The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Security Career Woes

Guarding the Turkey Farm Episode

I was posted one November, to a farm near Kinoulton in Nottinghamshire, assigned to protect the Turkeys being fattened in time for Christmas – of which many had been nicked by the naughty Nottinghomians.

As usual the assignment instructions were vague and lacking in detail.

When I arrived, it turned out I was required to drive between two location throughout the night, and try to count the Turkeys to ascertain if any had been stolen, and secure the premises and report it if they had.

One site was on the farm, and had 50 birds, the other site was at an old graveyard the farmer had bought, and was using temporarily as a hold for the birds, this one held 38 birds.

I was given an old Land Rover to do the patrols in, and offered the use of a kitchen in an abandoned cottage to get refreshments, and do my ablutions.

The farmer said he would be checking with me regularly throughout the night.

Counting turkeys is not easy.

I found the best way was to creep silently as possible up on them, and count them from a distance. Once they were disturbed, it was all but impossible to count them.. and the noise!

On about my third visit to the graveyard site, I could count only 49 birds, so I radioed in with the details, and parked under a tree to observe the site for a while in case anyone was still on site or might return for more birds.

I counted them again after about half an hour – and found there were now 50 birds!

Confused, I was determined to sort out this anomaly, and again counted them, 49 this time!

I entered the gate, and disturbed the noisy birds, in an effort to assess just how many there were. As I was doing this, the owner arrived and we did a count together – there were 49 again this time!

He joined me in the Land Rover to observe the site. He offered me a drink of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey from his quarter bottle. Tempted as I was, I had to refuse.

He told me that he too had found different counts during the same day.

We entered the fenced off graveyard once again to count them, and that was when I saw the mausoleum top, and broken down door in it!

The Turkeys had been going down into the vault, making the count vary!

The farmer was well pleased, and we drove back to the farmhouse, and he fed me with bacon, eggs, and home baked bread, with a strong cup of tea! Thanked me again for sorting it out, and was very happy.

I returned the next night for my duties and checked the mausoleum gates and doors first – and detected some movement in the darkness from the top of the mausoleum, being fit and foolish in those days (Nowadays I’m just foolish) I climbed up onto the top, RT in hand and found two turkeys clambering around.

I was relieved that it wasn’t an intruder, but puzzled as to how they managed to get up there – and how was I to get them down again…?

As I stood there pondering about these things a solution came all on its own accord…

The roof collapsed and me and the turkeys were transported downwards landing inside the building… When the dust had settled I made out the shape of the farmer as he stood over me.

I was no longer in favour I could tell, then as I tried to stand up the coffin I was unknowingly standing on disintegrated… the farmer was no longer happy.

Not one of my best nights in the Security industry that…