for him at the check-out, no less than two ladies approached the Obergruppenfurher member of staff holding their till reciepts telling him they had been overcharged? Not the slightest sign of being concerned about this at all showed as he just checked each receipt and grunted something to the operator and handed the second lady (I didn’t catch what he said to the first) some cash for what she was overcharged or short changed by and just carried on… Aldi? Mmmm?

We left and walked into the Victoria Shopping Mall where Pete needed to attend the WC. (For once, I didn’t?)

Waiting for him I noticed the ‘Boost’ fruit juice stall was bereft of customers again – then as I took the photograph one arrived! Again I had to winder ‘How do they make it pay?’

We pressed on and out over the walk-over where Pete took one if his wide photographs of the traffic and boy did it come out good or what? Yes it did! (See below please)

How he got the bus to appear half real half ghost was brilliant wonnit?

He sent me a copy via email later and I doctored it with wording only and posted it here.

I took a photo from the other side of the walk-over showing a fruit stall and Nottingham Post vendors box. The pub in the background, the ‘Old Dog & Partridge is where the stairs come down from where we were, and Pete suggested a wide photo of the pub and he took one for me for the TFZ gals.

I used this one as a template for the post header. Clever stuff from Pete today.

I nearly missed this one off – on suppose to be of my reflection in a cafe window wot he took earlier.

The way it’s came out is artistic and shows a different view of Pete and me in the background along with the buildings a bus and the trees and sky too – it should be in a gallery somewhere I reckon.

So I added a cut-out of me from a photo Pete also did with me camera.

Left Pete at his bus-stop and I poddled into boots to get some more of their effective sea-water nasal spray.

As I walked through Trinity Square just two pigeons came down, one of them with a horrendously deformed claw, well a stub really and slipped them some seed.

I caught the bus back to Carrington and hobbled back to the pit.

WC’d.

Made some nosh, petite pois, potatoes and mini-franks: The enforced delay twixt them cooking and me eating them irke a bit!

Just as I was putting them in me dish to take with me to eat them – the call to the porcelain… the urgent call to the porcelain had to be responded to. And the pain and blood were not nice. Cleaned missen up and reheated the nosh – but I still enjoyed it.

Then realised I’m forgotten to go to the GP to book an appointment – Tsk and Huh!

Launderette in the morning and I’ve got to go to the chemists for me medications so I can call then and do it – famous last words!

Laptop on, Coreldraw9 didn’t freeze. (Yet)

Rear quarters still bad, Anne Gyna fair, Arthur Itis okay, Reflux a tad bothersome and the sneezing continues to hurt me pulled intercostal muscle, so things ain’t too bad at the moment.

BJ phones, he’ll pick me up for the launderette in the morning about 0750 – 0800hrs. I thanked him.

Took me medications now feeling a tad weary, but will I be able to get to sleep…?

TTFN.

Inchcock Today: Bleeding from the arm, leg and rear-end. Tsk!

Sunday 29th March 2015

I woke up scratching away at me left arm, left leg and rear end – I didn’t know which was itching worst!

After a few seconds I saw the blood on my hands and fingers that had been scratching away and stopped.

The arm and leg I put some antiseptic cream on – but it still it didn’t stop the bleeding on the arm and it began hurting as opposed to stinging. It looked to me like the lesion was caused by cracking skin?

A bit worried with this, so I tried a spot of Betamethasone cortisoid cream I had left over from me GUM clinic prescription left on the lesion and after a few minutes the blood stopped flowing. It seemed to weep water for a good while after, then seemed to stop, still hurting and itching? Sore now, more than hurting.

The leg was just a tiny scratch where I think I’d been scratching away at it.

The rear end was not the haemorrhoids but on me left cheek – that seemed to be only a drop of blood but I could feel the swelling?

Oh dear, what next I ask missen? I didn’t answer Hehe!

Eventually I nodded off around 0300 and woke around 1000hrs.

WC’d: Feeling pretty crap – now the angina was getting in on the act too – huh!

Too late to take me morning medications – but I did take just the beta-blocker.

Went down and put kettle on and made a flask – took a photo of the dismal wet windy weather outside.

I assessed me new ailments (The arm leg and bum). I couldn’t even find the lesion on the leg, like magic it had disappeared? The bum had healed (the piles were tender). As for the arm lesion, I must have been scratching at it in me sleep again, sore tender but not bleeding healed up, scratch-marks swollen made it looked a tad rough.

Not feeling too good really – not going to risk any walking today as when I came up the stairs with me flask I had a dizzy-spell that was not nice and lingered a fair while.

I think that the getting wet yesterday might not have help. Tsk!

(Poor old chap) Hehe.

Laptop on.

Flipping Coreldraw9 crashed again – Gnash!.

Did some WordPress perusing – then tried to concentrate on doing a post – not easy today.

Would you believe… I just sneezed and the pulled intercostal muscle has started stinging again now. What a hogwash start to the day… but it will get better I’m sure… 

Just some days I can easily get depressed – this is one. Hehehe!

The rains stopped now, but the winds still high and the clouds are moving about with great rapidity.

I must remember to pick up me INR record sheet and bus-pass tomorrow morning before going out.

I’m off to the haematology department in the Queens Medical, and meeting brother-in-law Pete in town as he’s got to go for some x-rays too.

Fatigued again now, and I haven’t done owt but computer related stuff all day.

Tsk!

Inchcock: His Depression in Rhyme

Inchcock’s Depression

Feeling sorry for himself can be addictive,

A solitary Life can still be conflictive,

Dislike of himself can be so vindictive.

Insults when he passes involuntary lively emissions of wind,

Essential that he has to remain thick-skinned,

They can be lethally pungent & musical like woodwind,

They make him feel guilty, as if he has sinned!

His angina he names Anne Gyna in fun,

His haemorrhoids feel at times like a blow-gun,

His dodgy reflux valve can stupefy and stun,

His WC visits on waking must be begun.

Arthur Itis ever present for the home-bound nomad,

But this does make the Nottingham lad a tad sad,

His repaired ticker still goes, making him glad,

But his relationship memories are so bad.

His lack of social skills are the worst ever seen,

He left school uneducated at the age of fourteen,

Got himself a job as a goffer and he was very keen,

Until he fell off the back of the lorry, rupturing his spleen.

Many woes and accidents were inflicted over the years,

So pain and frustration for Inchy hold no fears,

He take the insults and vilifications that he hears,

And the mocking, stares and incredulous insults he bears.

Easily he falls out with himself, on a daily basis too,

Happy memories can make him feel despairing and blue,

Yet self-destruction he seems intent to pursue,

He knows his failings and accepts them, although few.

What makes the old chap depressed and irascible?

Impecuniosity, frustrated with life? – Possible,

His ailments, unseemliness or his being gullible?

Or his being incapacitated and full of bull?

Is he really lonely, or is it imagined or an aberration?

Can he cope any longer with his lack of acclamation?

Why does he think he is doomed to cremation?

Never to know any true affection?

Hello… he’s cheered up and showing signs of jubilation?

Ah I see… it’s come back on has his BT internet connection!

28.3.15 Inchcock Today – The Nottingham Kitty Cafe opened today

Going with Pete to the Hospital & the Kitty Cafe

Saturday 28th March 2015

So many dreams, but back to not being able to remember them – Tsk!

WC’d, haemorrhoids still bad, and I must have tossed and turned or something in the night because the torn intercostal muscle ain’t half giving me some gip this morning! Huh!

Nasty looking sky this morning…

While I was making me cuppa to take me medications when brother-in-law Pete rang to confirm I was meeting him in town at his bus-stop to go with him on his hospital visit as a bit of support like – bless him, he’s a good lad.

Packed up the nibbles for the nurses and Janet and Pete then I got yesterdays diary finished and posted off, then got myself ready for me walk into town to meet Pete. Realised I was a bit late due to the extra attention required to me nether-regions so caught the bus instead of walking.

Got the bus to town dropped off and the rain started again. Tsk!

Met Pete and we caught a bus to the hospital.

We walked around the side to the department we required at the back of the building and I gave Pete me brolly, he insisted on sharing it.

We got to the hospital.

Pete took a photo of me as I was taking one of him.

Seconds later he was in and being seen to – and out in about ten minutes – he’s going to have the wart removed and he has to go for a photograph to be taken of it first. Later he called me and arranged for me to go with him on Monday when I go for me INR tests, time to have a natter perhaps.

We couldn’t really today, because we were concerned about Sister Jane having tests today as well about her innards and Pete wanted to get back to her.

We caught the bus back into Nottingham and passed the newly opened Kitty Café.

Pete took the wide photograph I’ve used on the header with his mobile phone and emailed it to me later. Nice.

It appears you have to book a slot to go there?

The rain persisted down and Pete shot off to get a bus back to Jane – hope she’s going to be alright.

I poddled down to the slab square and thought I’d get under the shelter up the steps to the Council House building.

As I got me camera out I was approached by a lady-female PCO who asked me:

“Are you going into the building Sir?”

“No” I says “I’m just going to take a photo of the rain from under cover…”

“No your not… people need access to get into the wedding without hindrance!”

“Oh”

“Off you go then…”

So I went: taking a photo from the bottom step and getting awfully wet in the process.

I limped up Clinton Street and over into Trinity Square where I slipped the poor wet pigeons some nosh like.

Took a photo of some ‘Bling’ fer the TFZ gals and waked down to catch a bus back to the flea-pit.

As I was waiting in the queue I noticed how the old Express newspaper building frontage looked grand in its surroundings – next to it on the ground floor is now a Tesco Express.

Considering there is a Tesco Metro three minutes (Well eight minutes for me like) walk away in the Victoria Centre, it was amazingly busy.

The ornateness of the brickwork is something you don’t see much of nowadays.

The march/protest came around the corner as I sat on the bus waiting for it to set off.

I cancelled when Pete got his appointment at the QMC.

It has little support and passed by in a couple of minutes – perhaps the rain put folk off?

I took a photo through the bus window but the grime and rain made it worthless – mind you it might have passed off as a bit of Modern Nottingham Art – sorry I deleted it now.

I just found out I missed off the photo that Pete took as I hobbed towards the centre earlier.

Now, the reason I look so old, ill, struggling and depressed is that I am old, ill, struggling and depressed.

That’s cleared that up then.

In the background is the works for the new tram service that will eventually go into the hospital grounds and on out to Toton.

The wind and rain still persisted and I just missed a heavier downpour as I got in the dump.

WC’d.

Has sausage sandwiches then started laptop – Coreldraw9 crashed – fancy that. Tried SerifDraw6 – that froze – getting fed up now.

The piles are still tender but the torn muscle is a lot easier now.

Fatigue and flatulence have arrived though… Huh!

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today Fri 27 Mar 15: A Day of Failed Witticisms!

A Day of failed Witticisms

Friday 27th March 2015

 

Couldn’t get to sleep last night, tried everything – reading me D-Day book, looking at me Trolleybus book, Facebook, radio etc… Not much luck.

Seemed like I got ten minutes akip and anther ten wide awake all night until about 0445hrs when I nodded off for four hours solid.

————————————–

Dreams I remembered:-

Working for someone in a sprawling factory with a tiny porta-cabin office where I was called to regularly and given jobs that took me off-site. I think I was being nice to the boss for some reason, although I sensed I didn’t like him. I can recall two of the jobs given me… well bits of them.

Job 1: I was a court judge – I handed out some pretty horrible punishments – A Pavement cyclist got life, A mobility scooterer got twenty years hard labour (I can’t recall what for), Tony Blair was sentenced to having his tongue removed then to be executed by being stoned to death by the relatives of dead soldiers and a footballer I sentenced to having his testicles crushed in a vice… there were many others I’m sure but can’t recall them or why now.

Job 2: I had to fetch something from a place I didn’t know and take it back to the boss -I went on a motorbike, got lost in a giant office complex and started panicking – a beautiful plump round-faced pretty posh lady helped me find the office I wanted – As I left with the parcel under my arm I looked back up at the building and saw her smiling and waving to me… I got knocked over and woke up in the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital in Woolwich without any legs… first thing I noticed was the well crushed parcel in a shopping basket with my bloodied clothes on the floor by the bed – two men with broken noses, scars, knuckle-dusters on and an intimidating appearance came to me and demanded money for the doctors taking my legs off? I told them I had no money, Why they asked, “Cause I’ve spent it all on a new camera I replied”. “Oh #’\% me” said the taller one of the ruffians “You have to have em sewn back on again now then!” The shorter one asked me to take his photo? Next thing I was trying to gain access to the bosses office with the smashed up parcel and the boss opened the door and told me I was sacked and shot me with Luger…

————————————–

WC’d, haemorrhoids bad again, must give them a good soak in the bath and tend to them later. Tut!

Made a cuppa and took me medications before I actually nodded of.

Had a good scrub up and bath – tended to me tender areas.

Did a bit of Facebooking and this diary up to here.

I’ll take me new Fuji camera with me today methinks, see if I can get used to it, I should be okay I’m sure…  

I got the bits ready to take to the Sherwood branch of the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, bus-pass etc. and set off on walk into Sherwood.

The sun kept coming out occasionally through the clouds a few times and the wind was a bit less than it was yesterday like.

Took a photo of the sky at the end of the road – a tad unwelcoming.

Onto Mansfield Road and I made good headway today cause Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna were good to me – only the haemorrhoids being troublesome.

A different lady on duty today at the charity shop thanked me for the donation and nibbles, nice gal.

She asked if I was alright and for some reason I gave an answer that a woman I worked with in 1968 Margaret used to give me verytime I asked her if she was okay: “Not so dusty, well brushed!” The lady frowned looked me up and down and said quietly ‘Oh’ – Failed Witticism number One of the day.

I caught a bus into town, dropping off at Victoria Centre and walking in from the Tesco end I fed some pigeons some seeds.

Took a photo of some ‘Bling’ with the new camera for the TFZ gals – after downloading it at home, I was very disappointed with the quality.

I cut through the jitty and out through the back of the centre and made my way to the Aldi store in search of some more of the whole potatoes in herb sauce.

Managed to get four packs, I’m rather taken with them, partly because of the wonderful taste and partly because they cook so well in the microwave oven.

I also noticed they had started selling their own brand of bread thins at a good price – I just got one pack to try them out first.

Then I noticed on my way back through Vic centre – that the ‘Boost’ juice stall had two customers- at the same time – I whipped me camera and recorded this rare almost unheard of event!

A chap passing when I took the photo asked me: “Why are taking a photo of that then?”

I replied (Another failed Witticism coming here…) “I thought David Cameron would like to know how well they are doing!”. Another frown from a Nottinghomian followed by a loud Tut, and off he went. Hey-ho!

I proceeded up the escalator and into the walk-over taking a photograph of the traffic from my usual position.

A tad gloomy and the wind seemed to be picking up.

Down to steps to ground level – and three Vic Centre employees were trying to chase out a crippled pigeon – not with a lot of success either. There was only them and me there and I risked another witticism: “Can you manage lads? Do you want some help like? I could gas-it for yer if it’ll help?” and I laughed out load – this wasn’t appreciated in the least – Dirty looks and sneers came from their faces in my direction as I hobbled down the stairs away from them, leaving them swearing at and chasing the crippled pigeon.  Failed Witticism number three of the day.

I went into Wilkinsons store and got some Antiseptic disinfectant and nasal spray.

Out and back towards Trinity Square.

Noticing the Nottinghomians had not lost none of their love of crossing the traffic lights against the red don’t-cross signal.

I wandered up and dropped some bird seed and meal-worms for the pigeons to nibble.

Then down the jitty to the bus stop.

Where my fourth witticism also failed with the bus-driver!

Getting on the bus I tripped due to the weight of me bag I think (The potatoes?) – and exclaimed something like: “Oh boggleskellysworth” at the pain it caused to me rear end. The driver looked at me outraged and offered a scowl of crushing magnitude. I don’t know what he might have thought I’d said but he was not pleased.

I dropped off the bus at Carrington and popped into the Co-op store to see if they had any of me ice-cream centred fruit flavoured lollies in – they had so I got a pack.

As I approached the till area I went to the first one expecting someone to turn up to attend to me – and heard a female voice call out rather sharply from the other end: “This one, I’m here!” she commanded.

I moved down to her and said chirpily with a grin on my face: “Sorry midduck didn’t see yer, me hearing aid batteries are on the wain!” I thought that as me best witticism of the day…

She didn’t – I got an “Eh…?” from her and a look of incredulity followed by one of the greatest Tsks I’ll ever heard.

I thought it best to stop trying my witticisms any more after failing with first five efforts to bring a smile to anyone’s faces?

Limped back to the bomb-site, slipping some seed to Fatima and Fred on the way.

WC’d and treated me soreness, put me bits away, made a flask tea and went up to start this diary.

Had a rinse and changed into me jammas.

Took me medications then went down to make me potatoes, franks and petit pois, followed by an iced lollie.

Drifted off to sleep…

Inchcock Today – Thursday: Dawgnab them dang piles!

Thursday 26th March 2015

Didn’t get to sleep until around 0300hrs, woke about 0730hrs remembering dream I think I’d just had. Scribbled some notes down about it.

I moved and the haemorrhoids erupted. Oh dear…

Coronation Street. (Not really)

Made a cuppa and took photo’s of the rather wet weather this morning.

WC’d.

Took me medications and Laptop on.

Deciphered me notes about the morning dream wot I had:

I was with a party of people and we were in a restuarant with tiny sections and rooms on two foors to start with and I was treating them to a meal, I was walking up down and through the rooms serving extras if they wanted any – had my coat stolen whilst doing this – I did not recognise the ladies and gents but felt I did know them slightly, or of them. I think the restaurant was on a rusty old boat that kept going underneath bridges? One of the chaps nicked the potato off me plate and I didn’t want to make a fuss for some reason.

Found myself on a gangplank leaving the place with the other perhaps eight people and they all suddenly turned laughed and threw me off into the water.

I was court-marshalled with Tony Blair being on the panel and sentenced to selling Big-Issues outside Victoria shopping centre – where I found myself dressed as Winston Churchill and talking to Enoch Powell who was collecting for the Salvation Army and Sid James selling watches from under his coat when I passed wind and everything went blank?

Not my usual sort of dream that one.

The haemorrhoids were the worst of me pains this morning – indeed stayed the worst throughout the day – very uncomfortable.

Did some Facebooking and graphics on Coreldraw9 for a few hours.

Tended to me ablutions, teggies shave etc and got me things ready for a walk into Nottingham City Centre.

Dark and windy this morning

It was very windy this morning as I left the dump and took me customary shot of the sky above Carrington.

Not many folk about locally – but air of foreboding lingered for some reason – no idea why but I didn’t like it at all.

I plodded down through the jitty and onto Mansfied Road.

Crossed over and as I was walking passed the hotel opposite the Grovensor pub – three pavement cyclists of the younger trainee yobbo variety came towards me – what they shouted to accompany their two finger signs was lost in the noise of the traffic as they passed me by.

I’d just put the camera back in my pocket then a more senior pavement cyclist belted passed me from behind!

I pressed on up the hill and down into the City Centre – and blow me another Pavement cyclist nearly got me as he shot passed!

I poddled in through the Victoria Centre Mall top floor and spotted a window display using faceless models of kids?

Spotted a few others as I walked through in different shops.

Didn’t like them at all.

Then –  shock. A first!

A Genuine original first!

The ‘Boost’ stall had a customer as I was passing over it – I kid you not! Honestly. I just knew that if kept looking and photographing each time I passed by I’d catch a customer there eventually.

The two members of staff do look a little shocked and confused do they not to you? Hehehe!

As I walked out and over the walk-over I took another photo of the happy contented Nottinghomian’s as they made their way to the benefit offices, pawnbrokers, stores to shoplift from, in search of victims to mug, the job-centres, pay-day loan sharks and a few of them to or from work.

I walked down from the walk-over and into Clinton Street. Tried to take a photo of the crowds and nothing happened! – Panic… had me new camera died a death?

Worried now, and decided to try and get a cheapo one from the Jessop Camera store that happened to be a few yards away.

I was pondering over the cheap end range and an assistant by the name of Soyo came to my assistance. Nice lad. Very patient with me hearing and understanding problems. There was one camera that was easy to use at only £69.99, a Fuji Finepix AX650. Not that I fully followed what the lad was telling me, but he said he’d do me a ‘Bundle deal’ as I was buying a Screen protector pack – Compact case – Sandisk Extreme 16GB – Was I? I thought?

I turned out I only had to pay £80.96 for the lot.

Soyo then had a look at my old camera for ten seconds, no idea what he did – but it was working again! Huh!

He then proceeded to show me how to delete photos from the camera on the camera (The old one) and I proceeded to feel a fool it was so easy. Tsk!

It’s the multi-task buttons that confuse me yer know.

The wind as getting worse as I poddled into town and called in Primark to see if they had any of the ‘Andy Caps’ back in stock – to me pleasant surprise they had two in stock at… only £3 each – so I snaffled em up a that price.

So now I’ve got a spare camera and two spare hats that fit! Luxury eh?

I saw that the Primark store were having a push to sell their sun-glasses off dead cheap.

So if anyone needs any sunglasses get yourself down to Primark in Nottingham where they are available from only £1 a pair! (Primark please send cash only in thanks and appreciation of my promoting of your products – thank you).

Looks like a face?

As I made me way up to the bus stop I slipped the pigeons some seed cunningly like.

This display in the pawnbrokers of Upper Pariament Street caught me eye as I poddled passed. All second hand but beautiful stones – no idea what they are though of course.

The Rose of England public house has now had all the buildings surrounding it that were part of the BBC headquarters in Nottingham demolished.

Poddled to the bus stop and caught a bus back to Carrington.

Got in and WC’d and treted me painful piles.

Made a cuppa and had some cheese-burgers.

Fell asleep.

Woke up (The wind howling) and took me medications and cleaned up and creamed the rear end again.

Did this diary off, it took ages as me concentration was not good for some reason.

Hey-ho… TTFN all!

Inchcocks Bath-night Circa1958

Now I know I’ve always been Kak-handed,

And for this I often got myself back-handed,

Dad said I was ‘A useless ornament’,

And I never won any fight or tournament,

But I wus always willing, keen and helpful,

Especially when Dad had had a skinful!

I’d get home from school, a place of fear for me,

Clean the grate, lay the fire and make ready Dad’s tea,

I wasn’t allowed to light the fire you see,

Till Dad got home or unhappy he would be,

Don’t light it until I get home – Dad would decree,

Not worth the cost, coal don’t grow on a tree!

Bath-time was always a hassle for me every time,

Utilise kettles pans of water heated on stove, and the fire,

I drag the tin bath off the wall, and get rid of the grime,

Into the living room, filled it to Dad’s desire,

Towels on the fender warming for him meantime,

Topping the bath up with hot water as he did require,

Eventually he’s get out, into his jamas and retire,

Leaving me to have a bath in front of the burnt out fire.

In his cold mucky water, and to dry off on his soggy towels,

Not a pleasant experience, in fact it was fowl,

Then empty the bath drag it out and hang it back on the yard wall,

Somehow at the time, I didn’t seem to mind at all,

For I knew things would improve, my fortunes improve and grow…

They didn’t though…

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